Beginning Day 5 of NC (some cracks begin)

[JohnThorn]

Hey guys,

I had what was intended to be my final conversation with my ex on Wednesday of last week.  It ended with me telling her that I felt that if she and I continued to do this dance that I would ultimately lose my sanity insofar as I would likely end my life.  I meant what I said because I have been already very close.  When I told her this information (after we talked for about an hour), she sounded very sad and told me "John, you have no idea how sad this makes me.  I won't contact you anymore"... . and we hung up.  I called her back a few minutes later to tell her that if ever I really followed through with the suicide, I didn't want her to feel that it was her fault because clearly, no one can truly make someone feel that much despair - part of it would simply have to be me.  At this point (about a half hour later) she seemed entirely disengaged on the issue and I got off the phone rather quickly.

... . Also, I'll say here I have been seeing mental health professional to handle this... .

back to the story... .

Yesterday (Sunday), my ex BPD gf's best friend was due to be married.  I know the wedding took place and I know that this wedding had been a source of great sadness for my ex BPD.  She had told me many many times how after the girl got married, due to cultural differences, she would likely never hear from her friend anymore.  She told me how devastated this made her.  And when I saw her last week before going NC, she asked me to meet with her after the wedding.  Somewhere in the back of my mind, I believed that my ex BPD gf was going to reach out to me after the wedding.  Of course, I'm half glad she didn't.

Question: If she really never contacts me again after my very serious comment, does that mean that she really DID love me?



I try to think of her as a walk BPD robot because her symptoms are so predictably BPD.  I guess some part of me though will never be fully convinced that the woman I loved was an out-and-out fraud to the degree of simply being a walking disorder.  Although, if I could believe this at all times, it sure would help me.

[trappedinlove]

Question: If she really never contacts me again after my very serious comment, does that mean that she really DID love me?

We don't know her and you should probably stop trying to read her mind and focus on YOU instead... .

From the experience I had with my uBPDxso she might have problems dealing with the sadness and guilt about what you said to her.  And she might blame you for abandoning her and being selfish, thinking and acting upon about your pain rather than hers.

But this is all totally unrelated to loving you or not.  Love is not the factor in what she does or does not.

There are probably greater anxieties in her mind that would overwhelm her even if she loves/d you and even more so, the more she loves you and the more you get closer the more she is scared to lose you, because this is the core of being BPD.

You threatening to hurt yourself because of your r/s is the ultimate proof for going to abandon her.  And this is likely to send her running as far as she can from you. And yes, typically because she cares about you, she needs you, and she is afraid to lose you.

Focus on YOU brother.

Focus on getting stronger and putting yourself together.

[winston72]

JT, thank you for assuring us that you are seeing a professional about your suicidal thoughts.  It is very important to address these thoughts and the feelings that are driving them.  Such thoughts have been companions of mine for most of my life.  They need serious attention and can be powerful indicators to places in need of tender healing.

JT, what are you really asking with your question?  It merits some thought.  You have told her and told us that continuing to contact her will trigger self-destructive thoughts for you, or rather continue to energize the ones you already feel.  I imagine that part of the inner pain for you is the confusion of relating to someone with a disordered personality.  She was not able to sustain feelings of love or the emotional commitment to nurture love between you.  This is, I think, already an established fact between the two of you.  Did she ever really love you, or not, does not need to be tied to a future behavior, especially one where you have tied it to such a loaded issue as your own injury.  Are you testing her based on her reaction to your call?  It is a risky strategy given your history with her.