Some hopeful signs

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Our most recent marriage counseling session a few days ago was shocking.  In that she said that she could see how her behavior caused negative issues in our relationship. 

Went out last night and things went well.

This morning she started the same old thing about wondering who I was getting turned on by when I was with her... . not saying... but implying that I couldn't be "turned on" by her but must have been looking at someone else.  She said she felt used by me at the music and dancing place we went to.

I tried to validate and tell her that must have been frustrating.  She pushed me away and I went on with my day.

I stayed even the entire time and didn't "react" or "disapprove" of her statements.

So... . a few hours later we get back to house and she tells the kids to go in the house she wants to talk to Daddy.  She apologized for talking about that stuff and said she had a good time and wanted to go back and dance some more.  Some light hugging and pecking and I went on with what I had planned.

Hoping to go for a walk this afternoon.

So... luckily... . I'm looking for advice from those that have had things turn in good direction.  I want to be vigilant... but don't want to squash progress.

Thoughts?

[formflier]

Our most recent marriage counseling session a few days ago was shocking.  In that she said that she could see how her behavior caused negative issues in our relationship. 

Went out last night and things went well.

This morning she started the same old thing about wondering who I was getting turned on by when I was with her... . not saying... but implying that I couldn't be "turned on" by her but must have been looking at someone else.  She said she felt used by me at the music and dancing place we went to.

I tried to validate and tell her that must have been frustrating.  She pushed me away and I went on with my day.

I stayed even the entire time and didn't "react" or "disapprove" of her statements.

So... . a few hours later we get back to house and she tells the kids to go in the house she wants to talk to Daddy.  She apologized for talking about that stuff and said she had a good time and wanted to go back and dance some more.  Some light hugging and pecking and I went on with what I had planned.

Hoping to go for a walk this afternoon.

So... luckily... . I'm looking for advice from those that have had things turn in good direction.  I want to be vigilant... but don't want to squash progress.

Thoughts?

[InSearchofMe]

Glad to hear you are seeing positive things happen.  I too have seen things take a turn for the better.  My BPDh is participating in regular therapy and is on new medication and things have continued to improve.  What I think is even more important is how I have changed and what I am doing differently.  Setting and maintaining boundaries, validating appropriately, and continuing to improve my self-care are things I can do to help provide a healthy environment for both of us.  I am most certainly not doing any of this perfectly but I am getting better.

That said, I need to remember that continuing to work on my side of things really has nothing to do with whether his behavior changes or not. 

[Littleleft]

It's great to hear some postitive news!

InSearchOfMe - do you mind if I ask what medication and therapy is working for your BPDh?

Formflier - is there anything in particular that you think is helping? Or do you think that the validation did the trick then, it was just a delayed reaction to it on her part?

Thanks!

[InSearchofMe]

Littleleft--his medication is still in flux while his psychiatrist determines what is best.  This week they took him off the Zoloft our family doctor had him on for quite some time and increased his Abilify.  These meds have to be coordinated with those that he takes for chronic pain (horrible car accident several years ago).

As far as therapy I could not really say what the specific approach is that the therapist is taking. My BPDh is seeing his therapist once a week and I do see a change in his behavior.  I think the most important thing he has shared with me about therapy (he has been in and out for years) is that he realized he was never willing to really listen to any of the previous therapists.  He continues to feel good about the work they are doing together.  Although BPDh is still resentful at times that he has to do any of this, he continues to participate with his treatment team.

[MissyM]

Good to see others doing well!  My dBPDh and I are really handling things well.  We have been doing The High Conflict couple with a DBT therapist, it has totally turned things around with us. 

[formflier]

We got that book and are just barely getting going.

I suspect she has been reading it more than I have.  I have heard many good reviews and experiences about this book.

Good to see others doing well!  My dBPDh and I are really handling things well.  We have been doing The High Conflict couple with a DBT therapist, it has totally turned things around with us. 

[Littleleft]

Thank you all - it's really good to hear some things that as helping you all.  BPD is very new to me, so I really appreciate hearing from you all about what's working for you.

[MissyM]

We got that book and are just barely getting going.

I suspect she has been reading it more than I have.  I have heard many good reviews and experiences about this book.

I don't think we could do it on our own.  It helps going in every week and having assignments.  We also have individual therapy and 12 step programs.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm so glad to hear things have improved for you!

So... luckily... . I'm looking for advice from those that have had things turn in good direction.  I want to be vigilant... but don't want to squash progress.

My suggestion is try to be somewhat detached from her progress; it will probably be a bumpy path... . and you have no control over it!

Instead focus on where you do have control--yourself--Work on the tools/lessons here. Work on the exercises in the High Conflict Couple. Work on taking care of yourself, so that you are stronger and better able to stay even tempered when she starts to veer off a bit, like you did this morning.

I don't recall... . but if you did start enforcing specific boundaries, keep them clear in your own mind and be ready to do it again if it is needed.

[formflier]

Yes... . I have started doing boundaries.  Password for gmail and phone were the big ones.

I suspect (hope) that there was an "extinction burst" over that. 

that was the issue she used to take away intimacy and really seemed to bother her.

But... . when she caved on it... . she made it like it was no big deal and said she felt silly for trying to "manipulate" (not her word) me to get the password back.

Fingers crossed... .

I'm so glad to hear things have improved for you!

So... luckily... . I'm looking for advice from those that have had things turn in good direction.  I want to be vigilant... but don't want to squash progress.

My suggestion is try to be somewhat detached from her progress; it will probably be a bumpy path... . and you have no control over it!

Instead focus on where you do have control--yourself--Work on the tools/lessons here. Work on the exercises in the High Conflict Couple. Work on taking care of yourself, so that you are stronger and better able to stay even tempered when she starts to veer off a bit, like you did this morning.

I don't recall... . but if you did start enforcing specific boundaries, keep them clear in your own mind and be ready to do it again if it is needed.

[an0ught]

Hi formflier,

Yes... . I have started doing boundaries.  Password for gmail and phone were the big ones.

I suspect (hope) that there was an "extinction burst" over that. 

that was the issue she used to take away intimacy and really seemed to bother her.

But... . when she caved on it... . she made it like it was no big deal and said she felt silly for trying to "manipulate" (not her word) me to get the password back.

Fingers crossed... .

This is actually really good. She

- realized that she could not push through

- realized that her means were not ok

- realized that her need was not so critical in the overall scheme of things

This sort of self reflection and learning is incredibly valuable and you enabled it by staying true to yourself 

[formflier]

Check out my other post about family therapy.

I think I am in the 3 steps forward... . 2 steps back part.  I do think I am making headway.

Definitely with my own thinking on this.

To all:  I appreciate the insight and suggestions.

Fingers crossed and I will continue to push forward on this.  My "mental attitude" is that I will not provoke... . but I will no longer be passive... . no longer hide or apologize for her behavior.  Especially if she is the one making it public. 

Hi formflier,

Yes... . I have started doing boundaries.  Password for gmail and phone were the big ones.

I suspect (hope) that there was an "extinction burst" over that. 

that was the issue she used to take away intimacy and really seemed to bother her.

But... . when she caved on it... . she made it like it was no big deal and said she felt silly for trying to "manipulate" (not her word) me to get the password back.

Fingers crossed... .

This is actually really good. She

- realized that she could not push through

- realized that her means were not ok

- realized that her need was not so critical in the overall scheme of things

This sort of self reflection and learning is incredibly valuable and you enabled it by staying true to yourself 

[KateCat]

formflier,

I think I remember you mentioning that you are in a professional position that is open to public scrutiny. (And also that your wife has some history of making threats to "tell" on you as a form of pressuring you to do specific things.) Do you have a plan for protecting your livelihood as you move now to declare important boundaries?

(I don't remember reading on this forum of public officials in particular who have had to choose between their careers and boundaries in their marriage, but more than one member has found it necessary to leave the clergy, I believe. I also think these men were at peace with their decisions at the end of the day, but a very long and painful day it was, to be sure.)

Are you seeing a counselor for yourself, or someone who can provide guidance on this sensitive subject? There can't be all that many people with personal experience of these particular risks.

[formflier]

You are quite correct that this is something to consider.

Luckily I have a military pension.  So my family will have benefits and there will be money for food... . but... . loosing job would be financially painful... . but not devastating.

I've also sorted out in my head that I believe I am trying to stop a fourth generation of personality disorder (my children).  So... . the choice between job and that... . is easy.  I pick my kids.

Also have put in place monitoring on my person so that I have evidence to show any police that should refute any whacky claims.

Last:  I'm a public guy in a smaller area.  People know me... . that coupled with evidence I have should do the trick... I hope.

But... . at end of the day... . I will try my best and if I have to get another job... . so be it.

Please keep the questions or issues coming that I need to think through... .

I appreciate the help this board provides.

formflier,

I think I remember you mentioning that you are in a professional position that is open to public scrutiny. (And also that your wife has some history of making threats to "tell" on you as a form of pressuring you to do specific things.) Do you have a plan for protecting your livelihood as you move now to declare important boundaries?

(I don't remember reading on this forum of public officials in particular who have had to choose between their careers and boundaries in their marriage, but more than one member has found it necessary to leave the clergy, I believe. I also think these men were at peace with their decisions at the end of the day, but a very long and painful day it was, to be sure.)

Are you seeing a counselor for yourself, or someone who can provide guidance on this sensitive subject? There can't be all that many people with personal experience of these particular risks.

[KateCat]

 

I remember you saying, too, that you live in a smaller community. Makes sense that people living in these more intimate groupings have personal knowledge of each other that those of us who live in big metro areas can't fully grasp. That could be really protective for your reputation. Whew.

The fact that you still wish your marriage to succeed could also temper any actions your wife might consider taking. She stands to lose a lot as well if she crosses clearly defined boundaries.

You probably have just about zero free time each day, but any time you can pop in over on the Legal board and keep up with the advice from senior members there is time well spent. Cause they've seen so much of what you have already faced and may yet face as your move forward. And there's probably not a single one of them who did not fight to save a marriage--generally fighting without the benefit of the knowledge you are gaining here.

[formflier]

Yes... . I need to set an appointment next week with lawyer to go over options... . just in case.

I don't want to "pull the trigger" on anything... . but I also don't want to start from zero if some big drama comes up.

Thanks again... .

I remember you saying, too, that you live in a smaller community. Makes sense that people living in these more intimate groupings have personal knowledge of each other that those of us who live in big metro areas can't fully grasp. That could be really protective for your reputation. Whew.

The fact that you still wish your marriage to succeed could also temper any actions your wife might consider taking. She stands to lose a lot as well if she crosses clearly defined boundaries.

You probably have just about zero free time each day, but any time you can pop in over on the Legal board and keep up with the advice from senior members there is time well spent. Cause they've seen so much of what you have already faced and may yet face as your move forward. And there's probably not a single one of them who did not fight to save a marriage--generally fighting without the benefit of the knowledge you are gaining here.

[Grey Kitty]

Yes... . I need to set an appointment next week with lawyer to go over options... . just in case.

You will get much better advice directly on the legal board, however I've read a bit there and seen a couple things you should do. One is get/read a book called "Splitting". (bpdfamily review here)

The other is ask your lawyer about their experience with "high conflict" divorces... . apparently these are often a very different game than even a normal acrimonious divorce... . Long, bitter, and expensive as a rule.

[KateCat]

The legal board also has people who discuss the need to co-parent with individuals who accuse them of the craziest things, and who include the children in the conversation. They can refer you to readings on the things psychologists call "emotional incest" and "parental alienation," among other things.