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BPDso keeps calling...
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Topic: BPDso keeps calling... (Read 727 times)
dreamofstars
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BPDso keeps calling...
«
on:
May 24, 2014, 08:38:08 AM »
My BPDso keeps calling, its a long weekend, quietly, lonely, 3 days off work, my friends are having family time with spouses and kids, though they were nice enough to invite me along, but don't want to be awkward and don't want to have an emotional meltdown in front of kids.
My BPDso moved in with new GF, but keeps calling, he wants to talk and try to work it out, then he left VM to invite me to lake, WHAT IS HE THINKING?
I should just stop reading texts and listening to VM, it tears open the wounds all over again. But i just keeping thinking, what if this is the time he is for real, I wouldnt want to miss the chance to have things back the normal and maybe even better... .
Any ideas to cope and fill the time would be great. Please share if you are going through the same thing
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Infared
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Re: Dreading long weekend - BPDso keeps calling - HELP ME get my mind off
«
Reply #1 on:
May 24, 2014, 09:08:00 AM »
I feel for you. I have been treated the same way, and I kept expecting an adult that would show me grown up behavior. For me, that never happened. For the 5 years that I lived with my pwBPD she "appeared" to be trusting and honest... . but after she ran off with someone a week before Xmas... . she turned into a bizarre counterfeit simulation of the person that I "thought" I had lived with. She did not admit to, or take responsibility for ANYTHING she had done. AND she expected me to be the same caring, loving person that I had always been?... . Even though she was living with my replacement? It was the behavior of a 5-year old. It devastated me.
It took me a while and a lot of therapy to come to grips with the situation, get some self esteem and finally get the self-love to go absolutely and totally NC. I know she is sick, and I wish her well, but I cannot interact with her, it is just too painful for me.
If your are really serious about loving you, you can get a new phone number. I did.
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dreamofstars
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Re: Dreading long weekend - BPDso keeps calling - HELP ME get my mind off
«
Reply #2 on:
May 24, 2014, 10:41:18 AM »
Hi infrared,
Thanks for sharing. I know... . it's crazy... . I was totally devoted, faithful, loving, supportive and this is what I get in return - having to deal with an illogical, crazy, psychopath. Like you, my BPDso will not admit things but still expects me to be committed. He "says" he wants to heal "together" and have a new and even better life. I know is BS and impossible. It is devastating. I was not perfect, but I don't deserve this severe treatment, I was always devoted and faithful. Its hard to comprehend since I am a normal functioning person dealing with someone who is living in some crazy fantasy world - FUTILE! We've been together 20 years, and he was basically living a double life, which just came to light in the past several months. That is how trusting I was, that I let it go on so long. I am starting therapy next week... .
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Lion Fire
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Re: Dreading long weekend - BPDso keeps calling - HELP ME get my mind off
«
Reply #3 on:
May 24, 2014, 11:15:59 AM »
Dreamofstars, this is a sore one, I feel your pain and anguish.
From my experience, the best way has been total NC... . blocked whatsapp, iphone, fb and Skype. The only way she can get to me now is by email but I'm in the process of changing addresses because I can't figure out how to block her there. This has been extremely painful and the withdrawal has been messy at times but I know the only way to get over this is through it with faith,endurance and courage.
The best advice I got was detach completely-commit to grieving the relationship and then move on... .
Find yourself a safe place to be and look after yourself. Reach out to friends and stay close to this forum.
Take care
Blessin's
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talithacumi
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Re: Dreading long weekend - BPDso keeps calling - HELP ME get my mind off
«
Reply #4 on:
May 24, 2014, 12:32:16 PM »
Quote from: dreamofstars on May 24, 2014, 08:38:08 AM
... . i just keeping thinking, what if this is the time he is for real, I wouldnt want to miss the chance to have things back the normal and maybe even better... .
Things being what they were depended on you trusting him: believing the lies you now know he told, and being completely ignorant of what he was really saying/doing behind your back.
You can't "unknow" those things, and knowing them does effect/change the way you feel about both him, and the relationship/life you've shared with him.
You need time without any pressure from him to figure out what those changes mean in terms of both your interest and ability to have a relationship with him at this point.
Take it.
Block his number. Set your email controls to automatically forward any messages from him to a new address created just for this purpose and delete them from your inbox altogether - then close your eyes and randomly type in a new password for your new address so you can't access it in a moment of weakness/worry.
Send him one last message - by text or email - to tell him you're taking however long you think you need/want to figure out how you feel. Make it short, simple, and non-accusatory - look at the workshops on both SET and DEARMAN for examples - and focus on the potential benefits to HIM of you not having contact with each other for a while.
You don't mention how old your kids are, so I'm not sure if visitation is an issue or not - but, if it is, you might want to consider finding someone who's willing to handle the tradeoff for you so that doesn't become a time/place for both of you to continue flailing at each other.
It doesn't have to be forever, but you do need to give yourself some time to figure out how you feel, what it means to you, and where you want to go from here. 20 year relationship, kids, home, family. All really important stuff that not only involves you, but also defines who/what you are in many ways. All stuff whose future is truly deserving of your full concentration, free of as many outside distractions as you can possibly give it ... . and, let's face it, he and all the impulse calls/texts/reaching out to you for the assurance he needs/wants in order to deal with all of his very conflicted/dysregulated feelings right now is a MAJOR distraction for you.
You owe it to yourself, your kids, AND him to take as much time as necessary so everyone feels as safe/comfortable as they can again.
Best of luck. Stay strong. It can, and will get better.
- TC
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corraline
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 782
Re: Dreading long weekend - BPDso keeps calling - HELP ME get my mind off
«
Reply #5 on:
May 24, 2014, 01:31:29 PM »
I agree with talithacumi here. I am not where you are right now but i have been in similar situation to yours.
I was invited to things and i also felt awkward and didn't want to be around children when i felt like this , i didn't want them to see the negative emotions i was feeling and didn't feel well enough to pretend that everything was ok. So i stayed home and took care of me , made a list of feel good stuff (hard to do when you feel like crap, i know ) and did some of them. Read, watched some series on netflix, tried not to watch anything that triggered me. Planted some flowers, read some books, anything that put the focus on my own well being. I also reached out to close friends that i could trust and spent alot of time here. I knew that reaching out to him or responding to his contact was
not
good for me at that time . I set an intention and that was to take good care of myself.
As talithacumi points out.
You owe it to yourself, your kids, AND him to take as much time as necessary so everyone feels as safe/comfortable as they can again.
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mywifecrazy
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Picking myself off the canvas for the last time!
Re: Dreading long weekend - BPDso keeps calling - HELP ME get my mind off
«
Reply #6 on:
May 24, 2014, 01:49:13 PM »
Quote from: dreamofstars on May 24, 2014, 10:41:18 AM
FUTILE! We've been together 20 years, and he was basically living a double life, which just came to light in the past several months. That is how trusting I was, that I let it go on so long. I am starting therapy next week... .
Yes I was with my uBPDxw for 20yrs. And SHE was living that same double life until father day last year when GOD decided it was TIME for me to SEE THE LIGHT when I caught her in bed with my neighbor friend. And like you I was TRUSTING for 20yrs and felt like an IDIOT. I even asked what would have happened if I didn't catch her. She said she would have kept on living that double life.
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The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18, 19)
Infared
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Re: BPDso keeps calling...
«
Reply #7 on:
May 24, 2014, 02:31:05 PM »
Wow... . a lot of great things have been said on this page... . as I am reading everything I just keep going back to how stupid I feel for having my trust forsaken. The hardest part is coming to terms with the fact that I was trusting, honest and faithful (but I wasn't perfect, none of us are)... and... . I felt that I had the most important things covered and then to find out that I was living with a person who was betraying me. In one regard I love myself for being that guy and I just need to forgive myself for not knowing. Tough stuff. It has been years and since my ex ran off and she has never acknowledged what she did, let alone apologized or made amends for it... . I find it impossible to forgive her. I have had a hard enough time trying to just accept who she really is/was. I find it to be so twisted to miss someone so much who treated me in such a vile way... . part of me hates her and part of me loves her... . and I just have such a hard time living with that.
I have to have no contact, as I am very deep with my feelings... . and she has attempted to talk to me as if none of this ever even took place. She thinks our relationship (even though she married the other guy, I think), should be just the way it was if she runs into me, without ever discussing her lies and the way she and my replacement would go out of their way to attempt to emotionally abuse me in public. I cannot wrap my head around how she just wants to walk up to me (if she is alone) when she sees me out and have a chat. Like the rules are all different and she is someone else if she is alone. People with that disease have no awareness as to how their actions and words effect other people. There is no awareness, remorse or empathy.
All of this is not easy to truly understand, let alone forgive myself and her... . but I keep trying.
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willy45
Formerly "johnnyorganic", "rjh45", "SurferDude"
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Re: BPDso keeps calling...
«
Reply #8 on:
May 24, 2014, 07:14:53 PM »
Ditto! It is so strange that all these stories are so similar. Strangely comforting though to see this as a pattern of behavior. My ex constantly contacts me to get her 'best friend' back but is completely unwilling to talk about the past, unless of course it suits her as a way to bash and hurt me.
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Infared
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Re: BPDso keeps calling...
«
Reply #9 on:
May 24, 2014, 07:32:02 PM »
Thanks for that Willy... . I like coming here because it soothes my mind that I can get some validation from those who have suffered through this gauntlet. Sometimes I think I am crazy and that I got it all wrong and that that couldn't possibly have happened the way I perceived it... . but you all let me know that I got it right.
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mywifecrazy
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Re: BPDso keeps calling...
«
Reply #10 on:
May 24, 2014, 10:27:41 PM »
Quote from: Infared on May 24, 2014, 02:31:05 PM
as I am reading everything I just keep going back to how stupid I feel for having my trust forsaken. The hardest part is coming to terms with the fact that I was trusting, honest and faithful (but I wasn't perfect, none of us are)... and... . I felt that I had the most important things covered and then to find out that I was living with a person who was betraying me.
I can relate. It's MIND BOGGLING as now I look back at my 20yrs with my uBPDxw and wonder what was REAL and what was part of her lies and clever deceptions.
Quote from: Infared on May 24, 2014, 02:31:05 PM
It has been years and since my ex ran off and she has never acknowledged what she did, let alone apologized or made amends for it... . I find it impossible to forgive her. I have had a hard enough time trying to just accept who she really is/was.
I'm still trying to figure out who she TRUELY is and was. I guess that's what I've learned on here still is no true identity with them (pwBPD). It's very hard to GRASP that. As mad as I am for ALL her lies, manipulations, cheating, etc. I wouldn't want to be her. What a horrible existence.
Quote from: Infared on May 24, 2014, 02:31:05 PM
she has attempted to talk to me as if none of this ever even took place. She thinks our relationship (even though she married the other guy, I think), should be just the way it was.
That's another WEIRD aspect of their behavior. My X does the same thing. I had to TRY to explain to her why I have no desire to see her, talk to her in person or on the phone. I had to explain that I don't converse with people who,treat me like crap and abandons her kids so she can jump in bed with my neighbor friend across the street. She STILL doesn't get it. NEVER WILL!
Quote from: Infared on May 24, 2014, 02:31:05 PM
I cannot wrap my head around how she just wants to walk up to me (if she is alone) when she sees me out and have a chat. Like the rules are all different and she is someone else if she is alone. People with that disease have no awareness
Yes yes yes. God it's so easy to,see them for who there are now that I'm out of the FOG. When she is (alone as you say) she is someone totally different. When she is around me she really puts on the sad puppy eyes VICTIM routine. No doubt playing on my sympathies. God I was so UNHEALTHY when I fell for that and played my RESCUER roll. She always makes me feel like her father!
Quote from: Infared on May 24, 2014, 02:31:05 PM
All of this is not easy to truly understand, let alone forgive myself and her... . but I keep trying.
You say it well. It IS so hard to forgive amidst all the CRAZINESS!
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The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18, 19)
Infared
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Re: BPDso keeps calling...
«
Reply #11 on:
May 24, 2014, 10:41:49 PM »
MWC
Yes... yes... . my pwBPD PLAYED VICTIM ALL THE TIME... . even when I found out she left me to be with someone she was already with, she was lying to everyone she knows. EVERYONE. Even her own therapist... . and then she would put on this victim act. She is no victim. When she was young and cute it was VERY effective... . but now that she is older, that just doesn't play as well... . she starts to look crazy.
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dreamofstars
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Re: BPDso keeps calling...
«
Reply #12 on:
May 25, 2014, 01:11:08 AM »
I am soo appreciative of you all sharing your stories. Yes, I do feel totally stupid for trusting him and letting it go on for so long, but I refuse to blame myself especially when it comes to dealing with such a sick and conniving person.
Sticking to NC has been a struggle, but worth the peace. No angry, futile arguments, no re-living the past. It has been especially aggravating when he twists things around and acts like the victim. He acts like I am making him suffer when I don't take his calls, when I won't see him or answer the door. He leaves angry VMs about why I don't answer the phone! The nerve!
I have told him several times its over, I have already filed for divorce, he has the nerve to tell me that I am a quitter! Oh no, it has nothing to do with the fact that he has been sleeping around for years and living a double life with a second family on the side!
This forum is great, because my friends don't really understand, yes they are supportive and sympathetic, but it is so great to hear from people who actually have similar experiences dealing with BPD. I know I am not the crazy one!
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NewMom
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Relationship status: married, living apart
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Re: BPDso keeps calling...
«
Reply #13 on:
May 25, 2014, 02:10:08 AM »
When I read your post all I could think is: HOW do they all find the exact same words? It's like they all have some kind of booklet where they read their lines. My dBPDh left me after 18 yrs during my pregnancy with our first (and only) daughter. He moved in with another woman who didn't care what I was going through. During this entire time he would flirt (!) with me, kiss me, call me names, say I ruined his life, would love to work things out together, needs to be single for a while, say I am the love of his life, no one else is as perfect as I am, I was always too self-centered, didn't love him enough,... .
I thought I was going crazy.
At some level it's "nice" to know that we all are hearing the same things. At another level the question arises: What the heck? How could we ALL have put up with this for SO LONG and IGNORED the signs?
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mywifecrazy
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Re: BPDso keeps calling...
«
Reply #14 on:
May 25, 2014, 06:13:24 AM »
Quote from: NewMom on May 25, 2014, 02:10:08 AM
What the heck? How could we ALL have put up with this for SO LONG and IGNORED the signs?
Don't beat yourself up about this. I struggled with this too. I looked back at my 20 years now and wonder why the hell didn't I see her for who she was. The fact is that we were loving, caring, and loyal to our commitment to our relationships. I would have never thought in 1 million years that there were people like this who were just so sick!
The key for us now is to get healthy and to never go into another relationship thinking we can rescue somebody. The only people we can rescue and make happy is ourselves! I will never again get into a relationship with someone who is unhappy with themselves and has issues that they never dealt with. I will only be with someone who is happy with who she is and does not need someone else to make her happy.
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The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18, 19)
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