I haven't been able to move on and its torture

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I fell in love with a girl who is clearly uBPD. She even admits that she likely has the disorder.  And when the disorder first started to make its appearance not too long into our relationship, I questioned my sanity for staying, but I truly believed I was deeply in love with her. 

We officially split in January, when she left me suddenly without an explanation.  A few weeks later she fell back into my life and told me she realized she made a mistake.  We reunited for about 2 weeks and then suddenly, I found out that when she left me in January she disappeared to try again with one of her ex boyfriends.  I was mortified.  And I split from her.

Since then, the relationship has lingered on my mind. All the abusive/controlling things she did.  All the blame she put on me, when I just sat there trying to be good to her.  I know in the end its likely my fault, as I could have walked away at any time.  I have always been very sensitive, but this person really took advantage of me.

I joined an online dating site about a month ago in attempt to give me something to do and a way to help rebuild my confidence.  I kept putting off meeting anyone in person because I did not feel ready.  Then suddenly this new girl approached me, and she seemed like the perfect person for me.  It was stunning how much we had in common. During this time, my ex made a resurgence in my life.  And for the past 2 weeks, I have been back in communication with her.  We even had sex about a week ago (to my shame).  Finally, I made plans with this new girl to meet her and see how it went. I told the new girl that I was still hung up on my ex and to not expect more than a slow relationship, potentially just friendship for some time.

Suddenly the night of the date came (this past friday) and the girl never showed up. I quickly realized it was my ex who had taken on a character.  I confronted her and she denied it, but after I told her I was going to investigate it until I found out, she came clean.  She told me, she needed to see how I really was as a person and in doing this charade, she realized I never truly loved her and that I could have been taken away from her at any moment.  She followed this by telling me that THAT'S why she and I had such an unhappy relationship, because she never believed i loved her and this proved she was right.  I was mortified.  Especially since, I did tell my ex that I was looking for new people and looking to move on.  I never hid that from her. 

We met up on Sunday, and she suddenly confessed she was still in love with me. And even though the deception has grown and grown, I held her and kissed her and told her I still loved her.  I was willing to forgive all the deceptive and puppetry because I saw her as having a terrible time getting over me. I know she's been sleeping with others, but for some reason, I haven't let that kill my feelings for her. 

Then suddenly on Monday she cut me off... . and I fell into a despair.  She said she thought it over and realized I am a fake person.  The despair hit me so hard this time.  I literally began to lose my mind.  I have really just tried to be a good guy to her.  Especially way back when, when things initially got bad, I really really tried.  And she began to tell me how terrible I was.  I can't say I believed her, but letting go is SOO hard. The emotions I feel for her are so embedded in me.  The sex we have is so deep and intense.  I feel like I can't let go.  And suddenly I found myself really contemplating taking my own life.  I feel trapped.  I consulted a mental health professional that night.  I also told my ex not to contact me anymore because I truly fear that I would take my life if this saga continues.  She cried and apologized profusely for what she's done to me. 

I feel such shame guys. And I've NEVER had these problems EVER... . I didnt grow up in abusive home. I have a wonderful relationship with my parents (who maintain their marriage happily to this day). I have a good job.  I have good friends.  I have had successful romances that simply didn't work out, but never was destructive like this.  I don't know where this all came from! None of it makes sense.  Why have I let this happen to me?

[JohnThorn]

I fell in love with a girl who is clearly uBPD. She even admits that she likely has the disorder.  And when the disorder first started to make its appearance not too long into our relationship, I questioned my sanity for staying, but I truly believed I was deeply in love with her. 

We officially split in January, when she left me suddenly without an explanation.  A few weeks later she fell back into my life and told me she realized she made a mistake.  We reunited for about 2 weeks and then suddenly, I found out that when she left me in January she disappeared to try again with one of her ex boyfriends.  I was mortified.  And I split from her.

Since then, the relationship has lingered on my mind. All the abusive/controlling things she did.  All the blame she put on me, when I just sat there trying to be good to her.  I know in the end its likely my fault, as I could have walked away at any time.  I have always been very sensitive, but this person really took advantage of me.

I joined an online dating site about a month ago in attempt to give me something to do and a way to help rebuild my confidence.  I kept putting off meeting anyone in person because I did not feel ready.  Then suddenly this new girl approached me, and she seemed like the perfect person for me.  It was stunning how much we had in common. During this time, my ex made a resurgence in my life.  And for the past 2 weeks, I have been back in communication with her.  We even had sex about a week ago (to my shame).  Finally, I made plans with this new girl to meet her and see how it went. I told the new girl that I was still hung up on my ex and to not expect more than a slow relationship, potentially just friendship for some time.

Suddenly the night of the date came (this past friday) and the girl never showed up. I quickly realized it was my ex who had taken on a character.  I confronted her and she denied it, but after I told her I was going to investigate it until I found out, she came clean.  She told me, she needed to see how I really was as a person and in doing this charade, she realized I never truly loved her and that I could have been taken away from her at any moment.  She followed this by telling me that THAT'S why she and I had such an unhappy relationship, because she never believed i loved her and this proved she was right.  I was mortified.  Especially since, I did tell my ex that I was looking for new people and looking to move on.  I never hid that from her. 

We met up on Sunday, and she suddenly confessed she was still in love with me. And even though the deception has grown and grown, I held her and kissed her and told her I still loved her.  I was willing to forgive all the deceptive and puppetry because I saw her as having a terrible time getting over me. I know she's been sleeping with others, but for some reason, I haven't let that kill my feelings for her. 

Then suddenly on Monday she cut me off... . and I fell into a despair.  She said she thought it over and realized I am a fake person.  The despair hit me so hard this time.  I literally began to lose my mind.  I have really just tried to be a good guy to her.  Especially way back when, when things initially got bad, I really really tried.  And she began to tell me how terrible I was.  I can't say I believed her, but letting go is SOO hard. The emotions I feel for her are so embedded in me.  The sex we have is so deep and intense.  I feel like I can't let go.  And suddenly I found myself really contemplating taking my own life.  I feel trapped.  I consulted a mental health professional that night.  I also told my ex not to contact me anymore because I truly fear that I would take my life if this saga continues.  She cried and apologized profusely for what she's done to me. 

I feel such shame guys. And I've NEVER had these problems EVER... . I didnt grow up in abusive home. I have a wonderful relationship with my parents (who maintain their marriage happily to this day). I have a good job.  I have good friends.  I have had successful romances that simply didn't work out, but never was destructive like this.  I don't know where this all came from! None of it makes sense.  Why have I let this happen to me?

[seeking balance]

 

John,

I know it can seem very overwhelming in the stage you are at right now... . head spinning, wondering "what the heck happened" "how did I get here" - it makes us feel crazy ourselves.

Breathe Deeply and have faith that with a little time and some education on how these relationships evolve, you will stop feeling so overwhelmed.

Start here:  https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles.htm

Each and every article are full of facts and wisdom that will sink in the more you can read them. 

Many of us go to T after these relationships to help manage our own emotional trauma - would you consider going to T yourself?

You are not alone.

Peace,

SB

[Lucky Jim]

I questioned my sanity for staying, but I truly believed I was deeply in love with her. 

Hey JohnThorn, We've all been there, my friend, and you're asking the right questions.  You relate a lot of drama, which is typical for a BPD r/s.  It's hard, but on some level I think you appreciate that your r/s with a pwBPD has had a negative impact on your life.  Take it from some of us (read: me) who were involved in marriages and long-term r/s with a pwBPD, to the point that I nearly destroyed myself, it usually doesn't get any better and in fact can get significantly worse, with long-term effects that are difficult to recover from.  It's a lot easier to go through the pain at your stage, believe me, and you will come out the other side, I predict, with a much lighter burden to carry.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[HerPerpetuallyTornLover]

I wish I knew what to say, but I tell you what, I cant wait until you heal! You werent this person before, like you said, how you're feeling is a product of being in a BPD relationship. Makes you second guess your soul. You know who you are, best out of everyone. Her posing as someone else was horrible and manipulating and crazy, and to use you seeking detachment as the reason she left? Not sane at all. Please please please try and see through to the insanity that is a BPDs rationalizing. Dont try to make sense of it, it wont make sense ever because it never made sense to begin with. it was selfish of her to blame all that as the reason she left. For the future, verify all online dates through facebook or get their phone number to text first, so you can be sure it isnt her. I'd be afraid she would try to crop up again. Really give some deep thought to no contact. Its very healing. <3

[JohnThorn]

Thank you so much guys! This is really a wonderful forum.

Today was the first day in a long time i did not contact her and  I didn't check her facebook. I've exhibited stalker-like behavior often when I try to get away.  She also exhibits this same behavior every time we split.  One day last week she called me up telling me that she knew I was having her followed and harassed by unknown numbers (all completely untrue)... . I am definitely obsessed with her. I am so ashamed to admit that because I know for certain that at some point i DID love her. From the bottom of my heart.

The very first time her BPD made an appearance in negative form was about a month into our relationship.  It was shocking. I never saw anything like it in a human being before. Her face changed and I felt like I was staring at the devil.  She attacked me verbally about how all her friends thought i was physically repulsive and how every other guy she'd ever been with (even those who physically assaulted her) had more to offer.  I was shocked. It came out of nowhere literally.  We weren't even arguing.  All that preceded this incident was that as we laid in bed, literally about to go to sleep, she received a text and I asked her if it was her friend (who she happens to perceive as very attractive, because she and this friend had been talking a lot at the time).

The next day I almost walked out of the relationship permanently and I told her that I did not know how to trust her after how she acted like that.  And she responded by saying "Let me tell you something sweetheart (again with the devilish face) I can make ANYONE trust me.  You Have NO IDEA what I'm capable of!"

I walked away from her that evening telling her it was over, and I meant it.

The next day she begged me back, crying, saying that she didn't know what came over her.  She apologized profusely and I still was very deeply enamored with her despite this, and I took her back.  It was this day that I told her that it was very clear to me that she suffered from BPD.  She admitted at this time that she was aware of the disorder and that she had contemplated on more than one occasion, that she had it.  We began to talk about her seeing a therapist who specialized in DBT.  She is against therapy and thinks its all crap, but she did end up seeing 3 therapists, one appointment each. Each therapist told her based on their observations, she DID NOT have BPD.  I was mystified as to how they came to such a conclusion in one 45 minute session.  I didn't find out until last week that she made up/watered down the accounts of her BPD behavior because she felt shame about it. She told me last week that when she went to see these therapists, she changed the real stories into G rated accounts. 

I know this is a bizarre thing to say, but I have felt completely lost in the aftermath, like I have nothing to live for anymore. I experience life in a very joyless way now and whether or not she's in my life, I don't feel like I function normally anymore. I think about her all the time, like I'm a fixated loser.  And I don't get it.  Yes she was very attractive (probably the most attractive woman I've ever encountered in my life... . honestly), and yes we sustained years of friendship before we dated (and we were very close)... . and yes the sex was unlike anything I'd ever experienced, BUT at the end of the day... . my rational mind knows none of this is worth the agony.  Nothing can be worth contemplating what it would be like to end my life. I have too much going for me.  And I know in many ways, I could easily find someone else if and when I'm ready.  I just feel like mentally and emotionally, I am lost to this person in some way for the rest of my life.  I don't know that I could ever really be happy/close with another woman ever again after this.  It's not hyperbole, I really believe this was it for me.  Any further attempts will be very diluted experiences.

[Split black]

John... . if you have contemplated taking your own life because of your BPDgf then you MUST get to a therapist or psychiatrist FAST... . get on some anti-depressants. anti anxiety meds until you get a grip. I know the last thing you want to hear is about moving on. Your in the shattered phase... . there is much you are going to go thru regardless of wanting to or not. You can suffer for years or you can grind thru the process with " radical acceptance " google it. Read everything you can get your hands on. They have tools on this board and others.

Ive been where you are now. It gets better with no contact. Google no contact borderline abusive girlfriend and you will get 100 hits.  

I know you feel like you're drowning and dying... . BUT you will feel like your old self again. Your ex is insane and she made you crazy as well. You can heal... . she has no shot. Can you really imagine a life like this... . feeling the way you do now for the rest of your life? Ok, how about another year of two of torture? Fun! Take your power back bro. Don't give her the satisfaction of owning you, of door matting you ever again. When one door closes another one opens. Jeezus she manipulated and played you by impersonating someone on a dating site. That is sick. Then she blame shifts and makes you apologize for trying to date. Your ex and mine must have climbed out of the same slime hole. No amount of d*ck in this world is going to fill that empty empathy lacking loveless pit.  Get angry and hold on to that... . write down every single ___ed up thing shes ever said and done... . the only thing she has is located between her legs and she uses it like a mythological demon to lure unsuspecting men to their doom, so she can feed off their spirit. Feel lucky she set you free.

[winston72]

Hey JohnThorn... . the link to resources that SeekingBalance posted contains some super helpful information.  I read and absorbed some of those articles like a desperate man... . because I was!  You have experienced some very traumatic events, paired with some very intense emotional highs.  And, as you note, these things have happened continuously into just last week.  It is not a surprise that you are feeling so distraught. 

Please absorb the materials on this site, keep posting, consult a therapist... . and know that others have been through similar experiences and learned to prosper.  Better days are ahead.

How are you doing now? 

[rodman8]

Man, oh man, oh man I know what you are going through!  I felt the exact same way, and still do feel that way to some degree. It does get better, but I am not through it yet, and I still have a ways to go.  I was madly in love and obsessed with my ex BPD, and like you, have never felt this bad before in my life.  She was the most seductive woman I ever met, and it did not help that she was one of the most beautiful, curvy, charming woman I ever met in my life.  To go one step further, if I had my choice of any woman in film, or tv, or famous, or whatever, she would be in my top 3-5.  She was that sexy to me.  She idolized me at one time, but while she did not devalue me all that much except for one time in particular, she cut me out of her life on several occasions.  Worse yet, none of the times she did it made any sense to me at all, and if anything came when we were getting along the best.  The situation came to a head when I lent her $3,000 to pay off her car.  Within a month after borrowing the money, she has disappeared from my life and blocked me on social media.  Yea, it sucks really bad.

[lemon flower]

therapists... .  

you're right that it's difficult to make a diagnosis in only 45 min but I thought there existed specific checklists and tests to verify this kind of diagnosis, even if the BP is lying or minimalising... . anyway, they should see through these kind of manipulations shouldn't they ?

you might consider... .

- that she lied to you about the results because she couldn't face it

- that she isn't BPD but NPD (in my ears it sounds more like NPD-behaviour, or psychopath... . )

anyway, this is a very dangerous woman/girl, stay away for your own sake and look for a good T for yourself to talk to... .

good luck, try to focus on other aspects of life, even if they don't really appeal to you right now... .

[JohnThorn]

I keep replaying my last and potentially final conversation with her in my head over and over and I try to make sense of it.

Has your ex tempted you to stay time and time again by telling you they will get help but then never following thru once they had you again.

[bpdspell]

I feel such shame guys. And I've NEVER had these problems EVER... . I didnt grow up in abusive home. I have a wonderful relationship with my parents (who maintain their marriage happily to this day). I have a good job.  I have good friends.  I have had successful romances that simply didn't work out, but never was destructive like this.  I don't know where this all came from! None of it makes sense.  Why have I let this happen to me?

You don't have to grow up in an abusive home or have horrible parents to get entangled in the borderline dance. Sometimes we simply have esteem and worth issues and do not see ourselves as the lovable, fully deserving people that we are and that makes us ripe for borderline engagement. Many on here will mention how good looking our ex's were and how sexy they are often overvaluing their superficial looks and ignoring the character of the person. Many times when we overvalue looks it's because we don't value our own.

My ex was model handsome, well endowed and very experienced in the sack. And man…it was a roller coaster hamster wheel ride where I didn't know whether I was coming or going. Mine looked like an alpha male Tyson Beckford. And I was sprung like a bed coil. I thought I had hit the jackpot in terms of the "looks" department but now when I look back it's because I didn't see myself as beautiful. I gave all the sexual credit to him even though I was 50% of that exchange. I thought his good looks somehow made me look better in the eyes of others when in essence he was a booby prize and nothing much to write home about in terms of his character. My ex was a skilled manipulator, schemer and knew how to play the conniving game to get his needs met.

Like Split Black stated focus on your ex's ugly. Write it down. This woman is not a nice person. In fact she's a very sick woman and an Academy Award level liar. And even though you are lovesick you could never trust her due to her narcissism and BPD. She is hard wired to push/pull, test your love, and victimize you with her script as long as you are a willing participant. And without trust you could never be on the same page with this person.

I agree with Split black. Seek a core-trauma therapist or one experienced with involvement with narcissists and borderlines. It will help you in your catharsis and get to the root of why you've put this woman on a pedestal she hasn't earned. Eventually you will gain the clarity and insight needed to knock her off the pedestal you have put her on.

I had great, intense sex with my ex as well. But intensity isn't the same as intimacy. Borderlines have lots of sexual practice and tons of crash and burn relationship experiences. They aren't innocent virgin angels or helpless haps looking for that knight in shining armor on his white horse…something that is often played out on these boards. They are stunted children, toxic, and do not see others as separate individuals. They see others as "rescuers" "parent replacements", "sugar mommys" and "sugar daddys". And they are experienced at tugging at the heart strings of kind, compassionate and caring individuals in order to survive.

As far as her three tries with a therapist more than likely she's downplaying her role in being accountability for her mental illness. Most borderlines cannot face themselves and would rather make excuses than to face the pain, shame and guilt for the lives that they live. My ex admitted to knowing that something was "off" about him but doing something about it was not a step he was willing to take. And why should they? There are way too many incentives that reward their victim mentality.

I can also share a testimony about not wanting to live at one point when the relationship was over. At a low point I was once in the kitchen and considered slitting my wrist. And I have NEVER thought about suicide: EVER. But I was overwhelmed with abandonment pain and the "loss" of what I once viewed as my only shot at "real" love.

These boards have rescued me as I read the stories of others, their pain, the loss and how they've survived one day at a time. Keep reading and keep posting and more importantly seek help. You are not alone in this.

Spell

[rodman8]

That was great insight, BPDspell!  It's interesting to note that my BPD ex actually put me and my looks on a pedastal over her in the honeymoon phase.  Because my ego was so bloated by her, I had a completely differently outlook on the situation than I did once I became the pursuer.  All of a sudden, the compliments stopped, the romanticism stopped, and I knew something was up.  It brought to the forefront all my child hood insecurities about acceptance and rejection.  I am a very good looking guy now, but was not growing up, and I hold major insecurities about that.  She sensed that, and used those very insecurities against me.  The last month and a half of our long distance relationship felt much more like a friendship.  We still got along very well and spoke a bunch, but the passion on her end seemed to dissipate.  Let's be honest.  Whether they are BPD or not, it is always unattractive when a man starts to lose confidence in himself.  That was happening to me, and I could not stop it from happening.  Believe me, I hated myself for letting myself get so down.  I knew what was happening, and knew that if I could simply not let her affect me, she would regain her interest.  You MUST be unflappable if you are going to date this kind of woman, and I am anything but unfortunately.  I know this about myself.  I am almost always great in the beginning, because my heart is not yet invested, and my ego gets fed by women early on.  That only lasts so long though.  I am an expressive individual and an open book; I dont keep a whole lot hidden.  Once a woman sees these weaknesses, she almost always ends up breaking up with me. When it comes to dating a BPD woman, multiply this insecurity by five!  It's crazy how you can totally see what is happening, and still be helpless to do anything about it on any kind of consistent basis.  Yes, I have a great deal to work on, and I know it.  I am a good hearted guy, but am tired of being disrespected.  It hurts to be sure.

[JohnThorn]

Thank you guys! I've been reading through these posts over and over.

Is it a terrible idea to write by BPD ex an email telling her how I feel both good and bad?  Is that too much of an invite?

[winston72]

It can be quite constructive to write the email... . sending it to her might be another matter!  Seriously, you will find many people on this site who have considered the same question and have taken the first step of drafting an email without the intention of sending it.  As well who are processing our emotions by reading and writing on this site know very well, the process of leaning into our feelings and organizing our thoughts sufficiently to write something is very helpful on many levels.  So... . write it.

Send it?  This one is not so obvious.  What do you hope to accomplish?  What response do you hope to receive from her?  Is there anything between you know that leads you to believe you will receive the response you desire?  From reading your posts to far, it seems unlikely that she respond in a manner that would be satisfactory for you.  Or, if she does, it would be hard to rely upon any response as being

I have experience in drafting messages and not sending them, and drafting messages and sending them.  My retrospective view is that I was sending messages to her in the hope that somehow it would ignite awareness of issues and trigger her to return to the relationship.  I was looking for my emails to achieve something that I could not achieve when in the relationship with her.  It did not work.  I don't regret the efforts on my part... . the added pain drove me deeper into a hole... . but left me closer to bottom... . from which I would begin to recover.

So... . why send it?  What do you want to achieve?

[JohnThorn]

It can be quite constructive to write the email... . sending it to her might be another matter!  Seriously, you will find many people on this site who have considered the same question and have taken the first step of drafting an email without the intention of sending it.  As well who are processing our emotions by reading and writing on this site know very well, the process of leaning into our feelings and organizing our thoughts sufficiently to write something is very helpful on many levels.  So... . write it.

Send it?  This one is not so obvious.  What do you hope to accomplish?  What response do you hope to receive from her?  Is there anything between you know that leads you to believe you will receive the response you desire?  From reading your posts to far, it seems unlikely that she respond in a manner that would be satisfactory for you.  Or, if she does, it would be hard to rely upon any response as being

I have experience in drafting messages and not sending them, and drafting messages and sending them.  My retrospective view is that I was sending messages to her in the hope that somehow it would ignite awareness of issues and trigger her to return to the relationship.  I was looking for my emails to achieve something that I could not achieve when in the relationship with her.  It did not work.  I don't regret the efforts on my part... . the added pain drove me deeper into a hole... . but left me closer to bottom... . from which I would begin to recover.

So... . why send it?  What do you want to achieve?

This is a tough one.  I guess in writing the email I am still with her.  I know, even she has an easier time than me in leaving, that she didn't want me out of her life.  I have always been very gifted at expressing myself on paper, and I know that she was drawn to me for the ways in which I could speak and make sense of things.  Today is really only day 2 of no contact for me.  But I wish somehow I could fix it.  I wish I could fix her.  I wish I could fix me.  I am told the only way to fix me is to go NC with her.

I was thinking about writing a very long email which discussed why I fell in love with her, and what I feel went wrong between us. And she is well aware that she has something wrong with her - she presumes its BPD.  I wanted to still steer her in the direction of understanding her disorder.  I can't honestly say I hate her.  I feel maybe in knowing that I am no longer asking to be with her, but am still guiding her to treat this illness she has, that maybe she will begin to really treat it. She will see my pleas, not as a bargaining tool, but as a legitimate concern based on fact.  It's not necessarily that I want to be heroic or right, but I don't want to have gone thru all this just for her to shake it off and go on and continue to ruin her own life.  She has devastated me, but she seems more aware of her issues than many accounts of uBPD.  She is agreeable to the diagnosis, and wanted me to go with her to meet with DBT specialists, but I ended the relationship.  I ended it for multiple reasons, some of which was just the sheer pain it caused me to be in her presence after all her betrayals.

[Split black]

Ohhhh my brother... . I feel your pain like its my own. It is my own. You are in denial and bargaining... . you will do anything, say anything for a crumb at this point. Im going out with my ex ex tonight and I know Im gonna get laid... . and I jonesed for this girl so badly a year or so ago when she rejected me and I discovered she had a bf. Who of course was much younger then me because she is much younger... . She is so freaking into me right now, I know its not real. The ___ she is saying is crazy... . like she KNEW we would be together again. That she thought of me ALL the time. blah blah. Shes sex bombing me. Its working... . god help me.  Shes mad sexual... . so many red flags... . shes so open and waif like and is contacting me, texting me, slept at my place a few time which I never allowed she is... . concerned... doesn't care about my age. I did a substance with her the other nite... . oh man. Endorphins... . Where was she a year and a half ago when she did these endless disappearing acts! Her lies, Im remembering it all again ... . she wants me and going with the flow but my tortured ego and narcissism I guess wants my ex... .   I stupidly saw her face book pic. Jesus what a trigger. I went to the gym and saw her car... . didnt go in to her work.  Two back to back borderlines in a row. What the heck.

We are not supposed to tell people what to do on this board. But at 2 days of NC I was a basket case. You're gonna do what you're gonna do... . but you are going to feel HORRIBLE when she rejects you and spews crap. Bro... . do no compromise your integrity. Do not allow someone, regardless of disorder to door mat you. You will never forget, or forgive the things she did and done. You think you will but it will be at the sacrifice of your self esteem. Jesus. I feel for you.  Im a grown ass man and I wanna cry sometimes at the pain and suffering everyone on this board endures... . however along the journey of recovery we are.

[Split black]

John john john... . she doesn't give a ___. You gotta wrap your mind and heart around that. No matter how sweet and normal she was at times... . thats the maddening part. Thats the part that we cant accept. They are so normal in the real world. Having fun. Doing this or that. Oh man... . I would rather die a thousand deaths and have loved to the fullest, and have trusted and jumped in with faith and be burned over and over... . then to not be able to feel a thing, to have no empathy, to be dead and empty... to the point where my every breath is about survival and fear. She has no shot bro... . and she will cock hop till shes old and then she will seduce younger ones... . there are so many beautiful intelligent sexy quasi normal hotties out there even at this moment you think you wont find one. You will bro. You will. I will... .   this board breaks my heart. Ehhh... . Im a bit buzzed right now, please forgive my psycho babble. 

[Split black]

No contact bro... . no contact... . none. Zero. It is the hardest, most sad, seemingly unending exercise Ive ever done. And Ive done it twice in my life. I wanna contact her so badly. But I will jump on this board and remember everything she did. I will not contact her. I will never see her again. I swear it. I wont. I wont. I wont do it. Give me strength. Johny... .  go NC. Come out on the other side in a few months with pride and a new sense of yourself. Im out a here... .

[rodman8]

That was so at the heart of it, split black.  You are so correct.  It is crazy to hear how they want you after all those disappearing acts.  Friends that are aware of BPD tell me that "just you wait."  Even with the $3,000 money issue this woman owes me, my friends think when I have finally moved past her, she will come calling again and put on a show like I have never seen before.  I am a bit more skeptic to that to be honest, but I have heard it happens.

[JohnThorn]

Ohhhh my brother... . I feel your pain like its my own. It is my own. You are in denial and bargaining... . you will do anything, say anything for a crumb at this point. Im going out with my ex ex tonight and I know Im gonna get laid... . and I jonesed for this girl so badly a year or so ago when she rejected me and I discovered she had a bf. Who of course was much younger then me because she is much younger... . She is so freaking into me right now, I know its not real. The ___ she is saying is crazy... . like she KNEW we would be together again. That she thought of me ALL the time. blah blah. Shes sex bombing me. Its working... . god help me.  Shes mad sexual... . so many red flags... . shes so open and waif like and is contacting me, texting me, slept at my place a few time which I never allowed she is... . concerned... doesn't care about my age. I did a substance with her the other nite... . oh man. Endorphins... . Where was she a year and a half ago when she did these endless disappearing acts! Her lies, Im remembering it all again ... . she wants me and going with the flow but my tortured ego and narcissism I guess wants my ex... .   I stupidly saw her face book pic. Jesus what a trigger. I went to the gym and saw her car... . didnt go in to her work.  Two back to back borderlines in a row. What the heck.

We are not supposed to tell people what to do on this board. But at 2 days of NC I was a basket case. You're gonna do what you're gonna do... . but you are going to feel HORRIBLE when she rejects you and spews crap. Bro... . do no compromise your integrity. Do not allow someone, regardless of disorder to door mat you. You will never forget, or forgive the things she did and done. You think you will but it will be at the sacrifice of your self esteem. Jesus. I feel for you.  Im a grown ass man and I wanna cry sometimes at the pain and suffering everyone on this board endures... . however along the journey of recovery we are.

This REALLY helped me.  I have a belief that she would respond with more than just "crap" or likely not respond at all.  But I'm going to hold off and not send her anything.  You really helped me with this.  I haven't read the other posts below yet, but I wanted to say thanks.  Hope the sex was worth it too   

[willy45]

Hey Dude,

I know exactly how you feel. I'm kind of in the same boat myself right now. Don't feel bad about it. It is confusing and disorienting. It is hard to accept the kinds of things our ex's would do and it hard to accept the fact that we also accepted it.

Don't confuse how you are feeling with love. I'm doing that myself. But this isn't love. I have been in love before. Love doesn't make you feel like killing yourself. What this is, I don't know. But, what I do know is that anyone who is capable of making you feel the way you do is someone worth running away from. And same goes for me.

You will be OK man. Think of this girl as crack and you are just recovering from an addiction. Because at this point, that is all it is. It sucks. But people get over their addictions. First step is not be around that thing. Then it looses its power.

[JohnThorn]

Split, you had me thinking and maybe its worth putting up one really terrible memory (the worst memory of all in my whole relationship) for me to fall back to.  It's multilayered but I wanted to write it all out as it maybe it will help me, and maybe help others to see it written... . gonna do this here instead of the email... .

Here it goes (and this is only one of MANY terrible memories)

My WORST memory

One thing I noticed about my BPD ex immediately after we started dating is just how JEALOUS she was. Every girl on the street was a threat, every waitress, every toll booth attendant.  If I said anything at all to any woman (young, old, fat, skinny) she would take issue... . and sometimes even if I didn't say ANYTHING.  She would imagine  that I "wanted" to say something, but chose not to to avoid the fight, but the fight would ensue anyway from her imaginary take on the situation.  Now, mind you, I have never been a player and I was fully engrossed with my girl.  She was the most physically attractive woman I'd ever met in my life. Most of you would agree she was stunning, and the degree to which she took a jealous rage made zero rational sense.  I once had to chase her in a remote location, while on vacation with her just because i spoke to a woman who was twice my age.

Anyway, that's the background of it all... . and fortunately, even though the borderline diagnosis was not something she would always agree to, she did agree that her jealousy was extreme and unfounded most of the time.

Coming into the relationship, I had maintained a friendship with an ex girlfriend for my entire adult life.  It wasn't as though she and I talked everyday, but we had once-a-week facebook relations.  It was entirely platonic and had been so for all these years.  She was in fact engaged to be married around the time that my BPD ex and I started dating.  Well, about a week into my tenure with BPD gf, she told me she did not feel comfortable with me talking to my ex.  I hadn't seen my ex in 8 years and she lived a thousand miles away.  HOWEVER, I did not think it was unreasonable for my new gf with jealousy issues already ensuing, to be given the honor of me cutting off contact with my friend.  The ex from 8 years ago was not an integral part of my life at this point, and I figured if made this sacrifice for her, she would see how much I cared about her and maybe if I ever became uncomfortable with someone she was talking to, I could use my sacrifice as an example of what the right thing to do is.

Now before any of you shake your heads in disbelief that I was willing to part ways after 8 years of friendship for a girl I was dating for a week, trust me it is not so simple.  I knew my BPD gf for many many years and we had been through a lot together.  She was not a stranger who I had just met.  She was someone who I had already briefly dated some years back and felt very intense feelings for, for most of my adult life.

So there it was, I dropped my friend (ex gf).  But it didn't even seem to make her happy.  I think I called it a "sacrifice I made because I love you" and she didn't like the wording "A SACRIFICE?"... . "fine then go be with her"... .

Anyway, on the flipside of all this, I remained relatively cool about any contact she would have with men.  I could my BPD gf was totally into me and that I genuinely had nothing to worry about.  At least at this point. Guys would write on her facebook wall (she is a knockout beauty)... . and rarely would I say anything. And this bothered her... . "why don't you get jealous?"

The truth, I did get jealous, but I was also aroused by all the male attention she would get, knowing that at the end of the day her heart and body was mine to be with.  After a few weeks she started showing very odd distortion-like behavior when it came to other women and I realized that if I was going to be with her I was going to have to deal with constant derailment of our plans and happy times to deal with weird accusations (sometimes about women I didn't even know).

What at first seemed like flattering jealousy, started to suddenly feel like a terrible life ahead. And what was worse was she was now talking about marriage... . on a daily basis.  And part of me was thinking "I can't believe I'm going to probably marry this girl, the girl of my dreams... . " and the other part of me was thinking "OH MY GOD, this is a nightmare."  There was one evening I was actually due to perform on a local TV network and just as she got to the filming, I happened to speaking with a female.  Well this didn't go over well at all.  She accused me of strategically flirting with this female behind her back thinking she was not there. And for the hour that preceded the filming, I stood there trying to get my BPD gf to talk to me.  But she was not at all willing. She came with a friend and she kept insisting that her friend was appalled too and that she can't believe what a hitty guy I am and how its over.

I ended up going on TV and bombing because I was so stressed.  When it was over, instead of helping me feel better about my failure, she proceeded to suggest that I was checking out the host of the event's rear end right there on stage at the filming and how she can't believe what trash I am.

I went home that night and changed my phone number, by far the most drastic thing I ever did to get away from this girl.  When she realized I changed my number, she began emailing me incessantly... . like she was exploding in pain and was BEGGING me back.  It was the only time she ever really forthright came out and begged.  She apologized and admitted for the first time that has borderline. She told me that she needed me to come back and she would seek help.

I stayed NC for a few days, but the emails kept pouring in.  Eventually I made plans to talk with her in person, which I felt was fair.  In this meeting, she cried like I've never seen a grown person cry.  It wasn't that it was hysterical, but it was such a focused cry... . what I mean is that, every word I spoke or didn't speak seemed to trigger an emotion on her face.  It was like somehow I had complete control over her. In a way this was intoxicating because I had been her puppet now for a while.  Needless to say, I took her back and the terrible behavior ensued and only got worse... .

In December we had already been fighting around the clock about stupid jealousy issues.  Suddenly, her grandfather passed on.  He had been ill, and the death was expected, but it still felt sudden to her and to me.  I never met the grandfather.  He had already been ill when she and I started dating and she never wanted me to meet him while he was ill.  But I also have deduced from things she's said that the grandfather really liked her boyfriend prior to me, and she didn't want to introduce a new guy (and portray herself as a slut) as he took ill.  I would have liked to have met him though. Closeness with her family was very important to me. And I wasn't given many opportunities at all.

The night before her grandfather passed away we had one of our standard jealousy fights over the phone where I proceeded to go to sleep after hanging up on her for accusing me of wanting to hit some girl whose picture on facebook I may have "liked" 2 years earlier.  It was something like that.

When I woke up I didn't know her grandfather had passed and I began texting her "good morning, I hope we can have a good day"... . she didn't respond for hours... . and I began to persist "you can't seriously still be mad about some pic I liked from years ago before you and I were even together?"

Eventually... . I got something back like "I'm busy with family, my grandfather died"  And I proceeded to respond "WOW, I'm soo sorry."  I offered to leave work and just come be with her.  And she was just like "No, I just want family right now"  and I was trying to offer more support.  I reminded her of all the good things she'd told me just days prior about him.  And she was cordially thankful of my comments, but something felt wrong. I let it be because it was a heavy day for her and her family and I didn't want to press any issue.  I figured, she was just still mad at me and dealing with terrible loss.

Then that night she calls me up and we talked.  I asked her when the wake was going to be.  She told me she didn't want me coming.  It was here that I began to show signs of being really hurt.  And I was like "how could you not?" ... . she didn't really respond. But I was trying to piece together how a girl who would talk about marrying me almost every other day would not want me to be there for support (or at least to show my face)... . What should have been a time focused on her and her family, suddenly started to feel for me like a tear at my heart.  I began to feel guilty just for thinking of myself and I tried to stop.

Suddenly... . It happened... . she proceeded with "My ex (the one who immediately preceded me) got in touch with me today to offer his condolences."  I said "Oh that was very nice of him"... . she said "yes."... . then she started to cry.  And I couldn't understand. She proceeded with "he shared all these memories of my grandfather with me.  Made me feel really good... . " and suddenly I grew uncomfortable. She started to elaborate on these memories and I could tell she was getting very choked up. I tried to keep on a brave face and I told her that was very nice of him.  She then proceeded with "he may come to the wake and I don't want you there. I don't want confrontation at my grandfather's wake"... .

I became very upset.  And she immediately countered "THIS IS MY GRANDFATHER, HOW DARE YOU MAKE THIS ABOUT YOU?" I felt instantly guilty, but I knew I wasn't wrong.  I began to think about how I cut my ex off to reassure her.  I then said it to her: "how can you just be doing this?"  She said "a death in the family is different.  We aren't just 'talking'" ... . Long story short, I told her I did not feel comfortable with this guy coming to the wake and me not being there.  In fact, it was one of the most horrific thoughts in my mind that I'd had since she and I started dating.  And what should have been a time of my love and support suddenly became a time of intense insecurity for me.  She told me "This guy KNEW my grandfather, whereas you didn't! How can you be so selfish.  He wants to come to show his respects"... . But then suddenly dripped out almost as if in a stream of consciousness how she couldn't believe that she was needing to choose between two guys again (because she had played two guys in her past)... . I was in a cloud of disillusionment.  And I was also being vilified minute by minute.  Eventually I said "I can't believe you are using your grandfather's passing as a way to over-ride every double standard you've put me through! It's disgusting!"

This really hit home. She burst and then she told her mother and her mother instantly hated me, whereas her mother had loved for all the months prior.  

We reconciled the next day, but not so well.  I ended up going to the wake, though I was hardly invited. She didn't introduce me to anyone there and she told me that many people didn't know she had a new boyfriend and didn't want to appear like the family whore (I was with her about 5 months... . not really new).

[JohnThorn]

The funeral was a really terrible day as well, and she accused me in the midst of it all of checking out her cousin and told me I was never going to see her family again.  After the funeral was over she asked me to go with her to a hotel and bang her brains out.  I didn't really want to, but I did it anyway. After it was over and we were getting our clothes on she told me she was not in love with me anymore and needed space from me for at least a week.  I told her, that a week was the minimum I needed.  

The next morning I get a frantic text "I need you, please see me today"

I responded "NO, we agreed we're taking space" And she proceeded with "I can't believe you're going to do this right after my grandfather's funeral. You are such a selfish prick" and this time I took a stand and I said "if you don't feel you're in love with me and we just keep fighting, I am doing you a favor by giving you space"

We ended up taking about 4 days of space before she came forward to me and told me how she couldn't believe I bailed out on her the day after the funeral.  How she always knew I couldn't take care of her, and that me not being there for her after the funeral was proof. She said "you're not a man" etc.

Then Christmas came and we were trying to work it out and I went out and got her some very sentimental gifts and we arranged to have a gift exchange on Xmas eve.  :)espite everything, I was still deeply enamored with this girl.  And I wanted to just simplify the craziness of December to her just being unable to deal with her emotions.  She came over to my house on Xmas eve and I gave her all these gifts.  She was so happy.  And suddenly, it hit me... . she had NOTHING for me. Now, I'm a guy.  I don't care about material things, I don't need a gift.  But this was our first christmas together. The fact that she didn't even get a card hit me very hard. I didn't say anything to her that night.  But the next morning I was just over the top upset.  It felt like a total disrespect.  She proceeded with "you don't act like a man. I can't believe you care about a gift ew"  ... .

The week that ensued between Christmas and New Years was a very interesting week of weird ups and downs.  We went to a concert together that I wanted to surprise her with, but she bought the tickets anyway even though I told her that I was going to get them for her.  This eventually became "my belated christmas gift" even though the concert was entirely of her own interest and not mine.  That night, we really did have a good time.  I took her to a wonderful restauarant and she asked me if I was going to propose to her on New Years... . that was always her dream it seemed.  And I said "not this New Years, we need to not fight for at least a few months. But I reassured her that I still loved her deeply" and the night was fantastic.

Then the next day we were invited to a new years eve party from a mutual friend. I got the initial invite.  The invite came from my best friend's wife.  She was NOT happy that the wife invited me instead of my friend. The fact that she was a woman caused a tremendous uproar to our day.  And I basically told her I wasn't going to go.  Then she apologized after much fighting about it.  Then it was introduced the next day that a girl who she thinks is attractive is going to be there.  Then the fighting got worse.  And I literally broke things off with her.  I said "I CANT hitING TAKE IT."  She immediately tried to seduce me.  And I fell for it like a moron.  We ended up going to the party the next day.  And the night was AWESOME! We finally were getting along in front of other women.  I wasn't having to be conscious of how long my head was faced in the direction of another woman.  She was acting somewhat normal! I was delighted.  We spent New Years Day together with my family.  Everything seemed wonderful for these two days. And I thought, "wow, 2014 is going to shape up I think"... . she seemed disapppointed on the 1st that I didn't surprise her with an engagement ring at the new years party, but she wasn't being flippo about it. I took her disappointment to mean that she still loved me very much.

Then January 2nd came... . I get a phone call from her "John, we can't see eachother anymore.  I'm never going to contact you again. I'm so sorry."

I was stunned.  "What the hell?" I said.  She said "I've been doing some thinking and I realized after how you acted about my grandfather's passing and how my family perceives you, there's no future for us. I had been in denial, but I can't see you again because I love you, but I know theres no future"  As the conversation progressed, the "I can't see you ever again" turned into "for a long time" ... . "for a long time" turned into "a few months"... . "see you ever again" turned into "maybe we can try again in a few months"... . and then she followed this with, "but if you sleep with someone else, know I will never get back together with you"... . I couldn't follow... And I literally hung up the phone to my own relief because I couldn't follow the madness and I was of the sense that she was just having an episode of sorts and I would be talking with her the next day... .

Well the next day came, she and I didn't talk.  She and I didn't talk for a while... . maybe 2 weeks.  Suddenly, I reached out to her, although she had blocked my number.  I called her from one of my parent's phones.  I told her how I missed her and I didn't understand any of this. She answered the phone with such delight and she was literally giddy to hear how much I missed her.  She even had a bit of an evil tinge.  It was the first time I felt like she was marveling in my sadness.  A few days later she came to a show I was performing in and we "got back together"... .

And for the next week or 2 we were suddenly together again.  I tried to put early January behind me.  And I choked it up to just a bad decision on her part.


UNTIL one night in the beginning of February... .

"Phil (her ex boyfriend) is freaking out!" she said.  I was like "Huh? You still talk to him?"  (I had just asked her that morning if she talked to him anymore and she said no.)  Suddenly she responded "you remember in January when I decided to break things off with you?" I said "mmmhmm" (getting rather uneasy)... . "well Phil and I talked a little during that time."  I responded "Huh?"... . "It was nothing John, it was just talking."  I responded "Oh yeah? then why is freaking out... . and if he is freaking out, why even tell me"  "Because he's trying to contact you!" she said.  "Contact me for what?" I said.  "Look, John... you're going to be really upset, but I was trying things again with Phil on January 2nd. It was a stupid mistake I'm sorry!"

I was mortified, but what came next is the part which makes me feel any amount of hatred for her that I feel... .

"Phil called me up on January 2nd having had a dream about my deceased grandfather and I thought it was my grandfather coming down from heaven to tell me I should be with Phil and not you."... .

I said "You're going to tell me you dropped me like hit because some guy called you up saying 'I dreamed about your grandfather?"

"WOW John, you are so hited up! It's my grandfather.  And yes, in my culture we believe dreams have a much deeper meaning than just chance. How can you act like this?"

I broke up with her right then and there... . and I may have said snide remark about how "Her grandfather came to me in a dream to tell me that Phil made up his dream about her grandfather"

Then I immediately got back in touch with my ex gf from 8 years ago (the one who I maintained a platonic friendship with)... . I apologized profusely to her, but she wasn't having it. She wouldn't be my friend again really. We had a few friendly exchanges here and there, but our friendship was never repaired.

During the months since, my BPD ex and got back together. When she saw that I reconnected with my ex gf from 8 years ago... . she FLIPPED. And I said, "I only did it after I saw that you didn't play by your own rules. But to make matters worse, I have ZERO romantic interest in this girl, whereas you just cut me off one day to try again with him"... . she responded with "I never even cared about Phil, he tricked me"... .

Sad to say... . there is so much more that happened in the course of our relationship... . but the section for which I bolded is my most hated memory of her. Using her grandfather (who she claimed to love) to get away with the worst double standards and hurt me to no end... . and vilify me.

[Pecator]

Dude, that is an incredible story. So much to digest. I can relate to so much.

I will comment more, but reading that was exhausting. I relived so much of my past r/s

But just so you know that you are in the right place and you are not alone.


Jealousy

Pretty standard issue in pwBPD. My uBPDx thought of it as a virtue. Her partner before me was more jealous than her and she would often say that is what made their relationship work. My first replacement, which she recycled to be my last replacement, was also a very jealous person. "He is so sensitive to jealously that he 'gets me'."

I got devalued so many times because "my lack of jealousy" meant I didn't love her enough.

Still, I suffered tremendously from such things as:

Having a professional conversation with a woman across a table with her husband sitting next to her with his arm around her. My ex's previous partner would never do such a thing without first finding her and inviting her to sit with us.

At a dinner with another couple, I countered some subtly racist comments with, "When you look at the humanity of all people, you find beauty regardless of culture, background and colour." This meant to my ex that I was still obsessed with a woman I dated 5 years earlier (with whom I had no contact).

After dancing with my ex and her best friend, I escorted both off the floor by the hand. As we got to the table I kissed her friend's hand and kissed my ex deeply, passionately and it was a kiss I will always remember. "No one kisses another woman's hand without expecting to get more!" was my ex's take on that moment.

At a backyard party while walking across the dance floor to get drinks, I paused for thirty seconds to dance with my friend's wife (my friend danced with my ex for an entire song without issue). This became her reason for spitting me the second worst time. (there were many) We recycled when, in her words, "I made you pay for that enough, I know you will never do something that stupid again." No mention of her overreacting.

---------------

Lost in the FOG, I took on her jealousy. We spoke at length about her "high bar" around this issue. She needed somebody to understand how high this bar was. I could do that. We came to an agreement: in my experience (I have lived in many parts of the world. She lives in the same town she grew up in) kissing a woman's hand did not always mean what her experience taught her. Still I could understand how it would not be acceptable to her. Okay, I got that. I changed so much to meet her expectations.

And I was successful! I know this because when she spit me in the worst painful way she never brought up any issues around jealousy. I assuaged her jealousy issues!  But it only lead to deeper hurt.


My point to you John, jealousy is part and parcel with pwBPD. I successfully navigated that mine field only to be hit by the multitude of issues this disorder brings to a relationship. From my experience, don't get caught up in specific issues.Try to see this disorder in it's entirety. Then decide if the energy is worth it.


Glad you are posting. Makes me want to get my ___ out as well. It is why we found this place.

[JohnThorn]

Dude, that is an incredible story. So much to digest. I can relate to so much.

I will comment more, but reading that was exhausting. I relived so much of my past r/s

But just so you know that you are in the right place and you are not alone.


Jealousy

Pretty standard issue in pwBPD. My uBPDx thought of it as a virtue. Her partner before me was more jealous than her and she would often say that is what made their relationship work. My first replacement, which she recycled to be my last replacement, was also a very jealous person. "He is so sensitive to jealously that he 'gets me'."

I got devalued so many times because "my lack of jealousy" meant I didn't love her enough.

Still, I suffered tremendously from such things as:

Having a professional conversation with a woman across a table with her husband sitting next to her with his arm around her. My ex's previous partner would never do such a thing without first finding her and inviting her to sit with us.

At a dinner with another couple, I countered some subtly racist comments with, "When you look at the humanity of all people, you find beauty regardless of culture, background and colour." This meant to my ex that I was still obsessed with a woman I dated 5 years earlier (with whom I had no contact).

After dancing with my ex and her best friend, I escorted both off the floor by the hand. As we got to the table I kissed her friend's hand and kissed my ex deeply, passionately and it was a kiss I will always remember. "No one kisses another woman's hand without expecting to get more!" was my ex's take on that moment.

At a backyard party while walking across the dance floor to get drinks, I paused for thirty seconds to dance with my friend's wife (my friend danced with my ex for an entire song without issue). This became her reason for spitting me the second worst time. (there were many) We recycled when, in her words, "I made you pay for that enough, I know you will never do something that stupid again." No mention of her overreacting.

---------------

Lost in the FOG, I took on her jealousy. We spoke at length about her "high bar" around this issue. She needed somebody to understand how high this bar was. I could do that. We came to an agreement: in my experience (I have lived in many parts of the world. She lives in the same town she grew up in) kissing a woman's hand did not always mean what her experience taught her. Still I could understand how it would not be acceptable to her. Okay, I got that. I changed so much to meet her expectations.

And I was successful! I know this because when she spit me in the worst painful way she never brought up any issues around jealousy. I assuaged her jealousy issues!  But it only lead to deeper hurt.


My point to you John, jealousy is part and parcel with pwBPD. I successfully navigated that mine field only to be hit by the multitude of issues this disorder brings to a relationship. From my experience, don't get caught up in specific issues.Try to see this disorder in it's entirety. Then decide if the energy is worth it.


Glad you are posting. Makes me want to get my ___ out as well. It is why we found this place.

It feels SOO good to read posts like this.  Did she often throw in your face how all her friends felt the same way about things as she did?  "all my friends feel just like me about that!"... . "none of my ex boyfriends would have ever done that!"

I'll never forget about 2 months after we started dating I got a text from my uBPD gf... . "It's over PIG!"... . By this point, I was dealing with weird jealousy every day... . and I was just responsive with "?"... . "and she responded with "F*ck You Pig"... . and the charade went on for a few minutes until I was just like "OK whatever"... .

The fact that I didn't care drove her to tell me precisely what she was getting at... .

Apparently, liking any girl's picture on facebook or commenting on their picture in any fashion (not even in a complimentary fashion) was a problem for my uBPD gf.  I already knew this 2 months in, and I had long stopped acknowledging any female on facebook in order to avoid confrontation.  Facebook was not important to me, although I hated having to accommodate the stupidity... . the stupidity that went "if a guy 'likes' a girl's pic on facebook it means he wants to FCUK her!" Funny... . she had no problem posting selfie after sexy-posed selfie and having 30 guys like her pic. ETC... .

Anyway, in the early part of our relationship I still commented on female friends' pictures.  One girl in particular who I had mentored for years and was 10 years my junior (never EVER a romantic interest of any kind) had dyed her hair black... . I took it upon myself to send her a comment which acknowledged both her new hairdo and her taste in music... . I wrote "Back in black" beneath the new photo. 

My uBPD gf seemed to spend hours scanning photos of any female who was my facebook friend.  And suddenly one day 2 months into our relationship, she came upon this picture of the girl where I had commented "Back in black"... . and my uBPD went OFFF... . "Back in BLACK! BACK IN BLACK... . PIG!"

I had NOO idea what she was talking about.  I was scanning my brain for any ideas... . And eventually I was like "OK?"... . and then she responded "I knew you always wanted to FCKU her!"

Eventually, when I was finally clued in to what she was talking about... . I told her that we had only been dating a week at that time and that I had long stopped commenting on girl's pictures... . but this was not enough, because she somehow assigned that the day I made this comment "back in black" was a sacred day in our relationship... . apparently it was the day she and I first had sex (as boyfriend and girlfriend)... . "WE HAD SEX FOR THE FIRST TIME AND YOU WERE BUSY LOOKING AT OTHER GIRLS!"

Eventually she calmed down... . but your story reminded me of this LOL

[AwakenedOne]

Hearing you guys discussing jealousy reminds me of a wierd jealousy moment with my ex UBPD that I had forgot about.

I played a CD I like to her from a band called Lacuna Coil. I said the female singer (Cristina Scabbia) has an awesome voice and played songs to show her.

Fast forward -> The band Lacuna Coil was in town and me and some other guys saw them live in concert. My ex couldn't go that night. She accused me when I got home of having an intimate encounter with the singer, said we hooked up. Can you believe I had to defend myself on this issue for about an hour?  She kept saying this kind of stuff happens and how does she know it didn't. She never would listen to their music again.

AO

[letmeout]

It is so hard to cut ties with your crazy-making BPD. My counselor gave me the best advice ever.  

Maintain No Contact.  Always. Forever. Period.

No matter how much it hurts, you have to sever the tie, its the only way.

[JohnThorn]

Hearing you guys discussing jealousy reminds me of a wierd jealousy moment with my ex UBPD that I had forgot about.

I played a CD I like to her from a band called Lacuna Coil. I said the female singer (Cristina Scabbia) has an awesome voice and played songs to show her.

Fast forward -> The band Lacuna Coil was in town and me and some other guys saw them live in concert. My ex couldn't go that night. She accused me when I got home of having an intimate encounter with the singer, said we hooked up. Can you believe I had to defend myself on this issue for about an hour?  She kept saying this kind of stuff happens and how does she know it didn't. She never would listen to their music again.

AO

LOLed to the bolded section.

I dated jealous women before.  I even dated women who I believe exhibited traits of BPD but were not truly BPD.  My most recent ex was was the DEFINITION of BPD (although undiagnosed)... .

The more I read these stories, the less I feel like I'm losing much.  In order for me to detach, I really need to stop thinking of my BPD ex as a person and more like a walking disorder... . I know that sounds mean, but it really does help ME, and I need to look out for me at this time.

[JohnThorn]

It is so hard to cut ties with your crazy-making BPD. My counselor gave me the best advice ever.  

Maintain No Contact.  Always. Forever. Period.

No matter how much it hurts, you have to sever the tie, its the only way.

I hope I can achieve that. I can only try. She lives very close by and we share a friend-circle, so its not likely I can completely cut ties permanently.  Throw in social media and its even tougher.  I think I need to keep thinking of the fact that losing her is a gain and not a loss... . if I keep myself aware of this at all times, even if she tries to contact me, I may be strong enough to not distort who she is to me.  BPD's distort, but I think the parters/ex-partners of BPDs also distort.  There's nothing about my BPD ex that SHOULD make me want to come back, except for the physical contact. The physical contact is NOT what made me fall in love with her at all, but at this time, I have to understand that everything I loved about her was a MIRAGE... . an illusion, a complete lie.  And with that, I gain so much to even hear she's in love with someone else... . or getting married... . or whatever she's doing... . (I'm not saying she's doing any of that crap, but I need to remind myself that the more she moves on... . the better it is for me)

[letmeout]

It really does help to remember what they are, even if you have to call it a walking disorder instead of a person. When I was having trouble letting go, my counselor had me make a list of mean and crazy behaviors of my ex (it was a long list)! 

Every time I would start waffling on my decision to keep the ties cut, I would just have to read that list to remember why I didn't need that %*!# in my life again.