Is It Up To Me to Teach Her How To Be A Mother?

[Turkish]

A lot of the logistical things on taking care of babies I picked up from my uBPDx, and I was thankfully able to calm her anxiety-ridden mothering style down a bit over the past 5 years (she gets this from her mother). Due to the stunted sense of empathy typical for a BPD, she has said and done weird.

She told me this morning that she might get a scholarship to go to Italy the end of December (we're in California), and it would be for 11 days. Really? Abandoning your children (our son would be almost 5, and our daughter would be 2.5) for something that is really more personal development than anything?

I was shocked, and selfishly thought I'd have them more to myself for a good amount of time, but I'm just saddened that while she is generally not a bad mom, she is exhibiting more of the neglectful behavior that was the norm over the last year. She's taken input on parenting from me well before. I wonder if I should even talk about this with her (I could do it in a nice way, I have before about other things). I personally don't care, but it's things like this that I think set bad examples for our children. Wait 8 or 9 years, save up money, and take the kids with you! It's buying a plane ticket and showing up. Not that hard, but she has this romanticized fantasy of going to Italia (she did go to Paris once)... . I think it ties into her love and romance addiction, which I know I will fight on my side for her to not brainwash the kids later with those fantasy attitudes. Or am I completely out of line, and it's ok for a parent to take off on a solo vacation (heck, maybe she applied with her bf, who knows?) with kids of just about any age. It's not like they're 16 or 17 and doing their own things. They're a kid barely out of being a toddler and a baby.

[mywifecrazy]

Don't sugar coat it. I know they are sick but what's wrong is wrong.

I'm TIRED of having to parent my uBPDxw on how to be a PARENT!

She only gets our sons every other weekend and she would still rather run around with her new r/s VICTIM then spend QUALITY TIME WITH HER KIDS. Oh she's great at USING them when she needs to soothe herself but to sacrifice ANYTHING for their well being is unheard of.

I had to practically FORCE her to take her 9 yr old son to his schools Mother son dance.  I actually caught her on the phone trying to talk him out of it. She NEVER goes to any of their sporting events or after school activities unless she HAS TO. Both my sons RIGHTFULLY SO feel like their mother doesn't love them. She could care less. She puts them through such emotional pain that it infuriates me.

I didn't mean any disrespect Turkish. I just get FIRED UP when Children are hurt.  You sound like a great dad. Keep it up!

[Turkish]

Don't sugar coat it. I know they are sick but what's wrong is wrong.

I'm TIRED of having to parent my uBPDxw on how to be a PARENT!

She only gets our sons every other weekend and she would still rather run around with her new r/s VICTIM then spend QUALITY TIME WITH HER KIDS. Oh she's great at USING them when she needs to soothe herself but to sacrifice ANYTHING for their well being is unheard of.

I had to practically FORCE her to take her 9 yr old son to his schools Mother son dance.  I actually caught her on the phone trying to talk him out of it. She NEVER goes to any of their sporting events or after school activities unless she HAS TO. Both my sons RIGHTFULLY SO feel like their mother doesn't love them. She could care less. She puts them through such emotional pain that it infuriates me.

I didn't mean any disrespect Turkish. I just get FIRED UP when Children are hurt.  You sound like a great dad. Keep it up!

No disrespect, but mine's not that bad... . yet. I'll see how far down the rabbit hole she goes. Her narc traits keep her from being ahsamed of the story she is weaving on social media. If she does get to go, she'll post pics on FB, and she'll be ignorant of the fact that more people will see her for what she is. By keeping my mouth shut, I keep giving her more rope. The chidlishness of that aside, I hate the fact that she sets bad examples for the kids. I kind of cried in frustration in the car today thinking about what she said a few hours earlier. DS4 asked her if she let her bf drive her car (all three of us went to a dental appointment this morning). I was silent and stoic. Still haven't had the conversation about her introducing the kids to him only weeks out of my home. I may never will. It could take a while for the stipulation to get approved so we can send it to her to sign (joint custody and child support)... I need things stable until the kids and I are protected.

I'm sorry you are going through that. My rage is directed towards the forced abandonment of our kids half the.time by each of us. Better to have kicked her out, however, then to subject the kids to the pain she and her sibling have over their continually cheating dad and long suffering mother in a marriage that is just of convinience.

Have you thought about just letting it go and your Ex doing what she is going to do? I have friends whose mother abandoned them young. It affected all of them, but their dad was strong and they all turned out ok.

[mywifecrazy]

Have you thought about just letting it go and your Ex doing what she is going to do? I have friends whose mother abandoned them young. It affected all of them, but their dad was strong and they all turned out ok.

Yes Turkish. I'm mentally getting to that place. Actually I'm just about there. I'm over her and I'm glad the truth about her was revealed to me even though it was painful. It's just hard when I see my kids hurting.

Thank You for the kind words on how people you know we're raised by a strong man. That's what I'm trying to do. When I feel down I focus on the positives like the fact that I have primary custody. So many people on these boards are the outside looking in as far as their kids go and for that I thank God every day. I would hate to know what it's like not seeing my kids and being afraid that they are not being taken care of.

I hope things work out for you and your kids. Be strong! I

[GaGrl]

I''m going to challenge you and say that, OK it was a rather awkward opening of the subject, but were it I... . yes, I would be looking at 11 days vs. the opportunity the experience might open in my career, and... . yes, I would be discussing the possibility with my ex at least 8 months in advance.

I just don't think you can pin this one on BPD.

[Turkish]

I''m going to challenge you and say that, OK it was a rather awkward opening of the subject, but were it I... . yes, I would be looking at 11 days vs. the opportunity the experience might open in my career, and... . yes, I would be discussing the possibility with my ex at least 8 months in advance.

I just don't think you can pin this one on BPD.

it's volunteer work in ASL,  which is tangential to her job.  do you need to go to Italy to learn more ASL? .  it's a  fancy field trip  for hearing impaired kids.  there are plenty of things close she can do.  it tired in with her deem to go to Italy which she was talking about a few months ago... .   while I'm thinking of  how we're going to pay for school,  save for college and the real things that are and will be pressing.  IMO,  it's little better than her going out clubbing to make herself feel better while leaving me to take care of the kids.  she's been to France before so it's not like she hasn't traveled.  my work asked if I wanted to go to Malaysia,  which was a legitimate request for my job.  with two babies at home, I  said no,  and they respected that.  if we still disagree,  then we'll agree to that 

[livednlearned]

It's hard when we can't get the other parent to be what we want them to be for our kids. For me, it has been the hardest detachment, letting go of the dream that N/BPDx could be anything other than who he is. When I left the marriage, I was ready. But detaching from the pain of watching my son yearn for something he's never really had, but somewhere senses should be there... . gah. That pain cuts deep. When he was younger, I would watch him around dads playing with their boys in the pool, horsing around and tossing the kids in the water. S12 was so hungry for that kind of interaction, so desperate to belong to a pack.

I was checking his homework tonight and saw a poem he wrote, and one of the lines is about how he sits in his house not trying to explore life's options  :'( and is from a broken home  :'( :'(  and is always silently standing by.

All I can do, all any of us can do, is be good parents and help them deal with the emotional issues that come from all this.

[mywifecrazy]

It's hard when we can't get the other parent to be what we want them to be for our kids. For me, it has been the hardest detachment, letting go of the dream that N/BPDx could be anything other than who he is. When I left the marriage, I was ready. But detaching from the pain of watching my son yearn for something he's never really had, but somewhere senses should be there... . gah. That pain cuts deep. When he was younger, I would watch him around dads playing with their boys in the pool, horsing around and tossing the kids in the water. S12 was so hungry for that kind of interaction, so desperate to belong to a pack.

I was checking his homework tonight and saw a poem he wrote, and one of the lines is about how he sits in his house not trying to explore life's options  :'( and is from a broken home  :'( :'(  and is always silently standing by.

All I can do, all any of us can do, is be good parents and help them deal with the emotional issues that come from all this.

Yes, Yes, Yes!

I struggle with this mightily.  I'm actually very happy for ME now that my uBPDxw has abandoned me and our sons to run off with her new victim. The truth has set me free in that area BUT It is very painful for me however to see my sons treated like they were PETS by their own mother.  I've come to realize that there is nothing I can do about her being a lousy mother. All I can do is love my sons even more and be there for them even more to make up for her detachment with them. I also need to count my blessings and thank the good Lord above that she gave me primary custody or I would be on the outside looking in and would not be in the position I'm in to take care of them.

So,you are right I need to let go of expecting my uBPDxw to be what she's not. It's just so dam hard some times when you see the pain in your kids eyes!

[Turkish]

It's hard when we can't get the other parent to be what we want them to be for our kids. For me, it has been the hardest detachment, letting go of the dream that N/BPDx could be anything other than who he is.

This is what my T told me was the source of a lot of my anger (and it still is), expecting her to be something she is not. To her credit, she did try for a few years, but then reverted when I both passively and actively refused to be her Parent anymore.

When I left the marriage, I was ready. But detaching from the pain of watching my son yearn for something he's never really had, but somewhere senses should be there... . gah. That pain cuts deep. When he was younger, I would watch him around dads playing with their boys in the pool, horsing around and tossing the kids in the water. S12 was so hungry for that kind of interaction, so desperate to belong to a pack.

I was checking his homework tonight and saw a poem he wrote, and one of the lines is about how he sits in his house not trying to explore life's options  :'( and is from a broken home  :'( :'(  and is always silently standing by.

All I can do, all any of us can do, is be good parents and help them deal with the emotional issues that come from all this.

I'm so sorry, lnl, that is heartbreaking... . I was always missing something never having had a father, but I can't imagine what it must feel like to have one who is emotionally distant or absent (hmm... . maybe I should have more smypathy for uBPDx). It's like a living reminder of the abandonment. My Ex neglected the kids for months, but luckily they weren't old enough to process it, and I shielded them from a lot. Easy at that age.

I saw in the other thread that you were taking steps which would result in him seeing even less of his father. I'm sure you're doing what you feel is in your and your son's best interest.

[livednlearned]

I saw in the other thread that you were taking steps which would result in him seeing even less of his father. I'm sure you're doing what you feel is in your and your son's best interest.

It's literally breaking my heart. I haven't told him yet about the suspension of visitation. This isn't the dream I had for my family, and when I think about giving birth to this beautiful boy, this is not the life I imagined for him.  :'(  And when do we ever know that what we did was right? Or enough?

[Turkish]

I saw in the other thread that you were taking steps which would result in him seeing even less of his father. I'm sure you're doing what you feel is in your and your son's best interest.

It's literally breaking my heart. I haven't told him yet about the suspension of visitation. This isn't the dream I had for my family, and when I think about giving birth to this beautiful boy, this is not the life I imagined for him.  :'(  And when do we ever know that what we did was right? Or enough?

I don't have half the struggle you do, LnL, with an NPDx and a child on the cusp of adulthood. Despite her cheating, it was I, however, that decided to end it. My dream was broken, permanently, but I took what I thought was the less dramatic of two paths: to not have her mirror out her parents' dysfunctional r/s in front of our children. How much more damaged would they have been if I had tried harder? And I certainly could have, but to what end? I'll deal with any fallout later, for peace and the possibility of a better path now.

For your son, are there any positive male role models in his life? Not father replacements, but anyone? Are there at risk youth or mentoring programs nearby which you can check out? I was a mentor in one for two years, and it literally changed livesfor the better.