Hardest thing for me.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I realize the relationship is over. I even realize that in the long run it is the best thing for me, I've been saved from a life of misery. I am having the hardest time with the fact I've been emotionally and verbally abused. I don't know how to wrap my head around it, and honestly I've been denying it for so long. As I sat down last night and told my dad what I had been through, he had tears in his eyes and said there were so many red flags. He asked why I stayed, and I couldn't answer him. I don't know it was the whole relationship. Hot cold hot cold. Why did I stay? I don't even like the person my ex is and was-controlling, manipulative, mean, cruel, but I stayed. I just don't understand.

[just_confused]

I realize the relationship is over. I even realize that in the long run it is the best thing for me, I've been saved from a life of misery. I am having the hardest time with the fact I've been emotionally and verbally abused. I don't know how to wrap my head around it, and honestly I've been denying it for so long. As I sat down last night and told my dad what I had been through, he had tears in his eyes and said there were so many red flags. He asked why I stayed, and I couldn't answer him. I don't know it was the whole relationship. Hot cold hot cold. Why did I stay? I don't even like the person my ex is and was-controlling, manipulative, mean, cruel, but I stayed. I just don't understand.

[just_confused]

Was I not worth being treated like a human being?

[NickM]

Just Confused,

Sounds like a really rough time for you? Hope you are okay?

Awesome that you could talk to your folks about it. If you're relationship had the typical elements of a BPD relationship then it's possible you wouldn't want to share all the intimate details as to why you stayed.

I certainly couldn't relay honestly to my parents about the bedroom conditions that kept us above water despite being a sinking ship.

Don't beat yourself up about missing red flags. Take the learning and use it wisely; be very very clear about what those flags are and what they mean to you and be sure to avoid in the future.

It might not feel like it but you are heading in a really positive direction. It's not easy and you will likely need good support, which is hard to find.

We are here for you and wish you all the best. Post back often; it not only benefits you but helps others too... . Win win.

[bpdspell]

Was I not worth being treated like a human being?

Just Confused,

The best thing you can do in terms of allowing your ex's abuse is to forgive yourself. In love we sometimes allow others to trample our boundaries. It happens and it's nothing to beat yourself up about. Just be glad that the abuse isn't happening now.

It makes you human to get pissed at yourself for allowing someone to mistreat you but if you're asking yourself why you weren't worthy of being treated kindly then that is a deeper issue within you. Your worth isn't connected to a disordered persons abysmal behavior. You did not "cause" your ex to treat you poorly. Borderlines don't pick and choose who'll they'll be nice to. Everyone that comes close and triggers their disordered thoughts gets the cruddy treatment so try not to make the actions of your ex seem personal.

Self forgiveness and having compassion for yourself is the way. It will help you to let go of your shame, self blame and any inclination you may have in accepting responsibility for the actions of a mentally ill person.

Spell

[Lion Fire]

I feel your pain just confused,

I would plead with her to to "treat my like a human being" and she would say, "I can't now, I'm angry, you made me feel like this, YOU treat me like ___... . " I am in my mid 40's with a lot of life experience and I have never been treated like this by any person in any context or environment. No one has ever humiliated, degraded, raged at, disposed of me like she has. I am a widower, I've had a stroke, I have been a soldier, fought in a war, I am a sportsman... . surfer, boxer, footballer and in all of my years of loss, emotional pain, times of illness, injuries and broken bones I have never felt such pain. There is nothing more painful than emotional abuse. No human deserves to be devastated like this.

In times of doubt about my decision to end this toxic relationship (Like today) I have to remember the way she treated me. The things she said... . " man up, grow some balls, you are a child in a man's body, you stink, I hate your hair, you can't f**k like a man, I need a real man to F**k me, you are a liar, a con artist, a cheat, a fake, you are an abuser, a terrorist... . the list goes on and on... . She told her friends awful stories about me, lied and smeared my name, caused great damage to my reputation. She told me that I was BPD and needed intensive treatment :-D

My best was never close to being enough. She told me that trying to do my best was just not enough. It was like constantly being on trial.

In times of pain, when I buy into the blame, shame and guilt she has spewed over me, I find this to be the best method to sober me up... . review the list of things she said to me and her diabolical behaviour. . I have to ask myself... . do I deserve to be treated like this? Is this the "love" I want, do I respect and love myself enough to say NO MORE, I DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS? .

It's a self esteem challenge. Whatever self worth I had was progressively battered and debased by this relationship. I've heard it said that to build self esteem, I should engage in esteemable acts. The first of these should be to remove myself from any situations or people that abuse me.

I wish you well. Be strong.

Peace