Do I raise BPD... I want to be honest...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi all,

With my P I have been talking about what I want, how I should move forward.  All of these topics that hurt, raise questions and make you reconsider your options.  My ex is uBPD (possibly knows, never admitted it to me).  She is VERY high functioning and this has led to so much damage to me its confronting.  My problem is logically I should leave emotionally I can now see how I added to her problems.  They were her unhealthy traits habits but I also allowed them to continue. 

I want to, logically I should as well leave and move on.  Emotionally I have identified that I still have those feelings for her, I want to try one more time to be open and honest and try to resolve the problems. 

Its crazy, she destroyed me emotionally and I am still willing to try to work through our issues.  I know I cant change her, I can only change myself, that is very confronting for me.  I have to do this either way but I want to be honest with her and lay it out on the table.  I couldn't forgive myself if I didn't try. 

What is your previous experience with this sort of thing.  Basically everything I read tells me the denial is to big a obstical to overcome.  Has anyone got any direct experience with this, positive and negative. 

I have to live with the decision I make and want to work with her not against her.  I think me being the rescuer type is really holding me back here.  I know whatever I do I have to live with it, walking away without trying and being honest is something I don't know how I will live with. 

I have drafted a letter with my P but  hesitant to hand it to her.  I am fearful of the reaction.  Counterproductive?

Anyones experience or insight would be appreciated. 

[Aussie JJ]

Hi all,

With my P I have been talking about what I want, how I should move forward.  All of these topics that hurt, raise questions and make you reconsider your options.  My ex is uBPD (possibly knows, never admitted it to me).  She is VERY high functioning and this has led to so much damage to me its confronting.  My problem is logically I should leave emotionally I can now see how I added to her problems.  They were her unhealthy traits habits but I also allowed them to continue. 

I want to, logically I should as well leave and move on.  Emotionally I have identified that I still have those feelings for her, I want to try one more time to be open and honest and try to resolve the problems. 

Its crazy, she destroyed me emotionally and I am still willing to try to work through our issues.  I know I cant change her, I can only change myself, that is very confronting for me.  I have to do this either way but I want to be honest with her and lay it out on the table.  I couldn't forgive myself if I didn't try. 

What is your previous experience with this sort of thing.  Basically everything I read tells me the denial is to big a obstical to overcome.  Has anyone got any direct experience with this, positive and negative. 

I have to live with the decision I make and want to work with her not against her.  I think me being the rescuer type is really holding me back here.  I know whatever I do I have to live with it, walking away without trying and being honest is something I don't know how I will live with. 

I have drafted a letter with my P but  hesitant to hand it to her.  I am fearful of the reaction.  Counterproductive?

Anyones experience or insight would be appreciated. 

[Turkish]

Hi Aussie JJ,

I understand the need to analyze, help, and lay your thoughts on the table. Throwing out the lay diagnosis of a serious mental illness is generally thought to not be a good thing to do. I did to my high functioning uBPD (who acted low functioning for months), and she later told me is scared the crap out of her. She just heard:

Borderline

Personality

Disorder

and didn't know a thing about it. After coming here and learning a great deal, I understood why. I never brought it up again, though a month later, she did self-diagnose herself with an unspecific "attachment disorder." I was silent. I'm not a therapist, and our r/s was all but done anyway. I probably could still help her, but since I became her biggest trigger, I think it would cause more harm than good.

Perhaps you can read this piece which discusses it:

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD

There is quite a bit of information against disclosing a possible diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (BPD) to those we love and care about….and for good reason.  The phrase “personality disorder” comes across as an insult, even in the kindest delivery.  For example, imagine if you felt there was nothing wrong with your intelligence and someone empathetically tried to convince that you were in denial and that you are actually severely retarded.  How would that go over?  Perhaps you may recoil and shout, “I’m not stupid, you are the stupid one!”  Then of course, things get escalated from there and any therapeutic window for discussion is now highly defended.

[Aussie JJ]

Ive read that post and so much other stuff.  That's what I find conflicting.  I can say I contributed or allowed? Some of the problems in our relationship to develop and continue. 

I was ignorant of them and in survival mode.  I now have knowledge, she knows about BPD as she has studied psychology.   It might be confronting to her, however I have to live with what I do from now on in.  We have a 2yoS and he is my world and to a large extent hers. 

I lied for so long to myself allowing the bad behaviours to continue and ruin our relationship I don't want to lie going into the future. 

I am feeling like im damned if I do and damned if I dont. 

[Aussie JJ]

Would it be appropriate to post what me and P wrote together as a letter to her?

[Turkish]

Would it be appropriate to post what me and P wrote together as a letter to her?

That's up to you. It's not inappropriate. Remember to edit anything that might compromise anonymity.

[Aussie JJ]

UEXBPD,

 

I have been attending sessions with my psychologist in order to sort out ways to improve myself as a person. 

 

In the course of those sessions my psychologist believes that I have been involved in a relationship with a partner who has been extremely controlling, anxiously insecure and emotionally manipulative. 

 

My lack of awareness has lead to me alienating myself from my friends & family, believe that they were bad people & that I was a bad person.  It led me to believe that I had to basically stay loyal to my partner whilst being subjected to this abuse. 

 

I now understand that your insecurities that have manifested in the context of our relationship have involved a lot of internal anger & emotional blackmail as well as your fears of being abandoned. 

 

My psychologist tells me that he strongly suspects that I have been in a relationship with a partner who has classic symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. 

 

I wish I knew these issues earlier so I could work on the issues with you at the time we were together.  I feel deeply hurt and sad that my awareness about these complications comes now, because ideally I would want to help you. 

 

I fear the damage that these complications have caused in our relationship are far beyond repair.  I understand that a person like you can be considered a sophisticated manipulator, who can not only manipulate people in the above mentioned circles but also professionals and the judiciary. 

 

I am not trying to say that you are a bad person, dishonest or deceitful person.  What I am trying to say is you are anxious and deeply insecure individual and have a need to engage in such behaviours. 

 

I put it to you that when you are under stress you are highly suspicious, you get very easily depressed and you cope with that depression by externalizing anger to those people who you want to emotionally control. 

 

My concern is how your complex attachment needs and internal emotional conflicts will affect our CHILD. 

 

Unfortunately you will have to respect my relationship with CHILD and that may cause you significant distress.  It will be very damaging to him, like it is damaging to our relationship if you should choose to control his relationship with me and diminish its significance. 

 

I feel so helpless because the dominant part of you is so difficult to address.  There is a part of you that I deeply love that I thought was all of you.  It grieves me that you wouldn’t allow me previously to help and now I am not in a position to do so. 

 

Unfortunately for me, the flow is to strong and this is a river of no return. 

 

Regards,

 

XXXX

[LettingGo14]

Aussie -- I realize you are devastated and I am sorry you are hurting.   

I am not a professional but I think that there are a few options you might want to explore before sending that letter, if you send at all.  I believe you intentions are sincere but that letter may result in the opposite reaction you desire.  There is great risk you will be viewed as a persecutor, even if not the intent.

Have you spent time on the staying board to see how people reconnected or managed relationships?

I think, on the leaving board, many of us concluded that "last letters" may have been part of the bargaining stage of grief.

I know you state a desire to give it one last chance.   Do you see how your letter might not be seen in a favorable light?   Have you considered other strategies?

[coolioqq]

I agree with LettingGo. Knowing the complexity of BPD, I understand and believe everything you described in the letter. Unfortunately, I don't think pwBPD are capable of confronting their issues, and much less so when they are confronted so directly and concretely as the letter suggests. I think you made the right decision to post it here before sending. Like LettingGo said, you may want to hold off on sending it, and consider other strategies first.

Your case is entirely different from mine, since there is a child involved. I had an urge more than several times to write such a letter myself. However, in my case staying NC was the best strategy. But, in your case, it is quite different. I would consider a softer or a more subtle approach. Let's see what others have to say.

[Aussie JJ]

One thing I beleive is by not confronting the issue head on im continuing to allow her to deny the problem and still being submisive and tollerant etc. 

Im getting steamrolled and from everything I have read both here and elsewhere my pain is a 10th of hers. 

I know its the rescuer syndrome but I really feel helpless. 

[AwakenedOne]

Aussie JJ,

I've read your posts. I would suggest you not blame your self as much. Sounds like you tried your best in a lot of ways. I can relate to a lot of your story. I'm sorry your in the position that you are, it must be really hard. Posting here and thinking out stuff before you do it is very wise. Make your own decision though, you have to live it, just consider it all. Also seeing a P is great.

As for the letter you are thinking about sending I have a few comments. If your ex is anything like my uBPDstbxW I would not send that. If I look at that through my ex's perspective that email is going to make her so mad and not talk to you and she will probably hold a grudge for a long time. She will be in the mindset of how dare you say she's crazy. That's what your letter = in her mind. The letter doesn't have enough of a feel of love and hope in my opinion also.

If you send an email I would change it to a gentle loving letter with some form of please go to see a P because... . -> there has to be an incentive such as -> you both will one day have a nice happy family goal or something etc... . /because you love her and all the great things about her etc... . and potential etc... .

So you broke up with her? Why is she limiting your time with your son and messing with you? She's still mad of the breakup or what?

You might want to wait and get some more opinions on this.

AO

[Aussie JJ]

I kicked her out of the house when she was hitting me while holding our son on her hip.  I had no way to cope with it and then for 11 moths we did the dance of trying to sort things out.  The whole time she was rubbishing me behind my back to everyone. 

I still have feelings for her.  I can understand how I have made her go ballistic and want to try and fix it still.  I keep going back to logic and going well this isn't a normal person she is ill it wont work. 

Stupid emotions making this very hard for me. 

I am having problems giving up on helping her though.  I have to look after myself before her and that is something that I cant reconcile easily. 

[Turkish]

Thank you for sharing, AJJ. It must have felt liberating to craft it.

I know you're worried about your son, and also processing your own hurt. Due to your son, however, you will likely have some type of close r/s with this woman for at least the two decades. As I recall, your legal custody status isn't ironed out yet, no? I think a lot of the things you wrote, while true, will be triggering to her in a bad way. At this point, especially until you get legal protection, it's best to not stir the hornet's nest. It's hard, I know. Even harder while you are still so freshly wounded, but at this point you also have to think about what is best for your son. When you have him, that is when you can work on protecting him from the high risk parent. I know you are worried how she will affect your son, and your worries are founded (have you read How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children?) I see subtle signs at this point of some of the behaviors in the article, but mine is busy medicating with my replacement, so the focus is less on the children in a bad way. I'm ready for it to get worse... .

What can you do to lessen your pain, and also protect your son? I know you have your emotional needs as well. These are serious and necessary questions which I am going through right now with our two kids and my high functioning uBPDx. It is very, very, tough. And we are not the only ones here going through something similar.

I encourage you to check out the Co-Parenting Board and read some of the resources there.

As for the letter specifically, can you put yourself on the other side? How would you feel if someone sent that to you, even as a non?

[Turkish]

I kicked her out of the house when she was hitting me while holding our son on her hip.  I had no way to cope with it and then for 11 moths we did the dance of trying to sort things out.  The whole time she was rubbishing me behind my back to everyone. 

I still have feelings for her.  I can understand how I have made her go ballistic and want to try and fix it still.  I keep going back to logic and going well this isn't a normal person she is ill it wont work. 

You may have been a trigger, but nothing made her assault you other than her. There is no excuse for that.

None.

[2010]

Communicating with your child’s Mother isn’t counterproductive, but the blame is.

It looks like you’ve been empowered by your visits in therapy. That’s a good thing, but if you read your post the one thing that stands out is your desire to have a closer bond with your child. Bargaining and submissive behavior aside, this is the one thing that’s going to be on ongoing struggle between you. You don’t want to do anything to jeopardize that and make the Mother of your child defensive.

BPD is a persecution complex. The over-reactions are emotions that surface as coping mechanisms. They surface as feelings of being out of control, as you said, suspicious and depressed and angry… all of the above that are difficult emotions for anyone. Perhaps you’ve been on the receiving end of these but if you want a relationship with your child you’re going to have to understand why these emotions arise. And in the aftermath, pointing the finger of blame only brings about a feeling of depression and insecurity. Remember, these are primitive emotions that are deeply entrenched. You want to be a part of your child’s life and that means he’ll be with his Mother (and her emotions) until he becomes an adult. Your therapy needs to address how to get your voice heard without bringing more people into play (such as a therapist) to trigger the persecution complex.

This letter you so eloquently penned is really about voice. It blames and gives reasons but it doesn’t offer any suggestions on how to best co-parent. That is what you want to communicate, not blame.

If you want to see how a person with BPD would read this letter- take a look at these possibilities: Perhaps you’ll see it from a different point of view and change your verbiage to better reflect what it is that you really want, which is respect and dual obligation of a child. You might want to spend some time on the staying board to see how people handle the ups and downs of communication.

Sorry for being blunt with this but here goes:

"I have been attending sessions with my psychologist in order to sort out ways to improve myself as a person."

I’ve been seeing a shrink

"In the course of those sessions my psychologist believes that I have been involved in a relationship with a partner who has been extremely controlling, anxiously insecure and emotionally manipulative."

He says it’s all your fault

"My lack of awareness has lead to me alienating myself from my friends & family, believe that they were bad people & that I was a bad person.  It led me to believe that I had to basically stay loyal to my partner whilst being subjected to this abuse."

I haven't addressed this completely in therapy, but all signs point to you as the one to blame.

"I now understand that your insecurities that have manifested in the context of our relationship have involved a lot of internal anger & emotional blackmail as well as your fears of being abandoned."

This helps me to feel better because it moves the focus from me to you.

"My psychologist tells me that he strongly suspects that I have been in a relationship with a partner who has classic symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder."

We’ve been talking about you behind your back and we both believe you’re defective and the cause of all my problems.

"I wish I knew these issues earlier so I could work on the issues with you at the time we were together.  I feel deeply hurt and sad that my awareness about these complications comes now, because ideally I would want to help you."

Now that I know this information, I am above you intellectually and I can point the finger at you. This would again take the focus off of me and place the blame right back on to you where WE (the professional and I) think it belongs.

"I fear the damage that these complications have caused in our relationship are far beyond repair.  I understand that a person like you can be considered a sophisticated manipulator, who can not only manipulate people in the above mentioned circles but also professionals and the judiciary."

You are a con artist and I don’t trust you.

"I am not trying to say that you are a bad person, dishonest or deceitful person.  What I am trying to say is you are anxious and deeply insecure individual and have a need to engage in such behaviours."

I’m tip toeing on eggshells here after I unloaded the previous paragraph. Let me back track. Actually, I'm unsure about what to think.

"I put it to you that when you are under stress you are highly suspicious, you get very easily depressed and you cope with that depression by externalizing anger to those people who you want to emotionally control."

Let's get one thing straight. I don’t do anything to cause your stress, do I?

"My concern is how your complex attachment needs and internal emotional conflicts will affect our CHILD."

"Complex attachment needs and internal emotional conflicts?" This makes me sound like I don't share these, but I do. I need to work on my own "internal emotional conflicts" and "complex attachment needs." I might as well be speaking a foreign language to you if you haven't asked your own questions and sought your own answers, but the reality is that it isn't up to me to decide for you, I need to work on myself. Notice how I placed "CHILD" in caps? Along with the backing of the “professionals” in the previous paragraphs, and psychology websites I visit, we are concerned that you're a bad Mother.

"Unfortunately you will have to respect my relationship with CHILD and that may cause you significant distress.  It will be very damaging to him, like it is damaging to our relationship if you should choose to control his relationship with me and diminish its significance."

I don’t understand BPD. I haven’t yet understood how you were raised and why you feel the way you do. I also don't realize that nothing can diminish the significance of a Father to his child, but I'm feeling scared. We need to share the responsibilities of our child. Don't shut me out.

"I feel so helpless because the dominant part of you is so difficult to address."

You remind me of someone, I'm not sure who yet but I'd better get to the bottom of this in therapy.

"There is a part of you that I deeply love that I thought was all of you." 

This is all or none thinking that I need to work on in therapy. No one is all good or all bad, but thinking makes it so. I'll need to work on that so I don't influence my child to think poorly of you. I need to get to acceptance of you as you really are.

"It grieves me that you wouldn’t allow me previously to help and now I am not in a position to do so."

This is a fallacy I haven't understood yet. I never was in a position to help you because I need to help myself first. Until I help myself, I am in no position to help others. I am going to work on this in therapy. I'm sorry I was confused.

"Unfortunately for me, the flow is to strong and this is a river of no return."

It’s not really. I’m just being dramatic. I just made a statement that I wanted to share the obligations of child raising, so you’re going to be a part of my life for the rest of his.  Let's work on this.

Regards,



Talk to you soon.

[Aussie JJ]

Thing is you are all correct I have alot to work on myself. 

I do think she would explode, I would probably do the same.  Ive got 4 years of emotion overflowing and im trying to deal with it in one letter... .

i have to start on me first as ive got minimum 16 years of dealing with her for my sons benifit... .

[lemon flower]

I do think she would explode, I would probably do the same.  Ive got 4 years of emotion overflowing and im trying to deal with it in one letter... .

exactly... . no matter how hard you try to explain and find the right lines/words, it will hurt as hell, and she will not read it the way you would want her to... .

I once tried to write my ex a letter to explain him all the reasons WHY our r/s didn't work from my perspective, fortunately I realised in time (before I sent him the letter) that this  made no sense and would not help... .

because:

- my perspective doesn't count to him anyway; he will read it and deform it in his mind until it fits in his own analysis

- he only wants to know what HE did WRONG (because to him if he didn't "screw it up again", we would still be together) --> again, he doesn't understand that maybe I could be part of te problem too, that maybe I would have left for other personal reasons than his "bad behaviour" and his "failing"

- but if I would list him (even in the gentlest way) his "defaults" or reminded him of some awful situations we went through together he would either rage out because he can't stand any criticism, or (in a later stage) he would try to actively "change" those behaviours, promising it will never happen again, in order to start again... .   and mentioning BPD would be such an enormous "default" in his eyes that I would wound him so badly as he allready has so little self-respect !

never do that without discussing it with a therapist first and if you would mention it to her let the T do the talking... .

[janey62]

I keep going back to logic and going well this isn't a normal person she is ill it wont work.  

Stupid emotions making this very hard for me.  

I am having problems giving up on helping her though.  I have to look after myself before her and that is something that I cant reconcile easily.  

Aussie,

This is so hard for you, but I think that what you've said here is it, in a nutshell.

I nearly drove myself mad trying to apply some logic to what was happening to me, but in the end I concluded that the rules don't apply in this situation.  For a long time I told myself that I couldn't abandon him to his fate with this illness and that somehow I could, must, help him.  Wrong!  The more I tried the worse I made it and the more pain and confusion I felt.  And the worse he felt.  I had no right to try to make him 'well' and was better off looking at me and admitting to the fact that I was far from well myself... .   All he ever heard was criticism and me confirming his worst fears about himself, though I was trying to help?

It is a very complex illness and one which is better left to the experts.

Every time you feel that wave of frustration and panic and the urge to do something to put it all right, resist it!  Wait until it passes and keep telling yourself that you will just make things worse, and ask yourself what you hope to achieve... .

Especially when you have a child together, Turkish is right, you will be able to do more good for yourself and the child if you leave her alone and let her settle down and then work on how you can parent together.

I told my uBPDexbf that I thought he had BPD and he went mad!  He was so hurt and furious with me and it lasted weeks.  Now I understand why... . because I awakened his persecution complex.  He never really forgave me, even though on some level he knew there was truth in it.

He has since been diagnosed with BPD by a psychiatrist, which he took ok.  But not ok for me to diagnose him, after all, in his mind I was the problem... . He didn't trust me and believed I didn't love him really, in fact he was just waiting for me to betray him, and I did!  I really wish I hadn't said it.


My advice to you Aussie is to do or say nothing, just keep posting here, keep reading and trying to help yourself.

Janey x

[Aussie JJ]

Something I spoke with my P about yesterday was essentially the self worth side of things.  More on me than other stuff. 

I didn't realise how down I had become and how much I had lost sight of my goals.  I'm trying to get all the 'me' things back, exercise, friends, socializing, cooking and eating good food.  I lost alot of my passions in this relationship and had them viewed constantly as negative aspects of me.  This was my fault for accepting this.   I have to change this. 

I am feeling better when getting my life back, doing things for myself.  It feels selfish, I am looking after me instead of catering for someone else.  I know long term its good but as soon as I stop I'm back remembering that I've lost that one big plan I had. 

I bought a house next to a good school, in the middle of renovating, got a better job.  Everything towards building a future for both of us and I've lost that.  When that pain comes I can't tackle it, I cant fix that pain at the moment.  Nothing I did in that aspect was good enough to save the relationship or make her happy.  It actually made me miserable over time giving up so much of myself. 

People telling me it gets better is one thing but I honestly feel like im giving up on that one thing I have worked so hard striving for without a fight. 

One problem is recognising their was a problem that I didn't address well, now I cant go back and have a 'do over'.  I cant even address the r/s problems now that I know what they are only my side of it.  Its all I ever could effect if I'm honest but I did such a hit job of it then and now I have such a huge job to do to get back to a normal head space. 

I do feel like I'm giving up on that one dream I had worked so hard for.  It sounds very self defeating, especially when everything I read tells me that for the ex it never existed the same way as it did for me.  Doesnt make it less real for me at the moment. 

Their is no tailor made solution other than to work through the problems one by one.  Lots of little problems for me personally but one massive problem with respect to how to manage contact with her and ensure I'm not forced out of my sons life.  So much anxiety about that one issue its overpowering at times. 

[LettingGo14]

When that pain comes I can't tackle it, I cant fix that pain at the moment. 

Someone quoted this to me once:  "You get up where you fall down.  You don't get up somewhere else.  It's where you fall down that you establish your practice." 

The "pain" is something I personally ran from -- for a long time.  I thought I could "fix" things.   I thought she could "fix" things.   

I'm learning, slowly, that "pain" might be something to acknowledge.   Personally, I raged, bargained, and recycled over and over.

Then, I learned I was not alone.  Then, I learned that I could actual "lean into the spear."   It's not easy, and sometimes I would rather eat nails, but... . we can do this together.

People telling me it gets better is one thing but I honestly feel like im giving up on that one thing I have worked so hard striving for without a fight. 

You are fighting now -- for yourself, and your child.  You are not "giving up" -- I think you are "choosing" health, by taking all the steps you cited earlier:  "exercise, friends, socializing, cooking and eating good food."

2010 said something in a thread recently that really helped me:  "Let go and heal. I know it will be hard, but the one person who needs you is you. Take care of yourself and remember, you can only be responsible for one adult in life. Let go and be at peace."

Lots of little problems for me personally but one massive problem with respect to how to manage contact with her and ensure I'm not forced out of my sons life.  So much anxiety about that one issue its overpowering at times. 

Yes -- that is a challenge.  But you are taking the steps you need to take to be in a good position as a father. 

We're here for you.   You are not alone.

[goldylamont]

Aussie JJ i think it's mostly unanimous so far that you should not send this letter. It is a good thing that you wrote it though. But if you do send it it will only give her more ammunition to hate you and it's possible she will use your son against you as revenge. 2010 did a great line-by-line of the letter, but my guess of how she would read the letter:

you have BPD. you suck. i don't

my child means a lot to me. you need to change to be a better parent.

and all of this is true. thing is in this letter the first part will only insult/enrage her and the second part basically spells out your Achille's heal. your are basically telling her that the best way for her to cause you pain is to use your child against you, and you do this just after pissing her off. her response may very well be "AussieJJ, F-U! And as far as coparenting goes you can kiss my hiney." just not a good strategy. i think it's wonderful you can work with your P to write this but i think it's really bad advice to send it.

i think the best strategy with her is to be gentle and respectful, yet firm and clear with communication--all the while working to get as much legal rights as you can with your S. don't show her your cards, she doesn't care at all about your pain or therapy. it's hard to do i know but i think playing to her ego and then venting here and in therapy (but *not* to her) is the best strategy to keep her as much in place as possible while you establish legality and co-parenting.

[goldylamont]

Aussie JJ i think it's mostly unanimous so far that you should not send this letter. It is a good thing that you wrote it though. But if you do send it it will only give her more ammunition to hate you and it's possible she will use your son against you as revenge. 2010 did a great line-by-line of the letter, but my guess of how she would read the letter:

you have BPD. you suck. i don't

my child means a lot to me. you need to change to be a better parent.

and all of this is true. so so true... . thing is in this letter the first part will only insult/enrage her and the second part basically spells out your Achille's heal. your are basically telling her that the best way for her to cause you pain is to use your child against you, and you do this just after pissing her off. her response may very well be "AussieJJ, F-U! And as far as coparenting goes you can kiss my hiney." just not a good strategy. i think it's wonderful you can work with your P to write this but i think it's really bad advice to send it.

i think the best strategy with her is to be gentle and respectful, yet firm and clear with communication--all the while working to get as much legal rights as you can with your S. don't show her your cards, she doesn't care at all about your pain or therapy. it's hard to do i know but i think playing to her ego and then venting here and in therapy (but *not* to her) is the best strategy to keep her as much in place as possible while you establish legality and co-parenting.

[Aussie JJ]

My P wrote it with me and told me to wait till the next session before sending it off.  I can see what he has done as I was emotional at the time, I promissed him I would wait a week before sending it off.  So he's made me think about it in my head before following through. 

Within 4 days I'm seeing that doing so is just as bad as some of her behaviours. 

Realistically I cant send it at all as its only going to inflame the situation and not benefit my son. 

I still don't get why I want to help her even now when her abuse continues.  I am starting to get more knowledge and see its futile to work on anything other than my actions. 

[Aussie JJ]

Thankyou for honest feedback all, helped me get to the correct decision a bit sooner. 

[AwakenedOne]

i think the best strategy with her is to be gentle and respectful, yet firm and clear with communication--all the while working to get as much legal rights as you can with your S. don't show her your cards, she doesn't care at all about your pain or therapy. it's hard to do i know but i think playing to her ego and then venting here and in therapy (but *not* to her) is the best strategy to keep her as much in place as possible while you establish legality and co-parenting.

Very good advice.