Long post... think i'm losing it...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Here is my introduction:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=222428.0

Since then, i had one more recylce. Lasted two days until she started devaluating me once more. I flipped out and told her to leave my flat. This was about three weeks ago. Since then NC, until two days ago the emails start again.

I wish i would not delete them so fast, so i would have a history of what she tells me. But the mails where she devaluates me so so bad telling me i was never there for her, that me and all my family are *insert awful curse words here*. I get so angry reading this things i always delete them right after.

I try so many times to explain her how she hurts me when she splits and starts to paint me black, but i either get an email back telling me i am the worst person in the world and to never contact her again. Or she replies with a few lines, telling me please try again, please come here, etc. It really does my head in!  

So i will post a little of the emails i didn't delete from yesterday and today... . please can you guys be brutal and honest? I don't need to hear so much about her, and i don't have much to post from her anyway, since like i say above, i delete the ugly mails from her so fast... . So please focus on me if you can, on my part of the mails... . and tell me what you think, honestly.

I'm at the point where i can take it. She told me so many times in one year what a ___ of a person i am, i can handle a little criticism, trust me. Please be brutal and honest.

Yesterday i wrote her a long email in the morning after she made the statement: "I never said a bad word to you in the last six months"... . i wrote a long email from my heart explaining her very openly how i feel deep inside and trying to give her examples how her words hurt me every time she painted me black and told me to go to the devil. Her initial response was ZERO empathy, and instead writing me again all i ever did wrong, plus telling me that me and my family are all crazy and mother___ers... . you know how it goes, i'm sure... .

Then later yesterday night this:

[jibber]

Here is my introduction:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=222428.0

Since then, i had one more recylce. Lasted two days until she started devaluating me once more. I flipped out and told her to leave my flat. This was about three weeks ago. Since then NC, until two days ago the emails start again.

I wish i would not delete them so fast, so i would have a history of what she tells me. But the mails where she devaluates me so so bad telling me i was never there for her, that me and all my family are *insert awful curse words here*. I get so angry reading this things i always delete them right after.

I try so many times to explain her how she hurts me when she splits and starts to paint me black, but i either get an email back telling me i am the worst person in the world and to never contact her again. Or she replies with a few lines, telling me please try again, please come here, etc. It really does my head in!  

So i will post a little of the emails i didn't delete from yesterday and today... . please can you guys be brutal and honest? I don't need to hear so much about her, and i don't have much to post from her anyway, since like i say above, i delete the ugly mails from her so fast... . So please focus on me if you can, on my part of the mails... . and tell me what you think, honestly.

I'm at the point where i can take it. She told me so many times in one year what a ___ of a person i am, i can handle a little criticism, trust me. Please be brutal and honest.

Yesterday i wrote her a long email in the morning after she made the statement: "I never said a bad word to you in the last six months"... . i wrote a long email from my heart explaining her very openly how i feel deep inside and trying to give her examples how her words hurt me every time she painted me black and told me to go to the devil. Her initial response was ZERO empathy, and instead writing me again all i ever did wrong, plus telling me that me and my family are all crazy and mother___ers... . you know how it goes, i'm sure... .

Then later yesterday night this:

[jibber]

HER:

Come here

HER:

buenas noches koalita mio,miss u too

Then i wrote another long email:

ME:

Nothing will change... . How?

I can't anymore.

You say how hard you have it, i never say is not true.

Maybe i have it hard too? Money never made anybody happy you know? And a flat and nice car has never made anybody happy too. They are just nice things to have like all material things, but at the end of the day, they don't decide someones happiness.

You know what is one thing really bad about being depressed? The normal life things become really really hard. I have anxiety to go to work... . (And ___ing tears in my eyes for this too when i write it or think about it)... . I have ___ing anxiety to go to work!

Because how do you motivate yourself to do the things at work, when you have no more motivation for life, for anything?

I manage to do some things, but other things i just can't... . Some i do really late and people start to be annoyed with me, because i used to work really good, always help and get things done without people have to tell me do it... . But now is so hard to still care... . I don't care about myself anymore so how the ___ i can find energy for the rest... .

I have a video conference in a week with a high person from the company and 9 other countries. I should make a test before with all of them... . They write me emails since last week... . I didn't answer yet... .

I have tomorrow at 7:15 another video conference, and my biggest worry is can i motivate myself to take a shower and be ready and somehow sleep more than 3 hours, and i pray i can wake up... .

I have anxiety to tell people i am depressed, but i can't hide it... . I changed so much. I told you one time, that something broke in me after i cut myself (is my fault i cut myself, is not your fault how i handle my pain after i was hurt from what we say)... . But was not a joke, something broke... . Is not a joke i cry more since january than in my whole life before, is not a joke i am scared about it.

For me in this moment, is a big big success when i manage to keep the flat clean, buy food, and take a shower each day, and if i am really lucky, no tears and feeling like the last person on earth. Is a big big success when i can do the absolute minimum of the "normal" things in life.

I keep doing this absolute basic things so i will not go to a psychiatric clinic or whatever they do with people who give up.

I do it because of nothing else anymore... . I have no more joy in this things, no motivation.

So this is one of the hardest things when i even think about fighting my depression... .

You use ALL the energy you have, to force your ass to find some "fake" motivation to do the very basic things every day that you have to do in this society. But it really takes so much energy, because how do you fake motivation?

And when you come home every day so down and depressed, even more depressed than you wake up, because on top of it that you had another bad day at work, you feel more bad because you know you didn't work good, you know you fail in many things and it shows more and more... . But you used all your ___ing energy to do just one little task each day at least... .

And then you come home, finally close the door... . But can you find peace? No... .

You know what i do to help myself not to cry from the moment i come home until i go to bed? I force myself to play video games. Sometimes it works, having to concentrate and forget for a moment everything. Sometimes it doesn't work and i cry until i have a headache, which helps to stop crying too sometimes.

I have put the music in front of the couch because i thought will motivate me maybe to try and do it, but i never use it alone anymore. I put it in a corner everything and in the cupboards. I lost my motivation 100% to even try and make music... . Music needs a little happiness, a little hope when it's sad music, a little having dreams. But i have no more happiness, no more hope and no more dreams.

So... . I make a book until i reach the point i want to say, i'm sorry i am like this... .

The ___ with being in a depression is how you find energy to fight it, when you barely have the energy to still do the very basic ___ in life, like buying food (i eat two croissants since 2 days ago since we write again), or going to work, not do the work, just go there... .

My parents they beg me to try another psychologue, they read about a good one for depression. But i just say i can't anymore... .

Was not a joke when i go there on easter weekend, i mange to finish dinner and then i cry in front of them almost 2 hours, not saying more than maybe 10 words and then i say "i'm so sorry... . Please i don't want you have to worry about me now in your life, i better go home than you see me like this... . ". My dad is 80 years old... . On top of everything, i feel the most guilty about this... . That i make him see his son like this when he will not have a very long life anymore... . I feel so ___ing bad for this!  ___ing tears like a waterfall... .

And i try my best to be just a little fake happy for them. I try not always sound so sad on the phone, i try to not cry in front of them... . Is so terrible, they are there and say is ok tonto don't worry about this, your pain is our pain... . But i feel soo guilty!

So i use all my energy for this, and for the joke that i call "doing my work" in the job, and for keeping the flat clean and cook and shower... .

Something broke in me when i cut myself.

And if we try again, same... . How it will change? And if you read above... . How you think i have the energy to hear another "why you are quiet?"? You see it in my reaction last time. You think i don't know was horrible my reaction? But i can't hear it anymore!

Can you imagine when you read this just a little little bit how is MY life? How does it help in this life the flat and the ___ing car? You know everybody has problems, everybody can have a life so full of anxiety and fear and depression because something broke them.

Something broke inside of me when i cut myself.

Was not your fault i cut myself.

But the reason i reach a point like this was this last year. Is not a joke when i say i really feel like a ___ now, like is better i stay away from people because i just hurt everybody i try to love. And the reason i believe this is how was our relationship and the things you say to me how i am not normal and can't have a couple. You say look you are a monster, but it is ME who feels like the monster! You said it really a lot and really clear how i am a ___... .

And now YOU... .

You think i don't know you have feelings too? You think i don't know when i hurt you that even if i don't undetstand why, that there is somewhere a valid reason, a valid feeling behind it that you are hurt?

You think i don't know how you have a million problems too? You think i don't know you HAVE A HEART TOO!

___ing super tonta... .

But how you expect me to have energy? How to listen and say something to your problems, when i don't even know what to say about my own problems anymore?

Did you notice i can almost not listen anymore to anything since i cut myself?

How i can think to ask about your day? When i don't even care or think to ask about my own days anymore?

How i can help you when i can barely keep my life together myself anymore?

Read again the beginning of the mail here were i say for one time how is MY life that people don't see from outside... .

And i know when i say this: "how i can i be there when i can't be there for myself anymore?"... . I know the answer from you, that "well, if you are like this jonas, you can't have a couple"... . I know that answer is probably right.

I have no more energy to hear one more "why you are quiet?". (You see my horrible reaction last time)

I have no more energy to hear one more time i was never there. I have no more energy to hear one more time i am not normal, one more time i did everything wrong and i'm a ___. I hear it! I hear it! I HEAR IT! Ok?

I know, how can i have a couple like this when i am scared next to you when i am quiet or serious? How can i have a couple if i am depressed like this and give myself up?

Is probably true. You think i don't know it?

But it really helped that i could hold you again. It really helped that i could make you smile again with being stupid for a moment. It really helped to hear from someone i am beautiful... .

The rest didn't help (WHAT WE BOTH DO, not you, not me, BOTH), and i don't have the energy anymore for it (i know you too, but look again above how easy is my "perfect" life).

How we will change?

Something broke when i cut myself, is not a joke.

Good night

Her reply:

come here please

Another reply from her:

i go to sleep,im tiered,please relax your mind,i love you mucho

And another reply in the morning today from her:

Im here,always,i dont know why but im still here waiting for us,i dont want to meet someone,we had a future plans so nice that i believed in them with all my heart and nothing made me so happy in the world... im still dreaming someday we could have them and enjoy together... .

I understand how you are now,believe me,is the worst feeling in the world,and im here... . if ypu need my help for something you know i will do everything to help you,i dont want you feel alone because you are not!

I dont want to hurt you anymore,and ifi did it i never did it conscient,same as i think you never did it to ___ my life... this is why im still here... .

You talk many times about terapy,depression,psicolegs... . jonas,the best terapy is yourself!

The psicoleg could help you in this case with pills as i did... . is not good!it helps in the begining but the problem still there,nobody can talk better about your problems or me if is not you or me,because the psicoleg will talk about your point of view,but who says is the best point of view in this situation?

If you want im ready to have a terapy with me and your family together,to talk about everything,to find a solution,i will support you in all your decisions,but is time you do something just for YOU.

im still here... .

te quiero tonto

My reply to her:

Nobody ever said anything about pills. I know very well that they don't fix problems. If i ever sit in the office of a psychiatric and he says one word about pills, i will tell him "thank you for your time, goodbye".

I know very well that only i can fix my problems. The solution is me. But i give up... . you know they say when you fall from the horse, if you don't get up again on that horse, you will never learn to ride it. But i don't try to get up anymore.

I always said to this people, "well, if you give up is your own fault, nobody can fight the battle for you, you can only do it yourself". And i still believe in this... . i just can't do it anymore.

I can't anymore Marta. Everytime the same, everytime "this time we will not fight anymore". And everytime we do EXACTLY the same ___ again.

In one year, more than 30 times! You know what statistics say about relationships and breakups? Over 50% of couple break up and get back together one more time, this is normal. If couples break up and get back together more than 3 times, they BOTH have psychological problems in some way.

Look how we hurt each other, look how crazy is our relationship dynamic! Look how we fight, and then we see each other again and sleep together with NO CONDOM! All this things! We act so immature like ___ing teenagers and we have no limits! And is not just me, is not just you... . it always TAKES TWO. We are unhealthy, this relationship is unhealthy, and we keep doing it!

What will change? How? Please i would love an answer that makes me believe again in us, that we even have just a little chance to stop doing the same things again and again. 

30 times we touch the hot plate, 30 times we burn our hands really really really bad! Why i should touch again the ___ing hot plate? How i can still trust it "this time the plate will not burn our hands"... . when it ___ing burned us 30 times in one year always EXACTLY THE SAME WAY!

I don't know how anymore HERname. I want to die every day because you know i wish nothing more than have a normal healthy relationship with you, but EVERYTHING in the last year say we can never do it!

You know i have two choices. Try again and realize again, that the ___ing hot plate REALLY burns my hand again, even after 30 times, when i will learn it will do it always? Or i can stop to try, and the result is i don't burn my hand anymore, but i also don't want to live anymore! Think again the story of the homeless child who can't go home but doesn't want another home, i know you understand it too.

This is all so ___ed up and damaged and broken Marta. And i'm broken too. And i can't find the glue! And even if i can find it, i don't know where to start fixing because is all such a ___ing BIG MESS!

Her reply to this:

The answer is in ypur hand,you choose,i will accept both

If you have questions or something is out of context or missing, unclear, etc. Please feel free to ask. I will try to give more insight if needed.

I know very well that i have issues myself. Nevertheless, it's astonishing how i can write her a long email and she will always reply with ONE sentence 99% of the time. Sometimes i feel like she doesn't even understand what she's reading? Or doesn't want to aknowledge it?

The only time i get a detailed reply from her or an answer to all my questions, is when i make her angry and she writes a long email about me being an ass and that i was never there for her and her problems (she came from spain and tries to build a life here, which is hard, and i always tried my best to help her, but as you can guess... . it was never enough no matter what).

Sorry for the bad english, she is spanish, i am swiss... . her english is not very good and i sometimes start to adapt to her and write in what i call "idiot english". I hope it's still clear enough to understand.

Please, hit me with your best shot. Be honest.

I don't want to go back. Nothing will change... .   :'(  

[jibber]

And here is more from before, emails i wrote to her that didn't get a reply.

And you know what is amazing?

I try to say with the picture, to help you understand how you hurt me with your words. I thought maybe if you have a good example like this, because you understand how it hurt when i put a present comes from your heart in the bin.

Yesterday i realize you not just have trouble to understand how your words hurt me, you don't understand it AT ALL.

So i thought maybe with the picture i can explain it to you, because you will understand how it hurt when i put yours in the bin, and then you can understand how your words hurt me, when i tell you they hurt exactly like this.

But look what happens.

I think is a very good example. And i think every person who understands after this explanation, would say "ok, i understand a little now, i didn't know i hurt you like this, sorry!". But you, no!

You turn it around! You say look, you take out all the reason! And then you continue to write all i do wrong (telling me again i am a ___!). You don't see is always your answer to everything? To everything i say? Your answer is tell me all i do wrong!

So if i take out the reason by putting your picture in the bin, do you take out all the reason you have too when you throw my picture in the bin? Do you take out all the reason too when you put our couple and your principito in the bin every time? If you can't think of the answer yourself, it's "YES!".

You see problems of other people when they are poor disabled people in india. But a normal person with a super flat and super car... . No, they don't have problems, they are never hurt from any words, and they can't have a depression and they have energy to take care and be there for other people 24 hours a day because their own life is so so easy.

Do you see how ___ing arrogant you act?

Is really amazing. And it hurts so much.

Let me alone HERname, please let me ALONE!

And sorry, now comes words that hurt again (at least i know it).

This is what my mom try to say when she said you remind her of how rita talk to stephan. Because trust me, i watch how she talk to him for many years... . Like a mother who talks to her kid telling him what to do and telling everything he does wrong.

And this is really sad, but is how you talk to me. So i know why my mom say it, because i agree you talk with me like this. She never had to say it, because i know it myself already before she say it.

You know what is a couple marta? Is two people who have the same rights, two people on the same level. Is not a mother telling her child what to do.

But i know you don't understand you do this. Is why i still love you, because i know if you would understand how bad you treat me, you would not do it.

This is why i keep trying again and again for one year. Because i thought if i am patient enough and love you enough, maybe you will understand someday how bad is the way you talk to me when you keep telling me i am a ___ and all i do wrong.

But i realize more and more and more, for you is normal to talk to people like this, and you will never understand how humiliating it is to sit there and listen to you talk to me like a bad mother to her poor child.

I think is good that now we will never go to the therapy. More and more i think would have been a nightmare.

Goodbye

Do you understand how bad you must treat me, that i prefer to be alone, so alone i wish every day to kill myself?

Do you understand how bad you treat me, that the fear of listening again every week what a ___ i am, like a bad mother telling her child that he is a ___ and should do everything different... . Do you understand how bad you have to treat me, that i prefer to never see you again, even if it kills me every day thinking about you and wanting to kill myself because i lost you again and again?

Do you understand how ___ing scared someone must be, to prefer to be alone and never see the person again they love more than anything?

I know you don't understand it. And is the most sad part of all of this. Hurts like ___ing hell!

Goodbye

You know, i am trying to think of a way how i can explain to you how much it hurts the way you treat me.

I try it with a fantasy story... . You see how desperate i am that you could understand it?

Think you will meet a homeless child on the street crying. You stop and ask the kid: "why are you crying, you don't have a home?". And the kid will say: "i have a home, but the people there treat me so bad i run away."

So you say: "i understand... . Well, would you like a new home? I have a big house and our family can be your family, what do you think?". And the kid will say: "No thank you, but i can't go to a new home, because i can't forget my old one... . I love my family more than anything in the world, the problem is just if i go back, they always treat me bad again, so i stopped going back... . But even if i can't go back anymore and let them treat me bad, i still can't forget them, and i can't stop to love them. I know is hard to understand, but going to a new home, i would feel like cheating to my old family, because i still love them, and they are still my family even if they hurt me. So i prefer to be here on the street without a home. I can't have a new home, and i can't go back to my old one, so i have no other choice than be alone."

You understand the story?

Because this is me. I can't go back to you again, because i know you will never treat me better. But i can't find someone else, because no matter how you treat me, i can never stop to love you.

This is why i give up. Why i don't fight the depression, why i stop going to the psychologue... . Because i know i can't go back to you, but i also know i can't forget you and move on.

Goodbye HERname. I know you will never understand all this... . It hurts so much, but i know it. So for this i try every day to forgive you. It doesn't help with how much it hurts, but i know is not your fault, because you never understand it.

Goodbye... .

I will not answer anymore HERname, i will not write anymore.

I think i explain better than ever before my feelings in this last emails in the last days. But i am tired to talk in a language nobody can understand. I think is what we all want in our life, somebody who understands us.

And if we try again, you know EXACTLY what will happen the next time i am serious or quiet. I think you know it better than me.

I can explain my feelings and how i am a million times. Next time i will be quiet or serious, i will hear the same like always.

So please, let me alone.

I'm tired to say my feelings if you will never understand me.

I will not write anymore. I give up, like i give up myself already.

I hope you will find someone someday who is very easy and not complicated, who is there for you 24/7 and doesn't have feelings himself. I hope you find him someday, the perfect marido.

I wish you all the best.

And to this last one she replied:

You were always my perfect marido

(marido means husband).

To which i replied:

You say i was your perfect marido. But just in the last few days you told me MORE THAN ONE TIME that you think i was never there for you.

After that came what i wrote in post Nr.2... . where she says: "come here".

[jibber]

PS: My brother that i talk about in this emails was in a 10 year marriage with a woman who has a lot of BPD traits. He is the only one in the family who understands me somehow, how difficult it is to let go from a relationship like this.

He tries to pull me out of this depression a little and invited me to go climbing with him and his friends tonight in an indoor climbing park. I hope this will take my mind off of things a little. I'm glad for this because i don't get out anymore besides visiting my parents from time to time and go to work. I was isolated so much in the last year in this relationship i lost pretty much all my friends. And the ones i still have i am scared to call, because i feel like a monster and i'm scared to reach out even if i could really need a good friend right now.

Thanks for reading.   

[trappedinlove]

Jubber, sorry I couldn't read all of it - it's way too long... .

Off the top of my head it seems like you're looping around changing your stbx.

If you don't like the way she behaves you need to make a choice and move on rather trying to convince her to act differently.

She's out of your control and you need to radically accept that and focus on yourself.

You are the only thing you can control eventually.

[jibber]

I know i have to man up and radically go NC and accept it's over. I know i can't change her.

My issue in this is that in the last recycle, everything was ok for two days. We were in my flat and i was cooking in the kitchen, she was sitting on the couch. I took about an hour to cook, with a few words exchanged between kitchen and couch... . all was good, we made jokes, we smiled, i showed her affection and everything.

When i finished to cook and returned to the couch, not 10 seconds after i sat down, she looked at me with those accusing eyes and said with this typical accusing voice: "Why are you not talking?".

I was baffled... .

When i started to explain that everything was fine and i was just concentrating on cooking, she split from white to black again. Started out of the blue to tell me i am not normal, i can never have a couple and i just want sex from her (these things are so hurtful to hear). I was really shocked and baffled again... . i flipped and threw her out of the flat.

I just wanted that she can see what she does. She did it more than 30 times in one year. I just wanted to show her how much she hurts me. I didn't want to contact anymore. But since she came back again like always, i have the urge to explain to her what she does every time.

I said one time, it's like someone keeps telling you 1 + 1 = 3... . you can go crazy trying to explain that it's in fact 1 + 1 = 2.

Everybody who has ever seen her split and how she talks to me in this situation has said to me "please activate your survival instincts and run!".

And then she comes back so nice and loving telling me "please, come here, you know i will always be here and love you!". Like she forgot all the hurtful things she said and that she told me never to contact her again. And in fact she really doesn't experience her words like i do. She either forgets she said it at all, or she says "don't take it so personal, i was just joking, you know how impulsive i am.".

I guess this is the hard part. That i still wish for some validation from her, that i am not crazy and imagine all the awful insults, that she in fact knows how hurtful the things are that she says when devaluating.

I guess what i wish for would be closure. But i only get that i am the problem, she doesn't understand in the slightest what she does.

I know i have to accept it's over, and i really want to.

I am scared to be alone. I have co-dependency issues (major ones), and i am severly depressed.

I'm mainly looking for sharing my inner conflicts... . for support... . anything i can cling on to help me whitstand her never ending coming back to me acting like she never said one bad word.

If you read in her email, she writes "I dont want to hurt you anymore,and if i did it i never did it conscient". The keyword here is "IF i did it", which means it's a possibility, but she thinks she never hurt me... . she still can't aknowledge she ever hurt me, and she said so horrible things weekly, so horrible that my family said to me "please run as fast as you can!". That's where i am stuck mostly, trying not to feel crazy myself.

[trappedinlove]

I know i have to man up and radically go NC and accept it's over. I know i can't change her.

Be kind to yourself, you don't have to be judgemental.

It's about how you take care of yourself and take responsibility for your mental state.

My issue in this is that in the last recycle, everything was ok for two days. We were in my flat and i was cooking in the kitchen, she was sitting on the couch. I took about an hour to cook, with a few words exchanged between kitchen and couch... . all was good, we made jokes, we smiled, i showed her affection and everything.

When i finished to cook and returned to the couch, not 10 seconds after i sat down, she looked at me with those accusing eyes and said with this typical accusing voice: "Why are you not talking?".

I was baffled... .

When i started to explain that everything was fine and i was just concentrating on cooking, she split from white to black again. Started out of the blue to tell me i am not normal, i can never have a couple and i just want sex from her (these things are so hurtful to hear). I was really shocked and baffled again... . i flipped and threw her out of the flat.

Yup, she has a personality disorder and that really really sucks.  It truly hurts.

I just wanted that she can see what she does. She did it more than 30 times in one year. I just wanted to show her how much she hurts me. I didn't want to contact anymore. But since she came back again like always, i have the urge to explain to her what she does every time.

I hear your pain buddy.

I too was craving for validation for my pain and I got in via therapy.

You can certainly get some here on this board but you need to give yourself a break and validate your own pain.

You don't need her validation and you probably won't get it from her.

If you read in her email, she writes "I dont want to hurt you anymore,and if i did it i never did it conscient". The keyword here is "IF i did it", which means it's a possibility, but she thinks she never hurt me... . she still can't aknowledge she ever hurt me

She can't emphasize with your feelings, she has enough issues emphasizing with herself.

She can't make the connection between how she acts and you being hurt.

From her perspective it's your feelings, not hers, and she can't take responsibility for your feelings.

I know this tears you heart apart and it is mind boggling since it's so disturbed but it is what it is.

Be kind with yourself. Let it be and let go.

[jibber]

To add a few examples of her expectations to me and her reasons to tell me i was never there for her and i could never have a couple the way i am... . I know it's too long to read already, but it helps writing this things down... .  

In the beginning she was living with me in my flat. She didn't have a job. I payed the rent, i payed the food, i drove her around... . i bought her german lessons (which she immediately put into the bin when i gave her the confirmation letter from the language school), etc.

She has an education as a nurse, but to get a job here, she needs to speak the language. If she can speak the language, they practically bombard you with job offers in this country, because there is a major shortage in this field. She prefered to put my help into the bin and do it the hard way. She still lives from cleaning flats of other people for less than minimum wage, she still doesn't speak more than a few words german, and blames me 100% for having a hard life and never being there for her. I even got her a job in a restaurant, she refused the offer and continued to blame me that she has to clean appartments.

A really good example is the following:

A really big passion for me since i am little is sports cars. My dad is from the automotive industry and both me and my brother have inherited the passion for motorsport. Since i am 18 i always had some little sports car (afforded myself from saving and hard work). About every 5 years i would sell the old car and replace it with a newer one. This process happend again shortly before we met each other. So i bought the new car, with my own money, while she was not working and not paying for rent or anything. And i still had money to spare to pay her the german lessons, etc... . which she refused. But guess what, she blamed me for buying that car! How could i be so heartless and buy a car for MYSELF?

The day when i went to pick up the car, i asked if she wanted to come. No, of course not, she doesn't enjoy cars, which is fine by me. So we agreed i will go alone, take a friend instead and have a "day off" to enjoy the new car. Normally in this situation i would drive to the end of the world until i can't keep my eyes open anymore, feeling like a little kid again. But since i knew she always feels neglected when i dare to do something for myself, i told her i will be back in a few hours in the evening for dinner and to be with her.

I told her i will be home around 19:00-20:00. I called her at 19:00 to say i just dropped off my friend and i will be home in one hour. When i came home she didn't say a word, silent treatment.

It took one hour of begging to tell me what's wrong, until she burst out in anger telling me: "You said you will be back at 19:00! You don't understand me, and you don't care about me! I can't be in a couple with you like this and i will go back to spain!". Because i dared come home at 20:00 when i told her between 19:00 and 20:00... .  

Fast forward a few weeks, we were taking a weekend trip to the mountains. My parents were in a holiday flat there for a week and offered us to stay there for the weekend.

The 2nd evening we all sat together playing cards, having a good time. All of a sudden my mom asks me "how are you enjoying the new car?"... . and she split from one second to the other so brutally... .

She started telling my mom what an ass her son is! Can you believe it, in front of me and my parents, she starts telling them what a looser of a boyfriend i am. My parents were shocked beyond belief (but kept their cool and acted understanding to her and tried to reason with her in the most loving ways). She told my mom that i should have bought a minivan instead! Because we talked about having a family together someday! Where should we put the kid?

Now, i have a 2nd car with 4 doors completely fine in case there would be kids. Not good enough, it's old, it's dirty. It's not good enough unless it's a new ___ing minivan! So how could i dare buy a sports car from my own money while she was not working and had no money at all herself to bring to the table? How could i?

Then she proceeded to tell me and my parents that my flat was too small for her too (it's a flat built for two people, really all you could ever need, everybody who's ever seen it says how beautiful it is).

Can you imagine, she lived for free with me, we had two cars, i tried to pay her german lessons, i would have gotten her a job which she declined taking... . and she sits there telling my parents how i don't do enough for us, thinking it's completely justified concerns of her.

That's the weekend after which my parents told me: "please run as fast as you can, please!".

And that's what i went through with her every week at least once, followed by her leaving me, and coming back two days later like nothing happend.

Sorry i vent like this... . i just feel i'm going crazy if i can't share it sometimes... . it helps to reflect on it.  :'(

[LettingGo14]

Jibber --

Trappedinlove gave you some great perspective.

I wish I could do something to help you relieve your suffering -- I recognize it, because I shared many aspects of it.  We want to tell our stories, and we want the pain to end.   Unfortunately, in the process, there's a period where our stories become everything, and the pain becomes excruciating.   Why?  Because our minds want to understand and our hearts want to love.

At some point, I had to stop telling myself the story of me and my ex, or at least I had to inject some perspective into it.   I carried this list with me, and wrote about each of the 10 beliefs whenever my brain got frantic:  Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - 10 Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck

I also had to delete photos and e-mails because they haunted me, and kept me stuck.   Only you can decide if no contact for you; however, for reference, it gives many of us space to breathe again.

Another way to take ourselves out of our heads for a bit is to write a gratitude list.   What are 3 things in your life you are grateful for right now?

We're here for you.   Be kind to yourself.

[trappedinlove]

Can you imagine, she lived for free with me, we had two cars, i tried to pay her german lessons, i would have gotten her a job which she declined taking... . and she sits there telling my parents how i don't do enough for us, thinking it's completely justified concerns of her.

Why were you so eager to help her?

Why do you expect her appreciation and depend on it?

Many of us non's here are codependent and feel like the ground is being pulled under us if our help is not reciprocated.

That's certainly something I'm dealing with.  I love to help and be there for people I care about and I'm pretty good at it,

but my self esteem is sometimes too dependent on my help being appreciated and required, otherwise I feel worthless.

Part of the process I'm going through is giving myself unconditional love for what I am and recognize my own value without depending on anything external to validate my value.

Sorry i vent like this... . i just feel i'm going crazy if i can't share it sometimes... . it helps to reflect on it.  :'(

Awesome.  You've found a great place to get support.

Just slow down... . You might be going too fast... .

[jibber]

Why were you so eager to help her?

Why do you expect her appreciation and depend on it?

Many of us non's here are codependent and feel like the ground is being pulled under us if our help is not reciprocated.

That's certainly something I'm dealing with.  I love to help and be there for people I care about and I'm pretty good at it,

but my self esteem is sometimes too dependent on my help being appreciated and required, otherwise I feel worthless.

Part of the process I'm going through is giving myself unconditional love for what I am and recognize my own value without depending on anything external to validate my value.

That hits home so much... .

I feel such a strong urge to defend myself when she says the opposite of what i did. I went out of my way to help her, every day. I take way too much pride in this, and this pride is hurt to the core when she says i never was there for her.

[jibber]

Jibber --

Trappedinlove gave you some great perspective.

I wish I could do something to help you relieve your suffering -- I recognize it, because I shared many aspects of it.  We want to tell our stories, and we want the pain to end.   Unfortunately, in the process, there's a period where our stories become everything, and the pain becomes excruciating.   Why?  Because our minds want to understand and our hearts want to love.

At some point, I had to stop telling myself the story of me and my ex, or at least I had to inject some perspective into it.   I carried this list with me, and wrote about each of the 10 beliefs whenever my brain got frantic:  Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - 10 Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck

I also had to delete photos and e-mails because they haunted me, and kept me stuck.   Only you can decide if no contact for you; however, for reference, it gives many of us space to breathe again.

Another way to take ourselves out of our heads for a bit is to write a gratitude list.   What are 3 things in your life you are grateful for right now?

We're here for you.   Be kind to yourself.

Thanks to you as well LettingGo, i appreciate the replies very much.

I can also relate to this very much. It's natural that we want to understand what happend, and i am very much like this, i'm a natural truth-seeker and an analyzing person.

I can also agree very much on the "space to breathe". I don't look at photos anymore, i put everything she ever gave me out of my sight, i deleted emails, threw away letters, i have her blocked on my phone and whatsapp... .

Everytime she lets me alone, the longer the timeframe, the better i feel (not good, but i can cope, compared to feeling totally lost, out of control and ruminating). As soon as i start to feel better she contacts again, it's like she can sense it... .

The only way of her to contact me is by email. I contemplated deleting the email address, but it's the email that is linked to my music producing and everything related to it since the past ten years. It's kind of important to me to keep it.

I have a filter that puts her mails in the trashbin automatically, but i still can't resist the urge to look there and read them when she contacts... . and honestly, secretly i am wishing for contact (yeah, abandonment issues myself here)... .

The gratitude list is a great idea. I will try to do this every day, already have three good answers for today, thank you!   

[LettingGo14]

Everytime she lets me alone, the longer the timeframe, the better i feel (not good, but i can cope, compared to feeling totally lost, out of control and ruminating). As soon as i start to feel better she contacts again, it's like she can sense it... .

The only way of her to contact me is by email. I contemplated deleting the email address, but it's the email that is linked to my music producing and everything related to it since the past ten years. It's kind of important to me to keep it.

I have a filter that puts her mails in the trashbin automatically, but i still can't resist the urge to look there and read them when she contacts... . and honestly, secretly i am wishing for contact (yeah, abandonment issues myself here)... .

I understand this.  I was abandoned, and I wanted contact, even though I blocked and filtered everything as well.   A couple thoughts:

1. This is a process, not a switch.  We are re-training our brains to increase our abilities to deal with the losses of our relationships.

2. It's helpful to have a plan for what you will or won't do if contact is made.  That is, what are your boundaries, and how do you keep yourself safe?

3. It's also helpful to have a plan for what you will do if you feel tempted to break NC.   (Note:  My plan is to come here and read other people's stories... . )

Detachment leads to freedom ----->

[jibber]

I understand this.  I was abandoned, and I wanted contact, even though I blocked and filtered everything as well.   A couple thoughts:

1. This is a process, not a switch.  We are re-training our brains to increase our abilities to deal with the losses of our relationships.

2. It's helpful to have a plan for what you will or won't do if contact is made.  That is, what are your boundaries, and how do you keep yourself safe?

3. It's also helpful to have a plan for what you will do if you feel tempted to break NC.   (Note:  My plan is to come here and read other people's stories... . )

Detachment leads to freedom ----->

1. I can imagine this, yes. I'm sure we would all prefer the switch... .    

2. This is where i REALLY struggle! I feel so guilty to not respond when she writes!

I can manage to not open the door (she comes to my door sometimes!  :'( ), but i stepping over my own boundaries when she writes. I swear to myself every time, that this time i will just delete it and not reply, but i fail every time... . and then she pulls me in again... . AHHRGHH!

3. This is have in check. I have to fight with myself a lot, since i wish so often i could contact her. But i simply don't allow myself to do it. So far i was strong enough for this one.

[Subotai]

Hi, I just wanted to chime in here because I had a hell of a morning with similar issues. I am NC day 5 today. She was just served the divorce petition last night which I filed the day before.

This morning I woke up again with panic attacks and then had a crying fit. I went online to see how to reverse a divorce petition.

Heck I am not joking she is texting me more anger as I type this ... . ignoring, shaking now ... . back to this post ... .

I said one time, it's like someone keeps telling you 1 + 1 = 3... . you can go crazy trying to explain that it's in fact 1 + 1 = 2.

Everybody who has ever seen her split and how she talks to me in this situation has said to me "please activate your survival instincts and run!".

And then she comes back so nice and loving telling me "please, come here, you know i will always be here and love you!". Like she forgot all the hurtful things she said and that she told me never to contact her again. And in fact she really doesn't experience her words like i do. She either forgets she said it at all, or she says "don't take it so personal, i was just joking, you know how impulsive i am.".

This happened so many times to me I can't even count. "Just joking" or "It's just how I feel" are the standard explanations for trying to defuse the intense accusations.

Why do we go back? This quote from LettingGo14 is so perfect:

Because our minds want to understand and our hearts want to love.

It's exactly what made me come back again and again in the past. I am determined to break the cycle for good. I love her like mad, always will. But I will no longer abandon myself so as to accept a lose-lose situation.

I also had to delete photos and e-mails because they haunted me, and kept me stuck.

This is what I plan on doing this weekend in a grandiose, ritualistic fashion. Every photo, card, item, trinket, little cutsy note will be discarded in my Memory Sweep.

I am asking the Gods to grant me the strength to stay NC and I wish the same for you!

[jibber]

Thanks Subotai,

It's amazing how the experiences we make in this relationship are often so similar accross the board. It's at least a little bit of validation for how we feel.

I have since i last posted here exchanged a few more emails with her, tried to get a few more answers, but like i read in an article on this site yesterday... . you can't win a fight in a situation like this. If the other party is loosing, you're loosin too. It's a lose-lose situation.

In this last emails, like in all the conversations i had with her before, be it face to face or text, she will never aknowledge she did anything wrong in the slightest. The times when she does answer a little bit to the questions asked, it's so clear she has no understanding she ever could have hurt my feelings too... . and she contradicts herself so much... .

The biggest complaint she always had was about not helping her. She made sure to tell me especially now in the end, that the people who love her are helping her, but i never did. However, when asked why she never took my offer to use my cars to get around (i offered to go to work with the bus, seriously... . what's wrong with me? pffff... . ), why she never let me pay her the language school... . her answe was she never wanted to take profit. On the other hand, she happily takes a car from a friend, 3'000 francs from a guy she barely knew (who she used as a friend but he just wanted to get in her pants), a bycicle from another new found friend (i offered her a bycicle once too, didn't want it)... .

I confronted her on this, why it's ok to let everybody help her and have no second thoughts about it, but from me she wouldn't accept it, and then always complain about how hard she has it. This triggered her... . and she went from "i will always be here for you", to "never contact me again! i'm tired of you!".

So yesterday i did what i tried to avoid until now: I deleted my email address! No more temptation! It's all linked to my music, and i lost that part with the email (youtube account with around 140 videos and close to 1'000 subscribers), but damn it feels good to know she has no more way to write me now, and i am not tempted to look if she did! Uffffff!

I also bought the book "mood therapy" from dr. burns that i found on this site, to combat the depression.

Here's to a new chapter of ME and caring for myself and working on my own shortcommings and issues. Feels not too bad to be honest.

PS: Went climbing with my brother on wednesday, which has helped me feel better too,  was really good! I will do that every wednesday now... .