Feeling misrepresented is the biggest thing I am struggling with

[sillyhead]

I am new to the board.

Someone asked what my biggest struggle is. And this is it - feeling slandered.

It constantly goes over and over and over in my head that I KNOW that I was a caring, Loving, empathetic, understanding girlfriend who put up with so much. Before he left, I made a conscious decision to ignore his digs and critisisms. I knew he was suffering from anxiety, and anxiety about his feelings for me. I didnt want to keep pointing out the negatives because I thought this may hinder the process of us getting back to the "good us" (we were rebuilding after him leaving the time before). I put my own feelings aside because I thought what he really needed was to start feeling comfortable and safe and have those "in love" feelings again. I wanted to get to a place where he wasnt anxious and questioning everything.

HE treated ME badly. HE made promises he didnt keep. HE took me for granted. HE wasnt there for me. HE broke it off with me coldly and cruely without even a warm look, or kind word. HE cut off contact and refused to give me any closure.

My biggest issue is that he is treating this whole thing like I am a horrible, possessive, obsessive  cruel controlling demanding woman. He is slandering me to his family, his friends. He says I am crazy. He will not open an email from me (I have stopped sending) because I am "manipulative" and will do anything to get what I want. This makes me so sad. If he would only read what I have sent he would see that I have always been kind, and empathetic, and only ever asked for closure and a nice ending.

I just feel SO misrepresented. I feel hard done by. I feel like, I tried so hard, I was as supportive and kind as anyone could be - and he is defaming me in this way. I feel embarrassed. Humiliated. It hurts that my NORMAL emotions and actions that were well meaning and kind and that of a woman who cares - have been warped into something sinister, obsessive and manipulative. I am angry, but I have no where to direct my anger because I cant just think to myself "hes not a nice person"... . because I dont truely believe it.

I know that these thoughts and fears of his are real to him. I so badly want to show him its not true. But I will never have the chance.

How do you deal with these emotions without ending up bitter and vengeful?

[Unleashed]

If the facts are as they seem, he'd be projecting his own problems on you?  Mine does that. She has biased 2/3 of her friends into fear-disgust of me. Funny, that yesterday I met three of hers due to odd circumstances.  One even grabbed her 4 year old when she saw me. Really, am I a leper?  Circumstances dictate that I do not have things to hide from, I look people in the eye and say hello with confidence, that has converted a couple of them, but not most.  I carry myself similarly to the ex. Similar to challenging a bear in the woods: do not run, or show fear, or provoke, but face the opponent in calmness.  The wife responds very similarly to bears I've met.

In the end one must realize that we own our judgements and motivations, the rest of the world is no longer within my agenda to adjust.  It is effective to minimize contact, set up new friends with a bit of privacy to new social groups, and live your life.  Your success is more instructive to an ex than your attention, make sense?

Good luck,

[1KitKat]

I also got devalued, or whatever you call it, by him to his immediate family.  It's not like he was ever that close to them, in fact he was estranged from them for two years until I talked him into patching things up (yeah... .   another thing I did).  Now however, none of them want to talk to me since he left last June.  Interesting!

He told his buddies that I check his sms messages and that I spy on him, and then told them not to send him sms texts - only via WhatsApp.  Is he kidding?  Okay, I'm an ex-IT manager, but it's not like I care enough to jailbreak his phone and do the dirty!   We also have privacy laws in my country. 

I never realized how uber-paranoid he was until he started spouting all this stuff.  I'm not an angel, but I certainly wouldn't take things that far.  At any rate, both my parents have passed but I have two fabulous cousins and my sister has been there for me... .   through it all.  She has been simply amazing.  My friends have been 100% supportive and tell me all the time that they KNOW I am not like what he is portraying.  I feel very thankful for that, and for those who surround me.  It strikes me that my husband has lots of 'buddies' but no real close family or friends.  That must be very hard for him.

I feel for you, sillyhead, I really do.  I went through a complete fog last summer, and I've vowed that I won't be doing it again this year.  I enabled so much of his behaviour that I nearly did myself in.  Not necessary! 

[seeking balance]

  Silllyhead!

I know that these thoughts and fears of his are real to him. I so badly want to show him its not true. But I will never have the chance.

How do you deal with these emotions without ending up bitter and vengeful?

There is a point where we have to forgive and accept - but that takes some time to process and get there. 

Bitter and Jaded was what I called myself for a while - and I was... . I even had a joke I would tell:  bitter & jaded your table for 1 is ready... .

Eventually the walls come down again to a healthy place.  Faith had more to do with me letting go than we tend to talk about on the boards... . I focused on gratitude (even when I was faking it at times) to help overcome the bitter/jaded feeling.

It's ok to feel that way for a while - it is a mask for the pain - leaning into the pain will ease up the anger.  This is all new and raw for you, give yourself the permission to feel what you need right now.

Peace,

SB

[rougeetnoir]

I went through this... . Heck, I'm still going through this-- my last engagement with my ex a couple of weeks ago (regarding the termination of the lease) involved her insulting me (calling me names, claiming that I was threatening to stalk her when I moved out) and I still struggle with it. 

The first thing is that it is good that you noticed it.  Notice when it happens.  Then when you find yourself ruminating about it, just say "That's not true" or some other thing like it (OR "His/Her reality is not my reality" or "S/he is sick" and try to move on... . Don't debate the pros and cons of their argument, just say "That's not true" and try to think elsewhere.  Say "That's not true" as many times as it takes to convince yourself. If you find yourself in a situation where you can say it aloud-- even better.  It won't work at first, but it helps. (I did this particularly concerning the guilt part of coming out of the FOG.  I'd be driving along ruminating about something I felt bad about and I'd just say "It's not my fault." I'd say it every time it happened. Some of the stuff hurt to say it about (I worry about her child; he and I were very close.  I was his dad for the 18 mos. the ex and I were together. Letting go of him has been the hardest part). It made a big difference.  Just remember talking aloud to yourself doesn't make you crazy!) 

Posting this reminded me that I need to do it again concerning the last round of crazy: "That's just not true."

[Trent]

I am new to the board.

 

How do you deal with these emotions without ending up bitter and vengeful?

Once I accepted the fact that my uBPDexgf is emotionally disabled, I was able to accept (or maybe just understand) her destructive words and deeds.  Did I like her actions?  No.  Do I think I should have stuck around and tolerated more of it because she can't (won't?) help herself?  No.  But after I learned more about her disability, I began to understand it wasn't about me, it was about her: her fears and mental distortions being projected on to me.  She's probably done it to all of the previous men in her life, and will continue to do so long after I'm gone.  This knowledge made it easier for me to shrug it off and move forward.  Good luck

[1KitKat]

I completely agree with tc33; I was able to realize that I should not take this personally, and that my ex is mentally ill.  Once I got that, I was able to process the pain.  I still have pain that I will not be able to show him that no one wants to abandon him etc... .   and I desperately want him to heal, for himself and for our son.  The other piece was that I was able to get him to therapy, and to a therapist who can really help him, if he'll let her. 

I had to learn how to stop interfering in his path; that was hard for me because I have been looking after him for so long.

[pixiegurl]

I still can't get over how everyone's stories are so similar. I'm "crazy." I think that it is accurate to say that people project their own self image on to others. It sounds like most people with BPD carry a high level of shame. There are actions and thoughts that go in their lives that we will never even know about. I don't have to take ownership of other people's baggage.

It doesn't hurt as much as it makes me angry. I was lied to, cheated on, devalued, disrespected, unappreciated, but I'm the one who was at fault and is now "crazy." However, I have been told by people who have known him for years, that he has always been this way, and will never change. There seems to be an attitude of "he is what he is." I've even been told that of all of the girls he has dated, I was their favorite. I'm glad that the bad mouthing hasn't had an impact on people who have met me. It still makes me angry. It's on of the things I'm working hard to let go of. I'm sorry that you are going through this.

[Narellan]

Exactly what I'm going through to a tee. I didn't even bother with self explanations this time I just went NC because last time I was painted as smothering, unstable, desperate to be in a relationship. I am being slandered to a small degree but the best he can come up with us that I'm an alcoholic. Lol. Yep my bottle of wine a week really indicates that! This from a lying, cheating ( with my best friend ) BPD drug addict. It hurts so much to know that regardless I'd how well we conduct ourselves in the slander slaught it will have no impact on how he feels about me. I'm already bad. I've already been split and painted black. Nothing I do will alter his thoughts. He will work through these thoughts and try to recycle again but I'm done now. One thing said to me on here that really resonates with me is " it doesn't matter how good you are, he will still turn on you" there it is. In black and white. It's not a conscious decision he is unable to stop himself turning. It's an illness. And one I think he despises because he's so happy when in the attachment zone. Helping me understand how dysregulated he is and think of it in terms of they have no control manages to ease my pain a bit, and not take it so personally. I just conduct myself the way I always have, and act with love and dignity. Be true to yourself. Your true friends will recognise the lies and the ones who believe him are not worth thinking about. Stay strong

[Ihope2]

This is also a big trigger for me, and the source of my woundedness.  I desperately need to be understood and heard for being the caring, loving and good person that I see myself as being.  This is a childhood wound I realise that I have been carrying around with me for all of my adult life, and now at age 45 and this most extreme of romantic relationships I have been through (married for 11 months to a BPD man), I finally get to recognise this within myself.

I hate being misrepresented, misunderstood and slandered for being something that I am not. I hate it when my love and care and compassion is not recognised. I hate being invalidated.  Because of the emotional neglect and abandonment I felt throughout my childhood.  So now, I have been unconsciously choosing relationships with very damaged and hurt and mentally ill men to try to recreate the conditions of my childhood, and if I can just "make this one love me and validate me, then it will all be ok in the end".

This most recent relationship has been the most invalidating one I have ever been in.  The more I tried to be heard and appreciated and validated, the more I just got the BPD treatment.  And the more it hurt. 

We have to learn to detach from seeking that validation and understanding from others, particularly those who are so damaged, and we need to learn to love and validate and understand ourselves first.

I am on a long journey now towards healing my self and learning to love myself.  I have to force myself to detach from all the hurtful and ugly accusations that  have been thrown my way by my BPD soon to be ex.  He wants me to believe that I have betrayed him, and reneged on my marriage vows, that I have lied to him and that I think he is bad, that I hate him, etc.  When all I ever felt in my heart for him was compassion and deep care and loving kindness.  But, he will not be able to see it any differently the way he is now.  To him, I am the deceitful and hurtful one, in a long line of others who have hurt and betrayed him in his past... .

[going places]

I have heard "she has a hormone imbalance" (at age 30).

I have heard "well her mother made her mentally ill" (which is 1/2 right, my mother is the root of why I chose the clown I did)

I have heard "she's just crazy"

I have heard "she's faking it"

All by my soon-to-be-ex psycho's mom, brother and sister in law.

Right now, I am being slandered and lied on at work by a kid who I have done nothing but help, teach, train, etc. UNFORTUNATELY now I realize I did this because he is a psycho just like soon to be ex.

Awesome.

Some days I just want to RAGE at how much of a liar he is (ex and co worker)

BUT

It's like screaming into the wind... . before the last word is out of your mouth, every other thing you have spoken is gone, in the wind, never to be recovered, and no one heard it anyway.

Some days I just say "Lord, I'm gonna let this play out. YOU know the Truth and that's good enough for me".

I want more days to be this way than the rage way.

Yeah, I am sick of doing the right thing and getting pooped on.

It's not gonna be like this forever.

I AM going to get healthy, and I AM going to finish my years on this planet in HEALTHY relationships, doing good things. It will happen.