Wife says I don't like her…?

[rubyhammer]

I need some help with responding to my dBPDw.

Today after an Easter get-together with my wife's family (always stressful for her), she was obviously dealing with a lot of very strong negative emotions…blah blah blah, she came to talk to me and I did my best to validate here feelings, but when she said she "knows I don't like her, and never have"  I just couldn't think of anything to say in response.  So I said, "I know you think I don't like you.  I don't know how to respond to that because it doesn't match up with how I feel."

Then she left the room and gave me the silent treatment/cold shoulder the rest of the day.

So my question is:  How can I deal with/respond to her when she tells me how I feel?

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[BigInJapan]

Howdy, Ruby Hammer

Sorry to hear you're dealing with some heavy stuff at home.

Your wife's comment -- "I know you don't like / love me and never have ... . " -- is, word-for-word, the same thing I hear from my own wife regularly.

Sounds like you handled it as best you could.

In times like these I try to remind myself that I'm 1) not responsible for how my wife feels, and 2) empowered to choose my response to internal and external stimuli.

All well and good on an intellectual level. But it can be tough to live it, right?

Hang in there and I hope the day gets brighter for you and your family.

[rubyhammer]

Thanks, BigInJapan.

It helps to hear that someone else has experienced the same thing as me.    My wife also says things like this on a regular basis.  Even though I've heard it before, I still feel sad when she says it.  It's so hard to hear the person you love say they don't believe you or trust you. 

I feel like I'm being interrogated, and the interrogation will continue until I confess to my "crime" of not liking or loving her.

I told her today that I will not participate in a conversation where she tells me how I feel.  It would have been better if I got up and left the room at that point.

Oh, well…there will be another opportunity for me to practice. 

[tired-of-it-all]

When my BPDWife says something to which there is no good answer, I just don't answer.  I ignore it and move on to something else.  I don't, however, pander to her ANYMORE.  I used to try to make her happy and try to make small talk.  It just gave her power that she misused.  It also gave her more of my words to twist into something that I did not say.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Perhaps a gentle hug and,  "I am so sorry that you feel that way".  is enough.   No more/no less. 

[BigInJapan]

Hi all,

This board has been a light in a very dark night.

Although I hate to hear of anyone else riding the emotional roller coaster, I must admit there is a lot of comfort in hearing from folks who have been there.

It really helps you maintain some degree of sanity.

Ruby Hammer, if you validate your wife's emotions -- "I'm sorry you feel that way. That must be bad." -- what is the typical response? Does she let it go? Move on?

I ask because typically when I validate what my wife is feeling, she respond with "No you don't! You want me to suffer!" or some other such bull--, ahem, "nonsense".

That is one of the most frustrating things about this relationship: it seems like she wants to pick a fight half the time. It is incredibly discouraging when you're trying to validate / empathize, but the train just continues to barrel clean off the tracks.

Anyone experience similar situations? Strategies?

[bpbreakout]

This is one I struggle with a lot of the time and one which I find enormously frustrating and invalidating especially if I feel that thoughts and feelings are being put into my head when I simply don't have them.

I think the simple anwser to your question maybe to give her a hug and tell her you love her though after a long negative interrogation I know it's not easy.

[waverider]

You did fine, you dont have to follow up and try to sell her your view point. That could end up invaliding how she feels or it may set a precedent as a method to get your empathy.

What you said is fine then it is over to her to self soothe. As you build a strong sense of self these things wont bother you as much

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

It helps to hear that someone else has experienced the same thing as me.    My wife also says things like this on a regular basis.  Even though I've heard it before, I still feel sad when she says it.  It's so hard to hear the person you love say they don't believe you or trust you. 

I feel like I'm being interrogated, and the interrogation will continue until I confess to my "crime" of not liking or loving her.

I told her today that I will not participate in a conversation where she tells me how I feel.  It would have been better if I got up and left the room at that point.

My uBPDw's flavor of this is "I feel I don't make you happy".  When she says this before becoming disregulated I try to point out, That's not a feeling... . that's a judgement about me. 

If I can get her to the point of saying "I feel sad because I don't think I make you happy" then I can tell her I'm sorry she feels that way, but she does indeed make me happy (when she's not starting these discussions anyway... . )

That's where I still can't go as far as some say, where you say that you understand and yes, I can see why she feels that way and that most others would... .

[rubyhammer]

Thanks for the replies everyone!

Validation works when I say it/do it correctly.  However, that doesn't always happen.  The more I practice the easier it gets, though.

I just got off the phone with my wife.  She is at home, miserable, she said she is upset about "us," and "with herself, for not listening to herself" when she first felt that I didn't like her (years ago).

This went on for a little while, then she asked me, "What do you think needs to happen?"

I said, "I think you need to get some professional help, like therapy or something."

Her, "I can't be with someone that thinks I'm mentally sick."

Me, "Yeah, that's something you'll have to decide."

Her, "What do you like about me?"

Me, "I like lots of things about you."

Her, "Like what?"

Me, "I love you, honey, and I'm not going to play this game with you.  I have to get off the phone because I'm at work.  I'll talk to you when I get home."

I've decided not to call her back while I'm at work.  It's hard to let someone you love slide away like this... .