Devaluation - Specific Signs/Behaviors - When did it Begin?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey folks!

I'm certain this thread has existed on here many times in the past, but I thought I would start a current version.  Now that you have an understanding of BPD and devaluation, and can reflect back intellectually on your exBPD's behaviors and actions during this stage, what specific examples stick out to you now as devaluation type behaviors?  Can you remember specifically when they started and you perhaps realized (at least deep down) that something was off here?  I would love to start a list here, and will start with a few of my own:


- When I was screamed at by my exBPD in a taxi cab for suggesting a quicker way home... . in front of several of her friends.

- When I entered her apartment before her birthday (she had just gotten back from a spa package I bought her) and she gave me a fleeting but evident look of disgust.

- When she begun to triangulate me with her ex of 5 years, bragged of his intellect, how attractive he was, and how he was on a pedestal.

- When I found out a family member died while I was laying next to her.  She barely acknowledged it

- When I went downstairs in a bar to close a bar tab without notifying her.  She yelled at me for 10 minutes and said she "I don't trust you"

- When I could do little to nothing right.

- When everything about our relationship became my fault

- When she never took personal responsibility for her actions

- When it became all about her

- When she broke up with me 2 weeks after telling me "how much she loves being with me, and how safe I  made her feel"

- When she broke up with me 3 days after making me various desserts and buying me gifts for valentines day

- When she broke up with me and immediately started up with my replacement.

[Lamaiel]

Hey folks!

I'm certain this thread has existed on here many times in the past, but I thought I would start a current version.  Now that you have an understanding of BPD and devaluation, and can reflect back intellectually on your exBPD's behaviors and actions during this stage, what specific examples stick out to you now as devaluation type behaviors?  Can you remember specifically when they started and you perhaps realized (at least deep down) that something was off here?  I would love to start a list here, and will start with a few of my own:


- When I was screamed at by my exBPD in a taxi cab for suggesting a quicker way home... . in front of several of her friends.

- When I entered her apartment before her birthday (she had just gotten back from a spa package I bought her) and she gave me a fleeting but evident look of disgust.

- When she begun to triangulate me with her ex of 5 years, bragged of his intellect, how attractive he was, and how he was on a pedestal.

- When I found out a family member died while I was laying next to her.  She barely acknowledged it

- When I went downstairs in a bar to close a bar tab without notifying her.  She yelled at me for 10 minutes and said she "I don't trust you"

- When I could do little to nothing right.

- When everything about our relationship became my fault

- When she never took personal responsibility for her actions

- When it became all about her

- When she broke up with me 2 weeks after telling me "how much she loves being with me, and how safe I  made her feel"

- When she broke up with me 3 days after making me various desserts and buying me gifts for valentines day

- When she broke up with me and immediately started up with my replacement.

[Confused?]

Mine would

-start arguments with me over the phone knowing I was around people to make me look mean.

-the next day after a party she would tell me I avoided her all night and everyone else's boyfriend was around their girlfriend. Which basically would have meant I sat there by myself all night.

-any argument we got into she would tell me I have anger issues and I should see someone.

-she would randomly tell me that people would say how miserable I look with her.

-if I said anything about how I hated my job she would tell me to get a new one instead of just listening to me. Mind you she was unemployed the majority of the relationship.

There's many more but you get the idea

[Sam027]

Wow

These are familiar. The job yes I totally had that. We all have bad days at work mine would say the same get a new job, having herself been out of work for 4 months then jacking her new job in 3 months in.

The not paying enough attention in a social situation, or for that matter at all.

Mine would constantly tell me our relationship is toxic then tell me she wanted to marry me.

Eye openers it's not just me

[coolioqq]

The issue with mine is that I was idealized only after I broke it off. The entire dating/relationship, I was subtly devalued. Here's one example:

I send Valentine's gifts about 4-5 times more expensive than hers (and I didn't even expect one). Her response: she kept pushing the date away, several times that night. A good couple of hours... . She was visibly upset when we met, trying to hide it (or not really... . ) We got each others' gifts before the date, and I was so grateful for hers. The gift itself was another symbol of devaluation, but nevermind that. So, I texted her before the date to thank her and tell her how much I appreciated it. And how I liked it, and how I do feel bad that she spent the money because I didn't expect it (her income is low.) Her response was something about drugs and virgins or something like that.   Where did that come from? We never had any discussion around drugs even or was anything said in any way related to what she spewed out... .

Anyway, we finally meet and she is visibly upset. I thank her again, and she comments on her statement as a joke... . (Uhm, really?) She was still pissed, and started looking at her gift from me again, making faces and trying to convince herself, right there before my eyes, to like it.

Fast forward 15 minutes, she looks at me with her eyes full of affection, after I managed to mellow her heart (I am fairly good at making even the uptightest people comfortable). By the end of the night, she kept part of my gift close to the heart, her eyes full of love.

For the next several days, she was swinging back and forth between questioning her feelings for me and convincing herself that she can be with me. I was trying to understand what is going on, and just looked at it as natural indecisiveness. I felt like a piece of crap, and she saw it. The harder I was on myself, the better she felt and that's when she decided that yes we can move forward with the relationship. So, as I long as I feel like dirt, she can be with me... .

Then finding issues with me physically - I don't even wanna get there. I am certainly very far from being a model, but wherever we went together, women would look at us, smirked at her and looked at me with disbelief in their eyes. She is pretty, but lacks posture and elegance as does not take care of herself (like combing her hair, for starters). Just an unorderly mess of a woman... . Same with people close to me - they openly told me that she doesn't really match me. I ignored all that, of course.

There's all other kinds of stuff that she did, but I am starting to think that it's not even important anymore... .

[arielleis]

Ohhhh yes! I remember exactly when the "devaluation" started. I remember this moment as if it was yesterday.

It was NYE 2012-2013. We were having dinner with friends and I paid for her dinner. I realized that she would never say "thank You" so I brought that to her attention and mentioned "hey... . didn't you forget to say something? You could at least say thank you"... .

This is the very moment I experienced my first Narcissistic rage. She took me apart, her eyes full of hatred and told me to never never say that to her again (hahahahahaha... . yes... . ).

This is when s**i hit the fan for the first time... . when she realized I was NOT going to be her ATM.

[Lamaiel]

A few more:

- Having friends tell me after the fact that she would criticize me for almost anything I did in public

- I have a minor heart issue that popped up in front of her; she didn't care or even inquire

- She loved me on Valentines Day morning when I delivered her flowers.  By that evening, I was once again disliked

- Having her pull me away roughly from any female friend that I talked

- She was incredibly stand off-ish in front of my friends, not social.

- After she dumped me, she decided to ignore a long email I wrote to her.  I turned into a non-entity for her

[blissful_camper]

I'd known my ex for many years but we weren't romantically involved during that time.

We were in touch by phone and there was no devaluation during those calls.  The devaluation began when he visited me at my home in a different state.   

Within the first hour of his arrival, he wanted me to interpret his first wife's (30 years ago) actions.

During a lovely dinner out he was receiving and accepting calls constantly.  At one point he took the call outside and I sat eating alone for almost 30 minutes.   

After he went home, the devaluation escalated some but I attributed his behavior to general unhappiness (work, going through a divorce).  When I moved to his state to be with him, the more serious devaluation began, and there I was on the merry-go-round.

[sillyhead]

Looking back? Straight away. No wonder I became an insecure clingy mess.

* I joked/teased that "I'm not just a f buddy you know" - to which he replied seriously "I thought that's what we were" - despite meeting on a paid for online dating site and stating clearly that I was looking for a relationship

* Stated within 3 months of dating that he felt that I was more into him than he was into me

* Sighed "can we talk about something else?" When I was telling him about a historical and emotional issue with a friend - early days - still getting to know each other

* repeatedly told me in our dating stages that he would rather see someone every couple of weeks when they are dating and text once a week - basically giving off the vibe that he wasn't as into me as I was into him... .

* Critical of what I ate, critical of smoking (which I did stop), critical of general lifestyle - repeatedly told me that all I eat was pot noodles and macdonalds (not in the slightest bit true - I am a health psychologist with knowledge of healthy eating!)

* Whenever I spoke of positive interactions with his friends he would scoff and tell me that I had probably got it wrong - implied that no one liked me

* Would criticise me and put me down in front of his friends

* Wanted me to change who I was infront of his friends

* Why cant you be more like so and so

* Told me I was a know it all if I had any form of opinion

* Was never interested in anything I had to say if I was telling him something knew. Hated it when I knew more about a subject than him. Would find an argument against it even if it was calling a blue sky pink

* Told me that I look ugly when im upset, my side profile isn't very nice, "being a mum really takes it out on your body doesn't it?" "none of my other girlfriends had stretch marks". You look ugly in the morning.

* Would pull random looks of disgust/annoyance at me when I would be laughing with his parents/family/friends - as if I was acting crazy or embarrassing him.

* Would often say he doesn't know if he loves me, then would revert back to loving me

* Accused me of being smothering/possessive whenever I asked for him to treat me fairly

* Would s___ and scoff when I was chatting to him

* acted like I was saying crazy things when I wasn't

* Started refusing to show any sign of affection in public

* Had to always fit my life around his rather than him fitting into mine. Baring in mind mine was far less flexible as I am a mum

* Used to talk about how he wishes he had met me before I had my son

* Wishes he had met me when I was "a young fit teen"

* Pretty much called me a slut because I have had more sexual experience than him

* Told me how his friends thought he should leave me

* Said all I did was "guilt trip" him - any feelings I had were unjustified.

* Started bashing me to his friends. Started making out I was crazy to them. Allowed them to disrespect me too

* Dumped our plans on a whim to hang out with friends, then then let them chant "hang up" on the phone and followed suit.

* when one of his friends was inappropriate wit him I told him. The first thing he did was blame me.

* The friend later apologised. But within a month he took it back and said it never happened. He believed him.

* When he left the first time he painted me black to a friend who then blocked me. A week later we were back together and I noticed this. Called me a "mentalist" because I had noticed.

The list oges on and on... . I cant actually believe I put up with this abuse for so long... . How do I still love this man? Help me  

[HappyNihilist]

I always got devalued after I did something that he didn't like -- this usually involved him not getting his own way. Typically this led to him immediately going somewhere (even just to the store for a pack of cigarettes) and then coming back with a story of a hot woman there giving him her phone number, flirting with him, or lying down in the middle of the gas station and yelling "TAKE ME NOW YOU HOT STUD, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE!"

I thought, Aww, poor ego. I guess I thought I was letting him do what he felt he needed to do to "rebuild" himself. And I refused to play those childish games. I would smile and tell him that was nice, he's a sexy man and I don't blame women for being attracted to him. And then move on with my life.

I didn't play that game because it wasn't important to me. I did have my boundaries, though. One of the things that caused our r/s to finally implode was my refusal to go full-on doormat without also holding him accountable for when he did push those too hard. He said I always called him on his b.s. I didn't do so in the middle of a rage (noo point going there), and I did it calmly and gently and with no judgment, but I still did it. He may have said that he admired and even needed it, but I'm sure now that in reality he hated it.

When I would "call him out," I would be devalued in a different way. He would withdraw support, love, and affection. That was "ignore" territory.

[TitaniumPhoebe]

when my husband and I were just friends he was so kind, didn't try to force himself on me even if we were drinking, never took advantage, always insisted on paying for my food and drinks even when I tried to pay. Then once I sleep with him and we become more than friends I'm like an object. It went from that to marriage in a couple months, faster than it should have and even though I should have said no, I just felt like it was a thing I couldn't stop. He was so domineering.  And when he wasn't getting what he wanted (sex and me inflating his ego) he was mean.  He sent me an email before we were even married pissed off that I sent him pictures of houses for us to buy and hadn't been sending him sexy pictures.  That should have been a sign not to marry him, but I kept trying to see his good side. The longer I was with him, the more stuff happened, more than I can recall.  He started just getting home and we'd go to dinner and he would just start driving, not even telling me where we were going, let alone asking if I wanted to eat where he wanted.  I asked if we could go have sushi one night and we hadn't been to this really good sushi place in the neighborhood for a while but he wanted to go to the other one because I was "costing him too much money." I felt like a whore.  Then after I left him he posted lies and just ugliness about me on facebook, all kinds of snide comments about how he never got laid, kept telling people I was cheating and that I flirt too much, accused me of flirting with an unattractive married client of his who fools around with men behind his wife's back, the same guy my husband thought it was cool to walk up behind me while I was talking to him and fondle my breasts.  The list goes on, but I'm thinking prostitutes are treated better. At least they get paid and don't live in your apartment without paying rent. The funny thing was he told people I wanted to be a prostitute and that I would cheat on him for the right price. It was complete insanity, more than I care to even remember.