he's coming back?

[gypsy rose]

   so, divorce was final in February.  WE have not lived together for 16 months.  We worked at the same place in April, for three weeks, and he was civil, but no intimate contact.  he has not dated anyone, afik.

I was devastated that he left, I asked him if he wanted to get back together, no.  I finally was getting on with my life.

Then i get a text that he has quit his job, is broke, and is on his way to my home, and will need to be picked up at the bus stop tomorrow.  I heard from friends at work that he has been 'off' all seaon, breaking down crying, not coping.

I'm flummoxed.  I'm not the type to let him be homeless... . but what the heck? Is it possible to help him in any constructive way?  I found this board after we divorced, and it seemed to explain so much about him.  He has brain damage from injuries, and i really do feel for the guy.  But I'm also broke and worried about having to provide for one more mouth.  Any guidelines about setting boundaries? or?

[Ihope2]

He is just contacting you because he is down and out.  And it is rather a cheek of him to announce that he needs to be picked up at the bus stop! So, you are to be a hotel and provide a chauffeur service for him?

You are not responsible for him quitting his job and being broke.  You are not his halfway house or mealticket.

Do you have shelters for the homeless in your town?  Direct him to one of those.

It is difficult to turn one's back on someone in need, especially if you once had feelings for that person.  But, if you let him in, you will battle to get him to move on again.  He clearly envisages being able to park himself off at your place for an indefinite period, and rely on your generosity and hospitality to provide meals and financial assistance.  He did not think to check in with you before making it a fait accompli.  You do not need to have your hand forced like this.

I am writing all of this, as I also ponder on what I would do if my ex BPDh would suddenly reappear on my doorstep expecting to be let in to my home again... .

[Trent]

You are not responsible for him quitting his job and being broke.  You are not his halfway house or mealticket.

Do you have shelters for the homeless in your town?  Direct him to one of those.

This.  Except, if it were me, I wouldn't even direct my ex anywhere, because that would mean I would have to interact with her.  She's an adult and she will have to figure it out for herself.  When we were together, I carried her burdens with her for much longer than I should have, and you can probably guess how that turned out, and how grateful she was for my support  

I know this is a difficult situation, and how emotionally taxing it must be.  But I implore you to think of yourself and your healing as the top priority.  Remember that your ex didn't want to get back with you when he wasn't in need.  I know it feels nice to be needed sometimes, but it sounds like you'll possibly break yourself (financially and emotionally) in an effort to save someone who is irresponsible, probably abusive, and will never change.  I get that he has a brain injury, but that doesn't mean you are obligated to tolerate his abusive behavior forever.

There is a time and a place for compassion, and there is a time and a place to step back and let others carry their own burdens for a while.  It sounds like it might be more productive if you were focus on you right now, and let him deal with his own situation in his own way.  In fact, if you're concerned that he'd guilt you into rescuing him, block all forms of communication from him and call the police if he shows up at your door.  These people tend to be master manipulators and have no qualms about using others to get what they want.  You deserve someone who can reciprocate your love and affection, and the more time you spend dealing with your ex only delays your healing and ability to attract new men into your life when the time is right.

If there was ever a time to cut the cord, it's now.  Please protect yourself, your sanity, your future.  Good luck

[Panda39]

My SO's uBPDex is currently living in a hotel after being kicked out of her friend's house... . after living there 6 months.  In the almost 4 years I've been with my SO she has been evicted from 3 rentals and kicked out of her sister's house after 6 months and now this. 

She creates these situations for herself and does nothing to help herself.  Instead of living within her means she rents townhouses for over the total amount she receives in alimony per month.  She lies about working, creates fictitious stories about being a single mom with full custody, and ex husband that's abusive etc... . She doesn't take advantage of friends and family taking her in, to get therapy, or to look for a job, she just seems to sponge off of people as long as she can and then is asked to leave.  Her children are embarrassed and try to hide her situation from their friends.

I really feel that well meaning friends are enabling her.  She will never attempt to get her life in order if everyone continues to bail her out.  Her alimony is for a finite period of time and if she doesn't get a job while she has the support to do so, things will get even worse for her.

I know you care about your ex and this my sound harsh... . but he is not your problem any longer.  Do not take him in. He needs to sink or swim and you need to take care of yourself.  If you don't and you take him in, it sounds like he could take you down with him financially. 

He is an adult he can make other arrangements that don't include you.  My SO's ex is like a cat she always lands on her feet even if it is only for 6 months at a time.