Can you be black and white at the same time to a BPD?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So my ex will say things like I am a great father, a great human being, a good person etc.  Then in the next sentence say she felt like the worst, weakest, and most stupid, insignificant, and insecure person for years because of things I said to her and the way I treated her and that I damaged her spirit.

So, can I at once be a good person and a horrible person to her?

Thanks for your thoughts. 

[55suns]

So my ex will say things like I am a great father, a great human being, a good person etc.  Then in the next sentence say she felt like the worst, weakest, and most stupid, insignificant, and insecure person for years because of things I said to her and the way I treated her and that I damaged her spirit.

So, can I at once be a good person and a horrible person to her?

Thanks for your thoughts. 

[mywifecrazy]

So my ex will say things like I am a great father, a great human being, a good person etc.  Then in the next sentence say she felt like the worst, weakest, and most stupid, insignificant, and insecure person for years because of things I said to her and the way I treated her and that I damaged her spirit.

So, can I at once be a good person and a horrible person to her?

Thanks for your thoughts. 

Yes in my experience they absolutely can.

My uBPDxw definitely had two sides to her. She was running around telling people that I raped her, beat on her and beat on my kids. Then she would be telling me and others what a good man and father I was. I caught her doing this when we were in therapy trying to save our marriage (well I was trying to save our marriage, she was lying and in an affair STILL). I was either painted white or black based on what she needed at the moment.

She is a very ILL person!

[heartandwhole]

Hi 55suns,

It's tough to be on the receiving end of those opposing emotions.  A person with BPD tends to think in black and white/good and bad – there isn't much room for the complexity of human qualities in one person.  

Also, it is quite common for a pwBPD to project his/her own negative feelings onto a partner or someone else close, which it sounds like she was doing when she described how bad she felt about herself.  It has to be someone else's fault, because experiencing that core shame is very, very difficult.  Try to remember that it is not personal, it's really a coping mechanism for her.  She has to protect herself from those feelings of shame and defectiveness.  

In my relationship, we could be having a great conversation, and a (neutral to me) word  could trigger an extreme reaction, where he felt afraid that I was going to hurt him and he had to protect himself from me.  Then, minutes later, after processing his emotions (and me supporting him as best I could) I would be "wonderful" again in his eyes.  

We have a good workshop on this topic, if you'd like to check it out:BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

[55suns]

Thanks for the replies.  I knew about splitting, but I had no idea that I could be split literally in the next sentence... . in front of the therapist no less.  I have always struggled with her black and white thinking in many different contexts.  It is even harder when it is me.  I have a hard time wrapping my head around it.  How could my mere presence make her feel so horrible and yet I am a good person! (rhetorical question of course)