I don't want to try.

[mama72]

It has already been a rough day. Too tired to even write about it.

What happens if a parent is too tired to try? To use all the TOOLS, SET and all of the other acronyms? I am barely staying afloat with my own health and sanity. I read posts from other parents that are so strong, resilient and inspirational. I may not be one of those parents?

Perhaps, the Radical Acceptance that is occurring, is that I am not cut out for this?

End of rant. Thanks for "listening".

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Dear autkpi

I am sorry you are having a rough day... . we all have those. Today my dd16 would not get out of bed... . I woke her three times... . exhausting and finally I yelled... . I was not happy I lost it... . I am not a morning person but I am human... . I sent her a text to tell her I was sorry because I am.

On these occassions I feel it is better to take a time out... . if you are not up to dealing with your dd then walk away. Don't be hard on yourself... . we are all trying the best we can... . these skills you mention take time to learn and don't always come naturally.

What are you doing for yourself right now? How are you finding the strength when you are exhausted and run down... . What can you do for you today? When I go grocery shopping I buy myself flowers... . I do this alot... . they are not expensive but everytime I look at them I feel good... . who doesn't like flowere! Is there something you can do? I took a class one time and they told us to make a kind of happy bag for when we were having a bad day... . inside there could be things that could cheer us up... . like a photo of our dd when she was a baby, maybe a favorite movie that can make us laugh... . or some bath salts etc... . I think it is really importent that you find something that is going to help you get through the hard times.

You are one of us... . and we all ride that roller coaster with our kids... . it is learning how to enjoy the ride that is key  

[lever.]

I also have days like this. I tend to withdraw for a while to build up my strength. Warm bath, early night mindless TV programme. Not always possible I know but afterwards I can pick up again and keep trying.

I don't think anyone is really cut out for this! We can only keep getting back up and do our best

[raytamtay3]

Autkpi  - I can so relate to where you are. I often times feel like I simply do not have the energy to put in to trying to do right by my DD14 by utilizing all the tools mentioned. It is mentally and physically exhausting. I work a full time job that takes me over an hour to get to and from, I have a 6 year old DS, a house to take care of, a new marriage to nurture and DD takes up more than half of my time. I did get to a point where I threw my hands up in the air and just let her do whatever she wanted. And things just got even worse. So while I still have not put to use all of the tools mentioned on this forum, I have used some of them just to keep my sanity (boundaries and validation). We have to use what works best for us too. We have to take care of ourselves and not allow our disordered family members to drag us down into their abyss as much as we can.

For me, personally, I will do whatever I can to get DD on the right path. But once she turns 18, it's my way or the highway and that will be when the apron strings WILL be cut.

PS: I'm so sorry that I didn't respond to your intro. post. Was so preoccuppied with the issues with my DD that I didn't see it until today. My thoughts and prayers are with you not only with your DD, but with your own health issues. 

[Stella1425]

Reading posts from those of you with teens I am reminded of those days. Although I am heartsick and scared for my D and my GS, it is way more overwhelming, I feel, for you. It was well after those days I went on lexapro and ironically just got off in December, 6 years later. I don't necessarily recommend meds but you really do need to take care of yourself. I didn't know about BPD back then and just felt insanity around me almost all the time. Hang in there and do take care of you and others in your life. Can't promise it will get better, but putting a name to it and thinking about doing some reading when you're able may help.   

[Elbry]

It is exhausting.  My DD really wears me down.  Part of it is she tries to wear me down to get her own way on things, and too often I am so exhausted I give in, which makes the vicious cycle worse.  I think most of it is the hyper-vigilance.  I am always watching, monitoring, assessing.  Yes, walking on eggshells. Waiting for the next incident, wondering how bad it will be, wondering when it's going to come.

Dear Autkpi, you are not alone    I have had 2 rounds of DBT myself and I learned SET.  But some days I am just too tired to use my skills.  Today is one of those days for me.  it's 8:47 a.m. and I am ready to go back to bed I am so stressed.

[co.jo]

And to be very truthful, I still have a challenging teen at home, nonBPD, and lots of times I feel too angry to want to use any techniques I've learned.

[peaceplease]

   Be kind to yourself.  It is okay to be tired !   We all have had those days!  I am glad that you are able to come here and come back and vent some more whenever you are up to it.

[mama72]

Thank you all, for the encouraging words. They were much needed today.

I am reading Valerie Porr's book and am just overwhelmed with the skills I need to develop. 1-because I am emotional drained. 2-because I am fearful I cannot utilize them, as they are very counterintuitive to my nature. 3-because I am nervous about getting my hopes up, just to have more disappointments and dysfunction.

DD comes back from her Dad's on Sunday, so I need to pull up my big girl pants and get to working on these tools. I still have much frustration and resentment for DD, so I do not want that to come through as I put these tools in action. Not sure I can be genuine and I guarantee she will see right through me if I'm not.

[Rapt Reader]

DD comes back from her Dad's on Sunday, so I need to pull up my big girl pants and get to working on these tools. I still have much frustration and resentment for DD, so I do not want that to come through as I put these tools in action. Not sure I can be genuine and I guarantee she will see right through me if I'm not.

I know the feeling, autkpi... . I've told this story about my D-I-L and my difficulty in learning how to deal with her (over and over, and I apologize   ). I, also, have read Valerie Porr's book (over and over, and it is my BPD Bible), and at first the information was overwhelming, and I didn't think I'd ever "get it" when it came to what she was suggesting I do. But, I've read the book twice now, and keep it nearby for reference for specific subjects and circumstances.

I didn't find this site because of my D-I-L (married to my younger, non-BPD son); I came here because my other, older son was diagnosed with BPD a year ago, and I needed to learn all I could about this disorder so I could communicate and deal with him better. Lo and behold, after reading all I could around here, I realized that the myriad of problems our family has been having ever since my younger (non-BPD) son got engaged to and married his beautiful, charismatic wife, were most likely due to her having--at the very least--High Functioning BPD behaviors. Since my BPD son's symptoms and behaviors are unlike hers in many ways (he is Low Functioning BPD), my D-I-L hit our family like a tsunami with issues that we've never had to deal with before within our little nuclear family. These issues were familiar to us--outside of the 4 of us--because of my (most likely) undiagnosed BPD Mother-In-Law.

There has been No Contact put in place with our family, many times, by D-I-L over the last 10 years. It always seemed like it came out of nowhere, for no reason at all. When my son, in his desperate attempt to support and keep peace with his wife, went along with it, it hurt even more. I always handled it in the "wrong" ways, and was never able to "fix" things in a timely manner. It was stressful, hurtful, confusing and frustrating for all of us in the family.

Once I found this site, the communication tools and techniques I learned about and used with my BPDson (who lives with us--and they worked!), I started using what I learned with my non-BPD son and my D-I-L. The thing that helped me the most, though, to deal with my own inner struggles with them was this Workshop: How do we become more empathetic to the pwBPD in our life. It was a turning point for me and my family.

Once I realized that I needed to take my own feelings out of my interactions with her, and I needed to get beneath the trauma and drama going on and validate the child in her that was driving her anger at us, I handled things with her differently. We were actually still in No Contact with her at the time I participated in that Workshop, but I was able to make things better. Today, several months later, we are still in contact with my non-BPD son and D-I-L, I get to see my new (and first!) grandchild regularly, and things are going well.

When you check out that Workshop you will get a more detailed idea of what my problems with her were, how I worked out in my head how to deal with her, and how things got better. If you find that you have the time to check this out before you see your daughter again on Sunday, I really do highly recommend you read it 

[pessim-optimist]

I am reading Valerie Porr's book and am just overwhelmed with the skills I need to develop. 1-because I am emotional drained. 2-because I am fearful I cannot utilize them, as they are very counterintuitive to my nature. 3-because I am nervous about getting my hopes up, just to have more disappointments and dysfunction.

Dear autkpi,

Have you ever watched a world-champion figure-skater and marveled at the beauty and grace of their movements?... .

At those glorious times we do not think about all the bruised knees and sore butts they suffered during all the diligent hours through years and years of training - practicing, practicing, practicing. I can imagine they were discouraged at times, worn out, maybe they wanted to give up at times.

Then, when they rested a bit, they got up, dusted themselves off - and there they went again.

Don't be too hard on yourself... . Just because you are now aware of all this new stuff - it doesn't mean you will be a completely different person the very next day.

It all takes time, and the best way is to take it little by little and encourage yourself whenever you master a little thing and make it part of your life, and the life of your DD. We sometimes call it baby steps, or TLCs (tiny little changes).

I still have much frustration and resentment for DD, so I do not want that to come through as I put these tools in action. Not sure I can be genuine and I guarantee she will see right through me if I'm not.

The workshop on Empathy can be really helpful in that... .

And beyond that: what tiny little change would you pick to start using from now on? What appeals to you the most, or what do you think would be the most helpful for your family right now?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[hopeangel]

Autkpi - I just wanted to you to know I relate to you as well!  I am getting quite good at the skills and validation and empathy are coming automatically now BUT when I am over-tired and/or unwell I just can't seem to do it, even to save myself.

I think a pwBPD can sense when we are not up to it and it makes them feel a little insecure which then triggers more behaviours, that seems how it is in my experience with dd anyway but at the end of the day we are HUMANS, just flesh and blood and yet we have been dealt the cards in life that require us to acquire a super-human inner strength to improve the lives of ourselves, our families and our very vulnerable pwBPD.

This tornado ravages and depletes us of our energy and spirit, the ONLY solution to this I have found is to retreat, be kind to yourself, don't allow guilt to undermine you further - its an illness and then just rise up again and do it, learn and learn and apply what you learn and life gets manageable (sometimes) and it puts you back in the driving seat again (sometimes).

This illness is frightening and full of contradictions, it is VERY difficult to remain calm and in control the whole time and you won't - nor will I because we are humans, however I know we will do our very best and that will be plenty, the pwBPD in our life is frightened, in pain and relying on us to do these things, we will feel inadequate and as if we are not doing enough at times but to me, the very fact we are all here shows we are the exact loving caring kind of parents a child with BPD needs.

We are just regular people who need to somehow find the strength of character to do what sometimes seems the impossible.

I love Valerie Porr's book it has been the most helpful for understanding what is happening to my dd and why.  I also love this board because i found it a lonely journey without the support of others just like me.

I hope you are feeling a little stronger now and taking good care of your own needs too. 

   

[mama72]

Thank you all for the kind and encouraging words. The support I have received here the last few weeks, has really helped me stay afloat. I don't feel as alone anymore.

I am finishing up Porr's book, and am hoping to put some of these skills in effect when my DD comes home tomorrow. We have been in an avoidance stage the past week, which I know has been painful for both of us (but not as painful as the fights and chaos). I must learn to let go of past hurts and deceptions, while still being cautious of what may come again. I am getting close to the Radical Acceptance, but not quite there. I have even pondered writing down all of the lies, pain, trauma that my DD has caused and burning the paper? Not sure this would help, but maybe?

I have a "fixer" mentality, I think we all do when it come to our child. I am a nurse, as well, which only feeds to this mentality. I cannot fix my daughter, I can just love her. I never thought it would be so hard to like her, though!

Again, thank you to all who responded to my vent. Bless all of you!

[co.jo]

I also found it useful to roleplay  , I used someone who didn't even know my daughter and it still helped, to practise using the skills. Really helped.

[Stella1425]

I can relate to your "fixer" mentality. I kept thinking "if I do this one more helpful (enabling?)step, things will be ok. But I did and they weren't. It's a horrible feeing to believe you can fix things with no positive results. I am exactly where you are this week, but my pwBPD is 30 and doesn't  live with me. I am worn out and heartsick. I'm also reading Valerie Porrs book so hopefully I'll feel different soon. One can hope!

[BioAdoptMom3]

I can so relate to you post!  I think we all can!  I haven't read the others here so these things may have already been suggested.  These are the things that have been helpful for me.

Call my or text my BFF when I get really down or frustrated

I do pray often - I know everyone may not be of this mindset, but it does help me.

I went to my doctor, talked with her and got a prescription for Effexor, as well as the lowest dose of Xanax.  I take the Effexor daily which helps me to calm down more quickly after a stressful moment or day and I only take the Xanax when I really need it.

I have found a support group for parents of mentally ill children.  It is sponsored by NAMI.  Do a Google for NAMI support groups in (near) hit__ and see what pops up.  I have been twice so far and I think it is going to be extremely helpful!

Get out and do something for yourself when you can - a pedicure, massage, walk around at the mall, go to the gym, ride your bike... . Exercise helps tremendously!

Seek out a therapist for yourself!  I have not done this yet, but if my support group is not enough that is next on my list!

[Pizzas123]

So many of us here experience the same things, the same feelings.  I am sad that others are going through what we are, but it is so comforting to be in a place where people understand.  My husband and I are "fixers", too.  But we don't seem to be able to make much of a difference in this situation.  Well meaning friends give advice, but their advice works on a child who is normal in their thinking and reasoning , not someone with BPD. They just don't understand, and that's where this site is so valuable, because people here DO understand.

From the advice here, I have learned to just help where I can, and realize that we can only do so much with a child suffering from this illness.

I also feel prayer has been such a comfort to me.  Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night panicked and worried about my daughter and her situation.  I pray for calmness, and it always helps me.

I've also discoverd Xanax, a godsend when I'm feeling extremely anxious... . even my husband takes it occasionally!      And I've learned to try and take things day by day, which is NOT me, typically, but that helps, too.  I feel for you autkpi, it's okay to just feel tired sometimes.  Hang in there.

[theplotthickens]

It may be that Valerie's book is not a good fit for you at this point in time!  If it is adding to your stress, put it down.

I'm not really the touchy feely type, and I don't agree with the almost religious acceptance of DBT principles as the "be all end all."  I am not into some of the Buddhist philosophy.

I found Randi Kreger's book "The Essential Guide to BPD" very helpful!  And encouraging.  Not overwhelming at all, and not as "touchy feely." 

If a book adds to the stress, it is not serving good purpose.  Try something else!  I also like "What Works for Bipolar Kids" as there are many ideas in there that emphasize what we CAN do as parents.  I think it would be good for children with BPD as well.  I hope you are feeling better today!