Well over him, but angry at myself?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Just to clarify-  I'm over this guy and I have been for at least 4 months.

I've initiated NC in Feb.

He's been pestering me with calls every week.

I never answer his calls nor do I reply to his ridiculous texts.

I feel very much detached. However, sometimes I do get anger episodes. More towards at myself than at him.  For instance, this morning I was in my car driving to work when suddenly I saw a chicken burger ad. I'm vegetarian and just the thought of that burger churned my stomach. Soon it led to a memory I had of him last year trying to force me to eat meat to show my love for him. He said that in a joking way but I knew he was serious.

I never ate the meat, in fact as soon as he tried that I losty appetite.

Then another thought came to my mind, this time it was about a night when we had an argument and then next day he called me crying saying he woke up in a hotel room with two women. He swore he never slept with them and I believed him at the time. After all he was so much in love with me, he couldn't possibly had cheated on me, right?

Well wrong, today I see everything with crystal vision. He obviously slept with them ( a mother and a daughter, how disgusting) and I ran the risk of contracting sexual diseases. I'm so sickened by his behaviour. But to tell u the truth I'm more sickened at my own behaviour for sticking around this vile guy.

Is it normal to feel so angry at yourself?

[Dolly rocker]

Just to clarify-  I'm over this guy and I have been for at least 4 months.

I've initiated NC in Feb.

He's been pestering me with calls every week.

I never answer his calls nor do I reply to his ridiculous texts.

I feel very much detached. However, sometimes I do get anger episodes. More towards at myself than at him.  For instance, this morning I was in my car driving to work when suddenly I saw a chicken burger ad. I'm vegetarian and just the thought of that burger churned my stomach. Soon it led to a memory I had of him last year trying to force me to eat meat to show my love for him. He said that in a joking way but I knew he was serious.

I never ate the meat, in fact as soon as he tried that I losty appetite.

Then another thought came to my mind, this time it was about a night when we had an argument and then next day he called me crying saying he woke up in a hotel room with two women. He swore he never slept with them and I believed him at the time. After all he was so much in love with me, he couldn't possibly had cheated on me, right?

Well wrong, today I see everything with crystal vision. He obviously slept with them ( a mother and a daughter, how disgusting) and I ran the risk of contracting sexual diseases. I'm so sickened by his behaviour. But to tell u the truth I'm more sickened at my own behaviour for sticking around this vile guy.

Is it normal to feel so angry at yourself?

[corraline]

I think its normal to go through stuff like this. Its just horrible to think back to all of the abuse we tolerated in the relationship we had.

I am angry at myself too Dolly. I also feel ashamed .I get it. I thought i had it more together than that.  I have undermined my own personal integrity and values and I have a big lesson to learn here.  I am trying to forgive myself by looking at that and accepting who I am right now.  Then i feel i will be able to move past my own shame and blame.  Part of that is the whole self care and focusing on me.

Its done, I can't change what I did in the past, I can only learn from it and work on myself so I can make healthier choices for myself in the future.

[Dolly rocker]

I agree with you Corraline.

And I get friends telling me "I can only learn with my mistakes". But somehow I never learnt anything from this stupid r/s.

I see it as a big waste of my time.

The way I think about it now is the way I used to think before I met him. I was strong, I was mature, I knew my self worth.

It's just beyond me why I lost all my self respect for 7 long months.

I didn't become any stronger, I didn't learn anything knew... . If anything I feel weaker than I was 2 years ago. I feel demoralised. I feel like a fool.

Can't forgive myself sometimes! :-S

[corraline]

sometimes i'm there too dolly. i really am. a friend of mine said to me recently, you have gone through this to make you stronger.  part of me just says  "screw the stronger" i just want to be over it and NOW! problem is , im not so... . i know that there is something more for me to understand.