My BPDexw and I divorced back in 2012, but then after a time apart she wanted to try again with me and promised to do therapy and everything (though, not specifically admitting she has BPD). I was dating someone at the time, but I broke it off with them once she started going to therapy for herself. To make a long story short, things again went very quickly and very sexually, and within a month or two she invited herself to move back into my house. Once that happened, it was like a switch flipped. She was back into the mode of: "everything revolves around me and my needs... . let's see if you are doing enough or if I think you are focusing too much on me. oh, and by the way you suck at this, right here, so that's why I sit in bed all day. oh, and don't look over here and get all jealous while I hang out 'just as friends' with the guy I cheated on you with during our marriage. I dont understand why you don't like it, and I don't really care that it is killing you".
So, the relationship ended. At first, she said, "I just want to be friends" after I finally told her "enough" regarding her "friendship" with this other man. She berated me for a good 45 minutes (though, more like a thoughtful lecture) about how I disappointed her again because I went back to being "insecure" and "hesitant" and nervous around her in certain situations, especially in the bedroom. (Hmm... . maybe because I could tell I was back to being controlled by her vagina). Anyway, I was heart-broken. There was, of course, partial truth to what she said, but of course she owned zero responsibility for being any different or acting in ways that caused that kind of doubt and confusion in me. However, the next day I found out from a former house-guest a lot more things, including drunken fooling around with this guy and with our son's 18 year old friend (which our son had to witness, but completely avoided talking about or feeling anything about because he is totally wrapped around his mom's finger, still). That was it. I told her to get out.
It took me 3 months to get her out. Over three months. I tried being nice. I tried giving her time to pay off the thousands in debt she racked up in the short months that we were back together. She did that, and then there were just more excuses, more reasons why she couldn't yet. Couldn't find a place. Didn't have money (keep in mind, she paid no bills except her own expenses, and I still paid her child and spousal support the ENTIRE time she lived with me, thinking I was helping her out). I started the eviction process to get her out. I kept away from her as much as possible, unless there were witnesses around, so that I could avoid her doing another false restraining order on me to gain control.
So... . she's out of my house. Praise God! Hehe. But we have kids, so I still have to deal with her. She is living at her sister's house. Well, recently her sister's ex husband went over there and got into a fight with her sister. My ex got involved and was threatened and physically assaulted, right in front of her sister's kids and my kids. My ex did the right thing by letting me keep the kids with me, even though it is her week to have them. But it concerns me. It isn't her fault that this guy is a psycho. However, he was mainly upset with my ex because his teen daughter tells him that my ex brings guys over to the house.
Now, he remembers back 4 years ago when my ex lived over there during one of our divorce attempts, when she was having an affair with this same guy. Of course, she told everyone he was her "gay friend". I eventually found out and kicked her out legally, but she begged me not to tell her family because they would reject her. So I didn't (remember, I was still under the guise that everything is everybody else's fault when it comes to her and her family are evil, unloving people). However, they figured it out when her sister's kids and brother heard her humping this guy in the bedroom while they were all out in the living room watching cartoons. My ex denies that to this day, but you know... . they were pretty sure of what they heard, and they all figured it out somehow. I didn't tell them.
So, fastforward to today. I'm trying to deal with my anger and my own frustrations of my ex wife involving my children with other men and exposing them to inappropriate things. There is a carnival in town this weekend, and though the kids are with me she wants to take them. I said "fine", of course. But then she said she wants me to go with her for protecting, in case her sister's ex husband is there and tries to hurt her. I didn't respond. A few minutes later she texts me and says, "If you don't want to go with me, I'll have to bring a guy friend with me for protection." Obviously, she's trying to hook me into jumping in there and saying "No, wait... . I'll go." I told her I don't care and that yes, I'd rather not go with her. She misunderstood and asked me to clarify. I told her I don't care if she brings some dude, though the girls might, so long as she is not exposing them to something inappropriate.
This, of course, prompted a multi-message response telling me how "one day" I'll see that she is a wonderful mother to these kids and always protects them and puts them first. Blah blah blah. I wrote back and just said, "I was just making a general statement... . I don't care what you do, and I would only care if they were being exposed to something inappropriate". Of course, this is a half truth. This incident with her sister's violent ex husband raised concerns again about what she does with people (including childrent) around.
So why am I writing all of this? What's the point? Well, partly I'm venting
. But partly, I'm having a difficult time detaching from this stuff. I rightly did not allow her to manipulate me into going to the carnival with her, but then I feel badly for making a statement about her exposing the kids to bad things because it obviously struck a nerve. Yet at the same time, I have every reason to be concerned. Just lots of conflicting feelings. I don't want to be MEAN toward her, but I know that my compassion toward her is a hook she feeds on and tries to pull on, so I generally keep it under wraps.
Any suggestions or similar stories from anyone? Is it just a matter of time and progressing on the path?
I have to admit that it does piss me off thinking of her with other guys, and I don't want it to. I don't want to care. I've had my "care" about her be the source of simply too much pain and suffering over the years. Way too much. And she is blind to what she is.
