Have I chosen the wrong kind of solicitor? Advice please

[toomanytears]

My solicitor is not adverserial and clearly is uncomfortable upping the ante if it's not necessary. is it time to change tactics - or even solicitors?

Here's the background:

My ud-BPDh left the family home last August. I asked him to leave after he said he didn't love me anymore and wanted to separate. Once out of the house he started to protest that I'd thrown him out. I then asked him back and he refused saying he never wanted to be put in this dreadful position again and wanted a divorce.

We both went to see solicitors and I hoped to be able to solve things amicably using collaborative law.  . My sol is trained in mediation and collaborative law but his is not and it soon became apparent that he was not inerested in this approach. His main interest was to get me to sell the house.

Once he found out that he could only do this by divorcing me, he collected our marriage certificate from the house to begin divorce proceedings. Christmas and New Year came and went. (He was very angry that I didn't invite him to spend Christmas with me and the children - they asked for us to go to friends).

Meantime, I've been going to therapy which has been hugely beneficial in helping to straighten out my mind (originally on my BPDh's insistence because I was mentally derranged). By February, with the help of the therapist, the fog was beginning to lift and I realised that he was having an affair - he might have been having several affairs over the years. Two days later, a friend reported seeing him with another woman (and a child) at a Christmas panto in our home town. I then received a few of his bank statements via my solicitor which showed clearly that he'd been staying in expensive hotels in the months leading up to our split. I emailed to ask him if he had indeed been having an affair. No reply and two days later he filed for divorce for my unreasonable behaviour. I asked my solicitor if we should counter petition for adultery, but on his advice I agreed to accept the divorce (though not the grounds) and signed the papers. We are still waiting for my bph's sol to submit the papers for the decree nisi.

Until now, I've kept things fairly low key with my sol and havn't mentioned the words BPD. I've just told him that my BPDh is a very difficult person. And his behaviour is proving that to be the case. But now I think it's time to get tough. Things have been dragging on too long (because of my BPDh's lack of ability to get on with things), and I just want out. How do I persuade my solicitor to 'up the ante' without seeming like the mad woman who wants a high conflict divorce? Do I show him, Splitting by Bill Eddy (excellent book) which advocates a very assertive approach? I live in the UK so his work is not widely known but at the same time I don't want to 'teach my grandmother to suck eggs'. Advice please!

[Aussie0zborn]

Is he trying to get you through this without the high conflict that results in huge legal bills?

High conflict / highly adversarial solicitors usually rack up a huge bill for you. My stbx uBPDw has now got one of those and I would hate to see his bill. She has just filed a statement with over 100 pages of attachments, most of which are irrelevant. One of these attachments is my client list which includes the Department of Defence, Department of Health and other federal, state and local government agencies. She attached this list because she claims I make $250,000 a year in cash from my clients which I do not disclose to the tax man. As if the Department of Defence would pay me in cash. She has also attached my quotations, invoices and other business documents which don't prove this claim.

The point here is that her solicitor charged her to read all the irrelevant nonsense which will be struck out and dismissed for being irrelevant. She likes the conflict and he is giving it to her - and charging her handsomely.

If you're not happy with your solicitor, don't feel duty bound to keep him.  Find one that you are comfortable with but think about the level of adversary you really need. Good luck.

[Aussie0zborn]

After my observation in court today, I have a different view to the one I expressed above. Get yourself a highly adversarial lawyer that will wear them down. Good luck.

[ForeverDad]

I believe Bill Eddy in SPLITTING wrote that the key is not to have an aggressive, adversarial lawyer but an assertive and problem-solving one.  If you have a paper shuffler and filer and weak on strategy, then you have the wrong one.  Your lawyer should have a goal and flexible strategy to get you though the divorce with the least delay possible and with the reasonably best possible outcome.

[toomanytears]

I believe Bill Eddy in SPLITTING wrote that the key is not to have an aggressive, adversarial lawyer but an assertive and problem-solving one.  If you have a paper shuffler and filer and weak on strategy, then you have the wrong one.  Your lawyer should have a goal and flexible strategy to get you though the divorce with the least delay possible and with the reasonably best possible outcome.

Thanks both.  I find it so hard to be critical  because I do like and respect my sol very much; but really, nothing he's suggested has worked so far... . I guess I've been concerned all along about coming across as the vengeful wife, so I've held back from doing a complete character assasination hoping that my BPDh's actions will speak for themselves. After weeks of inactivity I've now tried to explain to my sol that I think my BPDh has a personality disorder. My sol is fairly inscrutable and it's hard to know what he's thinking... . Will he see me as the weird one in all of this? I just want to cut to the chase and move things forward fast. Let's see what happens next... .

[toomanytears]

After my observation in court today, I have a different view to the one I expressed above. Get yourself a highly adversarial lawyer that will wear them down. Good luck.

Hi Aussie0zborn

Would you mind telling us about your day in court? What happened there to make you change your advice to me?

Thanks for your insights! TMT

[ForeverDad]

I'm guessing polite Aussie had a rough day in court and decided no more Mr Nice Guy and let the gloves come off?  I recall reading this in the introduction to Divorce Poison regarding parental obstructions, the gist may apply here - that taking the Silent Noble Path is not the best path.  You can replace 'children' here with court, professionals, or some other group if it is a better fit.

An excellent book you should get is Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak.  On the very first page, in his introduction, he explains that "taking the high road" is ineffective, counterproductive and enables the misbehaving parent.

Divorce Poison,  starting with page 1, paragraph 1... .   (emphasis added)

Your ex-spouse is bad-mouthing you to the children, often or constantly portraying you in a negative light, perhaps even trying to turn the children against you.  What should you do? ... .

The conventional advice is to do nothing.  Psychologists caution parents to avoid criticizing the other parent in front of the children... .   After years of consulting on cases where parents had heeded advice to be passive and had no success, I am convinced that the standard approach is wrong.  It does not work.  Often it makes things worse.  As relationships with their children progressively deteriorate, parents usually try desperately to reason with them.  Such efforts inevitably meet with failure and leave parents feeling helpless and hopeless.

This book explains why the common approaches are impotent, why doing nothing will accomplish nothing, and why relying primarily on reasoning is an unreasonable approach to the problem.  It offers a blueprint for an effective response grounded in a solid understanding of the techniques and dynamics of parents who poison their children's relationships with loved ones.

After reading this book you will be able to distinguish different types of criticism, ranging from occasional mild bad-mouthing to severe and systematic brainwashing.  You will know why and how parents manipulate their children.  You will know how to detect subtle psychological maneuvers in various guises.  You will learn how these practices - even those that seem innocuous - damage children.  And you will discover powerful strategies to preserve or rebuild loving relationships with your children... .

Divorce Poison was written primarily on behalf of children... .   The failure of their parents' marriage is a chilling lesson that we cannot always count on love.  At such a vulnerable time in their lives, children especially need and deserve as much love as they can get.  Those who close off avenues of love and support detour children from their pursuit of emotional security.  And when they manipulate children into erecting the barriers themselves, when they enlist them as agents in their own deprivation, they violate their children's trust in a most cruel manner.  It is a form of kidnapping; stealing the soul.

I wrote this book to help lost souls find their way back to the hearts that await them.  I wish them a successful journey.