Going on 9 day of NC... When does it get easier?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm going on 9 days of NC, and although I know it's the healthiest path, a part of me wishes he would reach out so I could at least know he's thinking about me or missing me.

I feel this internal war between my heart and mind constantly. I find myself checking my phone frequently, wishing I would see a new text from him, yet the logical, sensible part of me knows that NC is the only way I will ever begin to heal. I can't allow myself to get sucked back into his destructive world. He has proven over and over that he has no problem dropping me and cutting me off in a heartbeat... . so why do I still love this man? When will I be able to let him go completely?

[crushed_to_pieces]

I'm going on 9 days of NC, and although I know it's the healthiest path, a part of me wishes he would reach out so I could at least know he's thinking about me or missing me.

I feel this internal war between my heart and mind constantly. I find myself checking my phone frequently, wishing I would see a new text from him, yet the logical, sensible part of me knows that NC is the only way I will ever begin to heal. I can't allow myself to get sucked back into his destructive world. He has proven over and over that he has no problem dropping me and cutting me off in a heartbeat... . so why do I still love this man? When will I be able to let him go completely?

[tholian]

Dear crushed_to_pieces,

Give it time. You are going through withdrawal at the moment. You were addicted to something toxic and getting cut off from it is causing this. Like all addiction, this is bad for you and once you kicked it, you will be a better person.

I'm on my 1 month NC and I can tell you it feels good and getting back some of my life.

You will get better. For now hang on and all the best.

Regards,

Tholian

[Narellan]

Dear crushed to pieces, it's such a diifult road. I'm 7 weeks and four days and mostly I'm feeling better. I have felt happy a few times in the past week, and I can think about it without the crushing physical pain now a lot of the time. Having said that, waves of grief appear out of nowhere, and I just ride with them. I've never cried so much in my life. I'm still checking my phones all the time but have been strong enough not to check him on FB as that has really set me back in the past. I'm kind of relieved he hasn't tried to contact me and I have a steadfast plan if he comes to my door to completely not engage. Strict NC for me. I am too weak if I listen to him and empathise which I would I'd be hooked back in in no time. Allow yourself to grieve and plan for how you will act if he dies try to reconnect. Many of us on here are going through what you are and there's lots be learned from others experiences. Take care xx 

[Banshee]

I broke no contact on day 10... yesterday... I can't say it was the worse thing I did because after 2 months of him telling me we couldn't try because of his "illness" I find out this morning he is seeing someone.

I have never been so mad at myself.

I knew there was something not right from the very start, still continued ... then when I found about BPD read  everything I could to try understand ... I did all this even after reading the outcome of these relationships and still kept trying.

Day 1 doesn't feel the same when you know they are with someone else... it feels very different.

I tell you one thing... if you think contact will you make you feel better somehow... look at it like this ... it's like being burned in a fire then turning to the fire to heal you... Ya'll keep up the good work , I failed several times but I'm done with this and the pain it caused ... the pain I caused ... I knew better! :'(

[Narellan]

Banshee thank you do much for sharing that post. If nothing else it teaches people on here valuable insightful lessons and saves us from the pain if going down the same road. I like your fire analogy. Don't think of it as day 1, starting all over... . Just think if it as a minor setback and a valuable learning experience. We are human. You are doing great work. And this maybe needed to happen to give you some closure. Big hugs xx

[fromheeltoheal]

Remember there's nothing sacred about the mighty NC; it's just a tool we use to detach.  If you can detach emotionally while still having a little contact it may even help you detach.  I couldn't, I thought I was literally going insane, and I had to bail, pure survival mode.  Although I did get an email from her several months after I left her, and by then the fog had cleared and I'd learned about the disorder, and the manipulation attempts and devaluations were transparent by then, even though they were coated in sticky-sweet, and reading it actually helped me detach further, and shocked me once again as to how much I'd put up with and fallen for.

9 days is very early crushed, and you're probably still in the fog, although you do say you know you're on the healthiest path; I felt exactly the same way.  One thing that helped me was to make a list of all the unacceptable crap that went down while I was with her, it took a lot of paper, and I'd read it when I had the heart/mind conflict you mention, which is very strong.  The list helped shift my focus and remind me of why I left, confirmed it for me once again, and as time went on things got processed and a lot more became clear.  Plenty of untangling and growing to do moving forward, but good for you for taking care of you!

[Banshee]

Thank you Narellan, I was too embarrassed to start a thread about me breaking no contact... I texted once he didn't answer ... then It was like hitting the crack pipe... I just kept sending texts... WOW I got ONE to my 8 or 9 that night... it was pathetic!

I'm so upset,  from the 1st day knowing  there was something wrong with him and for me to continue and then continue even longer with the nightmare of BPD stories after I knew he had it... I'm not special, why did I think my situation was any different from anyone else's. wow... just freakin wow.

I've been sitting here like a fool counting days thinking look at me go... wonder if  he's having a hard time with it... Oh yea he was having a hard time ON IT!

That's ok she will soon find out his thing is broke and I don't mean his mind either... Ok I'm just getting angrier... I'm sorry .

crushed_to_pieces you hang in there your doing great... we are here for you no matter what   

[crushed_to_pieces]

Gosh, each of you have given me such support and love - thank you my  sweet new friends. I appreciate each of your valuable insight, and it does empower me to stick with NC and stay strong.

Fromhealtotoe, I like you idea of making a list of all the negative and destructive things I put up with during our relationship. That will help keep my thoughts clear when they tend to want to focus on all the happy times we shared.

Banshee, I love the fire analogy also. That's a great way to look at it!

Tholian - your 1 month NC gives me hope! I DO feel like an addict going through withdrawals - it's such a terrible feeling.

Narellen, that is a great idea to have an actual plan in place, in case he does reach out eventually. Congratulations on 7 weeks and 4 days out so far - I'm so proud of you! What an accomplishment.

Each of you provide so much understanding and support, and it's truly helping me day be day. Bless your sweet,open hearts.   

[sirius]

I have a file of evidence collected (documents,chats,phone bill and pics) about her cheating on me for the past 12 years that i kept in front of me, each time the urge to break contact come in, i will open the file because it is more painful, now when the urge come to text again, by looking at the cover of the file, it already puts me off from wanting to contact that person because I don't know where to begin to confront her... . thats how i deal with NC now

Hang in there... .

[Narellan]

Banshee... . I have to say I would probably do the exact same thing. When u get the nerve to reach out and get met with silence everything unresolved comes back like a wrecking ball. I know exactly how you feel. I've given up even having my usual glass of wine with dinner because I know it weakens my will. And depresses me further. I can't afford to have any temptation to contact him. For me because I found some closure by reading his messages to my best friend, If I weaken, all I have to do is think of some of the things he said to her about me and I get my resolve back. Although hurtful to read I learned who he truly was. Maybe now from your experience you feel a bit more closure and can see your ex for who he is. Don't beat yourself up over it. Turn it into a positive thing and learn from it. And don't be embarrassed about reaching out with love. That just makes you a wonderful person. Xx 

[Narellan]

Crushed to pieces... . We all could have picked your username ! Everyone on here is here because they are going through or have been through what you are suffering. Keep posting. I love reading up on my new found friends posts and seeing the progress everyone is making. If you read through my prior postings you will see why I can feel your pain, and also see that I'm making progress. Sometimes it's 2 steps forward and one back but if I read my posts I would be so proud of how far I've come in the past few months. I look forward to watching your success story 

[coolioqq]

For me it got easier by week 5. The first four weeks were heavy PTSD nightmare (a mix of heavy depression and anxiety - it's like hitting the gas pedal and brakes at the same time). Then things improved dramatically by week 6. I also slowly went off prescription anxiety meds (they were making everything worse for me, but everyone is different!) to supplements, but this is something that requires medical supervision... . I used the same supplements in the past in similar situations, and I know they work for me.

So, if you see that you are having anxiety and tough time, it's best to talk to your doctor. It can ease the inevitable suffering that the situation causes. Meds can be a good way to help you get through the tough times. If you do go that route, be frank with your doctor and explain the situation - some of them know quite a bit about BPD and relationship dynamics and aftermath, so they'll know how to help you better.

I am 10 weeks out (full NC) and things are quite better. Although I still ruminate a bit here and there and still think about her several times a day, things do get better! Take it slowly. The lessons in the sidebar, the articles, the resources - read them again and again until everything sinks in. Also, try to find distractions. Read books that you always wanted to read. Pick up a hobby that you always wanted but never had the time to (I bought a microscope! And a Playstation 4 ). Go out in the nature. Listen to Philosophize This! podcast. Do random things... . There is so much out there to explore that will keep you busy.

The point is not to get away from what you feel, but to be constructive when something admittedly (emotionally) destructive is going on. I am not making a lesser deal than it is - I've been there in a REALLY bad way - but we should try not to make a bigger deal of it than it is either.

And, of course, keep talking to us here - I know it helped me a ton. Take care of you!

[bunnyrabit]

Unfortunately 9 days of NC isn't a very long time but it's a very, very good start and please know that it gets a little bit easier every day, hang in there.

When I feel compelled to break NC, I tell myself this: while I'm acting all pathetic and whiny on the phone with her, she could easily be holding her phone in one hand and another man's johnson in the other. I know this sounds a bit hyperbole but it sure does the trick for me. I really don't need this kind of humiliation on top of the pain and anguish I'm already going through.

[Jb101]

I tell you one thing... if you think contact will you make you feel better somehow... look at it like this ... it's like being burned in a fire then turning to the fire to heal you... Ya'll keep up the good work , I failed several times but I'm done with this and the pain it caused ... the pain I caused ... I knew better! :'(

So true.

All I can say from where I am atm... . I think it will be when if she ever rang, said sorry for it all and wanted to work it out I'd say hell no. Obviously not there yet either, because some stupid part of me still craves her doing just that.

[sirius]

Let me relate what just happened to me today, I am in NC since 21st April, today I went to see my therapist and he told me that he received a call from my uBPDexGF on 21st April, almost 2 weeks ago asking for information and he told her that he need to get my permission to be able to talk to her about me. So on the 21st April, i went to sign the disclaimer at the office and my T called her on 23rd April. Here's the conversation (i was only told about this today ):

T: Hello, Ms.BPD, I am mrT for Sirius, he has been our patient/client here for the past months and has been here every Sunday and fortnightly, how can I help you?

Ms.BPD: Ah... . so you are the T for Sirius eh? Do you know that he has gotten worst than before he went to you, please tell him to stop harassing me or I will take up a restraining order. ... . hang up

What the heck! what did i do? The last time on 20th April when I decided to go NC, I emailed her all the passwords and access that belonged to joined emails and account that we had because I don"t want it anymore and she can do whatever she wanted with it, I am so done with it.

To her, that is harrassement or what? It makes me more determine now that this person is beyond repair 

[bunnyrabit]

Let me relate what just happened to me today, I am in NC since 21st April, today I went to see my therapist and he told me that he received a call from my uBPDexGF on 21st April, almost 2 weeks ago asking for information and he told her that he need to get my permission to be able to talk to her about me. So on the 21st April, i went to sign the disclaimer at the office and my T called her on 23rd April. Here's the conversation (i was only told about this today ):

T: Hello, Ms.BPD, I am mrT for Sirius, he has been our patient/client here for the past months and has been here every Sunday and fortnightly, how can I help you?

Ms.BPD: Ah... . so you are the T for Sirius eh? Do you know that he has gotten worst than before he went to you, please tell him to stop harassing me or I will take up a restraining order. ... . hang up

What the heck! what did i do? The last time on 20th April when I decided to go NC, I emailed her all the passwords and access that belonged to joined emails and account that we had because I don"t want it anymore and she can do whatever she wanted with it, I am so done with it.

To her, that is harrassement or what? It makes me more determine now that this person is beyond repair 

Remember that they have a serious mental illness. Although it may sometimes not seem so, very little of what they do or say makes a lot of sense. Mine went ahead and falsely accused me of sexually molesting her son some time ago. Once they start spitting you black, there really is no limit to their fantasy.

[Split black]

I'm going on 9 days of NC, and although I know it's the healthiest path, a part of me wishes he would reach out so I could at least know he's thinking about me or missing me.

I feel this internal war between my heart and mind constantly. I find myself checking my phone frequently, wishing I would see a new text from him, yet the logical, sensible part of me knows that NC is the only way I will ever begin to heal. I can't allow myself to get sucked back into his destructive world. He has proven over and over that he has no problem dropping me and cutting me off in a heartbeat... . so why do I still love this man? When will I be able to let him go completely?

It took me 60 days to feel somewhat less insane, angry, sad, disgusted, and ruminating constantly... .   there are relapses when something is triggered... . like they text or reach out, or start smearing your name all over your town with anyone that they can recruit ( which is a whole other story)  ... . but if they do reach out, trust me its NEVER because they miss you its because they need something from you and you're on their hit list along with many others.

Hang in there... . date. Try to have fun, then actually have fun... . and the minute you TRULY... .   give up any thought or hope of going back for any reason EVER... . you will detach and feel oh so much better. In the meantime RUN and be thankful.

[Narellan]

So true split black. I feel so much lighter today. It will be 8 weeks on Thursday since the split, and only a few words/ texts which did really set me back. And checking him on FB which I now don't do. I had an urge last night to take a peek but remembered how it did me undone last time I looked. That urge passed and today is a new day with no baggage. When he comes back( which he will) I have a plan in place how ill respond and every day I visualise this. It gives me power and a sense of control. I think it's when they do unpredictable things and we get caught off guard that we lose our control. By being in here and reading up on everyone's situations, I've learned what might happen to me, and visualised an appropriate response to everything including being painted black. It's great to be able to predict likely happenings.