Thank You

[PhoenixRising15]

Dear Parents of Children who suffer from BPD,

I'm not sure if my ex-girlfriend, Daisy(not her real name), suffered from BPD or not.

I know it was a painful relationship for both of us, and I have many things I regret doing. 

It has been a strenuous few months, and I have strongly pulled from this community.

Reading Your stories of strength are inspiring.  They have been shining beacons of hope in the darkest times, when I cannot find any love in my heart for Daisy, which she absolutely deserves.

I know she is a wonderful woman, as are all Your children, and often she struggled with inner demons that for the love of me I felt completely powerless over as I struggled to help. In her most trying of times, she inspired me to much greater insight about myself. This seems to be a common theme of those exiting relationships with sufferers of BPD... . all of  whom have parents, namely You.

She helped me with my self esteem, my self image, my career, and ultimately led me to learn so much about myself, I will forever be in Daisy's debt, and Your debt.  I understand that it cannot be easy to suffer through many of the things that You suffer through. I understand that she would not be here if it were not for You.  I admire Your strength and courage and wisdom to learn when to walk away. 

Mostly I admire Your ability to actively show compassion for Yourselves and others in times of crisis.  That is certainly still a troublesome point for myself.

Like I said, I don't know if Daisy suffered from BPD or not.  I don't know anyone who parents someone who suffers from BPD(I'm not very social), that I can talk to and thank in person for the support I received here, reading Your stories. So I took a stretch, and I want to express my thanks here.

Thank You for continuing to get up every day and live one day at a time.

Thank You for displaying courage and wisdom in difficult situations.

Thank You for teaching me how a child should be loved.

Thank You for sharing your strength with me every day.

I appreciate these things more than any of You can really ever know.

Sincerely Yours,

Phoenix

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MammaMia]

Phoenix

We are family and we take care of each other.  We share this devastating disorder via our children, spouses, family and friends, and we truly NEED each other to survive it.

Thank YOU for the thank you.  Your kindness is very much appreciated.

[qcarolr]

Phoenix

It feels so good to be appreciated for the vulnerability I have learned being on this board. This is a family here. In my life there have been many friends of BPDDD27 that we have supported in different ways because they were there for DD. None of them lastest over time.

qcr

[PhoenixRising15]

I am glad my words fell on kind ears.  I didn't mean to intrude on this board.

In my life there have been many friends of BPDDD27 that we have supported in different ways because they were there for DD. None of them lastest over time.

qcr,

Are you willing to elaborate on this?

[hopeangel]

Pheonix,

You are most definitely not intruding, I think any words of appreciation for us here will go a long way, us parents carry a heavy load of guilt, mostly undeserved however there all the same.  This can be compounded by careless comments from outsiders who do not know of our struggles and our own pain. We are starving for reassurance and validation sometimes and then a kind soul like yourself recognizes us for who we really are!

The fact that you took a minute to stop by and say such kind words to us says a lot about you as a person! 

Thank you right back and I hope you find peace for yourself!

[peaceplease]

PhoenixRising,

  Thanks for stopping by with the appreciation post to parents. 

Wishing you peace and happiness.

[qcarolr]

I am glad my words fell on kind ears.  I didn't mean to intrude on this board.

In my life there have been many friends of BPDDD27 that we have supported in different ways because they were there for DD. None of them lastest over time.

qcr,

Are you willing to elaborate on this?

I started to write a response that was turning into a dramatic novel - deleted. Most of the friends that have lived in our home over the years have expressed gratitude for the encouragement we gave them while they were here. I believe that DD was very jealous of the attention we gave to these friends at times. All her r/s have ended badly, often with domestic violence and lots of police involvement starting when she was 17.

DD was dx BPD at age 23. She had many other dx over the years starting at age 4 (ADHD, bipolar, anxeity, depression, panic, ODD... . ) Also severe non-verbal learning disability created lots of failure for her everywhere in her life. Strong contributor, IMHO, to mental health issues which contributed to her slide into drug use as a teen.

We allowed girlfriend to be at our home more than her home starting in middle school. This gave us a break from the high level of emotional neediness from DD. We were very tired by this time. They parted ways when 14 and gf went to different high school then got pregnant. Was off/on relationship over the years.

At 15 had first "bf" - transsexual girl that lived in our home for 6 months until this r/s ended badly. I was relieved DD could not get pregnant in this r/s. After that she lived with bf for 6 months at age 17. Then gd's daddy lived with us during DD's pregnancy and a year after that (he was in jail a good part of the time after her birth - stupid when drunk). Gd was born just after DD's 19th bday. Then new bf lived with us - then a couple other friends were here for a month until the 4 of them got an apt. That lasted about 2 months. Then Dd was pregnant again. They married after baby born - gs in foster care at 5 months then adopted by foster parents later. GS daddy was deported during this time. Then DD lived with another bf for a month til kicked out, then new bf that lived with us a couple months til big fight (we kicked them both out earlier that evening) and both ended up in jail. DD not allowed back in our home for 20 months - she lived homeless with another bf. Then we have allowed 2 other bf's in our home -- DD just kept showing up with them over and over. We were worn out. Until things just got too terrible and dangerous last year. Dd will not be living in our home again. This is hard. She just refused to not have bf's here.

We kept ourselves in a constant state of denial about all the drug use that most likely started at about 16. DD will be 29 this month. She is doing OK in a work release program as part of a nine month jail sentence - she failed probation over and over. DUI and harrassment charges over past couple years.

It has been quite a ride. Learned so much here and in therapy to overcome our enabling and enmeshed r/s with her. Her severe learning disability contributed to this greatly - always puzzling about what she could do and what she needed help with. We are doing better an better. She is doing OK for now. No new bf yet, though she is addicted to guys as part of her BPD profile.

Better quit now. Need to put gd to bed. She has ADHD, PTSD but no learning disability so far.

qcr

[co.jo]

Phoenix,

Your post has made me cry more than any other. Thank you so much for the acknowledgement of how difficult our journey is. I hope my daughter's partner will have such understanding some day.

Your words were a gift to me on a day that has been very sad. After putting in so many years trying to help and support , my daughter has decided I cannot be part of her life any more.I know she will follow through. That is this illness.

You sound like an awesome human being, and I hope for you a healthy relationship with someone easier. But it sounds like you really tried to love one of "our" children. I am grateful there are people who are able to see beyond the illness to the person inside.

Thank you for taking the time for the thank you we will probably never get from our children.

[Pizzas123]

Phoenix,

Thank you so much for such a kind post.  I beat myself up almost every day for what I didn't do, or could have done but didn't, with my daughter.  It has been such a hard journey. Sometimes I want to give up.  Your words gave me encouragement.  Thank you.

[PhoenixRising15]

You are all most certainly welcome.

Your replies were heartbreaking.

It's hard for me to respond.

Thank you all for your kind words.

co.jo, I struggle to see the potential for my actions to positively impact others. It's very difficult for me to see myself in a positive light. Hearing that someone hopes their daughter's partner has some of my traits validates me so strongly, it is overwhelming. It's what I always wanted in my relationship with Daisy, and that is not who I got to be in her life. I wanted to be someone she was proud to bring home. 

Thank you.

QCR, thank you for sharing your story with me.  I understand it is not always easy to share my life history, and I appreciate you opening yours up to me.

I was afraid you were going to say how terrible your daughter's friends were. I was afraid that I represented those friends who left your daughter, and you were upset and triggered by my post.

I knew Daisy had friends her mother was not particularly fond of, and I tried desperately not to be one of them. I don't know what her mother thinks of me.  I wouldn't think particularly highly of me.  Her daughter was under a lot of stress while we dated, and she was unhappy for a good while.

I don't mean to pry, and I would welcome a response from anyone, but do you lose respect for someone who comes back into your child's life after your child tells you that they are a terrible, hurtful person?  My parents were not really suited to answer this question, and I would appreciate feedback from parents I trust.

I understand fundamentally that this is about me, and that I want to have the self confidence to engage with all others regardless of what people think.

After my first few breakups, I just never knew what to say to Daisy's mother.  It was always a source of shame, and I apologized each time I saw her in person, because they were not nice breakups.

Pizzas, you are welcome and thank you for your words of encouragement!

Peace, Hope, and Mamma, thank you for the kind welcome!

[qcarolr]

I don't mean to pry, and I would welcome a response from anyone, but do you lose respect for someone who comes back into your child's life after your child tells you that they are a terrible, hurtful person?  My parents were not really suited to answer this question, and I would appreciate feedback from parents I trust.

There are a couple of her guys that I would not welcome back. They had worse mental health and/or drug issues that DD and had very toxic impact on her. I am praying diligently for her to find some new friends in her current program that are sincere about changing their lives along with her.  I am trying to take it a day at a time - not projecting into the future.

There are some guys that keep coming back - no longer in our home though. DD is hopeful it will last. They are just as troubled as she is and it falls apart within a few weeks now. She is under lots of stress with her legal issues. The dad's  of each of her two kids (A and J) who send letters or call for her but cannot return to our state; her protector when she was first living homeless V who wants to be there until he gets messed up on meth - he is currently in jail on burglary charges; and G who is in jail for assaulting DD when both were high on meth and she was trying to push him out of her life.

It is hard for me to take sides you see. I care about all of them as human beings trying the best they an in impossible lives. I have experienced DD's rages so can understand the intensity of this in her romantic r/s's. I do not hold it against anyone - DD or her bf's - at this point in my life. I am just very very sad that it is so hard and painful for all of them.

You sound like a very caring guy who did the best you could in a r/s that most likely could not last over time if Daisy was untreated for her BPD.  It is very very hard to maintain a r/s in the face of the black/white cycling of a BPD relationship.

It takes an immense amount of work for someone with BPD to commit to the long-term treatment needed to stabalize their life. Often there is a lot of denial and blaming of others -- this is part of the BPD traits. It can be done, and family support is an essential part of the formula. Being a spouse or bf/gf takes a lot of commitment.

PhoenixRising -- be kind to yourself. May posting this thread in such a vulnerable and open way lead to healing for you. You are worthy, your feelings matter, and we care about you too.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pizzas123]

As you say, qcarolr, there are some I would welcome back, and others, NOT.  I feel my daughter's estranged husband was not equipped to handle her issues, and was so confused as to how to please her.  Sometimes she was happy with him, and then, crash, he was the worst person ever.  I have experienced her rages, so I know he must have, also, and so my husband and I do not blame him for finally walking away.  Too bad, because he is essentially a very good person, who just didn't know how to handle our daughter.  We took much of the bad that my daughter had to say about her husband with a grain of salt.

So I am sure, Pheonix, if your girlfriend's mother is honestly looking at the situation, she will understand and not judge you in a bad way.