Just need some input please

[parent of bpd daughter]

My BPDD - 34 - called me yesterday out of the blue to tell me she has started having seizures - just like that - non-chalant - like she was talking about the weather. She is on Prozac, abilify, wellbutrin, and some kind of birth control to regulate her periods. I asked all the concerned questions - she provided minimal answers - MRI? Cat scan? EEG? EKG? what will she do? What about her 3 month old baby that her partner just gave birth to - how can the baby be safe alone with a mother who is now having seizures? What about driving? Working? She lives in another state - I have no visibility other than what she tells me which is not much.

We have been minimal contact since before her father died - for more than 10 years now. I run thru the day he died in my head every single time I talk to her. Can some of you please please give me some input on what you would have, what I should have done that day? I have a non helpful therapist right now - I will change soon.

My husband died of brain aneurysm at home at 3AM - me and my little one (13 yo) were there. 13yo crying after her dad is taken for us to go get her sister from across town. I hesitate, knowing she is emotionally unstable, she will not answer calls, and I only vaguely remember where she lives, she never provides addresses -  but I go get her to appease my youngest who has just lost her father. I nearly wreck the car, and drive around for hours trying to remember where she lives.

We finally get her back home, I sit them down and tell them we MUST stick together in this - it's gonna be real hard. BPDD then proceeds to go get my husband's wallet from his nightstand and put it under her shirt. I quietly ask her for it back, she complies. Then her weird girlfriend/roommate calls my house - says she's coming over - even though I have previously forbid it because she steals and creates drama. Two of my daughter's roommates that she calls "family" come over - they proceed to laugh and dance and I take my BPDD on the deck and tell her we need privacy right now - my youngest and I are nearly catatonic in shock.

BPDD "loses it" starts trashing my house, starts hitting me, my 13yo is in a fetal position on the floor, BPDD's "friends" are screaming at ME to leave my lBPDD alone as I try to stop her from throwing and hitting and kicking. I reach for the phone to call 911 - she knocks the phone out of my hand. I scream "GET OUT!" to all of them. I then pickup the phone and dial 911 - they are leaving as the cops come. Police make a mockery of me and actually laugh at the situation. A friend drops in to pickup my youngest for scheduled trip to the mall. The rest is a mess - including me filing a restraining order, BPDD attempting suicide, now years later seizures.

I blame myself every time I talk to her - that I should have realized everyone reacts to death in their own way  - some get violent I guess. But all I could think back then was "protect the baby" "protect the baby" regarding my youngest who just watched her father removed in a body bag. I was afraid BPDD would kill me back then - and then who would parent my youngest? I feel I turned my back on my BPDD - yet I had no skills to handle her then - I was in shock, and trying to parent "the baby" still. She denies everything as if I made all this up - out of thin air.

Anyway - what should I have done differently? I have no family- friends are only my youngest daughter's friends - none of my own . No one to call - had to make split second life decisions - still paying the price. Tried time and time again to get her into therapy with me, or by herself - nothing worked.

Thanks for listening - I was actually in a great space before this last phone call - new job with a raise - looking forward to week at the beach - now this - back in hell again. I hate it. I hate this disease too.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

First of all  .

What an absolute nightmare situation you describe. you did the best you could given your own emotional state, concern for your younger daughter and the tools you had at hand. Even sitting here with no emotional involvement I cannot say anything you could have done differently that night.

Your present therapist is unhelpful~ you are already thinking of a change ~ good.

With regard to your BPD DD I think you can only start from where you are now. If she maintains contact try listening and validation.

In your situation I think I would be experiencing a lot of conflicting and complicated emotions towards her, I think you need a therapist that you really trust and respect to talk this over.

You have suggested individual or joint therapy to her but so far she has refused.

The only helpful thing I can think to say is that I was advised on here not to try to resolve everything at once but to take baby steps...

Please try to let go of any guilt and self-blame. Contact with your DD may be triggering memories of your traumatic bereavement and I hope you are able to find someone to help you untangle all this.

[PinkieV]

My husband died suddenly from a heart attack or stroke and my 15-year-old daughter found him on the kitchen floor.  She screamed for me, I tried to do CPR, but I knew he was gone.

YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD UNDER HORRIFIC CIRCUMSTANCES.

That night is such a blur - I remember some things so vividly and other things are a mystery.  How could you possibly have done any better than you did?  It's not your fault he died, that your daughter has BPD, and that she acted the way she did.

 

[pessim-optimist]

Dear parent of BPDD,

You were suddenly bereaved over a decade ago... . You did the best you could then. 

Knowing then, what you know now, you might have acted differently. You cannot change the traumatic past... .

You can use the trauma of the past to transform your present and future, though. That is wise. Is that why you are thinking about that night along with your current situation?

Thanks for listening - I was actually in a great space before this last phone call - new job with a raise - looking forward to week at the beach - now this - back in hell again. I hate it. I hate this disease too.

I see your compassion for your dd and your worry. 

Of course you worry - your dd may be ill. That's one side of it.

On the other hand (I do not mean to sound cold-hearted): Your dd has a partner, she is not alone. Is there a reason for you to put your own life on hold, because of this information?

Ultimately, it comes down to  - how much power do you want to give your dd over your own life?

[trainwreck4]

I can't imagine how horrific that must have been for you. I honestly believe I would have done the same as you on that night. You had a MINOR that you were responsible for that had just been traumatized by seeing her Dad's body removed from the home. YOU just had a traumatic experience by seeing this yourself. You had an obligation to protect your 13 year-old. Your daughter was making a bad situation worse, and this behavior wouldn't have been acceptable on a good night, nevermind that one. One of your boundaries was that her roommate wasn't welcome due to drama and stealing, and that boundary had been violated. I suspect if you hadn't done what you did, this post would have been about your 13 year-old and your guilt for not protecting her from her sister that night. As far as seizures go, what can you possibly do?  Do you think she is really having them?  (i ask because my BPDd17 is a hypochondriac). I hope you find a way to let go of this guilt. When my daughter becomes abusive to me, I always make a huge effort to protect the younger three. Because their sister's illness is not their fault and I think it shouldn't be their problem. I do what I can to maintain some normalcy in their lives... .   That shouldn't make us feel guilty, but it often does, doesn't it?

[mybonnie]

I run thru the day he died in my head every single time I talk to her.

This is what stands out to me the most... . these thoughts that waltze into our heads and shape our moods.   I have a long list of thoughts like that which love to creep in and for years they kept me in a sea of guilt, which of course affected how I reacted to things and I did not make my best decisions during those times.  The torture kills any chance of peace in this very moment we are in plus sets us up to keep enabling and acting out our codependence.

Looking back at what you did that day I can't honestly say I would have acted one iota different.  You couldn't have predicted back then what was about to transpire as you worked to pull the family together and once you found yourself in the center of all the chaos of multiple persons I'm amazed you kept it together as well as you did.   If I'm upset with anyone it's the police for making a mockery of you.   Give yourself a great big "WHEW!" for getting through it all.

I have been in a room grieving the loss of a beloved family member while some other relatives were dancing, laughing and even telling vulgar jokes.  It was the epitome of disrespect and completely foreign to my sensibilities. Best I can do is be grateful that I'm a different type of person and forgive them for their lack of good sense.

I'm sorry

I remind myself often that feelings often begin with our thoughts... . I felt uplifted when I read about your new job, your raise, that fantastic week at the beach, your younger daughter.  I wonder if you could reach out to some women peers, maybe a group with some shared interest/hobby. No pressure, just something to remind you that there is a life waiting for you.

I understand the concerns about the seizures.  Yet another thing to worry about. You can make sane suggestions about getting medical help with it. Listen to her, offer your interest and when it's time for "you," engage in activities that require your full attention. I recently started taking one of my dogs to obedience school.  Lots of other nice people there and I don't have time to think about problems because we are all working on our dogs and listening to the trainer.  I always come away happy and realizing I hadn't thought about anything but having fun and learning with my dog.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello again, parent of BPDD, how are you doing today?

Are the events of the last few days settling down a bit? Are you getting into a calmer place within yourself?

How's your younger daughter these days?

This is what stands out to me the most... . these thoughts that waltze into our heads and shape our moods.   I have a long list of thoughts like that which love to creep in and for years they kept me in a sea of guilt, which of course affected how I reacted to things and I did not make my best decisions during those times.  The torture kills any chance of peace in this very moment... .

... . Listen to her, offer your interest and when it's time for "you," engage in activities that require your full attention. I recently started taking one of my dogs to obedience school.  Lots of other nice people there and I don't have time to think about problems because we are all working on our dogs and listening to the trainer.  I always come away happy and realizing I hadn't thought about anything but having fun and learning with my dog.

mybonnie makes a good point that those troubling thoughts about our past can be like dark clouds over our life to block out the sun... .

I have often found myself in the same place - ruminating over and over about traumatic experiences as if I could somehow solve the past and change it for the better. Then I read a workshop that changed my way of looking at these thoughts and it helped manage them in a way that is more balanced and healthy, that allows me to be in control of my thoughts, rather than the thoughts being in control of me and me being tortured by them: Emotional Memory Management - Positive Control Over Your Memory

There is also another workshop that builds on the first one:

Dealing with Ruminations

Please take good care of yourself, and let us know how you're doing, ok?

[vivekananda]

Hi parent of a BPD daughter,

I can hear the pain in your words, regret is a sad thing. Those of us with adult children with BPD (my dd is 33) rehash the past again and again but all to no avail. What happened, happened. You are a good person, you did the best you could. Now you are caught in the anguish of the present situation and don't know what to do.

I would like to suggest that your thinking is in a FOG. When we are in a FOG, our ability to think clearly is skewed. FOG stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt. When I realised my own FOG, I was then able to begin to see things more clearly. Here is a link to a short piece about the FOG, which explains how it works:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

I believe the questions you should be asking yourself are: do I want to improve my relationship with my daughter? how do I improve my relationship with my daughter? do I want to support my daughter? how do I support her?

We all need to step out of the FOG to understand what we can do now, in the present. We cannot change the past, that was then, this is now.

Vivek  

[MammaMia]

Parent of BPDd -

I would have to agree with those who have told you you need to stop living in the past.

Force yourself to NOT re-play that night in your head every time you hear from your BPDd.  It is unhealthy, destructive, and it will never allow you to heal.  Your husband would not want this to be happening.  Do it for him.

Learn how to forgive your BPDd AND yourself ... . and then LET IT GO AWAY. 

[nomoreoptions]

I agree with the above posters.  It may seem impossible not to do so, but second-guessing the validity of your actions during such a horrendous time is both painful and fruitless. 

However, I wanted to note that although your daughter's claim of seizures may be without factual basis, Wellbutrin is known to raise the seizure threshold in certain groups, including bulimics.

[Stella1425]

So sorry for your past situations. I just wanted to add that if I remember right, Wellbutrin was what my daughter was put on in high school for ADD. My pharmacist pulled me aside and said if I thought there was alcohol being abused she could seizure. This pharmacist had seen it happen. Could that be a possibility?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceplease]

parent of BPD daughter,

You have some great replies here.  Re-hashing that night is not going to help the present.  You did the best that you could.  My goodness, you were in an awful situation, your spouse just died suddenly.  And, you had a child in stage of shock.  The cop was being a jerk!(that is me being nice.  I would like to say some meaner things)

I hope that you can find a good counselor to  help you through this, and lose your current one soon! 

Congratulations on your new job!   I hope that you can get to point where you can let this go.  It seems like your dd is fine with her partner. 

[parent of bpd daughter]

So sorry for your past situations. I just wanted to add that if I remember right, Wellbutrin was what my daughter was put on in high school for ADD. My pharmacist pulled me aside and said if I thought there was alcohol being abused she could seizure. This pharmacist had seen it happen. Could that be a possibility?

Thanks to EVERYONE! I owe so much to all of you on here - thank GOD we have this board and this technology today to help us through this - Imagine if we didn't? Life would be so much harder!

BINGO - Thanks to Stella1425's comment about Wellbutrin and Alcohol - I tip toed around and turned sideways twisting myself into a pretzel like I always have to ask tough questions of my BPDD. Called her today - struck up a conversation complimenting her on seemingly 100's of trivialities then - BAM - snuck in a question - "A friend of mine was on Wellbutrin and had a few beers, then had a seizure" It was a lie - but most of us have to lie to enter their world I think - then she said "Oh yes, didn't I tell you, I was drinking before my seizure". She has not had a drink in years - she has a drinking problem  - bad reactions to alcohol since she was in her teens. Now the truth finally comes out.

Thanks so much to Stella1425's pharmacist and to her for posting this. Mystery solved - no brain tumors, no cancer - just alcohol caused seizure. I hate this disease!

Thanks again to everyone - I will find a new therapist and move toward healing myself instead of blaming myself.

[pessim-optimist]

I am so happy for you, parent of BPDd!

Mystery solved, you can finally exhale and relax. Enjoy the peace!