The coming storm

[chayka]

I've posted a couple of times about the decision to change my first name.

Just to recap, I've always hated my first name, but didn't really know why. A couple of years ago, I realized that my mum has undiagnosed BPD, and a heck of a lot of things started falling into place.

I began having flashbacks to my childhood, and one of the things that became clear to me was that my first name had very frequently been used by my mum as part of verbal abuse and as a means of controlling me.

I'd always wanted to change my name, but didn't feel confident enough. However, as soon as I recognized that it was an abuse issue, I determined to go ahead and do it.

I've now chosen a new name that I like very much.

In the last few months, I've been telling selected friends about it in confidence. They have all been incredibly supportive, and I've felt very moved by their kindness, especially as I couldn't always share the full story about why I'm doing it, because not all of them know about my mum's BPD or my painful childhood.

So now it's crunch time. Yesterday I posted a letter to my mum to let her know that I'm changing my name. There is nothing confrontational or blaming in it (I hope). I've tried to make it clear that this is not something I'm doing to deliberately hurt her, and that I still care about her very much.

The letter may arrive today or tomorrow, and I will be speaking to her about it on the phone soon, if all goes according to plan.

I expect her reaction to be extreme. She knows that I hate my name, but has always been strongly against my changing it. I think on some level she will feel that she is losing control, and will view it as a form of rejection.

My aim is to somehow try to continue the relationship with my mum, such as it is. So I will need to navigate the verbal attacks, emotional blackmail etc etc very skilfully in order not to get drawn in. I want to express compassion for her, as know she'll find it painful, but I also need to be compassionate towards myself, so I don't intend to let her rage at and abuse me. If she decides to cut off contact for a while, I'll just have to accept that.

Please wish me luck as I enter the gates of hell!    Any words of advice, encouragement or support would be gratefully accepted.

Chayka

[chayka]

Oh, did I say I'm feeling pretty terrified at the moment? I am.  :'(

[supergirl2]

If you are older, out of the house etc, I would have her continue to call you by your first name because it has negative associations and it sounds like your mom may have been the one who caused these negative associations?

If the association with the name and the abuse is so strong, you wouldn't want her to negatively influence your association with your new name too.

I also want to add that it's extremely strong and independent to change your name. That's no small step and a definite shedding of your old past. I would never have the guts to act on it, but I have dreamed about using my middle name rather than my first name some day to also shed the negative association, but I don't have the guts to actually do it past the age of 12 when a name is still subject to change.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, chayka,

I can understand why you are feeling anxious. It usually helps me to have a plan ready for how I am going to handle it if the things I'm worried about happen.

For instance, suppose your mother rings and begins to verbally attack you--what will you do?

I like to brush up on TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth and BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence, too.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[chayka]

Thanks, Supergirl2 and P.F. Change - your replies really helped!

So... . the letter arrived, my mum read it and I talked to her on the phone. And, would you believe it, she was pretty okay about me changing my name! What the... . ? 

I mean, she said she was a bit upset, made a couple of unpleasant remarks, and that was it. I've spoken to her twice since then, and it's still okay.

I'd prepared in all sorts of ways: revising skills from my BPD books, writing scripts to help me deal with various kinds of challenge (extreme verbal abuse, suicide threats etc) and asking friends to pray for me.

In the end, it felt like I'd been expecting to be mauled by a Bengal tiger and instead got scratched by a kitten!

I've had much, much worse reactions from her about less important things than this.

I've been reflecting on why this might have happened, and have a few ideas, but mostly I'm just very relieved, and can now get on with the job of changing my name, without having to worry about dealing with an ongoing crisis.

Yeeeaaah! 

Thanks again for your help, guys. 

Chayka

[chayka]

Oh, and you know what was REALLY weird? One of the first things my mum said to me was: "I didn't even know you didn't like your first name. You never told me." 

What?

I first told her when I was a kid at primary (elementary) school, and it was a frequent bone of contention between us from then onwards. She often brought up the subject first. "Why don't you like your name? It's such a lovely name!"

We certainly continued talking about it on and off throughout my teens, twenties and maybe early thirties. I hadn't mentioned it in recent years because I didn't think there was anything more to say about it, and also because I've learned better techniques for dealing with my mum's behaviour, so I don't start discussions about things that will only cause problems.

That's just soo strange. I've known her to have quite bad memory problems before, and I suspect that the BPD is responsible for somehow wiping out memories she'd rather not have. But this one really takes the prize!

Chayka

[twogrey]

In a similar vein ... . every time I have to say my name, I hear it come out of my mouth in my mother's voice.  Kind of a needy, whiney voice.  Very strange.

[StarStruck]

Hi chayka - Just want to say congratulations and it's not a small feat to take on Gozer. Onwards and upwards! SS x