Grounding yourself during their mood swings . . .

[ApChagi1]

Does anyone have any advice on how to stay unaffected by your SO's mood swings?  Last night my wife was upbeat, happy, and lighthearted, and suddenly today "everything is wrong and I don't get or love or support her".  I was really looking forward to a nice relaxing Friday evening at home after work, but I can tell it's just going to be a fight the second I walk in the door. 

Anyone have any suggestions on what to do when you know the ticking time bomb is waiting at home?  I feel so stuck.  I hate my job and I hate coming home from my job.   I don't know where else to go or what to do. 

Thanks.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hergestridge]

Seek support from someone else. Everyone needs a stable and trustworthy person to turn to. Either that or learn not to take her seriously, find a way to make it affect you less (give me a call if you find one!).

I have been through exactly what you describe and it's hell. Do something about it now.

She is not going to change.

[Norrin Radd]

How to stay unaffected? I didn't know that was possible. I am deeply affected by my SOs swings. What makes me cope? I understand and anticipate them. I see the warning signs and do everything I can to minimize the effects. I will make sure to politics extra and to take care of the kids or take them out of the house. I will get a little gift of something she likes like expensive chocolate but won't make a big deal out of it. The best thing for me is if I can get her out of the house and somewhere she will be distracted from her regular emotional cycle. This will at best give me breathing room and when the storm does come I can weather it easier.

You need to create time where you have space to breathe. I will organize a day biweekly where she is out of the house and I stay home to clean. this gives me vital alone time to destress. Also I will use escapism into video games , sci fi tv, politics. I have dune 2 on my HTC phone and I will be able to go continue my campaign for a few minutes and this will get me into a different head space. But ultimately these are stop gap measures.

[Norrin Radd]

Oops in that last reply I meant to say I will make sure to clean extra... . Not politics. LOL

[woodsposse]

 

It is a difficult positon to be in to not know what you are going to walk into day to day.  I know exactly what you are talking about as I lived in it for a very long time.

Ultimately what helped for me was to talk to a councelor.  Well, it started when I finally reached out to a friend (as I had no other place to turn)... . that was helpful, but when I finally decided to talk to a professional - that is what gave me some tools and understandings I could work with.

There are also links (on the right) which can better guide you to some useful tools you can use to help in your r/s.

Taking time for yourself is also a good thing.  do you ever  do anyting for yourself outside of the house (like take a walk, jog, take a quick bike ride)?

[InSearchofMe]

I soo understand being in the position of 'seeing it coming a mile away'.  A couple of things have helped me.

The first, and hardest thing, I had to do was accept that I was not going to get what I want (a peaceful evening at home, get to go to bed, etc.).  I had to work through my own internal "but it's not fair!" temper tantrum. 

The second thing I have to do is figure out what my boundary is and how I am going to enforce it.  Knowing what my plan of action is ahead of time makes it easier to implement it.  I must confess that when having to do this, I can still be resentful that I have to do it at all but it has helped improve things.

[cycle66]

Hi.

I'm new to this board and have posted elsewhere telling my story.

My girlfriend too has some serious mood swings although they are not aggressive. She can make completely way off the mark judgements including about me being uncaring and you are never here (I am-I work shifts though) plus things like I don't care because I have not texted her for hours when I'm at work (I drive trains so cannot have my phone on in  the cab and it can sometimes be as long as 6 hours before I can turn my phone on and speak/text her) also there are times when I have had to come away from an occasion because she felt unwell and alone.

I do get some time away from this to de stress and relax with others, although I really do need to find a friend that I can let off too in confidence.

[maxsterling]

Good advice so far.  Here are a couple of things that have helped me:

1)  Prepare your escape in advance if you anticipate real ugliness.  I've had standing reservations on friend's sofas and a bag of clothes packed in the car.

2)  Head it off at the pass.  Bring home flowers or a small gift, or suggest in advance going out to a movie or some other type of "date".

3)  Tell yourself 1000 times that it has nothing to do with you, and that loving someone is nothing to be ashamed of.

4)  Listen and validate her moods.   She may be having a real crummy day, and you don't see what the big deal is.  But, if you can listen and validate that she is upset, it tends to soften things.

Believe me, I know where you are coming from here.  I just wish I could get two nights of peace a week, but I tend to get maybe two per month.  there is *always* something that is upsetting her.  Lately it's been the suicidal ideation and self-harm/self-loathing multiple days per week, so the above hints I just gave kinda get thrown out the window.

[ziniztar]

The first, and hardest thing, I had to do was accept that I was not going to get what I want (a peaceful evening at home, get to go to bed, etc.).  I had to work through my own internal "but it's not fair!" temper tantrum.  

I so get the inner tantrum.

Apchag, It helps to accept things; here on the boards it's called 'radical acceptance'. Accepting each moment as it is (while not necessarily accepting it will always have to be like this, there is hope   helps you to move to the real issues.

Setting boundaries helps too, they are meant to protect you and to regulate your own reactions. "If her mood has changed instantly... . I... . go take a bath / listen to hear for 10 minutes / ... . " whatever is good for you. It helps to know that using validation helps to reduce the length of these negative mood swings. They will never seize to exist, but you want to aim for shorter cycles. Listen to her, validate her mood regardless of whether you get it or not.

Start with the lessons here on the right, they will help!  

[waverider]

Separating her stuff from your stuff, and realizing her stuff is not a reflection on you.

Having somewhere else to be, reduces the feeling of being trapped

Try to break your life up into choices, rather than just default. Even staying and putting up with it is a choice. It is easier to cope with if you know it was a choice, rather than something you default into because you haven't thought of any alternative choices.

Most importantly dont follow her ride dont go on the high when she is high, it only makes the low even more dramatic.

Do not make any of your actions reactionary, you will always be reacting to the wrong basic issue, and it will always make things worse.

[Haye]

I'm not able to ground myself complitely, but i do try to fall down together with my SO by gardening (i pull weeds), painting and by coming here. For me it helps to read what others go trhough, or if necessary, write about my own situation. My SO's aggression is rather mild, or at least now that i know what it is I can take it quite calmly. I find his grumpy outbursts rather easy to deal with (or easy stay grounded), him going upbeat is a bit odd but doesn't quite affect me. For me it's difficult when he drops mentally in to this very very dark pit of other hopelessness.

[Haye]

Ooops, i pushed post-button too fast . My SO himself is bothered by his own moodswings, he's basically fed up with not being able to control at all if his going down or angry or whatever. I think it helps me to stay grounded, knowing that they are not-so-nice-swings to him too. I was also daughter of two wildly unbalanced parents, much more difficult than him, and i've also been prone to moodswings myself eariler in my life. I don't particularly like unstability, i actaully avoid people who's moods swing, but for some reason my SO is an exception to that rule.   

It also helps, i guess, that i have learnt to live with something quite similar to radical acceptance already before him and gradually developed a bit better at it. I don't expect much, and do not plan too precisely as his daily and even per hour state of mind or condition is hard to predict. I'm happy that haven't been huge changes lately (meaning him deciding suddenly to move out or such), that there is at least a small level of predictability .

[misuniadziubek]

Honestly? If it gets really bad, but I know it isn't going to last very long, I'll leave the situation as far as possible without actually leaving him and making him feel abandoned. Like lately, I'll go off to the kitchen to wash the dishes or clean up his place a bit for him or make some food. It's strange but it works really well. He'll eventually come to me and his mood will be stable enough for us to talk and have a normal conversation. He'll become more affectionate and happy. The only real struggle left is to act normal towards him at that point and not attempt to retaliate for the way's he's treated me only minutes before. (Sometimes half an hour) If I can let go quickly enough, things become normal for a while. Plus he'll thank me for cleaning up. It feels like win-win.

The only down side of all of this is no one else in any normal relationship would understand why I win here, but honestly, to me finding that happy balance with him is worth everything else, because he can be such a wonderful person when he's in a good mood.

[waverider]

The only down side of all of this is no one else in any normal relationship would understand why I win here, but honestly, to me finding that happy balance with him is worth everything else, because he can be such a wonderful person when he's in a good mood.

You win because it doesn't make you more miserable than you otherwise could be. Outsiders would say it is not teaching him anything, but they are wrong. Having it out would allow him to soothe by embroiling you in it and projecting it on to you. By removing yourself it removes that method of soothing, so ultimately it is not encouraged.

Eventually you can learn to disengage earlier, almost subconsciously before it even starts to be an issue.

[Lilibeth]

So glad i found this page. With me it's like a relentless battering. He'll follow me wherever i go, except to the washroom, and throw the choicest hurtful words that he can at me. So i hide there, but when i come out, there he is again... . After a bit i get so desperate because there is nothing i can say that will stop the barrage. He is very intelligent and i get the feeling that at the difficult times it becomes even sharper and more pointed. After some hours, or maybe days, he tries to be normal. Sometimes i cannot revert to my happy self, and sometimes i do, but always there is the fear now that it is not going to be very long before another attack happens. I have learnt to disengage - sometimes it works very well, but sometimes i still crumble. I've also seen, of late, that when i am not afraid, i can cope better. Have to get there... .

These have given me a pep up today:

Tell yourself 1000 times that it has nothing to do with you - maxsterling

Separating her stuff from your stuff, and realizing her stuff is not a reflection on you. - Waverider

Don't get disheartened ApChagi1. It will work out - just takes a little time and practice. And you are not alone... .

[ziniztar]

It helps to learn the signs. When my dBPDbf starts complaining about other people nagging him, it means he is getting frustrated and overload is just around the corner. I know to lay low then, because he's near to bursting out. And when that happens, I probably will be the one who is blamed for his outburst.

If there is an outburst anyways, or in his case he stops talking to me, I go clean as well. Usually I am quite resentful in such a moment, which is a good quality when cleaning dishes or bathroom stains 

After the first break-up (which followed a nasty outburst) I've been scared of negative cycles coming back. Every sign of him being in a lesser mood was a trigger for me to think the same would happen again. However, I've really learned to respond differently and I can say that I've celebrated our third depressed-mood-not-escalating, even during a time where stupid life things happened to him on top of that (traffic jam, broken phones... . )

What I've noticed is that he values solutions and is willing to work with me on them. I mentioned (during an okay cycle) that I find it hard to get from him what I need if he's in a depressed mood. There is no room for me then, and I can't blame him, but it is still an issue for me! He feels bad for not being able to be there for me. We came up with the concept of a little egg-timer that allows me to ask for 10 minutes of his undivided attention.

This week he had an extremely bad mood, came home, didn't talk, didn't answer regular questions, wanted to sleep. I had a bad mood because my father and sister got into a huge fight and I listened to both of them for two hours in total, felt upset, and did not want to deal with his mood as well. I asked: "I would like to put the egg-timer on the table." He valued the sign, set the alarm clock, and listened to me. He returned to his depressed state afterward, but at least I didn't have the feeling I was in this alone, and he feels more of a man because he is able to be there for me when I need it. Sometimes it is a matter of communicating (without judging!).