Taking responsibility

[thicker skin]

Hi all,

Where do we draw the line between taking responsibility and blame? My partner can't hear me voice an issue, without saying that he is not responsible for my feelings and it is nothing to do with him. I must take responsibility and stop blaming him. I can't have a basic human need, without it being a narcissistic demand.

He is currently very angry that we have next to no intimacy in our relationship. I am a very good communicator, but after so much anger, rejection and instant dismissal if I quietly take a problem to him, I've learned not to. When he used to ask me what my problem was, I'd tell him and he'd show me the door. There was no empathy, understanding or reasoning.

As far as sex goes, it's almost never now. I could not function properly after being accused so viciously of hiding my secret sexual exploits. I tried so many times to explain what his words and thoughts did to me, but he just felt abused by me, saying he is not responsible for my feelings and I wasn't meeting his needs. He thinks I'm withholding to punish him. I'm not. I miss very much the way we used to make love. I miss human touch.

How far should we go to be responsible for our own feelings? I've tried to explain that as a woman, I need to feel loved, respected and trusted before I can give myself in that way. He feels manipulated, like I'm refusing to play ball unless I get what I want.

[hergestridge]

In a way? staying in a relationship where you are not loved, respected and trusted is a kind of punishment. It's sabotage basically. You *are* not meeting his needs, and what are the chances that is going to change anytime soon? Are you just on strike because you won't accept how far removed reality is from your ideals?

Perhaps the notion that you deserve to be treated a certain way is idealistic? I recognize your problem so well. But from a male perspective. Let me tell me it's not just a lady who needs to be treated right. I don't feel like it amymore either.

[hergestridge]

I this what I was trying to say, in short:

I think it's wise for you to take full responsibility for not sleeping with him, because you have a perfectly good reason.

"You make me not sleep with you" is BPD thinking. It's easy to see why your partner sees this as you putting the blame on him. Likewise, any form of "As a lady I need to... . " reasoning has a fair share of entitlement to it, which your partner will react negatively to.

[Tolou]

His words and thoughts, are words and thoughts.  That doesn't make them a fact or reality, or any easier to stomach if they were or were not true.

Maybe instead of thinking someone else needs to take responsibility or stop blaming, it is us who need to be responsible for our own behaviors, reactions, and thoughts.

If this person is truely BPD? do expect that they even understand as an adult, the rationality of being responsible for our actions and words and they effect another person, is that realistic?  To expect someone who is disordered to think like someone who is not, just because we've explained it and "communicated" a thousand ways and they still don't get it, but we want and expect them to?

I feel for your situation, it is difficult for both parties, intimact, even just the touch of another is essential, and when those things are absent it is easier to assume, the very things we are being accused of, because if you loved me... . but that's part of the things that you will deal with when Choosing to stay in this type of relationship. You can only be responsible for you and the 50% that you put into a relationship, can't be responsible for his half, and yours.  Communication is usually one of the key breakdowns when relationships go sour, and if you believe that you are communicating well, it obviously is not working.  Maybe relighting an old flame, will never shine as bright when it was first lit.  BUt if thats what you want, I wish you the best of luck, maybe couples counseling can help?

[thicker skin]

I hear you H,

I do take responsibility for the lack of intimacy. I have acknowledged that it's not healthy or productive. Explaining why is me blaming him and things get heated very quickly.

I suppose if we were to repair the damage that causes the lack, we'd both need to be able to communicate safely, with respect. I come unstuck there. I can accept his feelings, mine are seen as judging and attacking him.

It feels that in all corners of our life, he is negative and destructive, then feels abused when he gets the natural repercussions of his actions. Seeing his part is not in his make up. I live with a little boy who is very sensitive and reactive, but lacks the skills to empathise with others feelings.

[OutOfEgypt]

I've tried to explain that as a woman, I need to feel loved, respected and trusted before I can give myself in that way.

That goes for men, too.  I used to think I was a "wimp" or "not manly" because I didn't want to have sex with a person who made me feel SO terrible about it (and about myself).  I was blamed terribly for our sexual problems.  I can see how I had my own issues, but they were definitely fueled and fed by her treatment of me.  I was made to feel like I was too sensitive, but how do you explain to someone like this that you feel like you are just a tool for their use, that in spite of what their words say (how much they do care and respect you), that their attitude and actions speak something else very loudly?  They can't hear it.

With a BPD, any feeling that shows hesitation or resistance to their whirlwind blackhole of demand is seen as an attack or a grave insult, even abuse.  You really just have to stick to your own perceptions.  Even if only unconsciously driven, they are masterful at getting you to constantly doubt and second-guess your own perceptions.   The message is constantly "your reality is wrong.  mine is right, and if you don't take on my reality there are dire consequences".

[thicker skin]

OutofEgypt... .

Your last sentence summed it up perfectly.

Bang on target