There were times that I was scared of my ex

[Depression = 72% of members]

Did you ever feel scared of your ex?

There were times when I sure did.

When my uBPDstbxw drove our car and I was a passenger in it, it was terrifying if she was angry. She would take out her anger by driving like a lunatic. I guess that was to torture me.  

When I tried to take a walk to relax and get away for a bit sometimes she looked for me in the car or ran around the neighborhood looking for me really fuming mad.

The weekends were the worst because we were with each other a lot. Sometimes I wished Monday would come sooner so I could relax and be far away from her.

When she became jealous there were moments that felt like I was living in an actual horror movie.

Reading stories here I haven't come across any that have been like mine. Just wondering if am I alone? Being scared of what they were doing or what they could do?

Sometimes when I hear others stories that are similar to mine it helps me to have a deepened understanding of what I went through.

AO

[AwakenedOne]

Did you ever feel scared of your ex?

There were times when I sure did.

When my uBPDstbxw drove our car and I was a passenger in it, it was terrifying if she was angry. She would take out her anger by driving like a lunatic. I guess that was to torture me.  

When I tried to take a walk to relax and get away for a bit sometimes she looked for me in the car or ran around the neighborhood looking for me really fuming mad.

The weekends were the worst because we were with each other a lot. Sometimes I wished Monday would come sooner so I could relax and be far away from her.

When she became jealous there were moments that felt like I was living in an actual horror movie.

Reading stories here I haven't come across any that have been like mine. Just wondering if am I alone? Being scared of what they were doing or what they could do?

Sometimes when I hear others stories that are similar to mine it helps me to have a deepened understanding of what I went through.

AO

[Emelie Emelie]

Yes... . there were times when I was actually scared of him.  He never got physical with me but his temper was so violent... . there were times when I was afraid he'd lose all control.  I'm trying to remember those times now.

[HappyNihilist]

Oh. Yes.

My exbf is a big strong guy. I am a short little gal. My exbf had a violent temper and was prone to raging and drinking, and isolating me from people while he did so. There were times when I was very scared indeed.

[blissful_camper]

Yes, I hadn't seen anger like his before.  It was deep seated rage that was decades old. 

[Banshee]

I would become a little scared when he would start lecturing... I have no idea why he got on fractions one night and asked if I could do them... I said yea then he started quizzing me on them and I felt like if I got it wrong he would start getting loud... I was really nervous... that was the first time I was scared and really didn't know why... (gut feeling)

same situation with tools I asked about one that I didn't know the name ... he took his tool set out and telling me the names ... then quizzed me by asking which was this or that... thank goodness I remembered.

Another time was me ripping an envelope open... he showed me how to do it with his knife so it would be a straight cut... then told me to do it that way from here on out  ((whispers)) I still rip em open

He  would said "you don't want the demons to come out" OR " you don't want to see the demons" was the most frightening ... never seen them but still a scary thought

[HappyNihilist]

Yes, I hadn't seen anger like his before.  It was deep seated rage that was decades old. 

This is such a perfect description. The first time I was exposed to it, and realized how deep and vast it was, I was horrified to my very core. I never could have imagined... . I had never seen anything like it.

I would become a little scared when he would start lecturing...

The lectures were my "warning sign" to suddenly start paying serious attention so as not to provoke a rage. My exbf never quizzed me, but he's one of those people who feels the need to tell everyone how to do everything. Step by step. Because he knows the right way to do it, of course.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

Most definitely!

I was definitely scared of my ex

When he was being normal, he was at times delightful to be with

When he was in the 'tension building' stage, he was controlling, angry, and ordering me around like a slave, or treating me like an idiot or a child

When he was accusatory, he was scary

When he was raging, he was hell to be with and I often feared for my life as there were times he got physical as well, (not to mention the constant threats),

Being trapped in a car with him, torture.

His stalking, freaky

No escape route? Like being in a horror movie

I live with PTSD thanks to him

And at the moment I am experiencing a lot of anger

It is to be expected, and I am trying not to judge myself too harshly for it

I hope he never gets the chance to treat any other women like he treated me, ever again. I really hope they kick his sorry *%$# to the kerb.

Thanks for letting me share

Roller

[cosmonaut]

In terms of my physical safety, no I was never afraid of her.  She wasn't the type to lash out physically.  Her tongue could be vicious, but I never felt she would harm me.  I never felt she would ever smear me or report false charges against me.  So, I was never afraid of her in that way.

I was afraid, continuously, of her profoundly self-destructive behaviors.  It occupied my mind constantly through out our relationship.  It still does.  She hates herself at a fundamental level.  The eating disorders and body image issues, the substance abuse, the isolating, her serious health issues that she refused to seriously address, her profoundly impulsive decisions and troubles with money.  It weighed tremendously on me.  It was a source of constant worry and stress.  I spent the entire relationship trying to save her from herself, and I never could - at least never for long.

I also was afraid of losing her.  It terrified me.  The more she pulled away the more I became afraid and the more I desperately tried to pull her back.  Which just caused her to further pull away.  When I finally gave in and gave her the space she wanted, she went almost completely dark on me and then eventually she left me.  I still am afraid I will never have anyone else that will love me like she did for the first magical year we were together, even as I know rationally how fictitious it all really was.

[drv3006]

Yes I was afraid of him. Mine would talk about how he wanted people dead and hope his ex wife would feel the worse pain ever. I had this incredible guilt that something would happen to her or the attorneys.  He once told me the order he would kill them. It was awful. When he pinned me down and it finally got physical i was done. So why do i miss him. Smack head!  I went to see his therapist who said people with BPD usually don't kill  like really i wonder.  There is a lot on the news these days

[AwakenedOne]

Yes I was afraid of him. Mine would talk about how he wanted people dead and hope his ex wife would feel the worse pain ever. I had this incredible guilt that something would happen to her or the attorneys.  He once told me the order he would kill them. It was awful. When he pinned me down and it finally got physical i was done. So why do i miss him. Smack head!  I went to see his therapist who said people with BPD usually don't kill  like really i wonder.  There is a lot on the news these days

Interesting thought. I wonder what percentage of inmates who have committed violent crimes have BPD.

[guitargrl]

yes... the deep rage, the lectures that turned into so much anger if not handled just right, the far off look in his eyes was out of control…he was out of control.  I did not trust him.  One time he said he gets so mad he wants to physically hurt me.  a few times in rages and tearing things up I have been hurt by the things he was tearing up and throwing and slamming.  Unpredictable and full of rage…who knows what would have happened, seemed to get worse over time.

[Take2]

Still afraid. ... . We've been broken up for quite some time but we work together.   Today he was OFF THE CHARTS raging with anger at me.  Threatening to destroy every part of my life. 

While I was not physically afraid today I have been in the past.  And as I told someone at work today, I have often had the gut feeling that one day he'll truly snap and just kill me.

He has absolutely gotten worse with time.

He never used to lose it like this.  It's not a good thing. ...

[rg1976]

Yes, I was afraid of her.

She made jokes about poisoning me.

I was afraid to do things in my house when she was not there.

If I took out the trash, she would accuse me of having had something in it that I was hiding.

If I did dishes or made the bed, she reasoned it was because I had another woman over and was trying to hide something.

When I took showers or slept, she would go through my computers, phone, and etc and find the slightest things from years ago to rage at me about.

If I tried to defend myself with words she would scream I was a liar and tell me she was going to kill me.

It's ironic because at some point these things would upset me so much I would tell her to leave and then I was the one being abusive and abandoning her.

She reasoned I wanted her to go because I had some other woman I made plans with. She absolutely did not understand that it wasn't okay to go through my trash, drive her car through my garage door, or threaten me with knives, or baseball bats.

She was smaller than me, but I'm sorry, if I defend myself, I'd end up in jail. I couldn't take the risk, so when she put her hands on me, I just tried to get away.

It was scary to be woken up in the middle of the night with her raging at me. The anxiety of her coming to my house and discovering something "out of place" was so high. She didn't come to my house the last year we were together.

[UnLuckyLady]

My exbf was not a rager. He was very quiet and calculating.  I remember the first argument we got into I felt an eeriness about him.  Like he was plotting in his mind.  this argument place over the phone as we live two hours away from each other... . but that was the first night out of many that I slept with my loaded gun under my pillow.  It was the not knowing what he was capable of that scared me the most.

Absolutely eerie

[HappyNihilist]

I went to see his therapist who said people with BPD usually don't kill  like really i wonder.  

Well... . people in generally don't usually kill. The vast majority of people with BPD won't kill anyone, but... . well,

"studies have shown"... .

Borderline Personality and Criminality

Psychiatry (Edgmont). Oct 2009; 6(10): 16–20.

Randy A. Sansone, MD, and Lori A. Sansone, MD

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2790397/

Borderline personality is associated with longstanding impulsivity and affective instability, including rage reactions. Therefore, one would suspect that more impulsive and violent offenders might be diagnosed with this disorder. Data seem to support these impressions.

For example, Logan and Blackburn examined 95 women who had been incarcerated for violent offenses. Compared with women who had perpetrated minor violence, those with incarcerations related to major violence were four times more likely to be diagnosed with BPD.

While few studies have systematically examined the prevalence of BPD in those who commit homicide, Yarvis20 reported that BPD was one of the more common psychiatric diagnoses in a series of 100 murderers. In a British study of 90 men who were incarcerated for the murder of their female partner, Dixon et al found that 49 percent had borderline personality characteristics. In a German study, Hill et al examined individuals convicted of one-time sexual homicides and found that BPD was well represented. In contrast to these studies, in a French study, Pera and Dailliet found that only eight percent of 99 murderers suffered from BPD.

A number of authors have speculated about associations between variations of BPD (i.e., subtypes) and murderous acts. For example, Ansevics and Doweiko present the perspective that serial murderers represent a subtype of BPD, highlighted by manipulativeness. Cartwright argues that rage-based murders are related to a particular subtype of BPD characterized by elements of over-control. Finally, Papazian discusses the role of BPD in the serial killer. In summary, while not definitive at this juncture, the majority of current data and impressions indicate an association between BPD and the impulsive, rage-fueled murder.

Researchers have also compared criminals with antisocial versus borderline personality disorders and found some differences in the nature of their crimes. For example, de Barros et al found that while antisocial individuals tend to engage in more property crimes, borderline individuals tend to exhibit more episodes of aggression and physical violence. The authors concluded that criminals with pure antisocial personality are more calculating and exhibit more detailed planning, whereas those with BPD experience more impulsive and explosive episodes of violence.

My exbf told me he would kill me if I ever cheated on him, and I believed him. Hell, he might have done it regardless, eventually... . not a planned thing, just "snap" when the big dark rage tsunami hits.

[AwakenedOne]

Yes I was afraid of him. Mine would talk about how he wanted people dead and hope his ex wife would feel the worse pain ever. I had this incredible guilt that something would happen to her or the attorneys.  He once told me the order he would kill them. It was awful. When he pinned me down and it finally got physical i was done. So why do i miss him. Smack head!  I went to see his therapist who said people with BPD usually don't kill  like really i wonder.  There is a lot on the news these days

Interesting thought. I wonder what percentage of inmates who have committed violent crimes have BPD.

HappyNihilist,

Thank you for posting the Borderline Personality and Criminality article. That information is really interesting.

AO

[Ihope2]

In terms of my physical safety, no I was never afraid of her.  She wasn't the type to lash out physically.  Her tongue could be vicious, but I never felt she would harm me.  I never felt she would ever smear me or report false charges against me.  So, I was never afraid of her in that way.

I was afraid, continuously, of her profoundly self-destructive behaviors.  It occupied my mind constantly through out our relationship.  It still does.  She hates herself at a fundamental level.  The eating disorders and body image issues, the substance abuse, the isolating, her serious health issues that she refused to seriously address, her profoundly impulsive decisions and troubles with money.  It weighed tremendously on me.  It was a source of constant worry and stress.  I spent the entire relationship trying to save her from herself, and I never could - at least never for long.

I can relate to what Cosmonaut wrote here.  I also never felt afraid of my BPDh from a physical point of view.  It was his negative, nihilistic attitude to himself and life that made me very afraid.   I also felt extremely burdened by my compulsion to want to save him from himself.  I only spent 11 months in this marriage to this man, but it almost brought me to my knees.  I also spent the entire time trying to save him from himself, and trying to construct a good life for him on his behalf.  I tried to facilitate opportunities for him, I tried to steer him in the direction he said he wanted to go in, I attended to his every need.  I was draining myself and all my resources in the process.  The more his negative, nihilistic behaviour and attitude and feelings came out, the more I tried to rescue, the less it helped, the worse things became on his side, the more drained and depleted I became.  This dynamic scared the living daylights out of me... . I felt trapped in a whirlpool of black, dark, negative energy.  Whatever positive energy I tried to bring in to negate the negative, it did not seem to help.  Life started feeling joyless and pointless to me.  This is what made me feel the greatest fear of all... .

[HappyNihilist]

Interesting thought. I wonder what percentage of inmates who have committed violent crimes have BPD.

HappyNihilist,

Thank you for posting the Borderline Personality and Criminality article. That information is really interesting.

AO

You're very welcome.  

I'm not saying we should run from pwBPD screaming "Murderers!"   I don't want to come across as demonizing a group of people. I just think it's important to exhibit healthy caution. Any disorder that includes emotional turmoil, impulsiveness, and rage is naturally grounds for concern. Not just in regards to our physical safety, but also to our emotional health. It's easy to underestimate the potential impact.

[Take2]

I slept with my loaded gun under my pillow.  It was the not knowing what he was capable of that scared me the most.

Absolutely eerie

The not knowing is scary.  Because while my ex started raging at about one year into the r/s, and that totally blew me away, his loss of control during a rage didn't show up until about 2.5 years.  Or so I thought.  But it was at 3 years or 3.5 years (I forget) that he truly seemed to be a completely different person in his rage.  And that was the first moment I truly became scared.  I had known of his issues, had already been on this site.  But when he raged like that and seemed to truly be a different person altogether, I realized he CAN lose total control in the heat of his rage.  In the past he would have never raged like that at work but he started doing it full on in a public lunchroom - where anyone could have walked in.  And now that we've been split up for a while, it hasn't stopped the rages.  I think that truly NC is the way to go - but that isn't always possible for some of us.  That my ex could come raging at me yesterday all day long - just exhausting.

Although it's he who sleeps with a gun under his pillow.  And a machine gun propped against the wall.  And a gun placed in every room of his house.  No exaggeration.  He was like that from the day I met him... .   I don't know if that scares me more or makes me more sad for the guy.

I just know that he IS capable of justifying anything in his head... .

[Lion Fire]

Oh yes, she was terrifying!

My exBPDgf had her first blowout 1 week into our relationship. I received a text from a friend abroad who is in her 60's and I'm 45. No threat in other words. she sent love and xxx's. My ex blew and it just got worse, she flipped and did not stop flipping for an hour... . threatening to throw me out, questioning my sexual past , screaming in my face etc. I was shocked and stunned. After she calmed down, she explained to me calmly that she had done this for the good of "us, our Unit" and that she would "fight with all her might anything or anyone who threatens this union"  She was so convincing that I bought it and was on hyper alert from then. Little did I know that this first blowup would be the fist of many and was the mildest... .

At times I would cower in tears and wince as she attacked me with words. I was a nervous wreck. I have been a boxer for over 20 years and I was more afraid of this woman than anyone in my life. I guess that's why she didn't try and hit me, she knew I would avoid and roll with all the blows  Mind you, the violence and brutality of the things she said were more painful than any beating I have ever taken.

I was on my toes at best and at worst a quivering wreck, beaten to the floor by her onslaughts.

I was petrified of her.

[AwakenedOne]

I felt trapped in a whirlpool of black, dark, negative energy.  Whatever positive energy I tried to bring in to negate the negative, it did not seem to help.  Life started feeling joyless

These words describe clearly how I felt being with her.