What exactly is it to be disassociated? I am really new here.

[Josette Collins]

    Hello to everyone. I did sign in earlier today as Josette Collins and Turkish suggested I might look on this board to find information I am seeking.  My brother is diagnosed Borderline and my mother is definitely one also.  I told the people on the first board that I have a long-standing habit of always referring to myself in the third person.  i had honestly never noticed it until a doctor i was seeing for something trivial like poison ivy asked me a question and I answered it in the third person.  She bought it to my attention and I started noticing that I do it all the time.  Like "Josette doesn't want to get bit by her vampire today" or "Josette likes hearing the birds outside" and I am really talking about myself.  Is that what it means to be disassociating? I am so new to all of these disorders, having just found out about my brother last July.  It has been a worldwind of emotions and discoveries. 

  And if it IS disassociating and I learned it as a coping mechanism from childhood at the hands of the Borderline Witch, what can I do to undo this in my mind?  I am all about solutions, I don't want to go backwards or stand still.  I want to move forward in some way but not sure how to go about it.  Don't say therapy, my narcissistic vampire husband scoffs at such suggestions.  I remember telling him I thought I was going crazy when I was going through the change of life, and he derisively laughed and said I just wasn't tough enough. Tough it out.  Vampires don't care about anything but fresh blood and mine was drying up!hahaha.  Anyway he said no wife of his would see a psychologist even to get anti-depressants.  Wasn't I strong enough?  Anyway, enough of that rant, all I want to know is, how can I stop myself from disassociating through life?  I think I have cut off true feelings for so long (because narcissists hate anything related to feelings )that I have forgotten that Josette DOES have feelings... .    Thanks for anything any of you can tell me or point me in the right direction.   

[Turkish]

Hello again Josette Collins.

It could be somewhat as you say, a coping mechansim to distance and protect yourself, such that it became an ingrained habit. Does your NPD husband do this as well? Your disordered family members? If so, it could also be a mirrored behavior.

Dissociation BPD style can exhibit itself in many forms from pathological lying, rages, to memory loss and the like. I would even classify the seizure I experienced once as a teen as a form of it... . not sure. During one of my mother's particularly horrible rages at me (a culmination of months of verbal, mental, and sometimes physical abuse), I think my brain just shut down to protect itself, and I collapsed to the ground (interestingly, the one time my mother looks back and says she "probably" crossed the line into abuse   I'd be interested if someone chimes in with regard to trauma experienced from living with NPDs.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Josette and welcome aboard.

I had it pointed out to me by a close friend that when I start talking about stuff that hurts me or remembering past physical abuse, the grittier it gets the less I say "I or me". It becomes objectified. I tend to say "Then there was a flogging" rather than "She walloped me with the belt" Even know my throat constricts when i do that. For me at least it is partly fear of disclosure, being disbelieved and feeling like my story doesn't matter. if I keep it clinical and 'clean' of the horrible words then i win in plenty of ways. i am so scared she'll find out I said it so i say it in a deflectable way. I am scared to admit she was an abuser. I am scared to think of myself as a cliched kid who got bashed about a bit. That makes me feel AWFUL about my parents. So i distance myself by not personalising it.

Ultimately it is a protective tool for me. I do on occasion say it like I feel it but that's rare.

It seems tht psychobabble ... . sorry! Psychotherapy really is a useful tool for bringing the dissociated parts of you together if that's actually what they are. I'm hesitant to think that, though because in classic dissociation, the different identities are unaware of each other. it may well have been a survival mechanism to get you through. The more you open and up and talk about your trauma the more you actually HEAR the words that you are saying then the more grasp you have on your own cognition. there's a reason 'talk' therapy works. it helps you to learn to remember without reliving the pain. If it's impossible for you to see a therapist due to your husband's stance you may find as I did relief from a trusted and sympathetic friend.

It would be worth keeping in mind that if your experiences are so traumatic that you felt the need to distance yourself from them that you would need to warn your friend and ask them if they can honestly cope with it. Therapists are trained in their own methods of coping which makes them an attractive option.

Have you considered on-line counselling or email exchange with a professional?

[clljhns]

Hi Josette,

Glad you are here! I am not a professional, so I don't feel qualified to give advice about dissociation. I wasn't sure if you meant that you have episodes of dissociating or that you are concerned that you have dissociative disorder.  I would suggest that you read the definition of dissociative disorder to see if it might fit. I am curious as to why your husband is adamantly opposed to you seeking counseling for yourself. I am sure there could be many reasons to his position, but I am wondering if he feels threatened by the possible outcome. The one thing that I have noticed about people who have major problems is that they are terrified that a professional will be able to see the truth about who they are behind the mask. Often, this insecurity keeps them from seeking help or attending counseling with a spouse. The other possibility that I am thinking of is that your husband may feel threatened by the possible outcome of you seeking help. He may be afraid that as you get healthy, you will see him through a different lens and may leave the relationship.

I would encourage you to find a professional in your area that you can see. This is for you and not husband, so he wouldn't need to attend.

Now, having said all that, let me share with you that while I have never referred to myself in the third person, I have had episodes of dissociating. I can remember a few times when I was younger  becoming so enraged that I "blacked out" and didn't remember what I said or did. I know now that this was the only way in which I felt capable of expressing anger. Anger was something that I experienced from my mother on a daily basis, so I didn't feel safe in expressing my own anger.

I will also share that expressing any emotions for me was  a difficult task for most of my life. I always felt disconnected from myself and others. It was always a challenge to identify what I was feeling at any given time. I still don't think that I have a full range of emotions, but through therapy I am healing.

I don't know if any of this helps you, but I wish you much peace and healing. 

[busybee1116]

I would guess you are distancing yourself from yourself. I learned to emotionally hide my true self and put on a mask around my uBPDm and anyone else in an attempt to please, it was easier and safer. I don't think what you're doing is dissociating, but I'm no expert.

My uBPDm dissociates when she is particularly stressed, good or bad. She's physically not in her body and either does not remember the event or remembers a very distorted/filtered version of it. My brother witnessed her talking about her memories and experience of my wedding the day after and he said it was bizarre. I got into a very in depth discussion with her a year or so ago that involved many tears and angry statements and 2 weeks later, she acted like the conversation never happened or that we had a completely different conversation. Some of that is lying/distorting, but based on how she talked about it, she does not remember most of it. So I get to have an emotional conversation with her for an hour that she will later on not remember. It's invalidating, and also taught me not to have emotions around her!