painted grey

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My ex BPDgf (she is diagnosed but my T is absolutely sure about it) texted me 2 weeks ago because I had some serious health problems. I still dont know how she learned. Her message was really cold. She basically said that she heard what happened to me and hope I get better soon. I was a bit mad. Some of my other exes called me and even one came to visit me. My exBPD used to tell me all the time that I was the man of her life (I recently found a birthday card she wrote me 2 weeks before dumping me where she was suggesting we should get married) and 4 months after our break up, I almost died and she barely sent me a text message. I didnt answer to her text.

Last time we spoke was late february when I tried to confront her about her lies, manipulation and drama she put me through our 3 years RS. The line broke up. I tried to callback she never answered. She gave me lame excuses like: You are 28 (she is 22) and people tell you what you want to hear (her family told me about most of her lies after the break up).

I texted her today to tell her if she still wants some of the stuff she left at my house. I asked her when she was available. Our schedule were not compatible. She said she was super busy. I told her to text me a few weeks when she clears out her schedule and to have a great day. She texts me later and says that she cleared out her schedule for this sunday. She asked me how long do I need for the meeting? I replied that I didnt understand her question. She said that she wanted to talk to me to make sure we leave our problems behind and that she wants to keep a good memory of us. I first suggested that she comes to pick up her stuff at my house but she said that we should meet for a coffee because she is scared that we start arguing if she comes to my house. I agreed to meet her for coffee. She never asked about how I m doing knowing that I am still sick.

She dumped me because she claimed that my family didn t like her because she was a different nationality. Later, I found out that my parent started to notice that she was a liar (she had problems with my sisters) and a drama queen. Also, my aunt was visiting me from abroad once a year for 2 months. She was staying at my house where my ex gf moved in with me. I was providing everything food, housing, restaurant. She never payed a single dime. My aunt, when she was at my house, was doing everything (cooking, laundry, cleaning). The day my aunt walked in the house. My ex started hating her for no valid reason (one day she got mad because my aunt unplugged her computer because she was cleaning). She gave me an ultimatum about her visiting. She even added that if one day we have children she doesnt want my aunt to get close to them. She was getting mad because my aunt would sit besides me when I watch tv or would give me a hug once in a while.

I am a bit confused right now and I have no idea how to react in front of her. I still have so many questions about stuff (lies,manipulation,drama) she did during our r/s but on the other hand I miss her a lot. I really dont have any idea about what to expect from this meeting. Is meeting her a good idea? Am I painted white again or she just want to make sure that she is still controlling me? (I suspect that she is with a replacement).

[dzstyle]

My ex BPDgf (she is diagnosed but my T is absolutely sure about it) texted me 2 weeks ago because I had some serious health problems. I still dont know how she learned. Her message was really cold. She basically said that she heard what happened to me and hope I get better soon. I was a bit mad. Some of my other exes called me and even one came to visit me. My exBPD used to tell me all the time that I was the man of her life (I recently found a birthday card she wrote me 2 weeks before dumping me where she was suggesting we should get married) and 4 months after our break up, I almost died and she barely sent me a text message. I didnt answer to her text.

Last time we spoke was late february when I tried to confront her about her lies, manipulation and drama she put me through our 3 years RS. The line broke up. I tried to callback she never answered. She gave me lame excuses like: You are 28 (she is 22) and people tell you what you want to hear (her family told me about most of her lies after the break up).

I texted her today to tell her if she still wants some of the stuff she left at my house. I asked her when she was available. Our schedule were not compatible. She said she was super busy. I told her to text me a few weeks when she clears out her schedule and to have a great day. She texts me later and says that she cleared out her schedule for this sunday. She asked me how long do I need for the meeting? I replied that I didnt understand her question. She said that she wanted to talk to me to make sure we leave our problems behind and that she wants to keep a good memory of us. I first suggested that she comes to pick up her stuff at my house but she said that we should meet for a coffee because she is scared that we start arguing if she comes to my house. I agreed to meet her for coffee. She never asked about how I m doing knowing that I am still sick.

She dumped me because she claimed that my family didn t like her because she was a different nationality. Later, I found out that my parent started to notice that she was a liar (she had problems with my sisters) and a drama queen. Also, my aunt was visiting me from abroad once a year for 2 months. She was staying at my house where my ex gf moved in with me. I was providing everything food, housing, restaurant. She never payed a single dime. My aunt, when she was at my house, was doing everything (cooking, laundry, cleaning). The day my aunt walked in the house. My ex started hating her for no valid reason (one day she got mad because my aunt unplugged her computer because she was cleaning). She gave me an ultimatum about her visiting. She even added that if one day we have children she doesnt want my aunt to get close to them. She was getting mad because my aunt would sit besides me when I watch tv or would give me a hug once in a while.

I am a bit confused right now and I have no idea how to react in front of her. I still have so many questions about stuff (lies,manipulation,drama) she did during our r/s but on the other hand I miss her a lot. I really dont have any idea about what to expect from this meeting. Is meeting her a good idea? Am I painted white again or she just want to make sure that she is still controlling me? (I suspect that she is with a replacement).

[woodsposse]

 

Let me ask you a direct question.

What do you want?

Do you want to be with someone who lies, manipulates, cheats on you?  Is that love?  or do you want someone to treat you with the dignity, respect and love which you deserve?

And the person I'm referring to is yourself?

If you think you deserve diginity and respect and love - then why would you purposefully want another person who treats you the exact opposite?

Hard question... . I know - but that is my way of saying that your happiness starts and ends with you.

this is by no way saying or suggesting to not do (or be with) anything you want.  But I would suggest asking yourself those questions above and really look at the answers.

The disorder is difficult - but what we "do to ourselves" is something wholly and completely different (if not worse). 

[Jb101]

My experience (and I'm not good at taking my own advice) is that it will be about her - she wants some sort of feeling.

It may not be possible to give her that, and she will quite likely paint you black if she doesn't get it. It's so hard, because you probably feel like maybe you want the contact, and to see how it goes. They don't. They want whatever feeling it is, and that's all it is to them.

I've tried very hard to make things work with a girl like this, but at the end of the day, reducing interactions to 'what is it she needs to feel' kills the natural interaction and makes you feel crap. Worse, she, on some level knows if you start doing this without being incredibly careful... . and gets angry... .

In the same position, I meet her. But history tells me it ends in her getting upset and painting me black. Which in a weird way makes moving on harder. I think as men we are programmed to be problem solvers, and try to fix what we think is wrong. But BPD is sometimes to big to fix, and though I didn't make it - I think a massive journey.

[dzstyle]

I finally went for coffee with her. As expected, it was all about her. She still puts the blame on me for the r/s failing. She told me that the last few months of the r/s I was not giving her as much attention as she used to have, not telling her that I loved her enough (most of this stuff is completely wrong. it s crazy the way the have to present facts that even if you are sure that they never happened, they re going to pretend that it is the truth). I told her that if what she was saying was true, me starting to distance myself, I would have left her and not the other way around. She said she started distancing herself by the end of the summer (she left me in december). I asked her why she wrote on my birthday card (november) that I am the man of her life and she would love me forever and wants to have kids with me. She answered: it is just a card. It doesnt mean anything.  She also went on and on with multiple lies about what was going on in her life. Then, she told me that the only reason she broke up with me was that I was stubborn regarding my aunt visiting. She said she didnt want anyone to stay for a long period at my house. In the past, we had came to an agreement that my aunt would never stay more than 2 months. Then, before the break up, she wanted to bargain this. I didnt want to change my mind as we already came to an agreement before. She added that if I would have agreed for one month. We would still be together right now. I asked her about the fact that she detached so quick. She said that she is cold-hearted and she moves on quick.

I told her also about all the things I found out after the r/s (her lies, manipulation, talking in my back). She just barely apologized and changed subject pretty quick.

We chatted for about 1 hour. Besides talking about the r/s, I really didnt find any subject of conversation with her. It was like that now that I know who she really is. It is hard for me to treat her otherwise than a mentally sick person.

This meeting showed that this person didnt change at all. I was also surprised that I didnt find her as attractive as I used to. The only bad point is that I ruminated all night about all the things she told me. It is just really hard for me to put everything about her in a folder and just stop thinking about it.

[coolioqq]

My experience (and I'm not good at taking my own advice) is that it will be about her - she wants some sort of feeling.

This made my day bro . Self-awareness is the key to all healing. I'd say you're doing just fine. And you're spot on about her intentions. With my dBPDexgf, she made our post-NC (NC on my end) communication sound like she is remorseful and cares about me. If you read it carefully, it was all about her. How dare I not give her my time and myself? It's like I owe it to her regardless of her (lack of) love for me... . It's worth even paying to get out. I have no bad feelongs anymore though - I just let it go.