Help me with my BPD fiancé (female)

[AlmostBroken]

I came across this website after multiple failed attempts at solving my relationship issues and found it to be a wealth of useful information. This is my first post and I would like to introduce my situation to the fellow members.

I am a 37 year-old male, who is engaged to a 31 year-old female who I know suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. I recognize the traits of Borderline Personality Disorder because my ex-wife suffered from it, as well as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (perhaps I attract these women).

I have been with my fiancé for two years. She is undiagnosed and we are currently seeing our third relationship therapist. Our current relationship therapist is passive and fails to address the obvious underlying cause of our relationship issues.

I have a great career and make a comfortable six figure income. My fiancé doesn't make much money at her office job. I pay for the mortgage, all utility bills, and for 75% of the groceries. I pay for all of our trips, shopping, and entertainment too. I've paid off her debts and medical bills more than once since we've met and I allow her mother to live with us for free. My fiancé accuses me of not supporting her.

The first three months of our relationship were blissful and full of passion. The sex was non-stop and she was the one who initiated our first encounter. She was my soulmate, best friend, and lover. I felt so alive with her as I was finalizing my previous divorce. Three months into our relationship, she started snooping through my email accounts and text messages, which was a complete violation of my boundaries. Her previous men cheated on her, so of course, I was cheating too (completely unfounded).

I was in the process of sorting out my child custody and sale of the home I shared with me ex-wife. Communication with my ex-wife was unavoidable and I felt violated that my fiancé (new girlfriend at the time) was snooping through my emails to her, which were all business-related. To this day, my fiancé believes that I carried on a relationship with my ex-wife while we dated (NOT TRUE).

For the past two years, I've watched my fiancé go through mood swings and extended periods of dysregulation. I record her daily moods on a calendar in my phone and she's completely dysregulated for 15-20 days out of every month. It is unbearable and all major occasions (holidays, birthdays, anniversaries) are the roughest times.

We bought a home together in December 2013, in which I paid all the escrow fees, down payment, and closing costs. I also spent $7,500 on new stainless steel appliances when we moved in four days before Christmas. I was accused of not doing anything special for her for Christmas.

I am very affectionate, attentive, and loving. I surprise her with romantic gestures constantly. I send flowers/balloons to her job and I write poetry and make hand-made greeting cards for her. I take her to the most expensive restaurants in the city. I've treated her to weekends at expensive resorts. I even took her to Hawaii for seven days last year. Like I mentioned before, I pay for almost all of our living expenses. She is ungrateful and accuses me of not doing anything special for her.

I have a new Camaro that I bought in June 2013 with my own money. I work hard for my money and I've always had nice cars. I am 37 years-old and we've only been together for two years. She wanted me to buy a mini-van for myself (not my style and never will be). She loves to see me suffer and enjoys my distress.

Lately, my car is the trigger for her dysregulation. We are attempting to plan the wedding that I will have to pay for. I have no family and will have less than 15 people attend. She has a huge Mexican family and plans to invite over 150 of her family members and friends. She also wants children with me, but I had a vasectomy a few years ago that will cost me $8,500 to reverse.

She demands to be married within the next year and has told me that she wants our wedding to cost no less than $25,000. She also demanded to be pregnant soon after ($8,500). Somehow, I'll have to come up with over $33,000 this year.

I am constantly accused of being a liar, cheater, and she tells me that I'm selfish and the worst man she's ever been with. She appears to live in a different reality and has violent rages as well. I've been cut several times and she always denies that it happened the next day. I had photo evidence.

She has smashed things, destroyed gifts that I bought her, and once threw a $2,800 ring out of the window on the freeway because I emailed my ex-wife about a change in schedule. She hates that I have any contact with my ex-wife. It's absurd and immature (I have two daughters with her).

She has been withholding sex for the past few months and treats me like a pervert whenever I try to initiate it. I am in very good shape and a good-looking man who has no trouble attracting women. I don't understand why I'm sexually rejected.

The verbal attacks, gaslighting, emotional bullying, unreasonable expectations, and unpredictable responses are wearing me down and I don't know how much more I can take. The constant chaos, emotional blackmail, rejection, and isolation are destroying my self worth.

She gave me an ultimatum recently; either chose my Camaro or chose her. It makes no sense. My Camaro doesn't cause me any money issues and is a representation of my happiness. I am a car enthusiast and getting rid of my car wouldn't even help finance our wedding.

Having a mini-van instead of my Camaro would cost me the same money. She's trying to strong-arm me and control me. Our therapist does nothing to help and I'm running out of help. I am open to any suggestions here.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bajaloverz]

It rarely will get better.

I was in your position as well, coming up on my 1 year anniversary soon.

She has you wrapped around her.  You know it , so that is one positive.

Therapy can help if she wants it, but it will take time.

Nothing will change quick.  She will go back to her ways eventually.

Sorry for being no help.

[ziniztar]

Wow, I feel for you. That sounds like a lot of demands that you're dealing with.

What helped me to understand my situation the most were these:

The Drama Triangle (Karpman): https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108384.0

Staying 101: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=221022.0

It's up to you to decide what you do with all the new knowledge. A lot of these tools really help. I really like the phrase "before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse"...

Also, take care of yourself, cutting you and other violent behaviour is a big  and should not be tolerated!

Oh, and a personal note from what I read between the lines. It is obvious you earn enough money and support her in a financial way, the numbers are there. The romantic gestures are obvisouly well intended. Yet I wonder what happens when you start looking beyond her demands and listen to what is behind it (validation is key there).

Good luck 

[WalrusGumboot]

Holy cow, AlmostBroken. Take it from someone who used to be married to someone similar for 23 years. I made multiple six figures, and it wasn't nearly enough. You will have to change your screen name to AlmostBroke soon!

You are in a very serious situation. Take the non-stop sex away. Take her looks and anything physical away for the moment and look at your relationship. Pretend for a moment you don't even know about BPD.

You have lavished her with everything a normal woman would want. Gifts on top of romantic gestures (are they from your heart now, or did it become just to please her because she is expecting it?). I'm assuming you are true and kind to her.

In return you are being disrespected and strong-armed. Don't expect it to stop when you say "I Do". In most cases, like mine, it gets worse.

I would consider stopping all wedding plans so that you can decide where you want this relationship to go and see if there is cooperation in your T sessions.

Be wise and not fearful.

As a side note, there are a lot of dollars and cents mentioned in your post. I am divorced now, seeing a lovely woman who is normal and watches her pennies. I don't kill myself at work to make the big bucks and settled for significantly less. I am much, Much, MUCH happier. Being with a pwBPD like you are (and I was) who place emphasis on status and money, the making of money and thoughts about money will preoccupy your mind, because you will constantly think there won't be enough to satisfy her. Not that there is anything inherently wrong about money, but it is just a means to LIVE. You are not living now. I know I wasn't back then.

[Wrongturn1]

AlmostBroken,

First of all, welcome to the forums.  I'm swamped with work today, so I'll have to keep it short:

1) Her cutting you or physically abusing you in any way is unacceptable and has got to stop.  Speak to someone at your local police department about their procedures for domestic violence calls and be prepared to call 911 the next time she gets physical with you.  (The verbal abuse is also unacceptable, but I'm keeping my list here to just 3 items.)

2) Absolutely do not reverse your vasectomy.  Your fiance is mentally ill and still won't be happy if you give her children (just ask around here if things got better for people after they had kids).  Also, she would be toxic and harmful to any children she has by you or anyone else.

3) I LOL'd when I saw the bit about her wanting you to get rid of your Camaro and get a mini-van!     If you scrap the Camaro, guess what - she will still be mentally ill and will find some other thing to give you a hard time about.  Keep your car!

[gotbushels]

Wow these are such great responses. Thanks guys for posting to AlmostBroken's post. They're helpful to me too  

AlmostBroken, it sounds like you've done a ton for this woman.

I also don't think any amount of gifts or money in the long run is going to stop all the terrible things she seems to be doing to you and your relationship. I feel I gave up a lot for my fiancee, so did a lot of other people I look up to. Yet, I didn't have her showing really substantial 'improvement' until I brought in BPD-specific resources to help us.

A fiancee who is 'completely dysregulated' 15-20 days per month would be really intolerable for me. I don't care if she's Miss Universe. Personally I would really not be looking for that amount of dysregulation in a marriage. IMHO that's a little ridiculous. She would need to have saved the Pope or been reawarded Mother Teresa's Nobel prize. Or something. 15-20 days is 50-67% of my life doing damage control. I would not trust a woman like that at all with any children let alone my own.

I would consider going to a T who has specific BPD training and a track-record. I think finding a proper T would make a really big difference. $2,800 can buy a lot of hours with a P or T that can make a much bigger difference than a ring. I've read of really ineffective Ts who have facilitated toward ruined marriages. Imagine spending all that money and time on some effective therapy instead of resort vacations or houses. I think the impact would be so much bigger.

After 1 week at the correct therapy, imagine potentially having her coming home and discussing with you how she can help her anger issues. Would you rather have that or go on a 1 week resort vacation, which I bet she destroys with a temper tantrum, coming home, complaining you're "not doing anything special for her" and cutting you?

I say this with respect to you and I'm saying I can relate. I've been in a similar situation with an extremely expensive ring (I'm not even earning 6 figures by the way), intense vacations, and physical abuse. I had photo evidence. Until it got deleted.

I kind of died a little imagining losing a Camaro over this.

EDIT: p.s. I would definitely find a way of colluding with a T or P with BPD training to get her into treatment. Go with her if you need to. I don't know of 'good ways' that people have done, but I'm sure they're out there in a book somewhere. I don't think you should bring up BPD at all. She sounds like the type that would smash you out of the park for suggesting she get BPD therapy.

[HopefulDad]

Holy smokes!  Being a spectrum disorder, I guess this kind of fits:  That's a lot of BPD!

But let's take a step back for a second and focus on the vasectomy/kids issue.  Even in relationships without any mental health issues of any kind, this "kids vs. no kids" compatibility is a BIG DEAL.  Not seeing eye to eye on this can very much be a deal breaker in most all relationships.  And if there is a switch on this by either of you, it has to be genuine or else resentment will build and fester.  Don't reverse the vasectomy unless you truly want to have children with her.  And if she changes her mind, how will you know if it's genuine?  Maybe she does it out of fear of abandonment.

My point is you have a GIANT red flag in getting married that goes beyond her obvious PD.  Don't lose sight of that.

[Love Is Not Enough]

We share many similarities. Age, income, BPD experiences and ex-wife. No kids with my ex though thank goodness. I managed to pick those up with my current uBPDgf. I love her kids very much and this is why I have made it as far as I have in the relationship.

I'll demystify a few issues you are dealing with.

The issue you are experiencing with counseling was the same for me. Our counselor was terrified of her and never took a stand on anything. I think I did it just to have some sort of validation for what I was dealing with. Of course I never got it. At this stage in your fiance's recovery (which is currently 0) it is not appropriate and will get you nowhere. It may provide some help later on IF she chooses therapy and improves. Significantly. My gf may be getting to that point after 6 months of therapy and meds, but I think I will hold off for awhile and just continue working the tools from this site.

You do/pay for too much. If she is to ever improve she will have to learn how to take care of herself and be responsible. Consider setting boundaries about not bailing her out anymore financially.

Yes, the idealization period (your first 3 months) was amazing. Somehow I managed to get 6 months. It was AMAZING! That will never return. That was not reality. Letting go of that idea is important to moving forward. Radical acceptance is your best friend.

The snooping/accusations will most likely continue for a very long time. Consider that she is projecting her own behavior onto you. Also consider that her previous partners may have never cheated on her. Most of what she has told you about them is probably false. It's all driven by their fear of abandonment and emptiness. Think about how frightening that must be for them. My gf has improved substantially, but the accusations continue and really beginning to hinder our progress. Hopefully it will get better as she gets deeper into therapy.

I like both the Camaro and the minivan   so that would not be an issue with me, but I believe she wants you to get a minivan because it would represent to her that you want to start a family. You have already made the decision not to and she should accept that. This will also be something I will have to deal with very soon as my gf wants to have a child with me. Which is not going to happen. BPD rage at a 2 year old is not something you want to see. Trust me  :'(

She is withholding sex to control you. If you will perform like a good little monkey then maybe she will provide you with a treat. All that amazing sex at the beginning was the bait on her hook. You might be able to rekindle it from time to time during a short burst of idealization, but most likely it will never return.

Yes, she is destroying you. You can't even begin to imagine how much worse it can get. Just read some of the horror stories on here. Mine pales in comparison to some and I came very close to suffering a complete physical and mental breakdown.

My life completely changed when my gf physically attacked me and threatened to call the cops on me. I separated from her for a few days and set a very firm boundary that if anything ever happened like that again I would leave and never return. I also used the incident to get her to commit to therapy. I found my self-confidence at the age of 35 and took a firm stand for myself. I fully accepted that I could lose my relationship with her and my children. This gave me the strength to enforce my boundary. Things have been improving everyday since. It is far from perfect, but there have been no major dysregulations since. Maybe I just got lucky. Maybe she was just ready for the change. I don't know. All I do know is that now I feel a million times better, I sleep at night and I am NO LONGER AFRAID.

You have received a lot of advice about getting her into therapy. While this would probably improve the situation, you cannot make her go or fix her. Start by working on yourself. You now realize your past relationships were similar to this. Why? More importantly, how do you fix YOURSELF now? Forget about her. Step out of the drama. Learn the tools on here and do not engage in her games. Next time she cuts you, leave and do not come back without setting a firm boundary. Your safety is paramount. Your current situation will continue down the same path until YOU change it. There is nothing to motivate change in her because she is comfortable where she is. She has someone who will play games with her, pay for everything and take all the abuse she can dish out. Why would she change?

Please consider delaying the wedding. Take some time to work on yourself and figure this out.

You are seriously stressed out. What is something nice you can do for yourself today?