Considering to break NC

[GuiltHaunted]

This is my first post on the undecided board. I posted a lot on the detachment board, but detachment is not what I want, even if I don't have to power to make that call.

To sum up very briefly. I was in a 4 year R/S with I girl that I suspect is BPD. To keep it brief here just a few indications: At 23 when I met her, she had been in 10 years therapy, 7 years on anti-depressants and one time committed to a mental institution for a few weeks. She never had an official diagnosis, at least not that she disclosed to me. She didn't receive any treatment during our R/S and stopped with anti-depressants 1 year into the R/S. After 1 1/2 year it became a LDR for 2 years due to our work. And the last 6 month we lived together in the house of her father (what should have been a transition while sorting out our work situation and moving together on our own). Her father died from a heart attack and she distanced herself from me and eventually broke up with me. She immediately replaced me with the exbf of her sister.

That's close to one year ago. I didn't have contact with her since xmas, when I asked her not to contact me again, after a long period of friendly LC.

I still miss her immensely and do not want to detach. And hence, have no success trying.

I know I might I might be falling for "7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard", but I am considering to break NC and write her the following:

Hello uBPDexgf,

I know that I told that I didn’t want to have contact with you anymore. However, that is not what I wanted or want. I am sorry if you got the feeling that I am mad at you or hate you. I’m not mad, I don’t hate you. At the time it was all too much for me, and didn’t have anything to do with you.

I spent the last few month educating myself about a lot of stuff. I have been particularly interested in psychology. I though about a lot of things. About you, about me and why we treated each other the way we did. Over a lot of things you told me through the years. From self-fulfilling prophecies to ADHD/BPD etc. Why you told me those things, and why I reacted the way I did. Often I didn’t take your feelings serious. It’s not because I didn’t take YOU serious or didn’t respect you. It’s rather because of my own lack of knowledge and insecurities. And I am working on that, I want to be better. I want to be more open and better at noticing, perceive and understand the feelings of other people.

I think I finally understand you and how you felt. I think I know what you have to fight with everyday. And I want to help you and would like to get help from you as well. I’m looking for a purpose with everything that happened and wish that we can help each other both to become better people.

There is no blame or judgement about the past. I don’t judge you, I never did and I never will. We all do what we think is right in the moment, and we do our best with the basis that we have.

I would be happy to talk with you, if you would like as well.

Best wishes

GuiltHaunted

Toward the end of the R/S the son of her girlfriend was diagnosed ADHD, and she was convinced she was suffering from ADHD too. I dismissed that, and told her (as I had done through the whole R/S), that she was completely normal. Hence the reference to ADHD, and I purposefully wrote "/BPD" in there too. She is intelligent enough to either have a clue herself, or do some read up. I think I can mention it this way, as an "innocent mistake".

I would very much like to hear your opinion on the letter, and if it's a wise idea at all to break NC. Or if you think I should force myself to keep trying to detach.

Thank you for reading.

[GuiltHaunted]

Thank god I posted, that letter here first. Even if no one replied, which I understand. Upon reading it again, here several hours later, I realize it would probably make her think that I am nuts, and why I offer her any help... . She might not be at a place where she even feels she need any help at the moment. She may have forgotten all about her research into ADHD, which is now close to 1 1/2 years ago.

If I want to contact her, I need another approach. Even with no replies, bpdfamily helps out! 

[spicelover]

Hey GH,

It's funny how reading back things you've written you can answer your own question sometimes

I've written a bunch of letters like this to my uBPDexgf as well, usually with no reply or something countering everything I've said, which is pretty hurtful.  In fact, I went through the whole please don't contact me thing a week ago, then broke that myself which I'm so annoyed at myself that I did.

I don't know how to approach them either, but I guess everyone is an individual and might handle it differently.  Do you think seeing her in person expressing yourself might help?  Is that possible?  How is she behaving towards you?  Are you friendly enough towards each other?

Spice

[spicelover]

Hey GH, I just read your story.  Wow I can relate to a hell of a lot of it.  But one of your posts I thought I'd remind you of

I have spent the last two weeks reading about borderline, and with every AHA! experience I feel more and more detached and determined never to engage with a pwBPD again. So I study it just as much to:

a) detach myself from her

b) prepare if she resumes contact (I am probably the one that could help her the most now, paradoxically)

c) know what signs and Red Flag 's to look for in the beginning of future relationships - as I understand guys like me are apparently repeat offenders.  cheesy

[GuiltHaunted]

Hey Spice,

Thank you for reading my story! 

Her behavior has changed over the time. To give some examples:

Immediately after I moved out, I went NC for almost 1 1/2 months. I didn't do it consciously, but everyone told me to give her space (probably a good move with a non, and a bad move with a pwBPD). I didn't know for sure about my replacement. That resulted in a rage attack, calling me the worst person she ever met (and a lot of other stuff!), that I didn't care about her, that I moved on too quickly, that I never called her. Actually she did all that stuff, so I guess that would be projection.

I then confessed how awful I felt and sent her a lot of diary entries I had written as "proof", that she was wrong. She then changed to be sweet, but firm that we were not going to be together again.

In the next 1 1/2 months I saw her twice, to pick up my stuff. First time I was there, it was just me and her. And she was distant/cold. Second time I picked up my furniture and there were a lot of people to help. She was very friendly. We held hands for like 5 minutes at a point we were alone, but she had this distant facial expression, like she was not there, didn't want to look me in the eyes. Still she wrote me later if I made it home well and got my stuff unpacked.

After that the was weekly friendly contact per phone. Until I told her that I knew who my replacement was (her sisters exbf). I didn't judge her or anything, I just told her that I knew, and I though it would be better for our communication that she didn't have to hide it. That led to a rage the next day, and that she requested never to contact again.

1 1/2 months later. She wrote me out of the blue (like she never asked for NC), how I was doing and a letter had arrived for me. I waited more than a month before answering, because it confused me so much. And I never answered about the letter. Instead I wrote her that I had been in a restaurant where we used to go a lot, and that it had caused me to think of how she was doing.

Friendly contact followed, over 2-3 weeks. Sometime with daily chat messages. Sometimes in the middle of the night. Over some days she didn't answer, and was almost apologetic that she had gotten a new phone and didn't have whatsapp installed to see my message. After she had requested NC, I blocked her on Facebook, and she would repeatedly ask if I left FB (i.e. she was checking my FB previously, even though we were not friends, since I deleted her after the breakup).

The the writing stopped from her side, and again a few weeks of NC. Until I called her in the beginning of December. The reason she stopped writing was that I had apparently written something where she had been thinking "what is that idiot talking about" (something about one of her health problems). During this hour long conversation, I asked her if she was happy and her reply was "very happy" and towards the end I told her I would like to see her, and she didn't reply to that. She wished me merry xmas and I though I wouldn't hear from her again.

Xmas, in the middle of the night I got a message again with a xmas and ny greeting. It was personalized (partly in my language) and not some generic she had sent to a lot of people. I was confused again, so I wrote her a long e-mail how I felt. That I was confused why she would write me in the middle of the night and that I was still open for a relationship with her. Her reply "call me, we need to talk".

I did call her and was met with "I thought everything was ok, for me everything is ok", and we talked for 10 mins with me doing the most of the talking and opening up to her, without any reciprocation. So in the end of the conversation anger possessed me and I told never ever to contact me again in any way.

I joined here a few weeks later and posted what you quoted above. I have since done a lot of reading up on BPD. I have maintained NC since then (4 months now).

I have been trying to detach, but deep down, that is not what I want and hence it's not working. I think about her all the time.

The reason I am considering to break NC now, I outlined in this post:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=223897.0