was this a good decision

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My ex texted me today 2 hrs before my visitation time to tell me she took my daughter to the dr because she was sick. she had a fever a very bad cough and needed some breathing treatments. I told my ex that I was capable of caring for my daughter while she was with me so my ex had the dr call me. the dr said that she was concerned about possible pneumonia and advised me that my daughter shouldn't travel from house to house for 48 hrs.

I told my ex that I would skip todays visitation to let her rest and let the antibiotics work and see how she is tomorrow, I told her that I would come by and see how she was at the time for my visitation and if she was still real sick I could at least see her for a few min and leave. Well my ex had a meltdown saying that she will not let me see my daughter if I come by because she has a drs recommendation saying that she should stay in her care for the next 48 hrs. I explained to my ex that a drs recommendation doesn't override a court order and the dr doesn't have the final say.

my ex said that I would have to take her back to court over this. I told her that I would be by to see my daughter at the time for my visitation if nothing more then to see her for a few min.

In a normal situation I would be more flexible about this but she has trying any and all ways to interfere with visitation times.

my plan is to go and try and see my daughter and if my ex wont let me see her I can document it.

Is this a good idea?

If she doesn't let me see her should I call the police to document it as well?

on a side note im getting a different lawyer because im not happy with the one I had . she is to passive and isn't capable of dealing with this type of situation     

[Eco]

My ex texted me today 2 hrs before my visitation time to tell me she took my daughter to the dr because she was sick. she had a fever a very bad cough and needed some breathing treatments. I told my ex that I was capable of caring for my daughter while she was with me so my ex had the dr call me. the dr said that she was concerned about possible pneumonia and advised me that my daughter shouldn't travel from house to house for 48 hrs.

I told my ex that I would skip todays visitation to let her rest and let the antibiotics work and see how she is tomorrow, I told her that I would come by and see how she was at the time for my visitation and if she was still real sick I could at least see her for a few min and leave. Well my ex had a meltdown saying that she will not let me see my daughter if I come by because she has a drs recommendation saying that she should stay in her care for the next 48 hrs. I explained to my ex that a drs recommendation doesn't override a court order and the dr doesn't have the final say.

my ex said that I would have to take her back to court over this. I told her that I would be by to see my daughter at the time for my visitation if nothing more then to see her for a few min.

In a normal situation I would be more flexible about this but she has trying any and all ways to interfere with visitation times.

my plan is to go and try and see my daughter and if my ex wont let me see her I can document it.

Is this a good idea?

If she doesn't let me see her should I call the police to document it as well?

on a side note im getting a different lawyer because im not happy with the one I had . she is to passive and isn't capable of dealing with this type of situation     

[Unleashed]

Well, your visit will validate if the pneumonia is real.  Your visit might validate if the doctor's call was real, maybe your daughter might even volunteer info along the way.  One chance is that your BPD ex knows a nurse, etc. who gave advice, not really a paid doctor. I'd try to determine if it was a compensated doctor, and... . real doctors probably do not want to give custody advice to compromise their career.  I know one nurse who'd jump in the way to play though, they are out there.

Regarding calling the PD, well that varies by jurisdictional tendency and law, but calling them to interpret grey areas of custody is sort of low in likelihood that anything will occur; as in they are not custody specialists, and they refer grey areas to the courts.  Principle: I call the PD when there is a greater than 50% chance of favorable action. If action is unlikely then you are losing a point in the score with your BPD, really.

Pick your lawyer carefully, I really scored in that area, I knew the guy for a decade.  Maybe a divorce group locally can give you an idea of the lawyer pool. You do not get what you pay for in this industry; random picking = random results.

good luck,

[Nope]

I agree with Unleashed that I would check the source of the information. I feel like normally a Dr. would tell her to tell you to call them instead of the other way around.

It is best to document everything. It is also a wise choice to go to see her if only to show the court later that you were prepared to exercise your parenting time.

[ForeverDad]

the dr said that she was concerned about possible pneumonia and advised me that my daughter shouldn't travel from house to house for 48 hrs.

I would think that just about any doctor would be 'concerned' about chest congestion turning into pneumonia.  Of course advice about outcomes would be conservative.  Doesn't mean it will.  Is the weather that cold?  Would the vehicle be cold?  Did ex refuse to consider make up time or extending the length of the next visit?

Was any testing done?  Any prescriptions given?  If not then it's not That serious.

Does doctor know that your ex searches and invents ways to obstruct your parenting time?  That still might not make her change her standard advice  But remember that's all it is, general advice.  Now may not be the time to make a stand on principles, but weigh the factors.

Edit:  What is being subtly hinted though not spoken is that you can't care for your ill child.  Did the doctor actually see your child?  Then that means ex traveled outside the house with a sick child.  Did the doctor say if child became similarly ill when with you then you should avoid further travel, keep the child with you and refuse to make an exchange until your child was better?  Yeah, I thought not.

I guess you won't know if your ex refused until you actually went to the exchange location and the exchange failed.  Anything less and your ex would insist she didn't really refuse an exchange, that you agreed to less.

[Eco]

Regarding calling the PD, well that varies by jurisdictional tendency and law, but calling them to interpret grey areas of custody is sort of low in likelihood that anything will occur; as in they are not custody specialists, and they refer grey areas to the courts.  Principle: I call the PD when there is a greater than 50% chance of favorable action. If action is unlikely then you are losing a point in the score with your BPD, really.

yeah the police in my area (GA) don't get involved unless a argument breaks out or something of that nature , they recommended to bring a family member as a witness to the visitation refusal.

Pick your lawyer carefully, I really scored in that area, I knew the guy for a decade.  Maybe a divorce group locally can give you an idea of the lawyer pool. You do not get what you pay for in this industry; random picking = random results.

I'm looking at a few lawyers that specialize in these types of cases, problem for me is money im going to tap into my 401k for this.

It is best to document everything. It is also a wise choice to go to see her if only to show the court later that you were prepared to exercise your parenting time.

my thinking as well

I would think that just about any doctor would be 'concerned' about chest congestion turning into pneumonia.  Of course advice about outcomes would be conservative.  Doesn't mean it will.  Is the weather that cold?  Would the vehicle be cold?  Did ex refuse to consider make up time or extending the length of the next visit?

Was any testing done?  Any prescriptions given?  If not then it's not That serious.

no the weather isn't cold, yes she refuses any make up times. testing was done supposedly along with medication. my ex says that she has it in writing from the dr, I wanted to see this personally but was denied. Im looking into this now, I wont be able to talk to the dr till tomorrow.

Does doctor know that your ex searches and invents ways to obstruct your parenting time?  That still might not make her change her standard advice  But remember that's all it is, general advice.  Now may not be the time to make a stand on principles, but weigh the factors.

no, I plan on telling her when I talk to her. my ex is changing drs because she doesn't like this one. I plan on being at the new drs appointment to fill the dr in on everything.

I guess you won't know if your ex refused until you actually went to the exchange location and the exchange failed.  Anything less and your ex would insist she didn't really refuse an exchange, that you agreed to less.

 

yes I went today for that reason and she refused

[Eco]

so I went today for my visitation and to no surprise I was denied. I thought she would at least let me see her but nope. I have it all documented and I called the local PD (not 911) they advised me to bring a family member to witness and said they don't get involved unless it turns violent.

im calling tomorrow to talk to a few lawyers I have picked out. Im so frustrated and angry right now, this is the 3rd weekend in a row I've missed visitation my daughter hasn't seen her brother or grandmother in a month

[momtara]

It is possible that the doc did say she shouldn't travel if she is close to pneumonia.  She may need the nebulizer every 4 hours and it may just be easier to keep her environment consistent.  A lot of kids are sick right now where I live and it is possible that your wife is telling the truth.  But unfortunately, you can't know that because of so many other lies she tells.  And that's a problem.

In a normal situation, you would have been fine with this because it would have been a rare event.  So yes, what you did in this case is entirely appropriate in your situation.

The fact that your wife would not let you even see her is a problem.  The fact that it is the 3rd weekend in a row is a problem.  It is good that you are able to establish a pattern.  Maybe videotape and record since you can't get the police to come.  A witness is a good idea, even paying a PI just to come with you for an hour or something like that.

And yes, talk with the doc to make sure what happened was true (without seeming like a paranoid ex; just say you want to know more about the diagnosis and treament so you can help, not because you think wife is a liar.)

[Eco]

It is possible that the doc did say she shouldn't travel if she is close to pneumonia.  She may need the nebulizer every 4 hours and it may just be easier to keep her environment consistent.  A lot of kids are sick right now where I live and it is possible that your wife is telling the truth.  But unfortunately, you can't know that because of so many other lies she tells.  And that's a problem.

you are 100% correct momtara.  I'm sure my daughter is sick because she has had this same problem before and I could hear her in the background coughing. the thing is my visitation is only 4 hrs on sat and sun and I have given her breathing treatments before when she was a lot younger. the problem I have is my ex wont even let me see my daughter when she is sick, the thing I have to fight is her implying that I cant care for my daughter so every time my daughter gets sick my ex will try this tactic.

In a normal situation, you would have been fine with this because it would have been a rare event.  So yes, what you did in this case is entirely appropriate in your situation.

thank you, and you're right in a normal situation this would not even be a issue.

The fact that your wife would not let you even see her is a problem.  The fact that it is the 3rd weekend in a row is a problem.  It is good that you are able to establish a pattern.  Maybe videotape and record since you can't get the police to come.  A witness is a good idea, even paying a PI just to come with you for an hour or something like that

yes I was hoping to at least see her today.  I video taped it today and I have text messages of more of her craziness about it.

And yes, talk with the doc to make sure what happened was true (without seeming like a paranoid ex; just say you want to know more about the diagnosis and treatment so you can help, not because you think wife is a liar.)

thanks I will, I have to ask the dr what is exactly wrong because my ex wont give me specifics 

[momtara]

Courts like to see patterns rather than one incident, so by being consistent, you did the right thing.  And by handling it calmly.  There is no reason you couldn't see her.  If she was really really really sick she would have been in the hospital.

You're right, she'll use daughter being sick as an excuse every time. 

Texts are good evidence.  Print them out or download them just in case something happens to your phone.

I think you handled this perfectly.

[Eco]

Courts like to see patterns rather than one incident, so by being consistent, you did the right thing.  And by handling it calmly.  There is no reason you couldn't see her.  If she was really really really sick she would have been in the hospital.

You're right, she'll use daughter being sick as an excuse every time. 

Texts are good evidence.  Print them out or download them just in case something happens to your phone.

I think you handled this perfectly.

Thank you

[Eco]

So I talked to the dr today and it seems my daughter is very close to pneumonia and is being tested for whooping cough. I'm  very upset because I was very concerned 3 weeks ago about my daughter being sick with a croupy cough, she has had breathing treatments for this on 4 separate times and this seems to be a recurring problem. I tried talking to my ex about this and her answer was "kids get sick" and lectured me about how she takes care of my daughter just fine and doesn't need me insinuating that she isn't doing a good job taking care of her and me showing concern is a insult to her. luckily I have that confrontation on video as well.

I went to visitation today not to take my daughter anywhere but to try and see her but my ex refused again. I just documented it again.

will this refusal to let me see my daughter on my visitation time help my case or will my ex be able to slip through this using my daughter being sick as a excuse?

I made 2 appointments with lawyers tomorrow and Thursday for a free consultation. any questions I should ask concerning the contempt and me wanting to get custody?

[ForeverDad]

Your first challenge was to get legally recognized as a parent and thus having parental rights, even if minimal.  In your state that was a challenge since unwed mothers rule the day there.  Now that you have an order, you can highlight to the court that her obstruction of your parenting has continued.  Before there was an order, she was able to do pretty much whatever she wanted and without consequences.  It's different now, there is a court order and both of you are expected to obey it.  Yes, at first she will get only admonitions but eventually she will face consequences for obstruction.  If she's not wealthy, then court is not likely to fine her.  As a mother to a young child she's very unlikely to face jail time either.  Fines or jail may be legal threats but probably unlikely.  Your goal should be to demonstrate to the court that you're a normal, stable, good parent wanting as much parenting time and authority as possible.  Hopefully over time you'll get (baby step) improvements to your order.  It's a marathon, not a sprint.

In my case in 30 minutes my ex got a favorable temporary order with temp custody and majority time.  It took me several years to get that fixed and now I have custody and majority time.  Still, her current minority time is still much better than what I had those first two years.  Sadly, court is not about fairness and justice, it's about law, case law, policy, procedures and history.

Expect the lawyers to tell you that you can't get custody.  They may think you're exaggerating, not knowing you or her.  They'll warn you courts are reluctant to make major changes to parenting without good reason to do so.  They may tell you that the court will flat out refuse to make major changes.  Doesn't matter, your good behaviors and her obstructive behaviors ought to make at least some difference.  After all, some improvement is better than none, right?  Maybe not enough to get custody now, but there's nothing wrong to state you know you would do better if you had custody and substantial parenting time.  I recall how my Custody Evaluator summed up our evaluation... . "Mother cannot share 'her' child but father can.  If Shared Parenting is attempted and fails, then father should have custody."  My CE saw ability to share as very important.  Hopefully your professionals will too.

If she has other children by other fathers, it might be that (1) she can't maintain long term relationships or (2) she wants different fathers so she can get child support from every direction.  Hmm, does she work?

[Eco]

Your first challenge was to get legally recognized as a parent and thus having parental rights, even if minimal.  In your state that was a challenge since unwed mothers rule the day there.  Now that you have an order, you can highlight to the court that her obstruction of your parenting has continued.  Before there was an order, she was able to do pretty much whatever she wanted and without consequences.  It's different now, there is a court order and both of you are expected to obey it.  Yes, at first she will get only admonitions but eventually she will face consequences for obstruction.  If she's not wealthy, then court is not likely to fine her.  As a mother to a young child she's very unlikely to face jail time either.  Fines or jail may be legal threats but probably unlikely.  Your goal should be to demonstrate to the court that you're a normal, stable, good parent wanting as much parenting time and authority as possible.  Hopefully over time you'll get (baby step) improvements to your order.  It's a marathon, not a sprint

thanks F.D I needed some hope because after today I feel like everything I got from going to court was striped away, It feels like she still can do whatever she wants even with a court order.  I'm terrified she will destroy my relationship with my daughter by keeping me away so much. I'm trying to stay positive but I failed at doing that miserably today.

Expect the lawyers to tell you that you can't get custody.  They may think you're exaggerating, not knowing you or her.  They'll warn you courts are reluctant to make major changes to parenting without good reason to do so.  They may tell you that the court will flat out refuse to make major changes.  Doesn't matter, your good behaviors and her obstructive behaviors ought to make at least some difference.  After all, some improvement is better than none, right?  Maybe not enough to get custody now, but there's nothing wrong to state you know you would do better if you had custody and substantial parenting time.  I recall how my Custody Evaluator summed up our evaluation... . "Mother cannot share 'her' child but father can.  If Shared Parenting is attempted and fails, then father should have custody."  My CE saw ability to share as very important.  Hopefully your professionals will too.

True, I would gladly take any and all improvement. Im hoping the courts will see that she sees our daughter as hers and not ours . in all her texts she always says my daughter to me while I say our daughter, I even brought that up to her yesterday and reminded her that she is our daughter not just hers. she took that as me being controlling.

If she has other children by other fathers, it might be that (1) she can't maintain long term relationships or (2) she wants different fathers so she can get child support from every direction.  Hmm, does she work?

she has 3 kids with 3 different dads me being the 3rd. and its both 1 and 2 I think, she cant maintain any close relationship she has never made it past a year in one. with her first child she was married for less then a year with the end result of domestic violence and losing her child for 6 months to the father. she regained custody somehow and hasn't had any trouble since that was 8 yrs ago. she has only worked 2 days a week since I've known her, she plays the system very well

[momtara]

Her saying the daughter is sick is not a valid reason for you to not even be allowed to catch a glimpse of her.  Unless you yourself are carrying a horrible disease.  You have given the treatments before.  I could see her using it as a reason to keep her away once in a while.  Not four weeks in a row.  You have a good case, but we never know what will happen in family court.  Good luck with the consults!

A custody evaluator would talk to the doctors.

[Eco]

Sorry I'm bad with details, it was only last weekend that I missed because of her being sick the 2 weekends before was because she was out of town on her cruise. But you're right her being sick is no reason to keep me away. 

[momtara]

OH.  In that case, you may have to show more of a pattern, from what I have read here.  Are you normally allowed to see her?  In any case, if you are not getting the visitation you should be, you certainly can fight.

[livednlearned]

I made 2 appointments with lawyers tomorrow and Thursday for a free consultation. any questions I should ask concerning the contempt and me wanting to get custody?

Ask how seriously the court will take three instances of denied visitation. Whether it's better to establish a longer pattern, or whether it's better to act fast and get it documented.

Because there are two kinds of documentation. One is the stuff you're doing -- saving texts, emails, keeping a log, recording, etc. The other is getting the behavior documented by a court. In general, the clock starts ticking when stuff gets entered into court documents. Meaning, in a year from now, they'll see that her behavior is dragging things through court, and she can't obey court orders.

Court notes behaviors that impact the child, but they also take seriously behavior that is in defiance of court orders. I have full custody of my son. Part of the reason is behavior affecting S12, part is N/BPDx blatantly defying court orders.

Hope your daughter is getting better... . at her age, I wouldn't necessarily lay blame for her illness on the mom. Be careful to not imply that your daughter is sick because of mom. That's hard to prove, and anyone who has kids knows that they get sick a lot.  The thing you want to document is that your ex won't let you comfort your D or see her when she's sick.

[Eco]

Ask how seriously the court will take three instances of denied visitation. Whether it's better to establish a longer pattern, or whether it's better to act fast and get it documented.

Because there are two kinds of documentation. One is the stuff you're doing -- saving texts, emails, keeping a log, recording, etc. The other is getting the behavior documented by a court. In general, the clock starts ticking when stuff gets entered into court documents. Meaning, in a year from now, they'll see that her behavior is dragging things through court, and she can't obey court orders.

Court notes behaviors that impact the child, but they also take seriously behavior that is in defiance of court orders. I have full custody of my son. Part of the reason is behavior affecting S12, part is N/BPDx blatantly defying court orders.

thanks for the advice L&L.

the court order has only been in place since march 1st this year and so far I have missed 9 days of visitation and many attempts to block my time. she has verbally made it known that she doesn't want overnights to start in June,  the judge made it clear that she gave this frequent short periods of time for visitation so my daughter could get used to my house and the new inviourment to make overnights a easier transition for her. my ex has made it her mission to stop this even at our daughters expense, I want to expose this to the court.

Hope your daughter is getting better... . at her age, I wouldn't necessarily lay blame for her illness on the mom. Be careful to not imply that your daughter is sick because of mom. That's hard to prove, and anyone who has kids knows that they get sick a lot.

I agree its hard to prove although she did refuse to get my daughter vaccinated and I had no input on that because she has the final say right now in that area. while vaccinations are a debatable subject there are a lot of studies that make good arguments on both sides.

I have never layed blame on my ex but only shared concern that my daughter has been sick with the same thing 4 times in a year and those breathing treatments are not good to continually get. my ex only saw my concern as a personal insult and that I was implying she couldn't care for her, another example of how she refuses to co parent.

The thing you want to document is that your ex won't let you comfort your D or see her when she's sick.

this x10, my ex wants to be the only person that gives her comfort when she is sick. I was only around my daughter 1 time when she was sick about 8 months ago , my ex saw how affectionate and caring I was to my daughter. ever since then she has kept me away when my daughter has been sick.

Good luck with the consults!

I had to move todays to Thursday unfortunatly

[ForeverDad]

Ask how seriously the court will take three instances of denied visitation. Whether it's better to establish a longer pattern, or whether it's better to act fast and get it documented.

Because there are two kinds of documentation. One is the stuff you're doing -- saving texts, emails, keeping a log, recording, etc. The other is getting the behavior documented by a court. In general, the clock starts ticking when stuff gets entered into court documents. Meaning, in a year from now, they'll see that her behavior is dragging things through court, and she can't obey court orders.

Court notes behaviors that impact the child, but they also take seriously behavior that is in defiance of court orders. I have full custody of my son. Part of the reason is behavior affecting S12, part is N/BPDx blatantly defying court orders.

The court order has only been in place since March 1st this year and so far I have missed 9 days of visitation and many attempts to block my time. she has verbally made it known that she doesn't want overnights to start in June,  the judge made it clear that she gave this frequent short periods of time for visitation so my daughter could get used to my house and the new environment to make overnights a easier transition for her. my ex has made it her mission to stop this even at our daughters expense, I want to expose this to the court.

Nine days in less than two months is excessive.  I don't think any court would find fault with you returning to court, even if a few are seen as not such a big thing.  You've had a pattern of obstruction before the order.  Now you have a pattern of obstruction after the order.

Does your county have a required way to document failed exchanges?  Do you have to call the police and have them write a report as documentation?  Your lawyer should be able to tell you what you need.

Remember this emphatic advice from my lawyer after I complained my ex was abusing my reasonableness and flexibility:  "Don't deviate from the order!"  While a judge might find fault with you complaining about a couple missed or late exchanges or refusing to be flexible now and then in complying with the order, a judge will not be peeved with you when it becomes a clear pattern of obstruction of an order.  She hasn't changed her pattern of obstructing your parenting.  (1) That puts your daughter at a disadvantage and (2) puts you at a disadvantage.  Any good judge will not be pleased with her making your parenting so difficult to accomplish.

Be aware that a lawyer may file a Contempt of Court case with minimal information in the motion.  Personally I feel it would be good to list the details in the motion itself.  So often when a case goes into court it seems like the judge and lawyers try to keep as much information out of the paperwork.  Then, if a judge or lawyer ever looks back at the case, they'll see in black and while many of the details of the case rather than just a general claim "father says his parenting is being obstructed" which may or may not turn out to be a valid claim.  That's my opinion after several years in and out of court.

I agree its hard to prove although she did refuse to get my daughter vaccinated and I had no input on that because she has the final say right now in that area. while vaccinations are a debatable subject there are a lot of studies that make good arguments on both sides.

My ex too was very opposed to vaccinations and delayed most of them.  For years he had none except for one to get into school.  When I got custody I eventually decided to take a middle ground - let him catch up but doing so on separate visits, one per visit, since some have raised concerns about multiple vaccinations in one pediatrician visit.

Be forewarned that your ex comes from a position of entitlement.  Likely the other two fathers didn't know what they were dealing with and with the relentless obstruction and continual disparagement they faded away.  So of course she feels entitled with child #3 as well.  However, you're not fooled, conned or too unprepared.  It will still be an uphill struggle, but you can persevere.

I have a feeling that she will keep the baby regardless this will be her 3rd child with 3 different fathers, she was going to give the last one up for adoption as well but didn't.

Do you have any official documentation about this or was this just her telling a story?  I don't know if it would make much of a difference now, but even having texts/emails about this might counter her claims that her children are her life.

her-A REAL FATHER doesn't just come around AFTER the baby is born!

This is a view that the prior two fathers allowed her to enforce.  It's still not right and the court will not agree.  And I bet mother is happily accepting child support too, as in, "Go away but send me money."

I have kept all texts between us, the most recent madness from her was saying how I'm being selfish in wanting to see my daughter, her reasoning is that my daughter doesn't get anything from seeing me because she is so young. bonding between us doesn't matter and she doesn't need a father till she is older, the only thing that she needs right now according to my ex is being fed breast milk and me coming around to see my daughter only stresses my ex out and causes her to not produce milk as good .

Court will disagree with that "dismissal of father" attitude too.  Nursing?  She can express her breast milk and send it bottled at the exchange.

[livednlearned]

the court order has only been in place since march 1st this year and so far I have missed 9 days of visitation and many attempts to block my time. she has verbally made it known that she doesn't want overnights to start in June,  the judge made it clear that she gave this frequent short periods of time for visitation so my daughter could get used to my house and the new inviourment to make overnights a easier transition for her. my ex has made it her mission to stop this even at our daughters expense, I want to expose this to the court.

Like FD said, 9 missed visits is excessive. Court will care. But don't be too surprised if they just give her a tap on the wrist. For reasons that are entirely exasperating to people who are reasonable, court gives the non-compliers a lot of leeway. What you're doing is starting the documentation process to show that she is unreasonable, and it will probably take repeated visits to court for the judge to get fed up with the pattern. Then, at least this is how it worked in my experience, court starts getting pissed at how defiant the defendant is, and then it sorta becomes a thing where the judge starts doling out consequences to discipline the defiance.

Ask your lawyer what kinds of consequences you can include in your motions. Like asking for legal fees if she does not comply, or that you can bank any missed visitation and use it whenever you want. If BPD mom withholds visitation for 4 hours, then you get to add it to the next visit, prolonging the time D spends with you. I don't know, something like that. 

[ForeverDad]

I would love a list like this, hopefully a lawyer will too:

• Prior to the current order mother obstructed father's parenting time with their child to such an extent that he had to seek remedy from the court.



• Mother actively pressured father to cancel his parenting time with their child:
  
  {many visitation dates}



• Mother did not pressure father to cancel his parenting time with their child:
  
  {few visitation dates, if any}



• Mother obstructed and blocked father by unilaterally cancelling his parenting time and denied contact with their child:
  
  {visitation dates and circumstances such as vacation, claimed illness, etc}



• While father acknowledges their child can be ill sometimes, father has parented his older child more than adequately for many years and there is no basis for mother to frequently use illness and her possession of their child to obstruct his parenting time and, when doing so, mother also refuses to offer makeup time.



• While father acknowledges both parents should be able to take vacations with their children, mother has already taken a vacation and father plans to take his vacation with his children this summer, mother did not provide required or adequate notice of her vacation.

Courts don't want to get lost in the details.  In the Contempt of Court motion provide a short summary list similar to what I've outlined above, then provide copies of your documentation for each incident.  Judge will see the summary list, check a couple dates to verify the dates match the documentation, then conclude the entire list is accurate unless she or her lawyer can disprove it.

Also, judges and lawyers try to keep as much as possible "off the record".  It is to your benefit to get as much of her obstructions and the judge's comments and decisions "on the record" so you can refer to it in future hearings at court.  Otherwise it will get lost in the past.

If you don't have a vacation for yourself with your children as a clear part of the current order, try to get that added.  At some point, probably when you send your required advance notice, she will try to obstruct that too.

Be aware that in court she will make innumerable emotionally compelling claims and allegations.  Judge may even listen to them.  But vague claims such as "he always... . " or "she always... . " without documentation will be considered to be hearsay and largely ignored.  Judge made an order, she didn't comply, keep it simple.  Judge will likely give her 'admonition' at this early stage.  See if you can also get make up time.  Judges generally don't think of that simple remedy as part of the solution, but include it in the motion or ask the judge for it anyway.

Also, when you do appear for a hearing date bring along an updated list including the obstructions between the original filing and the hearing so that it can be amended to the motion and the judge will know she is still obstructing despite the impending motion.  By the time this gets to court you may already be in June and supposedly getting your overnights.  I bet she'll raise her level of obstruction to new heights then.  Be aware.  Beware.

Meanwhile, expect her to try to frame you for mischief, such as harassment, stalking, DV, DV threats, child abuse, child neglect and child endangerment.  Think carefully about all your words, actions and behaviors.  Don't give her "a shoe in the door" to make a molehill into a mountain.

Finally, you should be able to take a vacation with your children this summer, hopefully the order doesn't restrict that.  Find out the rules and requirements and and comply with them: the advance notify-by date, the contact list while away if required, etc.  For many of us May 15 is the notify-by date to send a written notice for summer vacations.  Go ahead and send by email but be sure to follow it up with actual physical paperwork and mailing methods if/as required by the court.  Dot those I's and cross those T's.

[ForeverDad]

It just occurred to me that your order is so new that you may end up facing a similar conclusion that a magistrate in my court decided.  Here are a few threads where I discussed what happened to me.

I filed Contempt but it was ruled that since her actions were at the beginning of the order, she had an "inability to comply" with the the time requirements even though the new vacation notification terms were less strict than the old ones in the temp order... .

Year 3 - On trial morning my stbEx stated she was finally ready to settle after two long years in the divorce process.  The settlement was 50/50 Shared Parenting with father (me) as Residential Parent, that was my primary condition, otherwise start the trial.  Shared Parenting didn't start well, she went on a vacation within weeks without written notice (my Contempt motion was dismissed on an "inability to comply" technicality because the old order had ended and the new order hadn't been in effect long enough for her to be held to the shorter 30-days-notice provision of the new order)... .

Did I ever say what my ex did and how the court ruled?  I had just reached a settlement and the ink on the divorce decree was barely dry.  A couple weeks later my ex traded one parenting day for another.  (Back then I wasn't street-wise enough to know that I had to get my trade time first, or else risk me not getting my part of the trade.)  When I went to get my son, the daycare said he hadn't been there all day.  I called my ex and she said she was states away driving to vacation with family.

I filed Contempt of Court.  Generous person I was, I had written all vacations requiring only 30 days advance notice.  The county's default guideline was to require vacation notices for Spring Break by Feb 15.  While she did verbalize she was going on vacation during Spring Break, (1) she never gave written notice, (2) she never specified any dates and (3) she never went anywhere during Spring Break.  She left on a Friday, the last weekday of Spring Break, the day she had traded to me.  He missed a week of kindergarten.  She hadn't even notified the school.

Although the court chewed her out, telling her she did not comply with our parenting schedule, the court also ruled she "technically" was not in contempt because she had an "inability to comply" with the terms of the new order because it hadn't been in effect long enough (23 days) to give her enough time to comply with a 30 day notice.  Mind you, she was not in compliance with the prior temporary order either, which was in effect when she should have given her written notice, but that's how they sometimes stumble into skating around the rules and finding esoteric loopholes of logic and technicalities.

Just ponder this... . my ex's choice not to inform me in advance either in writing or with any specific dates was transformed by my court into an "inability to comply".  She didn't even try to comply in good faith!

[Nope]

I agree with everyone else. This is excessive. Especially this early in the order. I would start working on getting this in front of a judge immediately. Considering it may take months just to get this heard, the sooner the better. In the meantime keep documenting because she will keep obstructing.

Unfortunately, it seems that experience with the other two fathers has taught her that if she makes this hard enough you will go away. The lesson you need to teach her about you is that you won't go away. That every time she gets in the way of your parenting, she can expect the same consequence of being dragged back into court.

The more you bond with your child now the better because once the child is old enough the BPD mother may start alienating the child to make not going along with visitation your daughter's idea instead of hers.

[Eco]

Does your county have a required way to document failed exchanges?  Do you have to call the police and have them write a report as documentation?  Your lawyer should be able to tell you what you need.

my lawyer isn't helping me with anything right now that's why im getting a new one. I will ask about the best way to document failed exchanges. as far as the police go they do nothing unless she gets violent, they said to bring a family member to witness it.

Be aware that a lawyer may file a Contempt of Court case with minimal information in the motion.  Personally I feel it would be good to list the details in the motion itself.  So often when a case goes into court it seems like the judge and lawyers try to keep as much information out of the paperwork.  Then, if a judge or lawyer ever looks back at the case, they'll see in black and while many of the details of the case rather than just a general claim "father says his parenting is being obstructed" which may or may not turn out to be a valid claim.  That's my opinion after several years in and out of court.

very good advice, I witnessed this as well at my court hearing

Be forewarned that your ex comes from a position of entitlement.  Likely the other two fathers didn't know what they were dealing with and with the relentless obstruction and continual disparagement they faded away.  So of course she feels entitled with child #3 as well.  However, you're not fooled, conned or too unprepared.  It will still be an uphill struggle, but you can persevere.

thanks for the encouragement

Quote

I have a feeling that she will keep the baby regardless this will be her 3rd child with 3 different fathers, she was going to give the last one up for adoption as well but didn't.

Do you have any official documentation about this or was this just her telling a story?  I don't know if it would make much of a difference now, but even having texts/emails about this might counter her claims that her children are her life.

yes I have text messages, I found out that she used the people that were going to adopt baby #2. they paid all her bills because she fell and broke her leg when she was pregnant and couldn't work, then right before the baby was due she changed her mind.

Court will disagree with that "dismissal of father" attitude too.  Nursing?  She can express her breast milk and send it bottled at the exchange.

yes and the judge agreed she should pump milk which she already does for the baby sitter

Ask your lawyer what kinds of consequences you can include in your motions. Like asking for legal fees if she does not comply, or that you can bank any missed visitation and use it whenever you want. If BPD mom withholds visitation for 4 hours, then you get to add it to the next visit, prolonging the time D spends with you. I don't know, something like that.

thanks that's a great idea

I would love a list like this, hopefully a lawyer will too:

•Prior to the current order mother obstructed father's parenting time with their child to such an extent that he had to seek remedy from the court.

•Mother actively pressured father to cancel his parenting time with their child:

{many visitation dates}

•Mother did not pressure father to cancel his parenting time with their child:

{few visitation dates, if any}

•Mother obstructed and blocked father by unilaterally cancelling his parenting time and denied contact with their child:

{visitation dates and circumstances such as vacation, claimed illness, etc}

•While father acknowledges their child can be ill sometimes, father has parented his older child more than adequately for many years and there is no basis for mother to frequently use illness and her possession of their child to obstruct his parenting time and, when doing so, mother also refuses to offer makeup time.

•While father acknowledges both parents should be able to take vacations with their children, mother has already taken a vacation and father plans to take his vacation with his children this summer, mother did not provide required or adequate notice of her vacation.

Courts don't want to get lost in the details.  In the Contempt of Court motion provide a short summary list similar to what I've outlined above, then provide copies of your documentation for each incident.  Judge will see the summary list, check a couple dates to verify the dates match the documentation, then conclude the entire list is accurate unless she or her lawyer can disprove it.

Also, judges and lawyers try to keep as much as possible "off the record".  It is to your benefit to get as much of her obstructions and the judge's comments and decisions "on the record" so you can refer to it in future hearings at court.  Otherwise it will get lost in the past.

If you don't have a vacation for yourself with your children as a clear part of the current order, try to get that added.  At some point, probably when you send your required advance notice, she will try to obstruct that too.

That's a great list to start me on, Thanks FD.

as far as vacation goes I get 2 non consecutive weeks in 2015 plus the holidays start in 2015 as well

Be aware that in court she will make innumerable emotionally compelling claims and allegations.  Judge may even listen to them.  But vague claims such as "he always... . " or "she always... . " without documentation will be considered to be hearsay and largely ignored.  Judge made an order, she didn't comply, keep it simple.  Judge will likely give her 'admonition' at this early stage.  See if you can also get make up time.  Judges generally don't think of that simple remedy as part of the solution, but include it in the motion or ask the judge for it anyway.

Also, when you do appear for a hearing date bring along an updated list including the obstructions between the original filing and the hearing so that it can be amended to the motion and the judge will know she is still obstructing despite the impending motion.  By the time this gets to court you may already be in June and supposedly getting your overnights.  I bet she'll raise her level of obstruction to new heights then.  Be aware.  Beware.

ok will do, yes when the over nights start I expect a whole new level of madness from her.

Meanwhile, expect her to try to frame you for mischief, such as harassment, stalking, DV, DV threats, child abuse, child neglect and child endangerment.  Think carefully about all your words, actions and behaviors.  Don't give her "a shoe in the door" to make a molehill into a mountain.

Finally, you should be able to take a vacation with your children this summer, hopefully the order doesn't restrict that.  Find out the rules and requirements and and comply with them: the advance notify-by date, the contact list while away if required, etc.  For many of us May 15 is the notify-by date to send a written notice for summer vacations.  Go ahead and send by email but be sure to follow it up with actual physical paperwork and mailing methods if/as required by the court.  Dot those I's and cross those T's. wink

great advice, she has already tried with a false abuse claim so I expect more of the same. same on mine may 15 2015. thanks again FD

Insert Quote

It just occurred to me that your order is so new that you may end up facing a similar conclusion that a magistrate in my court decided.  Here are a few threads where I discussed what happened to me.


Quote from: ForeverDad on May 16, 2010, 05:49:23 PM

I filed Contempt but it was ruled that since her actions were at the beginning of the order, she had an "inability to comply" with the the time requirements even though the new vacation notification terms were less strict than the old ones in the temp order... .

Quote from: ForeverDad on December 02, 2010, 07:14:16 PM

Year 3 - On trial morning my stbEx stated she was finally ready to settle after two long years in the divorce process.  The settlement was 50/50 Shared Parenting with father (me) as Residential Parent, that was my primary condition, otherwise start the trial.  Shared Parenting didn't start well, she went on a vacation within weeks without written notice (my Contempt motion was dismissed on an "inability to comply" technicality because the old order had ended and the new order hadn't been in effect long enough for her to be held to the shorter 30-days-notice provision of the new order)... .

Quote from: ForeverDad on January 04, 2011, 10:53:54 PM

Did I ever say what my ex did and how the court ruled?  I had just reached a settlement and the ink on the divorce decree was barely dry.  A couple weeks later my ex traded one parenting day for another.  (Back then I wasn't street-wise enough to know that I had to get my trade time first, or else risk me not getting my part of the trade.)  When I went to get my son, the daycare said he hadn't been there all day.  I called my ex and she said she was states away driving to vacation with family.

I filed Contempt of Court.  Generous person I was, I had written all vacations requiring only 30 days advance notice.  The county's default guideline was to require vacation notices for Spring Break by Feb 15.  While she did verbalize she was going on vacation during Spring Break, (1) she never gave written notice, (2) she never specified any dates and (3) she never went anywhere during Spring Break.  She left on a Friday, the last weekday of Spring Break, the day she had traded to me.  He missed a week of kindergarten.  She hadn't even notified the school.

Although the court chewed her out, telling her she did not comply with our parenting schedule, the court also ruled she "technically" was not in contempt because she had an "inability to comply" with the terms of the new order because it hadn't been in effect long enough (23 days) to give her enough time to comply with a 30 day notice.  Mind you, she was not in compliance with the prior temporary order either, which was in effect when she should have given her written notice, but that's how they sometimes stumble into skating around the rules and finding esoteric loopholes of logic and technicalities.

Just ponder this... . my ex's choice not to inform me in advance either in writing or with any specific dates was transformed by my court into an "inability to comply".  She didn't even try to comply in good faith!

It amazes me at what they can get away with.

Unfortunately, it seems that experience with the other two fathers has taught her that if she makes this hard enough you will go away. The lesson you need to teach her about you is that you won't go away. That every time she gets in the way of your parenting, she can expect the same consequence of being dragged back into court.

The more you bond with your child now the better because once the child is old enough the BPD mother may start alienating the child to make not going along with visitation your daughter's idea instead of hers.

That's my intensions, she is very frustrated that I wont give up and go away.

the whole parental alienation thing is my biggest fear right now

[Eco]

Thanks everyone for the advice and support, you guys are awesome.

[momtara]

>>has parented his older child more than adequately for many years

I would add "including through illness" to show that you have done that too.