doubts

[antjs]

i have been in NC for 2 months now. I do not know why i am still doubting her sickness. My therapist told me on the first session that she has BPD. A lot of members here always replied to me "dude of course she is showing a lot of BPD traits." I do not know why i do not want to believe so. she is the one who initiated NC. i chased, begged and enabled her for some time. The relationship was obviously (like the sun in the noon) abusive. I do not know why she makes me feel that it is better for her that i am out of her life though she has the miserable life not me. she even told me during the relationship "I am a miserable woman. i do not want you to get involved in this miserable life of mine." her not contacting me at all (i even saw her once by coincidence and we acted like strangers) and as if i did not exist ever plays with my mind. How can she be so sure and consistent of that decision (to cut me off) when she has BPD ?

[arjay]

Greetings.  Maybe my experiences will shed some light on yours.  A few months after my uBPDgf moved in (we eventually married), she insisted we "sage the house", and one night talked about her having her own place as a "safety net".  This was long before things deteriorated and the relationship becoming seriously dysfunctional.  I was initially stunned by her suggestion of "two places", but looking back I now realize she was not "trusting herself" and the "desire to sage" was likely her way of trying to deal with her own demons.  Likely she was "projecting them as external demons", when in reality she was not trusting herself.

Even though she never admitted that she suffered from thoughts and emotions which were unhealthy and needed to be addressed (actually she did eventually get some help), her way of dealing with it, was to externalize it.  In other words she couldn't or wouldn't admit to herself that she was contributory to the chaos, she acknowledged there were "demons" that she feared would make themselves known in our relationship.

I don't know if your 'ex' is simply being more open and recognizing she is "no good for you"; that this has been a pattern and that she needs to simply be away from you.  It was a shock to me how quickly my 'ex' was able to ultimately refocus her emotions and her life on herself and jettison our eventual marriage.  Looking back again however, the kindest thing she ever did for me was letting me go.  It was my job to respect that decision by going NC for good, something I have honored (seven years).

Peace to you

[antjs]

Greetings.  Maybe my experiences will shed some light on yours.  A few months after my uBPDgf moved in (we eventually married), she insisted we "sage the house", and one night talked about her having her own place as a "safety net".  This was long before things deteriorated and the relationship becoming seriously dysfunctional.  I was initially stunned by her suggestion of "two places", but looking back I now realize she was not "trusting herself" and the "desire to sage" was likely her way of trying to deal with her own demons.  Likely she was "projecting them as external demons", when in reality she was not trusting herself.

Even though she never admitted that she suffered from thoughts and emotions which were unhealthy and needed to be addressed (actually she did eventually get some help), her way of dealing with it, was to externalize it.  In other words she couldn't or wouldn't admit to herself that she was contributory to the chaos, she acknowledged there were "demons" that she feared would make themselves known in our relationship.

I don't know if your 'ex' is simply being more open and recognizing she is "no good for you"; that this has been a pattern and that she needs to simply be away from you.  It was a shock to me how quickly my 'ex' was able to ultimately refocus her emotions and her life on herself and jettison our eventual marriage.  Looking back again however, the kindest thing she ever did for me was letting me go.  It was my job to respect that decision by going NC for good, something I have honored (seven years).

Peace to you

apart from BPD. we have different circumstances. she is of different religion, age and circumstances (long history of failed relationship, failed marriage and 2 abortions. i was ready to accept these things if she turned out to be a good partner. i have let her know this. also i was travelling soon to start working in a new country. i thought that the relationship went very fast and i accept it cause she might have been more direct and straight forward after her past. i also thought that her values had changed [she convinced me so during the idealization phase]). on one night, she initiated drama while we were having a good night drinking with a friend. she victimized herself when i raged (cause she suddenly took off my friend's tshirt jokingly testing my jealousy as she claimed) and started crying and talked to my friend and told him that she has a miserable life and she does not want me involved in this. but i dont think she is that honest. maybe she knows that there is something wrong with her specially when it comes to relationships but there was abuse, gas lighting, Triangulation, belittling comments. i broke up with her and she attempted a successful recycle next day luring me back with sex after our discussion failed. if she is that honest she would have not abused me. she discarded me and traveled three days later without bating an eye on what i feel.

[antjs]

she was also playing mind games. one night stating that we can not be together. next night while i was breaking up with her i told her that anyway our relationship is ending soon as you said and even the remaining 20 days will not be good due to your emotional roller coaster with me. she replied "i said i am travelling but u will not be with me physically only." next day, when she was talking to me and attempted a recycle i said "this discussion is going no where. what do you want?" she said "i give you the choice either to walk away now or continue these 20 days together." i was in my mind like ___ ! one day we can not be together the next day while breaking up with her she said we are not gonna be together only physically and it is temporary and a day later only we can enjoy these 20 days. i did not answer and then she seduced me just to continue entertaining herself for the remaining 20 days till she travels.

[arjay]

How can she be so sure and consistent of that decision (to cut me off) when she has BPD ?

maybe she knows that there is something wrong with her specially when it comes to relationships but there was abuse, gas lighting, Triangulation, belittling comments.

Why/how she was able to simply move (cut you off as you said) and not even acknowledge you? (she acted like a stranger you said when you crossed paths)  Wasn't that your original question? 

Peace

[antjs]

How can she be so sure and consistent of that decision (to cut me off) when she has BPD ?

maybe she knows that there is something wrong with her specially when it comes to relationships but there was abuse, gas lighting, Triangulation, belittling comments.

Why/how she was able to simply move (cut you off as you said) and not even acknowledge you? (she acted like a stranger you said when you crossed paths)  Wasn't that your original question? 

Peace

my question is: are these common behaviours of a BPD after a break up ? her way of being so sure of what she is doing is making me doubtful.

[arjay]

my question is: are these common behaviours of a BPD after a break up ? her way of being so sure of what she is doing is making me doubtful.

Each situation "is" a bit different "and" BPD diagnosis doesn't necessarily mean they all deal with the "ending of a relationship" the same way.  I was trying to offer to you that my "ex" generally behaved the same way (hence the similarity with your break-up).  She did contact me a few times, but that was during her periods of deep insecurity.  Generally speaking, once she left, I was painted black, there was little contact and she essentially moved on.  I realized it was my responsibility to simply accept that decision and do what I could to move on myself.

Peace

[jibber]

I believe it depends on the individual and their situation.

Is it possible that her shame towards you is so big, that she will prefer to stay NC even if she would want to contact you?

The first time i split up with my ex was for two months last summer. In this time she didn't contact me anymore. I was split black and she tried to move on. I wrote her after a few weeks NC that i miss her, which initiated her coming back again (and then telling me about the pregnancy when i didn't want to try again). She was with another guy already. She told me how hard it was to deal with my text messages while she was together with the other guy. She told me he slept at her place a few times (which later was denied she ever said it, and she would have only had a drink with him two times). If i wouldn't have contacted her in this time, she would probably still be with this guy, or another one... .

I think she keeps coming back at the moment because she can't find another replacement for me. I know once she finds a new guy, i will be dead to her.

In the end... . does it matter if she is BPD?

I can understand somehow that you secretly wish she would contact you. Not to recycle, but it kind of gives a little validation, is it this? For me, when my ex showed up at my door this weekend... . in some way it helped me a little... . to know she is still missing me, that i am not completely dead to her yet... . but that made me feel better just for a few minutes. Trust me, it doesn't really help to feel better when they keep coming back.

So how do you think it would change the situation or help you, if she would contact you again?

If she didn't have BPD, would you want her to come back?

I would try to look at the relationship without the BPD label. BPD or not, it was still an unhealthy relationship, right?

It was funny, this weekend when i left to see a friend... . when we were sitting at the river, there was a guy and his wife not far away from us... . they were verbally fighting about something, yelling, walking away from each other... . she sounded very belitteling, he looked sad, both of them looked frustrated. I had to smile for a second, and said to my friend: "It helps to listen to them fighting, reminds me why i should be happy i'm not in this relationship anymore."

Remember the negative aspects Antony, maybe it's a blessing she doesn't contact you? 

[Ihope2]

Antony_james, why do you so desperately want and need this woman in your life?  What is it about her that makes you crave her so?

Why is it that this intensity and drama and chaos speaks to you and makes you feel alive?

I read something so wise over the weekend in one of Charles M. Whitfield's books (he writes about healing the inner child):  emotional intensity is not = emotional intimacy.  Drama and chaos is intense, and makes us feel something. But it is not safe and comfortable and secure. Emotional intimacy is based on deep feelings and sharing deep things, but it is based on mutual sharing, trust and mature love.

What is it about us that we crave the intensity and confuse it with intimacy?

Is it that we have grown up being very emotionally neglected.  Or else, we grew up with lots of drama and chaos and this is all we are used to when it comes to a relationship?