FB and uDIL

[Peaceful Life]

OK, I could use some advice about FB. My uDIL is hurting again. I have been put back in the perpetrator spot. Now, I don't know what I have done yet... . I was really sick over the winter and so did not have as much contact with her... . I have been in contact since then but something has happened again. The 'proverbial other shoe' has dropped. I have a FB page to stay in contact with my family. It's so wonderful to see pictures of kids and hear about all the happenings. However, this uDIL uses it to hurt people. She has posted a few of my grandchildren now and I want to know... . Is it good to make comments when she is in this hurting mode? Usually she will act like I have said nothing, which is fine... I just want to know if it is a good thing even if she is hurting and I am the bad mom again. Thank you for all your wisdom!   

[Peaceful Life]

So... . I am making little comments on the pictures. It will either go one way or the other. I hate to think of her being in so much pain and at the same time I am so sick of the cruelty... . I just have to be me and be loving no matter what 

[P.F.Change]

Social media can be tricky to navigate even when there are not personality disorders in the mix. The internet is a place where not everyone agrees on proper etiquette, things are interpreted differently than intended, other things are said that may not otherwise be said face-to-face... . in short, it is easy for people to get their feelings hurt. I can understand why you are concerned about possibly triggering your DIL.

I just have to be me and be loving no matter what 

I think you've come to a good conclusion there.  Live your values, be kind and compassionate, and understand that you can't control someone else's reaction.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[cpatlew]

Dear Peaceful life,

I read your post and can so identify with it. My BPDIL uses Facebook constantly to hurt and take jabs at us with the grandchildren. She will not acknowledge us on it for any good just to call names. We have wanted to defriend her but know that it will send her into a rage. Keep hoping she will defriend us. But she won't! She loves to stalk us too much. We decided to deactivate for our own peace of mind. This also sent her into a rage and according to other family members she started the name calling and her family got in to it also. I believe FB is just another tool BP's use to manipulate and create their chaos. I miss seeing pictures of my grandchildren but also know I can't change the horrible things she keeps calling us. The hard part is that they will be all sugary sweet to other members of your family and the rages, etc. are usually camouflaged. Mine posts the hateful things then deletes when she thinks she has made her point. Not smart enough to know that we print each and every insult quickly before she deletes. Just remember you are not along and the only thing we can do is continue to live our lives the best we can and hope someday that all the misery and hatefulness will disappear.

I wish for you peace and happiness,

cpatlew

[Peaceful Life]

Thank you P.F.Change and cpatlew,

It is wonderful to have people who understand what you're going through. I love my FB account because I get to see all my family from all over. We don't care if someone doesn't "Like" something or doesn't get back to us right away. We are all busy, confident, secure and happy people. So the past nine years have been a roller coaster ride we had no idea we were buying a ticket for. At first we listened, loved and gave her a lot of attention. Too much attention. I don't think any of us quite knew what to do. So we backed it down to what we are used to. This, of course, does not match her illness. Sometimes we have to send love to surround our loved ones but not have them in our close circle of relationships. Her whole family play this game and so they are experts in a game I have no interest in learning how to play. We will always let our son know how much we love them and are here if he needs some help, but I am not interested in having her close to me or my other younger teens until she gets some therapy. These are what we talked about before with them. I told her I don't want anyone in my close circle who is unkind and prone to blowing up in a rage about anything. She understood those limits for a very short time. She has shown us she does not want to be close. Whether that will change again some day... . who knows... . Thanks for being here my friends 

Peaceful Life