How do we become more empathetic to the pwBPD in our life?

Empathy is one of the main components of emotional intelligence.   Empathy is often confused with sympathy - but empathy it is distinctly different.  Empathy is the experience of understanding another person's condition from their perspective. You effectively place yourself in their shoes and feel what they are feeling. Seeing things from another person's perspective isn't simply understanding their point of view -- it extends to understanding, without disclaimers, why they feel their point of view is just and appropriate and honest.  Empathic people are skilled in placing themselves inside the shoes of others and seeing the world through another person’s perspective.
 
The problem most of us face with empathy isn’t the failure of understanding the importance of empathy  - it is a lack of knowing how - and a lack of discipline to see it through when it matters most.
 
The purpose of this workshop is to discuss the lessons we have all learned on our journey to be more empathetic with our family members and what we have found that works and what does not work.
 
To get us started, I'v listed some things we often need to do to effectively place ourselves inside the shoes of another and see the world through their perspective.
 

• Set Aside Personal Beliefs, Concerns and Agenda - Just for now, at least. Go into the conversation empty handed—with no personal expectations or goal of fixing anyone.  Be willing to have your mind and perspective changed. Your only agenda is listening and trying to understand the other’s point of view.

• Remove Ourselves / Gain Perspective - When you take things personally, you cannot separate yourself enough to feel the other person’s pain. Detach enough so that you are not in a emotionally heightened state— do not allowing the other person’s behavior to upset you or trigger you.

• Be Present/ Be an Active Listener - Listen to the person in the moment, truly utilizing the skills of actively listening.  :)on't jump ahead, re-frame what they are saying and compare it to a personal experience you had, don't rush to project ahead, or to frame a response.  When we do this we completely lose sight of the reason of our conversation in the first place, sharing information as a means to build, maintain and sustain the relationship.

• Getting Beyond the Facts / Relate - When the other person begins to share, focus on their feelings.  Think of situations that you’ve experienced in the past that are similar.  Just think about this - connect with it - don't share it.  This will deepen your emotional insight into the other person’s plight.

• Talk to the Person's Inner-Child - When we visualize our pwBPD as their vulnerable inner-child we can lower and lessen our defenses, which will then allow us to want to preserve the relationship and communicate in an effective way.

• See Empathy as a Lifestyle, Not an Event -  Make an effort to heal the past hurts, to remember to accentuate the positive, and to nurture the relationship on a daily basis.  Most importantly, be mindful that when we are angry we can do a lot of damage and set things way back.

We look forward to everyone's comments.  Please remember, this is a workshop - we are here to discuss concepts - not personal matters- please limit personal comments to examples to clarify your points.

Please see video: Listen with Empathy - A Powerful Life Skill

As understanding creates intellectual closeness, I believe that empathy is a gateway to emotional closeness.

For some reason, we are born with the desire to be known AND accepted by others. If that happens on the intellectual level, great. If that happens on an emotional level, it is deeply satisfying.

PwBPD often feels alone (not connected), misunderstood (intellectual disconnect), and invalidated (emotional disconnect). Furthermore - they fear intimacy, because they fear that if we really knew them, we would abandon them.

What better gift can we give them (or anyone else for that matter), than to empathize - connect on the emotional level in an accepting manner?

However it is such a difficult task, because we ourselves have to have the extra capacity to leave ourselves behind and to focus on the other person... .That doesn't happen if our capacity is taxed by conflict, troubles, stressed, unhealthiness.

I like this. I don't think I deny my own feelings as much as ignore them... .and I suspect that pattern goes back through most of my life.

I don't see myself as someone with a huge store of empathy for others.


Hmm... .I think I've done this one a bunch of times, often not noticing how I'm switching the focus back to myself.

Thanks for giving me stuff to think about folks!

I think one of the biggest hurdles is the endless nature of it. The feeling that I am burying my own reality in order to keep the peace wit my wife.

First of all to be successful you have to actually mean it. You need to be genuinely interested in their world. To act empathy only sets you up for a fall when you can't maintain the act and it just become patronizing.

Being empathetic to a Disordered partner is a lot different to the average person, an acquaintance, or even other members on this site. As it can be all day and everyday in some cases, in all areas from small issues to large issues. Even with best intentions you can stop listening and run dry. A facade of empathy will not last long at all, and you will become inconsistant

This often means before you can be successful at this you need to have worked on yourself first, feel good in yourself, know your own truth so that you dont feel it is being buried. Not be afraid to clearly state you are not up to discussing something if you are not.

This ties in with a subject I have been thinking about recently, and that is respect. Do you really respect your partner? Respect cant be bought by words or gifts. It is earned by moral standards and a willingness to put yourself out for others without personal gain. Both of these virtues are often missing for pwBPD.

If you don't have that deep respect, it becomes difficult to maintain the desire to be genuinely empathetic in a continuous way. Maintaining empathy for someone you respect is a lot easier than feeling empathy for someone you feel like you are just doing your duty of caring for, let alone if you are simply doing it keep the peace.

So if you can learn to respect your partner, and you will have to deal with your own baggage and acceptance skills first, then you will be in a far better place to provide genuine and effective empathy.

Empathy is not about you, even if they are talking about you. It is about their feelings. Do not try to bandwaggon on their issues with a whole lot of "me too" then hijacking the discussion onto your experiences in a misguided attempt to make them not feel alone.  The empathy then just becomes an intro link to you stealing center stage. Very invalidating.

It is interesting that the architects of the DSM 5 recommended that a personality disorder be diagnosed when a person has diminished skills in two of the following -- either "empathy or intimacy" and either "identity or self direction".
 
The words they use to rate impaired empathy are telling (each one is part of  rating):
 

• See others as controling

• Excessively self-referential

• Unawareness of effect of own behavior on others

• Unable to consider alternative perspectives

• Threatened by differences of opinion

• Bewildered about peoples’ thoughts

• Destructive motivations frequently misattributed to others

It might be eye opening to see how family members score you (and each other) using this scale.
 
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DSM 5 Empathy Assessment Levels
 
Healthy (0) Capable of accurately understanding others’ experiences and motivations in most situations. Comprehends and appreciates others’ perspectives, even if disagreeing. Is aware of the effect of own actions on others.
 
Mild impairment (1) Somewhat compromised in ability to appreciate and understand others’ experiences; may tend to see others as having unreasonable expectations or a wish for control. Although capable of considering and understanding different perspectives, resists doing so. Inconsistent is awareness of effect of own behavior on others.
 
Impaired (2) Hyper-attuned to the experience of others, but only with respect to perceived relevance to self. Excessively self-referential; significantly compromised ability to appreciate and understand others’ experiences and to consider alternative perspectives. Generally unaware of or unconcerned about effect of own behavior on others, or unrealistic appraisal of own effect.
 
Very Impaired (3) Ability to consider and understand the thoughts, feelings and behavior of other people is significantly limited; may discern very specific aspects of others’ experience, particularly vulnerabilities and suffering. Generally unable to consider alternative perspectives; highly threatened by differences of opinion or alternative viewpoints. Confusion or unawareness of impact of own actions on others; often bewildered about peoples’ thoughts and actions, with destructive motivations frequently misattributed to others.
 
Extreme Impairment (4) Pronounced inability to consider and understand others’ experience and motivation. Attention to others' perspectives virtually absent (attention is hypervigilant, focused on need-fulfillment and harm avoidance). Social interactions can be confusing and disorienting.

I am wondering if it is easier to feel empathy for BPD child? Do you think when that child grows into an adult we have less ability to feel empathy?

Empathy is basically "listening and hearing" skill.

In reading on this site for a few years, there is are two discussions that reoccur quite frequently regarding empathy.

The first one goes like this "the pwBPD in my life has no empathy - how can they be like that with someone they supposedly love". Sometimes it's a bit more colorful with words like selfish, evil, psychopath, vampire, etc.  

The second one is "Should we be empathetic? I'm the one that needs the empathy! Why should I... .".

If being empathic is a primary measure of emotional intelligence and lack of empathy is one of the 4 criteria proposed by the DSM architects to be used as a screen for personality disorders, what does this say about us?  I'm not asking this rhetorically or suggesting that there is a universal answer - I don't think there is.  I'm am suggesting that this might be a good question to ask ourselves.

Scotty Peck does a good job of conveying the feelings that could motivate us to be empathetic... .



   Click on arrowhead to play

Letting go of our own self-centeredness is a prerequisite to being open to true empathy

I think once you have achieved a high degree of Acceptance, and by that I don't mean of them but of your own shortfalls and accepting that you are not perfect and ok with that, then is easier to let go of your defensiveness and listen.

How do we protect ourselves in the face of our grown child's rage projecting all their pain and distress onto us? While at the same time they are desperately reaching out for us to rescue them from this very pain and distress. Guilt and depression hit us unless we can shield self from this assault.

I just realized this is the partner board:undecided. Well my BPDDD27 is in many ways a 'partner', and I am searching my soul with the question of choosing my path - as in the sidebar.


As a parent, there is a deeper biological layer to this acceptance. A big part of being the parent is guiding, modeling, teaching... . When our child is so distressed it is so easy to take it on ourselves from a very deep, unconscious place. Finding a path of awareness - what is mine and what is my child's - has to come before the work of acceptance can really take hold. And it is one of those life processes that never really 'gets there'.

It is so important to build support around me for those times when I cannot care for my self - where I can reach out for reassurance that I am OK. It is so easy to become isolated. I also have to accept that I will need others support, I cannot do this on  my own. I need others to be empathetic/validating to meet my needs too. And I cannot look to my pwBPD to be involved in this. My support network is there to help me with this.

Choosing a Path -- this is a powerful step to becoming a person with the capacity to be empathetic in the face of a raging, blaming pwBPD that I love.

qcr

I appreciate this workshop.  I believe practicing empathy requires compassion and imagination.  I agree with others who stated empathy is best practiced when we are emotionally healthy or in a positive space.  For me, without such a foundation, it is very difficult to experience empathy, as I am too involved in my own emotional turmoil. 

Active listening helps with empathy, which may involve asking validating questions to better understand the individual at hand.

But how can we really know what someone else is feeling?  I don't think we can, but we can sometimes get very close.  This is where imagination can help.  I also feel that some people have a stronger innate sense for what others might be feeling/experiencing.  Or possibly this sense was partially learned in an environment that called for empathy when the person was young.  Compassion ties in to this for me.

It helps me to understand that all humans undergo suffering, thus we are all equal on that playing field and so can understand each other on those terms.

It is one thing to be genuinely empathetic and validating of our BPDs, and I most certainly have done so with my BPDw and with everyone in my life as long as I have lived. What I am finding is resistance due to my BPDw's desire not to be close. She stays away, involves herself with this and that, and will be verbally abusive. So, the questions I wish to pose are the following: how do we do remain being empathetic to and validating of the BPD who continuously wishes to be away from empathy and validating? How do we remain when they stay away? How do we remain when there is obvious verbal abuse? You may say not to take it personally. Yet, when is it time to leave when there is resistance?

I don't think I can be truly empathetic before I am consistently selfish.

I am happy to report that this is working. Now. In real time for me! I had the opportunity to put these rules in place on Saturday night, during a (what could have been a very contentious) phone call with my non-Son34 & his uBPDWife. And then again today, when I was able to reach out to my uDIL in the correct way, with the result being a rational, friendly email back.

As mentioned up-thread, I've had a hard time communicating with them when the issues being discussed are my supposed "betrayals" or slights against them. I've always retreated from the discussion after absorbing their complaints and feeling guilty for my misdeeds. When my Son34 (on speakerphone with DIL in background) called me Saturday night about plans to visit with them next weekend, the conversation digressed (yet again) to the issues they need to "hash out" with me--going back years and most recently, months. I have always reacted in fear and frustration over that; I don't like to dwell on anyone's dealings with me that might have hurt me in the past, once I've forgiven them, and actually resent others holding my past over me.

Saturday night I remembered this Workshop, and detached enough from my feelings, and I listened. Really listened to their complaints. I validated their feelings, used S.E.T. to gently let them know the situations that hurt them from my own vantage point, and continued to validate. For almost an hour. With a visit coming up with them this coming weekend, I knew I had to contact my DIL somehow first; all of the actual hurt feelings are hers. I listened so well on that phone call, that I heard my Son say many times in many different ways, that it is his Wife with the anger, pain and hurt feelings. Obviously; I should have always realized that. He is not BPD; he is trying with all of his good heart to help his wife find peace and happiness in her pain.

Last night I had the epiphany... .I had to take my own self and feelings and truth out of this situation, and contact my DIL as I would a poster on this site. I needed to validate her feelings, support her in her pain, and offer myself as a sounding board. So, this morning I emailed her, using my intense listening revelations of that phone call to realize what her inner child has been crying for. I looked at her complaints about me as I would a poster on this site; the "Mother-In-Law" in the equation wasn't me, but some source of angst for her that I needed to understand and offer comfort for.

I actually never mentioned any of the complaints in this morning's email, I just used them as a basis for my compassion. And, in the end, my realization in all of this drama is that she is mostly lonely, overwhelmed with a new baby, and feeling abandoned by my son who has to work 70 hours per week, and by me, as family who lives too far away to help her out. As a former stay-at-home-mom myself, I commiserated with how she was feeling, offered myself as part of her continuous support system (we both have avoided phone calls and emails in the past due to this pain she's attached to me for so long), and then even suggested that we put aside some time this weekend for her to tell me how she feels about the issues she has with me.

I promised to listen to her, understand her feelings, and suggested we get past this and have a better relationship from now on. Prior to this email this morning, I would never actually willingly offer to make a specific time to actually talk about her complaints about me (I find them skewed and unreasonable), and I like to avoid confrontation at all costs. But, because of this Workshop, I realized that this will need to be the way I deal with her forever; I can't hide from her and just hope her behaviors will go away someday, so I will have to face her and risk this coming conversation.

And you know what? I expected either no email back from her, or maybe something that would lash out and list every single supposed slight from the last 10 years (this is a recurring thing). And I was OK with that; I planned on detaching from it, and using the same techniques I used in the phone call and email, and I knew I would live through it. Well, she emailed back:

"Thank you for reaching out to me... .[insert several lines of chit chat here]

I agree it would be great to chat and clear the air a bit... .Let's try to find a moment this weekend.

Have a great week, and drive safely on Saturday!

Love, DIL"  

And I will be able to have that chat, now, and I will be empathetic in a way I never could before. I see her as a person in pain who needs my compassion, understanding, love and support--not someone who is attacking me for crazy reasons that make me feel guilty and horrible. I see her as someone I could reply to and listen to on this site. I truly never thought I could do that before. I am amazed... .

I have thought about how empathy fits in with the other tools.

1. How empathy can help with other tools:

Others mentioned dysregulation and rages - in these occasions we may have to disengage and take a time-out.

However, using empathy in this case helps us understand what is going on with that person, and we have a better chance of disengaging with compassion.

I am not sure if this qualifies as speaking to their inner-child - but for me personally it helps if I imagine the pwBPD as a toddler in distress (angry, sad, or scared - and screaming their head off). It then allows me to go into a different mode - focusing on what approach will be helpful and effective.

2. How other tools can help us be more empathetic:

When I learned more about the disorder, and the ways of BPD thinking, it helped me understand better what is going on.

That in turn helps with tunning-in to the person, listening to their experience with detachment, rather than focusing on their actual words of accusation (which may be inaccurate, or a manifestation of another issue that they are dealing with). I can look at their world and focus on what's going on with them - their experience. It has nothing to do with me (for the moment). It frees me to be more empathetic.