how to be 100% done

[tango1492]

I can't seem to let go. My family and friends say that I should literally look at it as a death- my break up with my ex. We've been apart 9 months and NC for 3. I still fantasize every single day that he'll come around at some point. If it was an actual death, I wouldn't be able to maintain a fantasy that we might one day reunite. I can act normal on the outside, but no matter what I do, there is still that part of me on the inside where no one can see, that hopes he'll come back. He lives 1000 miles away, but I know he wants to be back in his home state where I am. And if he moves back here... . maybe there is a chance. At least that's what my fantasy tells me. How does one get to that place of finally just being done? Like where it would not matter if he came back or not... . because I know inside myself I'd never go back. I'm simply not there.

[coolioqq]

I can't seem to let go. My family and friends say that I should literally look at it as a death- my break up with my ex. We've been apart 9 months and NC for 3. I still fantasize every single day that he'll come around at some point. If it was an actual death, I wouldn't be able to maintain a fantasy that we might one day reunite. I can act normal on the outside, but no matter what I do, there is still that part of me on the inside where no one can see, that hopes he'll come back. He lives 1000 miles away, but I know he wants to be back in his home state where I am. And if he moves back here... . maybe there is a chance. At least that's what my fantasy tells me. How does one get to that place of finally just being done? Like where it would not matter if he came back or not... . because I know inside myself I'd never go back. I'm simply not there.

It's very very hard to let go . I don't think there's one person on this board that found it easy... .

Let me push you into what I think is the right direction here, though... . Maybe there is a chance of what? Recycling? Going down the same path? Do you really want that? Only you know the answer... . But, I don't think anyone on the Leaving board wants to go back to the same thing... .

How do we let go? How do we go to that place of "it never happened." That, in itself, is impossible. But, letting go is possible. Not only possible but certain and necessary! This is what I came up with every time she crosses my mind and I want to go back (even though I broke it off) to her (and she'd take me back - she is snooping on me... . ):

1) Is she the person that originally presented to me? Is she even close? Ok, if she is not even close, is she acceptably remotely close?

Uhm, no... .

2) Does she love me? How exactly did she express whatever feelings she had for me?

We went through some phases there: a) she's not sure, needs time -> b) she loves me -> c) she has "strong" feelings for me but doesn't know if it's love (nevermind declaration b)) -> NC starts -> c) she "thinks she loves me" -> NC continues -> d) she loves me in the "by the way" lip-service kind of way -> NC continues -> she doesn't even talk about whether she loves me; the most important thing is whether I love her, and she questions it since I am NC... .

I made sure all along to let her know, from the bottom of my heart, of my feelings. As she was delivering her "I'm not sure what these strong feelings are" speech in a very cold and distant way, I was crying telling her that on my end it's love. I could see that she didn't give a f* about reciprocating... . Only my feelings for her (and everything else that she was getting along with that) were important.

3) Do I deserve someone who has no idea whether she loves me (I don't want to say that she does or doesn't because, with her BPD, I can believe her that she doesn't know), who will not even have to try to be the hardest burden in my life in every possible way (I was aware of this and would accept if I knew she loved me - fool that I am... . ), and someone so lying, manipulative and tactful that planned a "confession" not as something done out of honesty, but as a means of (in her ill mind) showing that there is trust between us (she betrayed it in every way she could... . ):

No, I do not deserve that.

It is working quite well so far, and I am detaching. I've been doing this very difficult thing (not for everyone - probably not for anyone). I look at her pic about once a day, being mindful of what it makes me feel. Surprisingly, the attachment is decreasing. Attraction is fading - although still present because I subconsciously attached her face to the person that she constructed for me... . But, I notice things that I didn't notice before. The slight (and dishonest) smirk. A sense of chaos in her life that comes out of that picture. And, last but not least, a woman that grabbed my heart out on the day before NC started, smashed it against the asphalt, and stepped on it to finish me... .

After all of this above, it becomes a lot easier to carry on with detachment. Don't forget that addressing our own faults is an important and necessary part too. It's not all her fault, I've been fixing myself as well!

[AwakenedOne]

tango1492,

How to let go? For me... . the key is the words at the left hand top of our screen bpdfamily.com. The facts with my ex... . there is a lot I could say but I don't want to dwell on her at the moment and be sick, I just ate dinner.  The key fact is she does not care about me whatsoever. I was married to my uBPDstbxW 4 years. Now NC for 8 months. Maybe make a list of the cold hard facts about him, really give some thought to whether that is what you deserve in life. If not, face the sad reality of those facts and then develop a technique to apply your decision of it being over or your going to wait for him. I don't look at a picture a day like coolioqq but that is an interesting technique and it works well for him though. Find what works for you. I have a moment or two a day when a memory or thought comes up about my ex and then I turn on the facing the facts part of my brain, the part where -> she ultimately doesn't care. Our nice time at the mountains or walk in the park means nothing really. She tossed me like trash.

I understand and am sorry your going through this, hang in there.

AO

[AwakenedOne]

It's very very hard to let go . I don't think there's one person on this board that found it easy... .

Let me push you into what I think is the right direction here, though... . Maybe there is a chance of what? Recycling? Going down the same path? Do you really want that? Only you know the answer... . But, I don't think anyone on the Leaving board wants to go back to the same thing... .

How do we let go? How do we go to that place of "it never happened." That, in itself, is impossible. But, letting go is possible. Not only possible but certain and necessary! This is what I came up with every time she crosses my mind and I want to go back (even though I broke it off) to her (and she'd take me back - she is snooping on me... . ):

1) Is she the person that originally presented to me? Is she even close? Ok, if she is not even close, is she acceptably remotely close?

Uhm, no... .

2) Does she love me? How exactly did she express whatever feelings she had for me?

We went through some phases there: a) she's not sure, needs time -> b) she loves me -> c) she has "strong" feelings for me but doesn't know if it's love (nevermind declaration b)) -> NC starts -> c) she "thinks she loves me" -> NC continues -> d) she loves me in the "by the way" lip-service kind of way -> NC continues -> she doesn't even talk about whether she loves me; the most important thing is whether I love her, and she questions it since I am NC... .

I made sure all along to let her know, from the bottom of my heart, of my feelings. As she was delivering her "I'm not sure what these strong feelings are" speech in a very cold and distant way, I was crying telling her that on my end it's love. I could see that she didn't give a f* about reciprocating... . Only my feelings for her (and everything else that she was getting along with that) were important.

3) Do I deserve someone who has no idea whether she loves me (I don't want to say that she does or doesn't because, with her BPD, I can believe her that she doesn't know), who will not even have to try to be the hardest burden in my life in every possible way (I was aware of this and would accept if I knew she loved me - fool that I am... . ), and someone so lying, manipulative and tactful that planned a "confession" not as something done out of honesty, but as a means of (in her ill mind) showing that there is trust between us (she betrayed it in every way she could... . ):

No, I do not deserve that.

It is working quite well so far, and I am detaching. I've been doing this very difficult thing (not for everyone - probably not for anyone). I look at her pic about once a day, being mindful of what it makes me feel. Surprisingly, the attachment is decreasing. Attraction is fading - although still present because I subconsciously attached her face to the person that she constructed for me... . But, I notice things that I didn't notice before. The slight (and dishonest) smirk. A sense of chaos in her life that comes out of that picture. And, last but not least, a woman that grabbed my heart out on the day before NC started, smashed it against the asphalt, and stepped on it to finish me... .

After all of this above, it becomes a lot easier to carry on with detachment. Don't forget that addressing our own faults is an important and necessary part too. It's not all her fault, I've been fixing myself as well!

coolioqq,

I really like what you posted. Very insightful.

AO

[heartandwhole]

Hi tango1492,

It is really hard to let go, and I do understand that flame of hope that lingers.  I went through it, too.  I remember my T not being very supportive when I said that I was hoping to work things out with him.  She said she wanted more for me, and I'm grateful I listened to her.  Fantasizing about another chance with him was easier for me than feeling my feelings and dealing with my core issues.

Well, you probably know what I'm going to suggest, because the tools work.  Do you see your progress in the stages to the right? ---->   

To have a relationship that is different from before, both of you would have to change, and it would require therapy and a deep commitment. Has he shown you that he is ready to commit to working on these big issues with you?  Are you willing?

The 10 beliefs are reminders that have really helped me when I feel stuck.

You'll get through this tango.    We're cheering you on.

heartandwhole

[seeking balance]

I can't seem to let go. My family and friends say that I should literally look at it as a death- my break up with my ex.

This is true, it is a death - so, let's be really honest now... . if your partner died you would not be expected to be 100% over it in 3 months or even 9 months.  Trauma and Grief take time to process.

If it was an actual death, I wouldn't be able to maintain a fantasy that we might one day reunite.

No, but you would have the "what if" fantasy.  This bargaining phase is a normal part of grief - how you handle it is the key.  Feel the feelings, but focus on the facts when you ruminate here.  H&W have you very good advice, refer to the 10 beliefs when you get stuck to work through it.

I can act normal on the outside, but no matter what I do, there is still that part of me on the inside where no one can see, that hopes he'll come back. He lives 1000 miles away, but I know he wants to be back in his home state where I am. And if he moves back here... . maybe there is a chance. At least that's what my fantasy tells me. How does one get to that place of finally just being done? Like where it would not matter if he came back or not... . because I know inside myself I'd never go back. I'm simply not there.

Everyone fakes it - it is called functioning in the real world - go easy on yourself.

Radical Acceptance - you are where you are - which is grieving.  You are very hurt, be kind to yourself as you grieve.  One of my best friend's husband tragically died at the same time my ex moved out and I filed for divorce... . I can tell you for a fact - the grief is the same and nobody expected my friend to be "over" it in a year or even 2 - it takes time to grieve a loss and sometimes we fake it for a while - then one day you realized there were hours you didn't fake, there was peace.  It will get better with time.

Be Gentle with YOU right now.

Peace,

SB