No Contact Questions

[Exeter]

A question I have on going no contact goes along with the exBPD's out of sight out of mind mentality and the abandonment. 

I understand to protect ourselves and to heal we want to cut all contact, however is that not in reality actually abandoning the exBPD?  They have a fear of rejection and abandonment, blame us for leaving when they are pushing us away, and when we go no-contact we validate that or make that a reality because we truly are abandoning them.

If we agree that there is a breakup/makeup cycle and we agree that they will not want to get better and are therapy resistant then why is there even forums for Staying or Undecided?  What I am trying to say is, it sounds like BPD's are made out to be hopeless, they don't want to get better, however are we condemning the disorder/person and not dealing with it? 

I understand that in reading this you might think he is rationalizing or feeling sympathy for exBPD should she ever call and say she really wants to get help(re-engaging), and then the makeup/breakup cycle will start again and more hurt will occur.  I'm thinking since we have a child together that it will always be LC and even if she does contact down the road the best advice I can give is to go back to therapy and that is it, there is nothing more I can do for her.  That is keeping my boundaries yet offering a lifeline of hope for themselves, or is it preventing me from healing since I am the one going into false hope mode thinking they will ever "wake up"?

I agree that the relationship was abusive and accept that it is over, in fact part of me debates what makes this relationship ending from any other aside from the bad things this person has done to me?  I was cheated on multiple times, yet I have been cheated on before in two other relationships I was in - I left each time and I finally left this time in January.

What complicates matters mentally to me is that we do have a son together and he is 18 months old today, the brain of the BPD does not work like NON's and so that whole maternal-instinct wouldn't you think a mother would want to spend more time with her child rather than be irresponsible and just jump right into a quick fix relationship is not the case - I have depicted BPD's or thought about her mentality even before I figured out what disorder she had or even knew she had one - they do not know the consequences of their own actions and the pain it is going to cause them or others.

Social Media Questions

Establishing No Contact on Social Media, should I just block her?  Her family are all still friends with me so they will let her see my page if given their account information.  Is there any way on facebook to delete all mutual friends and have her never be able to see my page, OR is that too excessive?  My issue is, I have actually done no contact before with other ex's-not even knowing it had a term "no contact", I would just get rid of everything pictures, gifts, letters, everything even from healthy relationships that ended or non-mental illness relationships that ended, yet FB and other sites have complicated issues, meaning if I just delete her, she can comment on other mutual friends posts and I will see it, and in order to heal appropriately I need total no contact, so do I delete all mutual friends as well, do I block her entire family?  Is there a thread somewhere explaining how to do this?

We have pictures, videos on youtube in my YT account of our old family, and none of this stuff is healthy to keep around IMO in moving past this abuser.  Should I delete everything or download, flashdrive, and save for my son someday?

[LettingGo14]

Thanks for posting Exeter.  Here are some thoughts I have.

A question I have on going no contact goes along with the exBPD's out of sight out of mind mentality and the abandonment. 

I understand to protect ourselves and to heal we want to cut all contact, however is that not in reality actually abandoning the exBPD?  They have a fear of rejection and abandonment, blame us for leaving when they are pushing us away, and when we go no-contact we validate that or make that a reality because we truly are abandoning them.

In my opinion, "no contact" might best be viewed as a technique to give one or both parties "space" for reflection.   Unfortunately, it sometimes becomes a weapon used to hurt or manipulate.  Every one of us have different situations, but share common characteristics.   If the drama is high, "no contact" is a "time out."  And, to your point, how it is implemented and communicated is important, depending on your situation.   If the relationship is over, for instance, a firm "no contact" stance can allow a chapter to close, and a new one to open.   If a relationship is still in push/pull then implementation is harder, and may be triggering for one or both people.

If we agree that there is a breakup/makeup cycle and we agree that they will not want to get better and are therapy resistant then why is there even forums for Staying or Undecided?  What I am trying to say is, it sounds like BPD's are made out to be hopeless, they don't want to get better, however are we condemning the disorder/person and not dealing with it? 

We probably agree that it's not fair to make generalized, overly broad statements, right?  There are success stories, and a range of variable to consider.   There's a Staying board with people who want to stay, and who practice techniques to manage things; there's an Undecided board for people who are undecided; and, of course, there's the Leaving board for those of us who hope to move on.

I'm thinking since we have a child together that it will always be LC and even if she does contact down the road the best advice I can give is to go back to therapy and that is it, there is nothing more I can do for her.  That is keeping my boundaries yet offering a lifeline of hope for themselves, or is it preventing me from healing since I am the one going into false hope mode thinking they will ever "wake up"?

Yes, with a child, it would appear that Limited Contact is important, and particularly important to the child's best interests.  I'm not sure that it's necessary for you to give further advice about treatment, or things you can or can't do for your ex-partner; however, I'm sure you will want to ensure the health and happiness of your child (and, as a divorced parent myself, I'm learning that my own mental health is where I should focus).

What complicates matters mentally to me is that we do have a son together and he is 18 months old today, the brain of the BPD does not work like NON's and so that whole maternal-instinct wouldn't you think a mother would want to spend more time with her child rather than be irresponsible and just jump right into a quick fix relationship is not the case - I have depicted BPD's or thought about her mentality even before I figured out what disorder she had or even knew she had one - they do not know the consequences of their own actions and the pain it is going to cause them or others.

Hundreds of people in this community co-parent.  It's a process of learning how to do so.   Without knowing specific details, what plans do you have now for custody and/or co-parenting?

Establishing No Contact on Social Media, should I just block her? 

That's a question for you to answer.   Start with defining what "no contact" means for you.  Is it to give you space?  Is it to help you detach?   Given your child, you will likely need Limited Contact, but that doesn't mean you need to be "facebook" friends.   

Her family are all still friends with me so they will let her see my page if given their account information.  Is there any way on facebook to delete all mutual friends and have her never be able to see my page, OR is that too excessive?  My issue is, I have actually done no contact before with other ex's-not even knowing it had a term "no contact", I would just get rid of everything pictures, gifts, letters, everything even from healthy relationships that ended or non-mental illness relationships that ended, yet FB and other sites have complicated issues, meaning if I just delete her, she can comment on other mutual friends posts and I will see it, and in order to heal appropriately I need total no contact, so do I delete all mutual friends as well, do I block her entire family?  Is there a thread somewhere explaining how to do this?

The short answer is blocking on Facebook means that you won't see each other's posts.  The longer answer is that you need to decide what is best for you and your child.   You could "deactivate" facebook for a period of time instead of blocking anyone -- you could stop checking it -- you could stop posting.  What do you think is best given your circumstances?

We have pictures, videos on youtube in my YT account of our old family, and none of this stuff is healthy to keep around IMO in moving past this abuser.  Should I delete everything or download, flashdrive, and save for my son someday?

Is it possible to put the stuff away for a while and decide what to do later?   Your son might like the items some day.   No reason you can't wait to decide until later.

Is that helpful?

[BacknthSaddle]

I can't improve on any of what Letting Go has already said, but I'll just second the implicit sentiment that you shouldn't go "no contact" just because everyone here thinks that's the thing to do.  You have to ask yourself why you would do this, what you hope to gain.  If the answer is that every contact you have results in pain and anger, then I agree you should limit contact as much as is reasonable give your family situation, even if that means deactivating facebook or "unfriending" people through whom contact might unintentionally occur.  But yes, too many of us use it as some sort of "test" initially, so it is important to establish your motives first and foremost. 

As for whether or not we are avoiding "dealing with" BPD through no contact, I would just suggest that, as much as you may care for your BPDx (and most of us do care quite a lot), detaching is to some degree about recognizing that your primary priority has to be your own mental health if you are going to be happy.  This is true of everyone, us and our BPDxs alike. And, if you're mental health is going to be compromised by trying to attend to someone else's, you are doing yourself a disservice. 

[Exeter]

Thank you for your responses, and the reality is that I am in a trapped situation only because of circumstance.  The negative about this is that if I keep facebook contact available, she just liked two comments on my wall the other night while I have completely ignored her posts, so she wants my attention yet is not getting it.  If I delete her, its out of sight out of mind and she will not come back and might not seek help on her own.  If I do though I can start the healing process which is what I need, even if down the road there was some option or possibility I need to be healthy to handle this.

The issue remains you can't help a BPD if you are not healthy, yet you aren't healthy because they hurt you, so how can you help them while being with them if you are not healthy because of their actions?  The only way is if they are committed to getting therapy and changing and I think whether I delete her or not on FB and other Social Media, she will get help if she wants to and I don't think she is committed to that. 

I honestly do not know how much I loved this person, I have only cried two or three times total in the entire 2.5 years together or even the past 17 months of which the cheating entered.  Making me seriously question my inability to feel that much for this person.  I feel pity and regret, as if they have successfully projected their pain from their guilt and shame on to me yet my response is in different forms.  They are going to miss 14 years of my sons life through calculation of time spent with me versus the limited visitation she has and that to me is madness.  Why would anyone want that? 

I was not in a relationship for 2 years until I met her, I had no intentions of getting in one, and was one month away from moving out of state as I had saved up money.  I do not fit the pattern of some that "came out of a bad relationship", when a relationship ends they usually do not end happily for both people, and we all move on is the point. 

I also feel I was forced into co-dependancy as I did not have custody of my son until after the second time she cheated.  If I didn't forgive and try to fix this I would not have my son the majority of the time and could raise him in a healthier environment as the therapist I went to see said I have some co-dependant issues which I think is debateable due to the circumstances yet could be true otherwise I do not have a mental illness.

Yes she's pretty, however I am very confident in all areas of my life aside from currently there is some concern as to where I am going yet that's current confusion, not going to last forever.  I have a good job, company car, paid good money, attractive, I know I'm good in bed even before I met her, you might say I'm narcissistic hearing all this and I will even admit that a previous person I used to sleep with told me this in anger twice.  Yet can I not just be a confident person?  Self-Esteem is considered a bad thing now.

She literally said to me one time, she feels that I should be with someone else because I am better than her at everything she can do.  That is her own low self-esteem issues yet part of me believes it, not out of anger or hurt, yet I am pretty good at a lot of things because I do not have emotional extremes. 

I raised a child, held a good job, and graduated college with my Bachelors Degree in Accounting on April 28th, while all of this has been going on over the past 1.5 years so I am somewhat successful.  There is some things she can do good I am sure of it, however its not a competition and her negative perception of me, herself, and everyone else is horrifying to deal with.

A relationship with a BPD seems like one in which its like high school in which the couple breaks up/makes up over and over until they either burn themselves out or it lasts forever.  Which coincides with the teenager mentality that most BPD's operate with.

She said many times that in all the relationships of the past where she cheated she would eventually leave that person, most likely because they were hurt.  She has never dated the same person twice since our break up/get back together and the overall factor of her rollercoaster relationship style is that I am always going to have something that other men do not, our son.  Which means she is more apt than most "I would think" when the next replacement is sent reeling or leaves to come back to me.  Without therapy though there is no way she is going to get better, and while I can be patient, I really can, is it fair to put my life in stasis because she is mentally ill and refuses to get help and instead self-medicates to feel better temporarily to later feel worse?

In becoming aware of the disorder and her multiple attempts at therapy of which she fails and goes back to her ways of promiscuous sex, am I being asked the question here of whether I want to go on forever on this path with her?  I don't see that as growth, like I can get better and get healthy, and I will wait until her relationship is currently over with and then we can try again. 

I have some emotional fear of her because of what she does and her extremes, yet I fear for our son the most, and my current thought process, not out of revenge yet to protect him is to consider is staying close safest so that she would not get him for 2 and 1/2 months straight or is it safest to move across country, as I have the means, and start a new life away from her, and have him fly back during the summer? <would love thoughts on this

My response is this, she's made a decision not to work on "us" anymore, and not to see each anymore, she made that on April 5th and while going to church and sober calculated, targeted and had an emotional affair before it became physical.  The key here was to stop the "working on us" so that it could not be called cheating, which gives her an out or pass when she tries to come back < that is my prediction. 

If she can do that while sober not on any drugs, going to church, posting Bible scriptures to her facebook page, then relapse is not being helped or reduced by those positive outlets.  Therefore since she made her decisions it forces me to either wait... . I don't see what for - her coming to her senses, or should I do the more logical and probably responsible thing of trying to get better?

I don't see unfriending her as a test, I do look at her page sometimes and it hurts and I don't see that "relationship status change" yet, however when I do it will hurt, if it gets that far.  Mind you this guy has no car and no job, he is in mildly better physical shape then me I will humbly admit.  Since he has no job he can feed into her ego endlessly because of having all the time in the world, and therefore it will be very hard for her to break from that, the real question is will the sex overpower the irrational thoughts and accusations that will come to possibly drive him away.  I cannot predict that.

I'm on stage 2 today reading on Anger, I'm not overly angry at the moment, I'm angry when she realizes what she's done and I have to help her pick up the pieces because SHE NEVER LISTENS WHEN I TRY TO TELL HER YOU ARE GOING TO REGRET THIS, and she always does.  Do I think she will try to come back, yes, yet hoping I am wrong, and I might be wrong like I said, that guy with no job and him being there will create a longer span of influence and attention seeking that she needs.

[LettingGo14]

The issue remains you can't help a BPD if you are not healthy, yet you aren't healthy because they hurt you, so how can you help them while being with them if you are not healthy because of their actions?  The only way is if they are committed to getting therapy and changing and I think whether I delete her or not on FB and other Social Media, she will get help if she wants to and I don't think she is committed to that.

I'm going to ask questions merely to prompt additional thinking, not to challenge you.   Ultimately, you can decide what you want to do.

What if we start with what we can control?   What if we committed to stopping use of social media for a while?  Then, we don't have posts to like or dislike.  We create space for ourselves.

I honestly do not know how much I loved this person, I have only cried two or three times total in the entire 2.5 years together or even the past 17 months of which the cheating entered.  Making me seriously question my inability to feel that much for this person.  I feel pity and regret, as if they have successfully projected their pain from their guilt and shame on to me yet my response is in different forms.  They are going to miss 14 years of my sons life through calculation of time spent with me versus the limited visitation she has and that to me is madness.  Why would anyone want that?

What is the custody plan?  Is it now legally agreed upon, and binding?

 

I was not in a relationship for 2 years until I met her, I had no intentions of getting in one, and was one month away from moving out of state as I had saved up money.  I do not fit the pattern of some that "came out of a bad relationship", when a relationship ends they usually do not end happily for both people, and we all move on is the point.

It's good you can reflect on where you were at the time.  

I also feel I was forced into co-dependancy as I did not have custody of my son until after the second time she cheated.  If I didn't forgive and try to fix this I would not have my son the majority of the time and could raise him in a healthier environment as the therapist I went to see said I have some co-dependant issues which I think is debateable due to the circumstances yet could be true otherwise I do not have a mental illness.

We all have co-dependency to some degree or another.  Labeling co-dependency sometimes makes it seem "bad" -- when sometimes it is what it is.  It might be simply something to be aware of, i.e. when am I triggered?  What are my reactions?  Can I hold my own emotional well-being in the face of conflict?

Yes she's pretty, however I am very confident in all areas of my life aside from currently there is some concern as to where I am going yet that's current confusion, not going to last forever.  I have a good job, company car, paid good money, attractive, I know I'm good in bed even before I met her, you might say I'm narcissistic hearing all this and I will even admit that a previous person I used to sleep with told me this in anger twice.  Yet can I not just be a confident person?  Self-Esteem is considered a bad thing now.

Self-esteem, in my opinion, sometimes misses the deeper value of self-worth.   We are more than our jobs, our salaries, our cars, or our physical attractiveness.    Self-worth is an important goal because it influences how we set boundaries, regulate emotions, and make decisions in relation to people we love, especially our children.

She literally said to me one time, she feels that I should be with someone else because I am better than her at everything she can do.  That is her own low self-esteem issues yet part of me believes it, not out of anger or hurt, yet I am pretty good at a lot of things because I do not have emotional extremes.  

I raised a child, held a good job, and graduated college with my Bachelors Degree in Accounting on April 28th, while all of this has been going on over the past 1.5 years so I am somewhat successful.  There is some things she can do good I am sure of it, however its not a competition and her negative perception of me, herself, and everyone else is horrifying to deal with.

A relationship with a BPD seems like one in which its like high school in which the couple breaks up/makes up over and over until they either burn themselves out or it lasts forever.  Which coincides with the teenager mentality that most BPD's operate with.

Respectfully, it might be oversimplified to reduce everything into a "relationship with a BPD" --  we were in relationships with human beings who suffer from things we might not know.

If we turn attention to ourselves, we can decide -- ok, the relationship did not work.  We can say, I did everything I could do.

Then we ask, what do we need to do to move on, and, in our case, what do we do to provide for child/children?

Without therapy though there is no way she is going to get better, and while I can be patient, I really can, is it fair to put my life in stasis because she is mentally ill and refuses to get help and instead self-medicates to feel better temporarily to later feel worse?

Only you can decide what is best for you and your child.  Have you read this --- Can BPD be cured or go into remission?

In becoming aware of the disorder and her multiple attempts at therapy of which she fails and goes back to her ways of promiscuous sex, am I being asked the question here of whether I want to go on forever on this path with her?  I don't see that as growth, like I can get better and get healthy, and I will wait until her relationship is currently over with and then we can try again.  

Awareness is not obligating you to any path.  Only you can decide what is healthy for you.

I have some emotional fear of her because of what she does and her extremes, yet I fear for our son the most, and my current thought process, not out of revenge yet to protect him is to consider is staying close safest so that she would not get him for 2 and 1/2 months straight or is it safest to move across country, as I have the means, and start a new life away from her, and have him fly back during the summer?

You could post the question here, Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody  , but it may have legal implications that limit your options.   Has a court awarded you sole custody?  

I'm on stage 2 today reading on Anger, I'm not overly angry at the moment, I'm angry when she realizes what she's done and I have to help her pick up the pieces because SHE NEVER LISTENS WHEN I TRY TO TELL HER YOU ARE GOING TO REGRET THIS, and she always does.  :)o I think she will try to come back, yes, yet hoping I am wrong, and I might be wrong like I said, that guy with no job and him being there will create a longer span of influence and attention seeking that she needs.

This is all incredibly difficult, but it's good work to do.  I commend you for doing the work.

Keep posting.  We're here for you.

[BacknthSaddle]

Self-esteem, in my opinion, sometimes misses the deeper value of self-worth.   We are more than our jobs, our cares, our attractiveness.    Self-worth is an important goal because it influences how we set boundaries, regulate emotions, and make decisions in relation to people we love, especially our children.

This is a point that I did not realize until I went through this r/s, and I think there is such significance and depth to it. Now whenever I find myself trying to convince myself that I'm "good enough" and start listing my accomplishments and features, I take a step back.  Many of us who are attracted to pwBPD have this issue of viewing ourselves as a list of attributes rather than as whole individuals who have value simply from being individuals. I was in fact stunned at 35 years old to learn that everyone didn't view "self-esteem" in this same way. 

[Exeter]

What if we start with what we can control?   What if we committed to stopping use of social media for a while?  Then, we don't have posts to like or dislike.  We create space for ourselves.

I can stop use of it through deactivation yet if I do that I will look like a victim or she will blame me for abandonment without me even hearing her say it.  I cannot control the latter and I do not want to look like a victim. 

My internal debate here is if I unfriend her even that shows that she is getting to me, when in fact its true due to the fact that I am currently hurt.  I want the pain and heightened anxiety to stop and the question remains do I act like this does not bother me on social media as a way of driving her crazy since I am not giving in to her attention?  Or do I just nip it in the bud and delete and move on.  I feel its time, yet I am currently in a shell I woke up at 5:30 AM could not fall back asleep as I laid eyes closed trying to debate this in my mind(the situation) and then got up at 8:00 AM and have been back onsite since.

I understand the process is going to be a slow heal, and I might lose my job in the process of investing so much time into this as its providing me some relief and distraction.

What is the custody plan?  Is it now legally agreed upon, and binding?

I have primary custody, I get him in the week during school year, she gets him in the summer, weekends are for the alternate parent.  Holidays rotate yearly, and it is a legal, signed, binded by a judge custody agreement.  Its went through the court system months ago.

We all have co-dependency to some degree or another.  Labeling co-dependency sometimes makes it seem "bad" -- when sometimes it is what it is.  It might be simply something to be aware of, i.e. when am I triggered?  What are my reactions?  Can I hold my own emotional well-being in the face of conflict?

I don't think I really even mind if I am, the co-dependency article I read on this site seemed very extreme, I can enjoy life on my own, even when I am single.  I don't mind the label of it either, however helping people or wanting to is not a bad thing.  The similarity yet difference here is that we are dealing with a sick minded individual like a cocaine addict and the parent is always hurt when the child overdoses or does too much drugs, the difference in these relationships is that its always cheating and infidelity is almost always a dealbreaker, ruins relationships and marriages and there is an issue of helping people and then trying to help people who are hurting you and that is messed up and wrong.  Which is why I am ok with this being done for good, its sad as hell, I wanted my son to grow up with both of his parents however I never married her, she did not want to get married getting out of a divorce herself and therefore I have no obligation to her, I made no vows to God to her.

Praise God though, through my story while many people can say, even me that I am a victim, because I am, I survived, I have custody of my son, and I feel like I kind of won the war yet lost many battles along the way.  The truth is we both lost, she lost the relationship and her son for long periods of time, and I lost the relationships potential future.

If we turn attention to ourselves, we can decide -- ok, the relationship did not work.  We can say, I did everything I could do.

Then we ask, what do we need to do to move on, and, in our case, what do we do to provide for child/children?

I have said these things, I did everything I could do IMO.  Forgiveness, Compassion, Church, Therapy, it did not work.

I need to get healthy and in doing so I need to start therapy and get through that and have a support network, hopefully I will retain my job and an opportunity has presented itself to get some accounting experience.  However moving far away from here is my defense mechanism in relation to anxiety of wanting to run to avoid dealing with her.  I need to get healthy in order to better provide for my son, he is doing well and I have relatives that are doing a great job helping take care of him while I try to heal.  I really would like to consider moving though as I said before I met or when I met her that I was planning on going to the city, well I got my degree, might go for my Masters and then I really might move to a different city and a different paying job.  Those are long term goals.

Only you can decide what is best for you and your child.  Have you read this --- Can BPD be cured or go into remission?

No I have not however have read 5 different sites information on BPD as well as the wikipedia epic on the disorder.

You could post the question here, Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody  , but it may have legal implications that limit your options.   Has a court awarded you sole custody?  

No, I do not have sole custody, however it says nothing in the custody agreement about moving, and it does say specifically that my son has to go to the school district of which I am locally in, it does not specify the state the court papers were done in.  Which means wherever I live he has to go to school, in most custody agreements or even divorces regardless of what is put on the paper unless specifically stated you cannot keep an individual from moving on to a better job or better life somewhere else.

[Split black]

Maybe Im going against the politically correct thing to say here... . but... . I have been hard pressed to find any success stories anywhere. And if there are, they appear to be in the extreme minority.

From my humble experience... . which is extensive because it would seem I have been a BPD magnet of late... . if you are driven to NC because of their unacceptable behavior... . ie, lying,cheating, manipulation, push/pull, total lack of empathy... . etc etc ad nauseam... . then you really have very little choice except to go TOTAL NC if possible for your own sanity.

If you hang on to even a shred of hope that they will change... . and they will NOT change without years and years of various behavioral therapies, this fact is well documented... . ( and most just wont stay with it or do it because, well... . they dont have to... . they get away with their survival strategies due to their charm and seductiveness). You're going to be in a universe of hurt and disappointment until you are permanently cast out and banished. Sad.

[LettingGo14]

Maybe Im going against the politically correct thing to say here... . but... . I have been hard pressed to find any success stories anywhere. And if there are, they appear to be in the extreme minority.

I'm on the Leaving board like you, SB, so I focus on NC too.  But, then again, if there are kids involved -- other factors -- then LC might be best option.   I think, if I am learning anything about myself here, we heal best when we choose what path we want to take.

From my humble experience... . which is extensive because it would seem I have been a BPD magnet of late... . if you are driven to NC because of their unacceptable behavior... . ie, lying,cheating, manipulation, push/pull, total lack of empathy... . etc etc ad nauseam... . then you really have very little choice except to go TOTAL NC if possible for your own sanity.

Again, if children involved, NC is not really an option.  But, your point is taken -- no contact can help restore our sense of space & sanity.

You're going to be in a universe of hurt and disappointment until you are permanently cast out and banished.

The one thing I am taking away from hurt and disappointment is that I might be bruised, but not broken.  I had all the red flags, and I ignored them -- but being cast out and banished now opens up a whole world of possibility for me.   I'm grateful for it (most days   ).

[LettingGo14]

I feel your pain. Get angry... .  

SB - Ha!  I'm going zen, brother.  Because  "Anger is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die."

[Split black]

I feel your pain. Get angry... .  

SB - Ha!  I'm going zen, brother.  Because  "Anger is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die."

Or... .


Anger as soon as fed is dead -

'Tis starving makes it fat.

~Emily Dickinson

Get angry, get furious but never crumble to resentment. ~Dodinsky,

If you are patient in a moment of anger, you will escape one hundred days of sorrow. ~Chinese Proverb

When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. ~Mark Twain

Just sayin' 

[Exeter]

SB - Ha!  I'm going zen, brother.  Because  "Anger is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die."

I find this interesting, I actually think the way they try to self-medicate in unhealthy ways, paint black, act out, get angry, be vengeful is really them drinking the poison and hoping we die and we don't.

Does anyone remember "kill them with kindess"?

[Narellan]

Everyone's offered some great advice already, so can I just add that I had the same social media dilemma and it was doing my head in, so I deactivated Facebook and that certainly has helped me detach. I did sneak a peek one night when feeling isolated, and to see what he was posting made me physically sick and set me back tenfold.

[Narellan]

And I walked away with kindness and dignity. He thinks were still friends, but were not. Luckily we are NC and while he has that friend  illusion of me things are quiet and he's leaving me to move on.

[Exeter]

She liked two comments of mine on Tues and changed her profile picture that night - apparently tempting me to look, that was the last time I looked at her page.  Have not snuck a peek since, I know its Friday yet I have no desire to see her page or her even on the newsfeed.  The annoying thing is that in that 9 block section of friends her pic is always there, I think because the system knows we used to be together, even on my own wall she's there.

Last night she texted me asking how our son was doing after asking my mother hours earlier.

Today she has texted me 4 times telling me when shes going to get him, then asking me where our son would be home/daycare, I responded since it was a question about our son and not a statement, 1 word Sitter,

"ok well you didn't respond earlier"

"my belt came off my van I will pick him up as soon as possible"

I would have responded had the original statement been a question, and on Fridays I never know whether my son is at day care or not, sounds bad yet its because 3 people here can pick him up(authorized) and I don't know if they take the day off early - relatives so its all ok.  I am an hour away working so she always asks and its like, I have no idea, try daycare, and if not there he is at home, if not there call grandma/grandpa yet they know she picks him up for weekends so my son has always been at daycare or at home.

I thought about responding to the last text explaining myself or why I would have no idea where he is at and since she is constantly late, I never did respond to those remarks I did not want to engage an argument and felt it was no point trying to get her to understand.

[Narellan]

You sound like you've got a good grip on it all, and it seems she is trying to overly engage you. You've got good boundaries happening there. Ill take a leaf out of your book.