Broke NC after fighting so hard.

[Split black]

I dont know what possessed me this afternoon. The sunshine, a song, or about the time we met last year. Whatever it was I texted something benign. Like its a beautiful day, how are you doing?  I got an immediate phone call. " Who is this"  She knew... . next words were " I told you never to contact me again"  So I said... . slow down... what the heck is wrong with you. "What exactly do you believe I did to create such venomous hatred." Then she started with your a liar your a this and that... . I said just ___ing stop the bulls*it. You know that not true, stop projecting the things you did." She wouldn't stop, the conversation became circular... . It was out of control. She hung up.  Then I texted something about the apt I got for her, the clothes I put on her back blah blah... . she responds with stop blowing up my phone with texts. Then she said something hurtful. Like F off. Then she said some other crap like focus on yourself. And move on. I said I did move on. She said oh yeah then you wouldn't be texting me.  Then she said I moved on too with schmuck ( her exbf shes been recycling for 4 years and constantly cheats on) She said "Im in love and very happy and I have moved on. You have not".  I said... . you remember the tears begging me to get you away from him... . and how much you hated him all year. She said well hes very different now, a lot has happened and we have both changed... .   Now this guy KNOWS of her cheating, because as it turns out they never really totally broke up I guess. Who knows. Ok... . end of Feb I was in her bed having sex and she was texting him to come home from vacation and she missed him. I called her on it and walked out... she went crazy and begged me back. Basically having crazy sex with me and our pillow talk was her texting her ex... . ugh. 

To make a long story short... . these texts went on for a couple of hours end with her saying stop texting me... . and I got one last rant off telling her that the silent treatment is one of the coldest cruelest things you can do to someone. It invalidates the entire relationship, it makes the other person feel devalued and discarded, used and invisible. It makes someone feel as if the relationship never existed and that the person meant absolutely nothing to you.  Oh yeah... . she threw in that I MADE HER LIE about the guy I busted her banging twice 6 weeks ago ( not her exbf she just went back to btw) I made her lie because I had no right expecting her loyalty or fidelity or I was so controlling or some crazy ___ that was absolutely untrue.

So even though I sort of have moved on, Im intimate with my ex ex and we seem to be getting closer in a very guarded way. I guess I just have not and I was holding out some fingernail of hope that she would PICK ME. How pathetic is that. I cant believe Id find some reason to allow that behavior.

So I feel like a total weak minded loser and I want to bash my head into a wall. So frustrating. When is enough enough?

[JohnThorn]

I dont know what possessed me this afternoon. The sunshine, a song, or about the time we met last year. Whatever it was I texted something benign. Like its a beautiful day, how are you doing?  I got an immediate phone call. " Who is this"  She knew... . next words were " I told you never to contact me again"  So I said... . slow down... what the heck is wrong with you. "What exactly do you believe I did to create such venomous hatred." Then she started with your a liar your a this and that... . I said just ___ing stop the bulls*it. You know that not true, stop projecting the things you did." She wouldn't stop, the conversation became circular... . It was out of control. She hung up.  Then I texted something about the apt I got for her, the clothes I put on her back blah blah... . she responds with stop blowing up my phone with texts. Then she said something hurtful. Like F off. Then she said some other crap like focus on yourself. And move on. I said I did move on. She said oh yeah then you wouldn't be texting me.  Then she said I moved on too with schmuck ( her exbf shes been recycling for 4 years and constantly cheats on) She said "Im in love and very happy and I have moved on. You have not".  I said... . you remember the tears begging me to get you away from him... . and how much you hated him all year. She said well hes very different now, a lot has happened and we have both changed... .   Now this guy KNOWS of her cheating, because as it turns out they never really totally broke up I guess. Who knows. Ok... . end of Feb I was in her bed having sex and she was texting him to come home from vacation and she missed him. I called her on it and walked out... she went crazy and begged me back. Basically having crazy sex with me and our pillow talk was her texting her ex... . ugh. 

To make a long story short... . these texts went on for a couple of hours end with her saying stop texting me... . and I got one last rant off telling her that the silent treatment is one of the coldest cruelest things you can do to someone. It invalidates the entire relationship, it makes the other person feel devalued and discarded, used and invisible. It makes someone feel as if the relationship never existed and that the person meant absolutely nothing to you.  Oh yeah... . she threw in that I MADE HER LIE about the guy I busted her banging twice 6 weeks ago ( not her exbf she just went back to btw) I made her lie because I had no right expecting her loyalty or fidelity or I was so controlling or some crazy ___ that was absolutely untrue.

So even though I sort of have moved on, Im intimate with my ex ex and we seem to be getting closer in a very guarded way. I guess I just have not and I was holding out some fingernail of hope that she would PICK ME. How pathetic is that. I cant believe Id find some reason to allow that behavior.

So I feel like a total weak minded loser and I want to bash my head into a wall. So frustrating. When is enough enough?

This account is SO close to home to the point where I had to laugh a little. Laughing is really good to do about stuff like this.

My first response was going to be "you gotta get away from this girl". But I know how hard that is. But in reading your account it made me recognize just how funny my accounts must seem to my friends. I TOTALLY get it all man. It is exactly verbatim what I've been thru. At some point, we could trade stories and just laugh.  These people are not worth entertaining. It's easier said than done because they are so compelling and seductive... . if you are sensitive like me you start to believe their fake sincerity.

Hear me out Split... . I think our ego gets caught up in this... . I think if you and I knew 100% that our ex BPD would NEVER have a successful romance, or find a guy who could put her in her place and not "fail to the tame beast" as we had, we could walk away joyously in knowing that the pain and detriment was no long going to be our burden. It is partially the fear that someone else is going to "figure her out" and make things work with her... . that makes it very hard. Because we know how "great" certain things about her is... .

[Split black]

@John

I cant believe the award winning acting lying she had to do in order to convince her ex back.

At one point in order to prove her sincerity to me, SHE insisted on giving me her FB password. Ok... then she says but dont read my messages... . ummm sure. She also didnt realize I could go into her archived crap which of course I did because I knew she was so sketch and only 10% of anything that comes out of her piehole is the truth.

And what do I see ... . a novel of messages between her and her ex... . how hes bring her " penis " when he gets home, how shes always tite and ready for him. On and on... . back and forth... . how he is scared because she hurt him. And shes dont worry, just come home. I also read messages sent out to various ex ___s and other guys she met telling them to come visit her. One in particular is a coke dealer she confessed to doing as a trade once. ( shes some prize) She made me swear never to tell anyone. I was surprised to see they were friends and messaging again because she unfriended him after she told me about it.  Then I log off, she comes out of the shower and hops on gives me a ride a rodeo cowboy would be proud of. Sick. All the while shes doing me, this conversation is burning a hole in my temple... . but Im too much of an as$hole to stop her based on my situational ethics and principles.

At some point in the frustrating conversation this afternoon, I mentioned to her... . do you remember the many conversations we had about co-dependent relationships... . and how you are both addicts and alcoholics ( at least he is recovering and as part of his demands to return insisted AGAIN she goes to meetings and remains sober, this I learned later and put two and two together) so at least THAT is a positive thing out of all this. But that poor chump thinks that drinking and drugging is her only problem... . its her BPD thats going to ruin this re cycle with him.

Anyway... . Im blacker then black and out... . and shes just colder then ice... . and is in love and happy... . lmao. whatever.  I should not have called, I feel worse... . I cant say Im back to square one but I definitely feel like dog ___.

[JohnThorn]

If you can even begin to try... . try to laugh about it.

I am aware that there's a difference between being a no-good girlfriend and actually having BPD. I am also aware that having BPD is no laughing matter at all. But I have really taken into account many of the stories here and marveled at the parallels. Having known my ex for years and been intimately involved with her through hell and back, I can say with absolute certainty that my ex has BPD. I have begun this week (my first week of true NC) begun to think and speak of her like a walking case of BPD and don't even attempt to think of her as a person. It is the first time I've ever done this in my head. She is no longer a real person in my mind, but rather a disorder embodied in an attractive female enclosure. It may sound wrong to persuade myself to think this, but it's not only a defense mechanism; it is very much a sad reality. I am aware that when it comes to a close intimate relationship of any kind with her, she is utterly conniving and harmful. If I were to not consider the BPD, I would simply call her evil.

If your ex had a sexually transmitted disease that could kill you, you would likely give her up. You may think for the rest of your life "damn she was the one, but I'm not going to die just to be with her, that's really awful"... . in my view, as long as she does not take on the illness... . she is a walking disease that's potentially fatal and keeps you close ultimately with sexual prowess. In essence, it has similarities. Think of her as a walking disease... . not a person. It is what I am doing and it's making life easier day by day.