uBPD grandma pushing boundaries to send "gift" to grandchild

[nomom4me]

My mom's behavior has improved greatly since my child was born.  We have had a busy 6 months, she was born late last year and we bought a house early this year.  My mom has a history of making things complicated, to put it nicely.  I decided that with both the pregnancy and the house that there would be more risk than benefit in involving my mom with either.  She found out about the baby after she was born, and yesterday I told her about the house.

A little bit of history;  For the past 3 years my mother has been excluding me from family events or making my involvement contingent on email, facebook or letters.   About 4 years I ceased email contact with my mother and have no intention of adding her on facebook.  She started making ridiculous online scavenger hunts out of simple invitations, she would leave me voicemail telling me to check my email and found a way to work it into every conversation.  My sister and mom escalated to reading a relatives email account a couple years ago, since then both are blocked on email and facebook.  There were other incidents that shocked my partner to the point where he asked me to keep our physical address private.  Our previous residence was a condo building with security, now we live in a house. 

Since the baby is in the picture my mom *seemed* to realize that she will need to respect boundaries if she wants any contact with her grandchild.  We visited on Christmas, for the first time in 4 years she did not try to email or push for my physical address.  Two days ago she called and left a message stating that she would be in my area and would like to have a quick lunch and see the baby, it's the first time she has ever suggested a meeting that does not involve emailing logistics or having me give up a day to come to her.  I though she might be changing, a small part of me suspected that she might have an agenda other than seeing the baby but I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

When I called back I told her that we would be busy on the day she suggested and asked what time her plans were for, she had no firm plans and has a history of keeping people waiting.  IF she had firm plans and needed to keep a schedule, I would have made an effort to see her but she had no plans and I do need to keep a schedule.  I told her that we have an appointment in the afternoon and are very busy with the move, so we are unable to meet.  I also told her that I was glad she was finally suggesting meeting that are appropriate and mindful of our time.  She asked about the house, I had not told her that we bought a house - because I don't want her at my house.  As soon as I told her she said I "need to have everyone over".  I calmly told her that we would not be having any large gatherings anytime soon, and that before she could come over we would need to have a discussion about boundaries.  She gave me a dramatic "oh, thats fine! whenever you are ready... . ".

Then she started giving me a detailed description of baby outfit she bought, an easter outfit.  We had planned to spend a couple hours with her on Easter so I said she could give it to us then.  She went on and on about how special it is and how she "NEEDS" to mail it to me before easter.  I lost it.  I mocked her, I said "OH, it has BUNNY EARS? Lets forget about boundaries, come on over BUNNY EARS change EVERYTHING".  She started on her refrain on how she has "done everything" for me.  I had some very tough years where I was unable to work, my mom helped me here and there during that time but she was keeping me off her doorstep and not much else, and I told her that.  My mom gave me a waify retort about how she has great relationships with her other grandchildren .  I've never been spoiled or had any of my needs pre-empted as an adult or as a child.  My mother was constantly distracted and I was left alone frequently as a child, she babysits my niece and nephew because their parents cannot afford childcare.  My sister complains about the quality of care.

The phone call followed the classic structure I have seen over the past 4 years, she is friendly - overly so, then she dangles her contingent carrot and freaks out when I'd rather not jump through her hoops.  When we fight she almost always closes by saying "I'm going to email you and you need to read it".  I told her that if she keeps pushing the "no written contact" boundary  I will file a restraining order.  I don't think she understands how serious I am about this, she underestimates the number of emails she sent and disregarded clear cease and desist messages.  I have a history of nasty emails going back years, and prior to her using the internet she wrote letters.  Of course I don't trust her to send a "gift" without including a "note".  I don't want to save a bunch of guilt-trippy cards for my daughter to read when she is old enough.  I am mad at myself for loosing my temper, I have a headache today - but I needed to let her know I am serious about filing a restraining order if she refuses to respect boundaries.

She told me I could call her if I wanted to apologize and join the family on Easter. I told her that we had planned to visit on Easter but I don't think it's a good idea now.  I told her that building trust would take time, and reminded her that she has only been acting reasonably since my daughter was born.  She started crying.  I told her that if she is suffering, she should get help. I encouraged her to talk to a therapist and hung up the phone.  I should have hung up the phone as soon as she insisted that I "need" this "gift" prior to Easter.

I'm also struggling with wanting to inform extended family of where I am with my mother because I hear all kinds of stories, I do want my daughter to meet other relatives but I will not put her in the middle of my mothers games.  At this point I'm not comfortable giving my address to any relatives, but at some point the real estate records will show up on the web. 

Any support or imput appreciated.

[PrettyPlease]

She went on and on about how special it is and how she "NEEDS" to mail it to me before easter.  I lost it.  I mocked her, I said "OH, it has BUNNY EARS? Lets forget about boundaries, come on over BUNNY EARS change EVERYTHING".

... .

Any support or input appreciated.

  Thanks, I really needed that one tonight.    

I'm not sure why, but it sprung something in me -- my mother also carried on a decades-long pattern of 'needing' to contact me with various sorts of information that she was in control of and 'I needed to know'. Translation: I'm an object in her agenda, not a sentient human being that she might notice, respect, or be interested in.

I also broke down and said things like you did on a few occasions, though I bow to a master, I never came up with one as good as that.  

But, of course, it made no difference, in the long term (except to make me feel better briefly, -- for a few seconds).

I'm also struggling with wanting to inform extended family of where I am with my mother because I hear all kinds of stories, I do want my daughter to meet other relatives but I will not put her in the middle of my mothers games.

I recognize this situation, and I wish I had a complete solution to offer, but what happened to me was there were lots of relatives who I never told, and one I did -- as well as an old friend of my mother's who babysat me when I was small, and who I thought of as a friend of mine, or more correctly as a part of my extended family. And both cases were failures. They didn't want to know, and they didn't want to talk about it -- it frightened them. So I didn't tell anybody else, and gradually lost all links with my relatives (except a sister).

I'm not saying this is a good solution. But it's my case -- and who knows, maybe this is as good as it gets.

And it seems easier to practice my boundaries with strangers. Maybe I'll get back to the relatives someday.  

In other words, I think my input is that both you and I could use some serious boundaries work. The being able to say 'no'. --Not that I think you're bad at it, from your story -- you seem to have developed several good boundary habits. But, as I think you'll agree, a PD like this makes a person sort of like a rat: any little crack in the structure, any little hole not covered up with a 'no', and bingo -- there they are again in the roof, living there for God's sake, and you have to trap them or poison them to get them out. 



 

[P.F.Change]

Hi, nomom4me,

It is good to hear from you. Congratulations on the birth of your little one--she must be doing all kinds of fun baby things now. I know what it is like to have a parent who isn't able to respect boundaries about communication. I understand how intrusive it can feel and how frustrating it can be to have the same conversation over and over. While it's true that on their end our parents bear responsibility for their part, we also are responsible for our own behavior. A big part of the work on this Healing board is learning to recognize and change our own role in the cycle of conflict.

It sounds like you understand your comment about the bunny ears was not mature or productive. I was going to ask what you might do differently the next time you notice yourself losing your temper, but then I saw that you have already come up with a solution:

I should have hung up the phone as soon as she insisted that I "need" this "gift" prior to Easter.

In this case, hanging up wouldn't even be about trying to change your mother (you can't) or teach her to stop plowing through your boundaries (you can't); it would be about making sure you are able to live your values. You say you are mad at yourself for losing your temper, so it sounds like you value staying calm when you interact with people, and/or talking to others respectfully. Getting yourself off the phone when you feel your temper rising--taking a break to calm down--will help you do this.

In other words, I think my input is that both you and I could use some serious boundaries work.

I think PrettyPlease is onto something when he says boundary work can help. I agree you already know where some of yours are, such as you will not read e-mails from your mother. Note that this is not about whether your mother sends you e-mails or tells you to check your e-mail. You can't stop her from sending them to you. I used to get incredibly indignant when my mother would do this after we'd agreed that she wouldn't. What I came to realize is that I can't control or change her, I can only control and change me. I can't stop my mother from e-mailing me, but I can set my filters so that I never see what she does send.

These two workshops helped me a lot--have you had a chance to read them?

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Radical Acceptance for family members

I'm also struggling with wanting to inform extended family of where I am with my mother because I hear all kinds of stories, I do want my daughter to meet other relatives but I will not put her in the middle of my mothers games.  At this point I'm not comfortable giving my address to any relatives, but at some point the real estate records will show up on the web.  

How you handle this will be up to you and what you feel comfortable with. You know your relatives best and whether you can trust them. You may be able to arrange visits that don't include your mother, if you want. If you don't want to discuss what is going on between your mother and you, you don't have to. Sometimes a statement like, "I appreciate your concern, but this is between her and me, so I'm not going to discuss it," can help when you don't want to talk.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[nomom4me]

Thanks for the responses, sorry my update took weeks... . life with a small child.

My mom called about a week later demanding to know if I wanted to be invited to family events.  I said "Of course".  She started down the "if I can't email you I can't... . " road and I cut her off, I said "mom I have a small baby, even if I wanted to email you I don't have a free hand".  She paused, said a terse "FINE" and started in about facebook - my relatives keep showing her pictures of the baby on facebook.  I kept repeating "I have no intention of discussing facebook with you".  The potential for her to reach work contacts on my facebook is a risk that far outweighs the benefit my mom would get from being a facebook "friend".  I told her we still planned to come "for a few hours" on Easter.

About a week later we had a small emergency, I don't really want to go into details here but we hit a snag that has backed up our moving and unpacking process.  I called my mom and told her that we probably would not make Easter.  She actually seemed concerned and said it was fine, that we could come last minute if we wanted to.

What happened?  Some kinda hippie-dippy stuff happened on my end, a friend who is into crystals did a reading on my relationship with my mother and the word she came up with was "torture".  She said it goes both ways, she tortures me and I torture her.  I know this is just a reading, not fact but sometimes I learn from these things and as a mother I can see that not having pictures f a grandchild might feel like torture, especially if everyone else sees the pictures.  The reading includes some "energy clearing" and my friend encouraged me to see what happens and to try to keep an open mind (while maintaining my boundaries).

Of course, I didn't sign up for facebook to torture my mother.  She has been excluding me from events, she says things about and to me that are clearly meant to burn.  I'm not exactly feeling guilt, but I can see that she feels left out.  I can print and mail pictures to her, but only if she agrees that it's a one-way exchange - and that seems unfair.  I honestly don't have one printed picture of my baby, it's all digital and I'm way too busy to shop for a printer or use a printing service.  Making my mom feel included in my daughters life is not a priority for me, and that is intentional.  My mom made a claim for grandparents rights with a siblings child, I feel my best defense against such a claim is to not allow my mother to bond with my child - I have done that.

Am I being cruel?  Am I torturing her?  She has been tapdancing on my boundaries for years, but something does seem different.  Maybe it has something to do with my upbringing, I don't observe all the holidays she does but I do think stopping by for a short visit tomorrow might not be so bad.  It will probably be exhausting, but if I go to holidays everyone sees the baby so I am not dealing with trying to arrange meetings with everyone. 

[P.F.Change]

Am I being cruel?  Am I torturing her?  She has been tapdancing on my boundaries for years, but something does seem different.  Maybe it has something to do with my upbringing, I don't observe all the holidays she does but I do think stopping by for a short visit tomorrow might not be so bad.  It will probably be exhausting, but if I go to holidays everyone sees the baby so I am not dealing with trying to arrange meetings with everyone. 

I think it is really good that you are able to see what your mother may be feeling--this is empathy. Some situations are painful even when the other person isn't intentionally trying to be mean. Many times someone with BPD might feel tortured when we take care of our boundaries; that doesn't necessarily mean we are cruel for having them. On the other hand, some people do defend their boundaries in a punitive way. Sometimes it is not easy to see which is which. I think is important to find some balance and know which boundaries can be more flexible and which need to be more rigid.

From what you have written, it sounds like you have weighed the pros and cons of connecting with your mother on facebook, and that you have decided it is better not to. I think this is reasonable. It may feel unfair or mean to your mother, and she may not understand why you need that boundary. Still, it is not the same as it would be if you were withholding photographs as a passive-aggressive way to punish her. Either way, her feelings may have been the same. I think the difference lies in your intentions.

I understand it takes much more effort and time to get any task done with a young child. Printing and mailing photographs may require too much of both for you at the moment. Still, this is not the only means to share pictures with your mother if you really want her to see them. It sounds like you have been able to upload some photos of your baby to facebook; there are other websites that you could use to share pictures with your mother that wouldn't require you to be connected with her on a social network. You can use your phone or computer to do that just as easily as you can upload to facebook. Have you considered using one of those options?

Did you decide to visit your mother's house on Easter? How did that go?