Hung out with her today.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So I previously posted that my wife had to come to the signing of my condo refi. I was stressing about it as I hadn't seen her in 6 weeks. The signing was supposed to be last night, but there were delays and today I was waiting for the call saying they were ready to come over. My wife was waiting for me to notify her. I came home from work early because I spent all day yesterday, last night, and this morning stressing about what it would be like to see her.

So I'm probably gonna get flack for this, but honestly, I felt like the best way to get over my stress was to just "rip off the band-aid" and invite her to come over and wait with me at my place. She accepted the invitation and came over.

Actually, it was kinda nice to see her. Remember, she has multiple personalities, so I only saw a few of them. The main one wasn't interested in seeing me because she's the one I was having the most problems with. I saw two of the child-like personalities and one grown-up. We talked a lot and discussed the weird way that we split up. It was very sudden and we both sent some regretful emails, so we talked about that.

I told her that even if she were not polyamorous, I don't think our dynamic was healthy. In no way can I discuss her BPD as she is in denial that it's a factor at all. Finally the notary arrived and we signed, then my wife stayed and I ended up cooking dinner for us. She just left a while ago.

We talked about how we both need time to digest the impact of seeing each other, but that it might be nice to maybe hang out once a week. I told her that I think we should definitely keep it to a minimum so that we can make sure it's quality time and I only see the personalities who want to see me.

There you have it. I am definitely not getting sucked back into a relationship with her as we both acknowledge we just don't have anything in common anymore. I told her she is a very very different person than she was a year ago and she agrees. But there's that connection. I feel like it's very important for me to not erase the last two years of my life and pretend they never happened. We both agreed that some of the time we spent together was very very good and we had some really good times. I don't think I want to have her completely out of my life, but it has to be very limited.

[SpringInMyStep]

So I previously posted that my wife had to come to the signing of my condo refi. I was stressing about it as I hadn't seen her in 6 weeks. The signing was supposed to be last night, but there were delays and today I was waiting for the call saying they were ready to come over. My wife was waiting for me to notify her. I came home from work early because I spent all day yesterday, last night, and this morning stressing about what it would be like to see her.

So I'm probably gonna get flack for this, but honestly, I felt like the best way to get over my stress was to just "rip off the band-aid" and invite her to come over and wait with me at my place. She accepted the invitation and came over.

Actually, it was kinda nice to see her. Remember, she has multiple personalities, so I only saw a few of them. The main one wasn't interested in seeing me because she's the one I was having the most problems with. I saw two of the child-like personalities and one grown-up. We talked a lot and discussed the weird way that we split up. It was very sudden and we both sent some regretful emails, so we talked about that.

I told her that even if she were not polyamorous, I don't think our dynamic was healthy. In no way can I discuss her BPD as she is in denial that it's a factor at all. Finally the notary arrived and we signed, then my wife stayed and I ended up cooking dinner for us. She just left a while ago.

We talked about how we both need time to digest the impact of seeing each other, but that it might be nice to maybe hang out once a week. I told her that I think we should definitely keep it to a minimum so that we can make sure it's quality time and I only see the personalities who want to see me.

There you have it. I am definitely not getting sucked back into a relationship with her as we both acknowledge we just don't have anything in common anymore. I told her she is a very very different person than she was a year ago and she agrees. But there's that connection. I feel like it's very important for me to not erase the last two years of my life and pretend they never happened. We both agreed that some of the time we spent together was very very good and we had some really good times. I don't think I want to have her completely out of my life, but it has to be very limited.

[LettingGo14]

So I'm probably gonna get flack for this, but honestly, I felt like the best way to get over my stress was to just "rip off the band-aid" and invite her to come over and wait with me at my place. She accepted the invitation and came over.

We all have our own journey.  I don't think anyone will begrudge you for contact.   No flack here.   

I told her that even if she were not polyamorous, I don't think our dynamic was healthy. In no way can I discuss her BPD as she is in denial that it's a factor at all. Finally the notary arrived and we signed, then my wife stayed and I ended up cooking dinner for us. She just left a while ago.

We talked about how we both need time to digest the impact of seeing each other, but that it might be nice to maybe hang out once a week. I told her that I think we should definitely keep it to a minimum so that we can make sure it's quality time and I only see the personalities who want to see me.

There you have it. I am definitely not getting sucked back into a relationship with her as we both acknowledge we just don't have anything in common anymore. I told her she is a very very different person than she was a year ago and she agrees. But there's that connection. I feel like it's very important for me to not erase the last two years of my life and pretend they never happened. We both agreed that some of the time we spent together was very very good and we had some really good times. I don't think I want to have her completely out of my life, but it has to be very limited.

Ultimately, in my opinion, it's how we relate to the thing that happened that matter.  You had an opportunity to re-frame things, and it sounds like it was successful.   

Be aware, of course, that our minds tend to ruminate on things said (or unsaid).   Just be kind to yourself, and allow your feelings and thoughts to come and go, without judgment.

[SpringInMyStep]

Ultimately, in my opinion, it's how we relate to the thing that happened that matter.  You had an opportunity to re-frame things, and it sounds like it was successful.  

Be aware, of course, that our minds tend to ruminate on things said (or unsaid).   Just be kind to yourself, and allow your feelings and thoughts to come and go, without judgment.

Thanks. : ) Yeah, I have to think on this a little more. I'm happy that it went well. However, I really feel like I need to consider whether or not I can be friends with her if it'll require me to basically humor her on all of this stuff... .I don't really believe she has PTSD or even multiple personalities... .it's all her Borderline. But if I told her that, she'd be really really upset and would probably cut me off. So if I stay friends with her but am not honest about my stance on things, I'm basically doing us a disservice just to keep the peace. I feel like I held my feelings in for too long while we were together so it doesn't necessarily feel right to do it now. But then I don't want to hurt her. ugh. It's confusing!

[LettingGo14]

Thanks. : ) Yeah, I have to think on this a little more. I'm happy that it went well. However, I really feel like I need to consider whether or not I can be friends with her if it'll require me to basically humor her on all of this stuff... .I don't really believe she has PTSD or even multiple personalities... .it's all her Borderline. But if I told her that, she'd be really really upset and would probably cut me off. So if I stay friends with her but am not honest about my stance on things, I'm basically doing us a disservice just to keep the peace. I feel like I held my feelings in for too long while we were together so it doesn't necessarily feel right to do it now. But then I don't want to hurt her. ugh. It's confusing!

Yes!  It is confusing.   In my opinion, you are likely correct not to tell her anything about BPD.   Right now, it's about your healing.  And, if you can establish your goals in moving forward, your perspective will continue to evolve.   We can't change another person - even if we are brutally honest with that person. 

You are right that you might not want full-on friendship, but I believe you might find that Limited Contact has its own healing powers too.  For some of us, No Contact is the only option.  But, for others, LC works too.

[myself]

First, I think it's great you got to see her and it wasn't such a bad time, that must be a welcome relief.

OK, here are a couple of (non-flack) things that stood out in your original post:

we both acknowledge we just don't have anything in common anymore

   Not sure why, no matter who this is, you'd want to hang out with them.

I feel like it's very important for me to not erase the last two years of my life and pretend they never happened.

You can't erase it even if you wanted to. You could try to pretend it didn't happen, but it's probably healthier not to. Would having it continue help you? What are you really looking for with this?

I told her that I think we should definitely keep it to a minimum so that we can make sure it's quality time and I only see the personalities who want to see me.

Do these only come out on Tuesdays? Is it that predictable? How are you going to be able to schedule something like that? Or are you going to get the occasional call, "Hi, it's me, one of the personalities that can get along with you, and, I'm not sure how long this is going to last so you better get over here now?"

I wish the best for you, and hope you can pull this off somehow if you proceed.

[SpringInMyStep]

I told her that I think we should definitely keep it to a minimum so that we can make sure it's quality time and I only see the personalities who want to see me.

Do these only come out on Tuesdays? Is it that predictable? How are you going to be able to schedule something like that? Or are you going to get the occasional call, "Hi, it's me, one of the personalities that can get along with you, and, I'm not sure how long this is going to last so you better get over here now?"

I wish the best for you, and hope you can pull this off somehow if you proceed.

Yeah, good point about why would I want to hang out with someone I had nothing in common with. About the personalities, she can switch at will.  I've been sitting here crocheting and thinking and becoming more and more angry by the minute. I think everything she says is just BS. She sponsors a little girl in Uganda and "loves her and thinks of her as her daughter". Um, the kid has parents, you just send $30/month to some organization. Then she said she was glad I invited her over because she was at home stewing about how they say Ebola is supposed to hit Uganda and she is seriously worried about the girl she sponsors. Like enough to absolutely obsess about till it ruins her day.

So much of how she operates is classic BPD but she won't admit it. She's already in a relationship with a couple, both multiple personalities and one is trans (like my wife is). She's known them for 3 weeks! I don't think that's a relationship! She just attaches herself to people so quickly. They're already planning a trip together! What the heck? Also, I don't really even believe she has multiple personalities, so being with her requires me to play along.

Argh. So I'm glad it went well today and it was actually a relief to see her and get that over with. Maybe this'll help me detach more. I am just conflicted about what i want to tell her. I need to probably hold off on the manifesto because we are going to start the divorce process next week.

Maybe I should just chill right now... .I told her I need time to digest seeing her and that I need a ton of alone time, so contact should be minimal. Maybe I should just keep things this way till the divorce is final, then tell her I can't see her anymore? I just can't be friends with someone who pisses me off so much!

[Blimblam]

When it comes to lc. I must warn to watch out for your inner smeagal. Smeagal is difficult to restrain when "he" surfaces. 

[SpringInMyStep]

When it comes to lc. I must warn to watch out for your inner smeagal. Smeagal is difficult to restrain when "he" surfaces. 

What does that mean?

[Blimblam]

When it comes to lc. I must warn to watch out for your inner smeagal. Smeagal is difficult to restrain when "he" surfaces. 

What does that mean?

I've seen on her the comparison of us turning into the smeagal over "my precious" and I can relate.  I really think for many of us it is like we are froto smeagal and Sam and our exs are the one ring.

[myself]

About the personalities, she can switch at will.

Ask her to turn into the one that loves you, then, and live happily ever after.

Together, or on your own. Either one of those would be good.

(And ask if she can teach some of our exes how to do this, too. Thanks.)

[goldylamont]

ilovestrawberries, i think you did excellent in your meeting and that you should be proud of this. i also did appreciate when i was able to connect with my ex and not have a big argument after we split. i never got all the answers until i found out about BPD on my own, but still and argument free meeting is nice to have.

regarding friendship, a couple of things -- one i don't think you will be able to have a friendship with her at all after the divorce is final. because really you aren't being yourself when you are around her. you are forced to act like everything is ok and that you don't have any hurt, feelings or needs. and you have to validate that everything she's doing, like getting into a 3-way r/s at the drop of a hat is just all rainbows and unicorns. in short, your 'friendship' pretty much requires you to continue walking on the same cracked eggshells you are probably familiar with when you were together. and that's not fair to you.

but, second, i would *not* cue her into any of this. and definitely don't tell her anything about BPD. if i were you i would try and continue to be as cordial/validating and detached as possible until your divorce is final--wait until you are safe financially/situationally/emotionally before letting any of your truths come out.

i had found this article a while ago about how many therapists give bad advice in regards to how a person should conduct themselves when divorcing a high-conflict personality. your situation is not normal. and you should not behave as you would behave if you were separating from a normal person. in a normal r/s i think the goal is to have both partners learn how to show their true, authentic selves. but i think it's somewhat opposite with high conflict partners. it's better to not reveal everything so that you can keep the peace temporarily until things are finalized. and, if we think about it, isn't that kind of what happened at your last meeting (which, again, i think you did excellent at!  )? meaning, didn't you hide much of your true self, being mature but holding back in order to keep the peace? i would say keep doing this until you are completely safe, then the decision is yours.

have a look you may find it interesting. it may sound a bit dramatic for your situation, especially after your last good meeting, but perhaps you can gain something from it:

www.huffingtonpost.com/virginia-gilbert-mft/what-therapists-dont-tell_b_2622776.html

[SpringInMyStep]

myself: hahaha that would never work. but good point. truth is, even the ones who love me want to be poly and can't give me what I need in a relationship.

goldy: thanks! I do feel like I kept it together, though I did cry a little bit when telling her that I gave up my entire life for her for the past year and don't feel like she reciprocated. She said she loved me the way she knows how. But what she does not understand is that relationships are give and take and you can't just take! I'm 100% sure she is doing this with her new r/s and I'm sure they'll get burned out at some point too.

You are so right, I am not able to be myself around her! I even sort of told her that... .I said I don't think it's fair to give people a list of words they can't say around you (she does that)! She then turned that into a whole thing about "well in the trauma community, people respect other people's triggers" blah blah blah. I still don't think she understands how controlling that is to try and police people's language! At all!

I truly do not believe she has ANY trauma. It's all in her head. But if I told her that, she would absolutely freak out. Her new girlfriends are both multiple, one has BPD, and they are both not working, collecting disability. This is PERFECT for my wife, as she needs people around her who buy into her bs.  Who better than that?

Ugh. And thanks for that article... .really good... .my therapist is very good and unfortunately is on vacation this week, but I KNOW she would absolutely advise against confronting my wife about her BPD.