up and down feelings

[corraline]

Things have been slowly getting better.  Not posting much these days.  I had days where I felt soo much better.  Then I got a whole bunch of hate email and crazy email and then nothing and now struggling with the nothing for two weeks since then.  I know its a good thing but still hurts cause ya know that you have this strange little fantasy operating that they might be missing you thats why they are sending you a whole lot of crap.  Ugh... . and i have the nerve to call his thinking distorted !  Yup... . i guess for me its going to have to be blocking emails fully or shutting down email  completely.  Ugh... . i thought i was able to handle it .  Nope, its like i got another hit of drugs and even though they weren't good for me and i was detached enuff not to get too messed up in their hurtful nastiness, i still think the addiction stuff is way too raw for me.  Living and learning I suppose.

I never thought i would feel this much better to be honest. I have worked my butt off on my self healing process.   Even though i am a few steps back this week its nothing like it was when i was first out.  I have tools now and have some detachment under my belt.  I am also getting a life too. 

This community has helped me immensely.

Just this moment i am a little angry and sad that I can't connect with one of his daughters.  I cared for her very much.   I hope she understands.  She was very busy with school and work and didn't live near my ex and didn't see him much so we were still developing our relationship.  I felt a connection with her and I am sad that it has come to an abrupt end and no closure. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Yep, detaching from the relationship was just like breaking an addiction for me too.  Pining for what I wanted and couldn't get from her, not realizing at the time that she couldn't give it, wasn't capable, thinking if I could just be better, do something differently, do everything differently, be someone I'm not, whatever.  Fertile field for growth that: the confusing longing for love and trying to get it with real love.  Where did that come from?  Oh, probably just some residual bullsht from my youth, screw it, with the right person those things won't matter.

I miss her son too.  We bonded well, we were buds, and of course he needs to side with his momma, good kid with a big heart, but sad nonetheless.  Collateral damage.  But we had it good and he knows it, although I'm worried about him a little; he took the caretaker role with momma when the wheels fell off her life, and that's going to take some untangling as he matures.  He's a good soul and he loves his momma, I'm optimistic, who knows... .

[corraline]

Yah, I have decided to treat it like an addiction for the moment.  My withdrawals from him have been excruciating at times.

Did you do anything in particular to treat it as such ?

I've got a plethora of little tricks under my belt... . Bad thing tho at times is when i start to feel better I slow down on the self care thing and start going down again... . I think thats got a label too...

I guess we have to trust that their children have a place in their heart that knows we cared about them and we didn't abandon them.

My ex husband  (not BPD ex )has a brother that contacted me when we broke up and told me he was on my side and was angry at his brother.  I told him that i felt my ex needed his family and to be there for my ex  not me, altho i did express my appreciation for his support.  His wife was leaving their relationship at the same time so he resonated with my situation .

I think our ideas of love come from many different things.  When i listen to the lyrics of the songs that my teenage daughter listens to, its frightening.

[corraline]

If I am understanding Trauma Abstinence then this is what I may be doing just when I start to feel better.  Part of Patrick Carnes book Betrayal Bonds.

[fromheeltoheal]

Did you do anything in particular to treat it as such?

Full disclosure: I've quit a few substances in my day, and there are really two choices.  You white-knuckle it and muster all the willpower you can and it gets better with time, or you create something new.  It's harder to quit doing something when you're focusing on not doing it, fighting it, better to create something new, like a healthy life, whatever that looks like, and take steps in that direction.  It starts with a focus shift and a vision, then steps, then notice what you're getting, notice progress, watch the vision become real, take more steps; as momentum grows it becomes self perpetuating.  And if you slip, get back on the horse immediately, two steps forward and one back is still forward.

[corraline]

Hey thanks H.

I'm going to write that one down and put it up on my bedroom wall next to "i am committed to reality at all costs" and "home, home at last"

I'm lifting weights at a serious gym complete with big guys with  tats and roids (yikes)... . Not my scene really but its an interesting distraction.  I'm focusing on getting back into shape.  I used to be a serious mountain biker and would like to put that on my list soon.  I'm committed to doing archery with a friend too. Committed to creating a new life really.  Its kinda fun actually.

[Narellan]

Corraline I think you are awesome. Your posts really have inspired me to follow your lead. Everything I've learned on here has been life changing for me, and in in such a much better place since finding your support. I've changed my whole focus too. I've tried teen gagging more with my teenage sons( much to their annoyance) but we are spending much more quality time together now. And I've changed. I'm no longer interested in socialising or clubbing, but prefer instead pjs and a movie. And I'm working lots more which I love, and walking most days just for pleasure. Ill eventually get to the gym, but as I am still finding difficulty eating(stress related) I am carefully planning when to do that. U can't lose any more weight. Self care and forcing myself to take care of me is my number one priority ATM . As I recover more I want to try a few new things.

You go girl and keep posting when u can. I love seeing progress and success stories

[Loveofhislife]

Good evening, I'm a "newbie" and a tired one at that.  But so thankful to read others describing this sensation I am experiencing as "addiction like".  Honestly, I don't know what I'm addicted to.  My first therapist (who I only saw once) labeled me as an "excitement addict."  And as I wrote in my introduction, these BPD's are ANYTHING but boring.  But the pain is not worth the "high"--like, I suppose many drugs turn out to be.  My current therapist believes that it has to do with my not having a close relationship with my inner child--partially, because I had a narcisstic father.  So, I tend to think, I keep gravitating to the familiar, until it bites me in the ___ AGAIN!  There are times during the day (have been getting the silent treatment) when I almost have the shakes after not hearing from him when he has been "omni-present" for the past 10 months.  Any and all suggestions are greatly appreciated and very much needed.

[corraline]

Narellan

So great to hear you are doing better.  I find if i do things in small doses and not go overboard.  Trust myself there... . I do much better.  I don't spend alot of time at my workout and Im not going to make a big fuss about it.  Just getting there instead of driving past it on my way home from work is a huge accomplishment for me right now.  Just treating ourselves well and honouring where we are at even if we are not even sure where the hell that is at any moment has gotta be better than where we were just not so long ago.

I think i am enjoying my teenagers more these days. Spending more time connecting with them and annoying them too.  ( i think they like it tho really  ) At least i don't feel so guilty not being emotionally present for them the last three years.  That was not good.  :'(

[corraline]

loveofhislife

i found betrayal bonds by patrick carnes a really good eye opener about why these bonds are so loaded.

lots of great info here too. i think the push / pull of this kind of relationship has an addictive quality to it.

[Loveofhislife]

Thank you Corraline, I feel better already.  Writing and knowing I'm not alone now has, at least, made me feel as if I can get to sleep.  I will definitely check the book out.  Good night.

[Narellan]

Welcome "love of his life". Think we all could have picked your user name or in my case " waited for me his whole life" it really is like an addiction and sucks you dry trying to move on from these relationships. Lots on here comment about it being the most dramatic time of their life. It's been such an eye opening experience for me personally to have learned about this sad disorder. Reading through everyone's posts and the lessons have given me so much insight and understanding. And once you begin to understand, comes a sense of peace. I know I gave this relationship my best shot, and I was so shattered that wasn't enough, but I'm ok with it now. I've accepted the loss, suffered through the grief and and now in the detachment stage. But even though I'm progressing, some days are still so difficult.  This site has been my lifeline. I hope you continue to come here to vent and seek support from all of us going/ getting through it. Peace .