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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: How do I deal with this?  (Read 810 times)
Littleleft
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« on: May 06, 2014, 08:31:51 AM »

Things have been so difficult to deal with at home for a long time now that a few weeks ago I got to the stage where I told my SO that I couldn't cope with things as they are anymore in our relationship and he realised I am almost at the point of ending our relationship.  This was before our recent trip to see one of his psyches where he said my SO was 'emotionally unstable by personality' which I'm pretty sure means BPD.

I wish I'd known this before I told my SO about how difficult I'm finding our situation as I now realise this has made things even worse due to his fear of being abandoned.

He's now asking me almost daily if I'm intending to leave him and I don't know how to deal with it .  He is having a lot of angry outbursts and I am trying to use some of the tools I'm learning on here and I think I'm managing a bit of validation which is helping sometimes in shortening the length of the outbursts but when it comes to being repeatedly asked if I'm going to leave I don't know what to do about it.

I am feeling like it's probably all too late for us now, I've been so hurt by the repeated verbal and emotional abuse that I think I've shut down the feelings I once had for him and can't get past it now.  But I'm still trying to work it out in my head, whether that's definitely the case and if so what I'm going to do about it.

If I was dealing with a non, I'd try to be honest and say I'm not sure what I'm feeling at the moment and need some space to work it out, but I know he can't deal with things like a non would.  I've tried to say that the fact I can't cope is not his fault, it's MY ability to cope with OUR situation, not that it's his fault I feel this way, I know that's not fair and accurate.

So what can I say when he asks me if I'm going to leave him when I'm not sure? He already knows I'm questioning it myself as I kind of made the mistake of being honest about that a few weeks ago, so where do i go from here?  I want to make him feel better but don't want to be dishonest.

I'm grateful for any suggestions.
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maxsterling
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« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2014, 11:50:42 AM »

I'm sorry you are dealing with this   I am in the same thought pattern, and have been for quite some time, and know how difficult it is.  On one hand, I love her and care about her and think this could work.  But if I reveal to her that I am undecided, her reaction will be so negative as to doom any chance for the r/s.  With her, she will talk about marriage, ask if I still want to get married, and have a kid.  Honestly?  Unless she makes progress on herself, I can't see that happening.  And I think she knows that.  She either wants me to tell her "no" so that she has a reason to be upset with me, or tell her what she has to do.  It's a trap question.  But I also am not in a place yet in my mind to say that it will never happen.  So, I answer as honestly as I can while preserving some stability - "I hope so someday, that's still my goal."  That is honest, but leaves out the details.   What I am really saying is, "I hope you can someday manage to control your negative emotions enough to where this relationship feels stable again and marriage feels right."  But if I told her that, she would be upset that I was blaming her, or would "fake it" for long enough for things to feel stable.

She goes on the same thought patterns in couples T, where she says her happiness is dependent on the future of this r/s and can't figure out why we aren't married yet.  I pay attention to how the T responds to her - T usually brings it back to her - points out that she is with me now, and asks if she is happy with that.  I try that, too, remind her that to think about the future requires us to be happy with today. 

It's a tough situation.
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Littleleft
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« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2014, 12:05:54 PM »

Thanks maxsterling, I'm sorry to hear your having such a difficult time too.

I like how you've been dealing with the question of marriage and kids, saying 'I hope so, that's my goal'.  I think I need to think of some sentences like that to prepare myself for the next time(s) the question is asked - something that won't make him feel bad, but isn't dishonest either.

Have you been the your r/s long?

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KBNML

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« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2014, 12:42:16 PM »

I Know How both of you are feeling! I was there a few years ago. I had a ring in my pocket for two years. Ride the roller to the top as she was working on her self. then She would get scared and down we wnet. As I was planning to ask again. Back to the pocket it went. I finely made the timing right and got it done. But I was with you as she wanted kids and I half to from before. She needed to work on the connections with the kids I was and Im scared she will push them out. She is makeing good progress with my boys 13, 11 there seems to be no bonding trouble with are girls yet 3,1.5. She has been holding her ground But I have slow be wearing out. and it is getting bad. It feels like we have switched rolls almost.

I'm now aware of it and getting help and read here has help more than anything.

They are hard choices but I have two amazing D out of it and would most likely make the same choice again.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Hang in there and try to look at all the options.

good luck
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maxsterling
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« Reply #4 on: May 06, 2014, 12:49:26 PM »

littleleft - I've been with her for just over a year.  I've survived a period of weekly intense and sometimes violent rages, her being hospitalized for suicide thoughts, and her deep depression for the past few months.  I feel like if those issues were to ease, I would feel stable and want to move forward.  But I don't know if things can change on her end, yet I don't want to give up the remainder of my hope, because much of my time with her now is quite enjoyable.

But the truth is, I don't feel comfortable sidestepping the marriage questions.  I wish I could be honest and say "I really don't know anymore, there are some issues with our relationship that I know I could not live with long-term.  I either need to learn to detach from those issues, or you need to be more stable, or both, but for the time being I want to enjoy today and work on myself so that we can hopefully move towards marriage."  Of course as you know, anything except 100% hopeful is 100% negative to a person with BPD.  I probably need to poop or get off the pot pretty soon, and take control of my own destiny here. 
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Littleleft
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« Reply #5 on: May 07, 2014, 03:49:21 AM »

Thanks KBNML. I'm going to visit my family for a while next week so it will give me some much needed space to look at all the options as you've suggested.  I hope things get better for you too.

maxsterling - you've really had a lot of difficult times crammed into that year haven't you? I've been with my SO 12 years, probably the first five only had smaller signs here and there of what was to come, but then we had quite a few stressful things happen one year (we were burgled, then burgled again and caught the kid in the act, then he was beaten up really badly by four guys to the point that I was scared for his life, then we were involved in a nasty road rage where some idiot purposefully rammed his car into the side of ours on the motorway sending us spinning and each case was handled really poorly by the police including lost DNA evidence... . It goes on!) and things have never been the same since, they've just become steadily worse with the last few years being very difficult.  There have been other stressors since too so I can see how he's finding life difficult to cope with.

It's encouraging to hear that there are some positives for you in that you still have a lot of enjoyable time together. Has she been diagnosed and is she receiving treatment?

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an0ught
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« Reply #6 on: May 08, 2014, 04:59:37 PM »

Things have been so difficult to deal with at home for a long time now that a few weeks ago I got to the stage where I told my SO that I couldn't cope with things as they are anymore in our relationship and he realised I am almost at the point of ending our relationship.  This was before our recent trip to see one of his psyches where he said my SO was 'emotionally unstable by personality' which I'm pretty sure means BPD.

There may be other reasons but it does not really matter the tools - validation and boundaries will help a lot to stabilize the situation.

I wish I'd known this before I told my SO about how difficult I'm finding our situation as I now realise this has made things even worse due to his fear of being abandoned.

He's now asking me almost daily if I'm intending to leave him and I don't know how to deal with it .  He is having a lot of angry outbursts and I am trying to use some of the tools I'm learning on here and I think I'm managing a bit of validation which is helping sometimes in shortening the length of the outbursts but when it comes to being repeatedly asked if I'm going to leave I don't know what to do about it.

So what can I say when he asks me if I'm going to leave him when I'm not sure? He already knows I'm questioning it myself as I kind of made the mistake of being honest about that a few weeks ago, so where do i go from here?  I want to make him feel better but don't want to be dishonest.

It may be a good idea to read my primer on validation here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=221022.0 . Considering the distressed state of your relationship denying that there are real problems would be invalidating. It may be also important to openly acknowledge that you are yourself confused and need space to straighten our your thinking so you are less focusing on others and more on yourself. On some level this is all known but without making it clear it will be open to interpretation and that can go to extremes.
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  Writing is self validation. Writing on bpdfamily is self validation squared!
Littleleft
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« Reply #7 on: May 09, 2014, 10:03:11 AM »

Thanks an0ught, I'll have a read of the link you've posted.

I've tried to explain to him that I am confused and need some space to think but it just seems to be adding fuel to the fire.  He's saying that I should be able to put up with whatever's going on because it's an illness that's causing it and he's put up with me being ill in the past which was stressful for him.  (Any time I've been Ill has certainly not resulted in repeated verbal and emotional abuse that's for sure, but he doesn't see it like that!)

I made sure I acknowledged and validated what he was saying - it's early days for me with that but I'm giving it a go! He doesn't seem to really hear anything I say once he gets going  but I'll keep trying.

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Littleleft
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« Reply #8 on: May 12, 2014, 11:38:08 AM »

Aaarrrgghh! He still keeps asking and I don't feel like I've dealt with it well, but then I don't suppose it's going to feel great when I can't tell him genuinely not to worry at all and that I'm not going anywhere, is it?

I've said I do love him (as that's true) and that I'm just confused with everything that's been happening, that I'm not sure I can cope with our situation and I've made a point of not saying it's his fault because of his behaviour, but said its because of OUR situation.  I've said I would like things to work out (as in an ideal world I would). I'm trying to acknowledge how things really are so as to not be invalidating, to be honest but not to make him worry too much (but him worrying I suppose is only normal in our situation, I'm worrying too).

I had hoped to be able to say something that would stop him asking so often, but maybe that's just not going to happen.
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InSearchofMe
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« Reply #9 on: May 12, 2014, 12:33:41 PM »

This question (when asked constantly like this) is very irritating to me as well.  I often see this question increase in frequency before I have to travel and be away form him.  Accepting that this question is going to come up A LOT prior to my travels helps me to be less frustrated by the frequency.  I still maintain boundaries (not accepting his rages, removing myself from dysregulated conversations etc).

If your pwBPD is like mine, there is not a lot you can do to lessen the frequency of this question with your trip coming up.  It seems to be the only way they can express their anxiety about our upcoming absence.  Try to focus on what you need to be less stressed by this constant question.
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Littleleft
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« Reply #10 on: May 12, 2014, 01:07:33 PM »

What really bothers me about him asking the question all the time is that it then opens everything up again and upsets him (and sometimes me, though I try really hard not to get upset in front of him).  He starts asking very difficult questions that I don't feel I can answered honestly because I don't know at the moment.  If I just keep repeatedly the same things about caring and wanting things to work then he thinks I'm avoiding the questions (because I am!) and that of course upsets him.
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InSearchofMe
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« Reply #11 on: May 12, 2014, 03:46:30 PM »

Is this a 'just how much more of this are you willing to put up with?' type of conversation?  If it is, I understand your frustration.  It is impossible to give answers to questions like this.  All I have been able to do when my pwBPD asks these types of questions is validate that it is very frustrating when someone does not have answers to your questions.  And if it then ends up deteriorating into a dysregulated conversation about everything and nothing and him raging and emotionally vommitting all over me, I have to enforce boundaries and remove myself from the converstation.
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Littleleft
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« Reply #12 on: May 13, 2014, 04:06:06 AM »

That's pretty much it.

He asks if I'm definitely going to be able to stick it out when I get back from my trip and things along those lines.  As he knows I'm about at the maximum I can take, it would be wrong just to say everything's going to be fine, and invalidating too.

At least now I am aware of validation (it's only something I've known of for about a week since finding this site), so I've been trying to use it whenever I can and I think it has helped some times.  Apart from the on day recently when he had the kind of rage when he won't hear a single words I say, and in that case - as you've said, I enforced my boundaries and removed myself from the situation, telling him we could talk when things were calmer.  I was very surprised at how much better he was later that day, I think because I recognised the need to leave sooner rather than later this time. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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babyoctopus
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« Reply #13 on: May 13, 2014, 06:42:23 PM »

Why CAN'T you be honest, littlleft?

You said: I wish I could be honest and say "I really don't know anymore, there are some issues with our relationship that I know I could not live with long-term."

There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying that. Is it our responsibility as non BPD partners to defuse them at all costs, to the point of not speaking our mind, not being honest?

What "relationship" is worth this I ask? I ask myself everyday.
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Littleleft
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« Reply #14 on: May 14, 2014, 04:23:27 AM »

You're right babyoctopus, I shouldn't have to hide my feelings or what I'm thinking.

I suppose, whilst trying to make a r/s with a pwBPD work, it's about saying it in the right way so as to not provoke an uproar if possible, to not make them feel unnecessarily bad or be invalidating etc.

It would be great to just be able to say what I'm thinking without having to plan it so carefully though! I don't deny that!
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