Maintaining friendship with a BPD

[amy798]

Hi, I was wondering how can I maintain a good friendship with an ex who has BPD. He is opening up to me now since I don't react to the blames he puts on me, and I keep on validating his feelings and empathize with whatever he goes through. How do I tell him not to do something which is wrong? How do you make a person with BPD understand what is right and what is wrong but at the same time make him feel like you will be supportive enough to listen to everything he does and says? He called me up few days back and told me how this girl turned him on and he wants to see where things go (he is 22 and recently got married), I asked him to think about it twice as he is now married and reminded him how overwhelming guilt feels like, and asked him to calm down or talk to me instead on the phone. He called me after an hour and told me that he got home but didn't do "anything" with her but goodness in women turns him on so much. He said that he called me cos he knows I will support him no matter what but wanted me to speak as his conscience cos he was finding it hard to resist. I don't even know if he told me the truth about not sleeping with that girl or not but my question is, in situations like this, how do you present yourself as a friend who will support you no matter what but at the same time speak as your conscience? Even though in that case I did put myself forward as one, but I have doubts about what he told me later. I want him to trust me with everything, even with the horrible things he do, because at least if I know what he is truly up to, I can find ways to ask him not to do something which won't have positive consequences. He feels lonely sometimes and I can somehow empathize how devastating it can be to be a person with BPD. I truly care about him which is why I want to focus on our friendship and be there for him.

He isn't emotionally unavailable to his parents (he thinks they are and they won't care if something happens to him and it wouldn't matter to them either) and I am very disappointed at them because they aren't doing anything to help him. They got him married to an 18 year old, because they think that would make him better but none of them is doing anything that would actually help him with the illness (they are probably in denial). He needs someone who has idea about this illness and will be there for him no matter what and I am more than happy to be that person because I don't expect anything in return, I just want to give. it must feel like hell and if I can give him even a second of peace, then why not?

Thanks!

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[amy798]

He IS emotionally unavailable to his parents --- sorry made a typo there in the second para

[In_n_Out]

You don't.  That's what a trained professional therapist is there to *try* to do using "tools" such as DBT/CBT's. 

What you can do is let him/her know that you are a friend for them but that you have personal boundaries (such as not tolerating being verbally or physically abused for example).  You can validate their emotions when they are feeling emotionally dysregulated, and you can do for them what any other friend would do for somebody.  But be forwarned that you will need patience and strength and must face the fact that very often you may or will become the target of personal verbal attacks, be "split" from (silent treatment) and if you invalidate too much, you may be painted black and have the friendship taken from you.

[amy798]

yeah I understood that after he broke up with me, and when I go back to the days when we were dating, I can relate a lot of things to the illness. I have always been the target when he faced problems in his life, he even told me a month back that one of the reasons he believed that we couldn't last is because of the fact that I have always been a bad luck for him, which is, he always tends to get screwed every time he is in good terms with me. And even told me that he felt betrayed in love because he was under the illusion that he was in love with me but I was too selfish to see it and that he did everything he could to keep me happy but I never appreciated. I did not react to any of that because I was aware of what he was going through so I just listened and apologized for not being understanding enough but at the same time made it clear that he can talk to me after he had calmed down, after which he started being normal again.

Should I be always available to him? If I do, will he at one point take me for granted or is this what they need, always have someone who will be always available to them? What will make him feel better and secure?

[lemon flower]

hi, let me copy first my response I wrote in another treat... .

"I suppose "staying friends" with a BPD, equals "staying"... .

as such I might have to move to the staying boards  

I came to realise that even though we are now living separatedly, having our own lives (technically), avoiding sexual intercourse, meeting eachother on a "limited" base, etc. we are still having a r/s on an emotional level, and it's still based on HIS needs... . although there are "benefits" for me too

but this way it works for me: having defined this as a friendship helps enormously to set boundaries and limits the expectations of "more" , both to him as to me

and we are both happier: me because I can still be there for him, and he is more thankful and feels less lonely, and I am the only female friend his has, which is a completely different dynamic than "meeting with the guys"

allthough he hangs around with them he is too disordered to really connect to them, and he doesn't feel safe with them, sometimes for no reason, sometimes because they truly can't be trusted, as they take advantage of him or bully him :-(

I suppose I became some kind of personal coach to him, a resting area where he can relax a little bit... . "

now, to your quote:

" Should I be always available to him? If I do, will he at one point take me for granted or is this what they need, always have someone who will be always available to them? What will make him feel better and secure?"

so yes, I think he will expect you to be available , and it will be mostly about his needs, but in answer to the first; you can try to set boundaries and he will probably respect them, because in a friendship there is more distance then in a r/s, that might help

in answer to the second: if you don't mind that it's all about him, and if you truly want to help him, that ain't really a problem isn't it, you can share with him the good things that he is capable of giving and look for emotional support with other people... .

what is considering me more is this:

" I asked him to think about it twice as he is now married and reminded him how overwhelming guilt feels like, and asked him to calm down or talk to me instead on the phone. He called me after an hour and told me that he got home but didn't do "anything" with her but goodness in women turns him on so much. He said that he called me cos he knows I will support him no matter what but wanted me to speak as his conscience cos he was finding it hard to resist"

be very careful here ! even though you can feel very strong in your believe that you will never do anything wrong, it is amazing how they can persist in the amount of "affection" that they are looking for with you  

I am struggling everytime I see him on setting boundaries onto intimate moves from his side, because after all he stays your ex, and even when you no longer have romantic or sexual feelings for him, you're still a woman, not made of ice, and it can be very tempting at times... .