Read something interesting today

[woodsposse]

 

So... . I'm a bit bored out of my head today. 

I had a rather "interesting" night out last night with a friend from school, and the whole night turned into a big freaking mess.  I got triggered left and right when he picked me up and we started driving towards the town I use to live in with my (now) ex-wife.  The closer we got to the town, I could really feel my anxiety starting to creep up.  See... . I didn't know where we were going, I thought we were having a "boys night" out at a bar or something - but he wanted to go hang with his friend at their house.  Pleasant enough couple, but the mother (wife) reminded me way to much of my mother... . especially the interaction with her son (a delightful young man).  Anyway... . things were just not pretty by the time we left.

All sorts of memories and emotions flooded in by the time I got home... . memories of my childhood, memories of life with my diagnosed wife... . it was bad.  Although I finally came to the understanding and realization that I had been living with and dealing with a woman who has a personality disorder recently - the emotions and scars that I have are still very deep and will take a little while to sort out.

So, as I'm sitting here alone in my house... . I'm bored out of my head and wanted to chat with somebody... . anybody.  So I went on Google and tried to find chat rooms to join.  WOW why are all chat rooms about sex. 

But I digress.

I found a page which dealt with BPD and I thought I'd join their room.  It was closed.  But... . there were some posters who suffer from the disorder and I started reading what they were writing.  And some of the things they wrote was so emotionally triggering because it was exactly the type of stuff my wife had been saying (and doing) around me during our marriage.  I mean, almost word for word.

A part of me... . the loving part of me... . had total empathy for them - and by extension, my now ex-wife.

There is a part of me tonight which feels "bad" because I know she is ill... . and my actions/reactions to her chaos helped drive a further wedge between us.  I mean, had I known all those years ago that this is the illness she had, I may have had it in me to handle things so much differently.  Back when I had the strength and energy (and wellness) to take care of her.

But those days are so far behind me and I can barely take care of myself right now.  I mean, I'm not a totally everyday mess... . but some days are much better than others - and some days (like last night) are just not pretty in the least bit.

I want to be mad at her.  I want to never think of her or all the crazy chaos things she did to me and around me... . and I want to hate her.  But I can't.  And this is the part which saddens me... . even if she knows fully and completely she is ill, there isn't anything she can do (or probably wants to do).  She has her new life, and new family... . (they just had twins... . yeah, that still hurts a little bit).  She is no longer my concern.

But still... . I thought it was interesting to read posts by people who know they have the disorder and to get a glimpse into their world without have to relive it.

(but I'm still bored!)

[corraline]

yah woods, i hear you.

when i think about things that happened with my ex, i have times where i feel sick to my stomach, i feel anxiety, other days i feel sadness and grief, then other days i feel peace and gratitude.  Today i feel grief.  I know what you mean about reading from the perspective of a BPD.  on this site there is an article along side how a relationship evolves and it goes like this (just in case you have not read it)


Love when you have Borderline Personality Disorder... .

Some partners of people with BPD worry the relationship was just a game, that their SO was using them and felt nothing for them. That’s not true.

I am a recovering BP.

Before, when I was in a relationship, my feelings felt genuine. I didn’t have a conscious ulterior motive. There was an authentic connection; and while it may have been unhealthy and for the wrong reasons, it was, in my mind, real.

I acted as if I was in love because I thought I was.

The bond that occurred in the beginning of a relationship was incredible: there was a deep (false) sense of knowing the other person intimately, intuitively. He became my whole world and it was wonderful, rapturous. When my boyfriends left – and they invariably left – that world was anhiliated; everything fell to ashes.

The break-up that led to my hard-won recovery from BPD left me literally slumped on the floor, crushed in spirit, feeling as if there was no meaning in my life.

I was close to killing myself - too defeated and broken to even move. The saddest thing about the situation was that I was the cause of my pain, yet had little idea then that it was due to my own behavior.

So yes, the love is “real”, but only in the sense of how it feels to the person with BPD: the feelings seem real, they feel like love.

But it’s not love because it’s based on need rather than on true caring and intimacy, which is the real love we all deserve.

~Oceanheart (anonymous bpdfamily.com member)

there is another story from a BPD on the facing the facts to the right of the articles too.  they break my heart .

Bored ?  get it...

think im going to find something funny to watch on netflix. Humour is my antidote to pain and boredom sometimes. as long as i don't use it to self soothe too often    or drive my teenagers crazy.  they don't think im funny at all !

hey , i went out dancing to a reggae night the other night.  yikes, it took alot for me to get the motivation to do so but it was my girlfriends birthday and i did not want to let her down.  I actually had fun ! woo hoo !

[woodsposse]

 

Thanks for posting that.  Yes, I had read it before but it is always great to read it again.

I too sometimes feel grateful the r/s is over... . and sometimes I still have some greif mixed with a longing to help her.  It just seems that I did that for her for so long (help her, that is) that it is second nature.  There is a part of me which still feels good inside when I can help her.  But, in the end, no matter what I did - it was never enough.  And, of course, not being fully aware of her illness during our r/s - I would get frustrated (naturally) with all the behaviors and circular arguments... . and, I at times seemed to be the person with the serious problems because I just couldn't wrap my brain around where she was coming from.

A part of me feels "bad" because of my triggering episode last night.  But a part of me doesn't.

I don't need to explain myself to those folks.  Anyone who knows me knows I have been through a whole mess of mess in the past 5 years of my life.  A little melt down every now and again is okay.  I am seriously a work in progress.  I'm actually surprised I have made it this far without totally cracking up.

Luckily, the r/s I had with a delightful young lady after my wife and I split up - she didn't see all the emotionally falling down I did when I was at home alone.  I wasn't trying to lie to her - she knew I was going through a rough transition - but I tried to keep that from her... . hell,, anyone.  It could get quite... . not pretty at times.

But I'm actually doing better these days.  And, at least, if nothing else - I'm grateful for having come to this site and have an understanding of what I had been dealing with for all those years.  Now, I'm just trying to re-integrate those experiences to get to a much more better emotional wellness point.

Some days I will fall down go boom.  But those days are getting further and further apart.

[corraline]

I'm actually surprised I have made it this far without totally cracking up.  uh... . done that... .

I agree a little meltown is okay sometimes.  Understanding and accepting that we are a work in progress is embracing our vulnerability without judging it. We can then become whole and strong.


But I'm actually doing better these days.  And, at least, if nothing else - I'm grateful for having come to this site and have an understanding of what I had been dealing with for all those years.  Now, I'm just trying to re-integrate those experiences to get to a much more better emotional wellness point.

Some days I will fall down go boom.  But those days are getting further and further apart.

me too woods.  thanks for sharing this...

[Turkish]

Hi woods, glad you made it here ok to talk.

Have you read anything by AJ Mahari? She's a self-described "recovered Borderline." Her writings are very interesting to say the least, talking about her BPD self. It's both fascinating and uplifting to me. I don't find it triggering, but YMMV.

So yes, the love is “real”, but only in the sense of how it feels to the person with BPD: the feelings seem real, they feel like love.

But it’s not love because it’s based on need rather than on true caring and intimacy, which is the real love we all deserve

pwBPD feel the same emotions we do, just more intensely, and they are fickle to say the least. It was real... . then it was not.

The need comment is interesting. Mine wrote in her journal "I just want to run back into your arms, but I want it to be out of love, not need." Only a pwBPD could equate being picked up by some bouncer at a club downtown while I was hanging out with our children as "Love" She did hang out with him now and then for a few weeks before she started really falling for him, so I guess it was "real love" to her.

It still disgusts me to think about it.