Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
September 28, 2024, 03:29:07 AM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Things we can't ignore
What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship
Why We Struggle in Our Relationships
Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?
Codependency and Codependent Relationships
93
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
> Topic:
Question for anyone/everyone...
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: Question for anyone/everyone... (Read 509 times)
LoveLove
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 95
Question for anyone/everyone...
«
on:
May 30, 2014, 02:28:45 PM »
How did you all notice that your SO has BPD? What were the signs?
I have read it may show up later in life, sometimes early, and sometimes it completely goes away (if they can have a strong control over it).
Thoughts... .
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.
maxsterling
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: living together, engaged
Posts: 2772
Re: Question for anyone/everyone...
«
Reply #1 on:
May 30, 2014, 02:50:00 PM »
My GF was diagnosed BPD as a teenager or early 20s. I met her when she was 37, and she said she struggled with depression but made it sound like that was in her past. A month or two later, she was screaming at me for no reason that I could understand. A simple misunderstanding and she went from 0 to 10 in less than a second. I started going to a T, and within 30 minutes of my first session, my T reached to her book case and pulled out a book titled "I hate you don't leave me". A few weeks later my GF revealed that she had been diagnosed BPD.
I'm not sure when she was first diagnosed, but I think it was during a period of lengthy hospitalization when she was about 15, after a period of cutting and intense drug use.
Logged
LoveLove
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 95
Re: Question for anyone/everyone...
«
Reply #2 on:
May 30, 2014, 02:55:23 PM »
Thank you for sharing. Yes, it seems as though they say they are depressed, and what they are going through is due to past experiences (and I do believe abuse, other issues in one's past will trigger and 'create' BPD)... . however, I find that they'll make up reasons in their mind as a way to explain why they are the way they are now... .
And yes, one minute they're happy, and another you can actually SEE evil/anger in their eyes. Very odd... . and then a few second later, they will be happy again.
I've read about those with BPD who are more functional than other BPD patients... . so there is a range and therapy may work for one and not work for another... .
Logged
arjay
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2566
We create our own reality.
Re: Question for anyone/everyone...
«
Reply #3 on:
May 30, 2014, 08:34:58 PM »
Quote from: LoveLove on May 30, 2014, 02:28:45 PM
How did you all notice that your SO has BPD? What were the signs?
My dBPDxw raged often. It seemed "somebody" had to be the recipient. Sadly most of it was towards me.
Other signs/symptoms:
Abandonment issues - if I was gone too long at work she would rage
Dissociation - her eyes would get dark and she became somebody else
Self-Medicating - she would drink a lot initially, but did get it under control over time
Abusive - would threaten me with the police
Isolating - caused so many problems with family they wanted no part of her. She totally isolated me
Blaming - It was always my fault
Black/White thinking - no middle ground. She was either happy or horribly mean
Logged
LoveLove
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 95
Re: Question for anyone/everyone...
«
Reply #4 on:
May 30, 2014, 08:53:19 PM »
Arjay,
Wow... . what you listed sounds so familiar. I never experienced any rage though. There was never any yelling/screaming/tantrums. And I only experienced his turning a 180 and becoming depressed a few weeks ago. The dissociation - yes! I saw that twice, where the eyes become dark (creepy) and you can tell there is an inner demon - very angry/hurt look. I can't explain it - but I thought I was just seeing things.
Drinking... . I noticed it when we took a day trip. He had drink after drink... . I didn't think too much of it then... . but now... . hm... .
Not abusive. But as far as isolating - he said that he was always busy and was never able to really spend time with family - although he did say he would go to his siblings or parents' homes on weekends. Hm... .
Blaming - he told me that I was the one who was controlling/defensive - when in fact it was him.
And yes, either very nice or completely cold. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde... .
Did you experience lying or the person wanting complete attention in any fashion?
Logged
arjay
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2566
We create our own reality.
Re: Question for anyone/everyone...
«
Reply #5 on:
May 30, 2014, 08:59:39 PM »
Quote from: LoveLove on May 30, 2014, 08:53:19 PM
Did you experience lying or the person wanting complete attention in any fashion?
I believed everything she said until the end. The day she left I told her "I don't believe anything you ever told me all the years we were together". She just looked at me with a blank stare and didn't say a word. To this day I really don't know how much of what she told me was the truth and how much were lies, including her ex-husband, her family and her children... .
Complete attention? Ah yes to the extreme. She belittled me when we all went to get a pet bird and I had my 8 y/o daughter name it. She went on for days about "you put your daugher first"... .
Logged
Leap
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 30
Re: Question for anyone/everyone...
«
Reply #6 on:
May 30, 2014, 09:05:13 PM »
My current BPDw was also diagnosed as a teen (16) and the diagnosis was re-affirmed as an adult (26). She was also hospitalized as a teen and in both instances a traumatic time in her life is what led to her getting help. Ironically, she is now 37 and we have been married for 11 1/2 yrs. So I can identify with you. My advice to you would be to educate yourself as thoroughly as you can about this illness. When I found out my wife was BPD, there wasn't as much solid information out there then as there is now. The book you mentioned "I Hate You Don't Leave Me", I am currently reading. Another good book is by Valerie Porr, M.A. "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder, A Family Guide for Healing and Change". Both of these books have a lot of good, solid information that will help you to better understand BPD and if you plan on having a relationship that doesn't fail, isn't miserable, isn't full anger and resentment, you'll want to read them and any other information (including your T's) you can get your hands on. As for why she didn't mention it at first, it isn't something most people with BPD are proud of (if they even acknowledge it). She must have some level of trust with you to tell you that she is BPD. And keep in mind it is an illness. Try not to judge or take things too personally. I would imagine she has had a good deal of trauma somewhere in her past, either through her own actions or the actions of others. It seems to be a standard part of the illness. Her mood swings are another. It is normal to BPD. I also suggest educating yourself because it sounds like you don't have a lot of time and emotion invested (if I am wrong please correct me). They are the most loving and the most hating sometimes. You need to know what you're getting into before you get too deep. There is also a great article on this site you might want to check out, article 1 "How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves". I would suggest reading it, re-read it and then read it again. In my own experience it is very accurate. I say these things to you not to scare you off of her. My guess is she is also a very wonderful, giving, smart person. But the dark side is there too, which it sounds like you have already gotten a taste of. Both sides you need to be very aware of to save yourself a lot of pain and misery, in addition to joy and love. If she isn't in therapy I would really stop and think if you want to pursue your relationship further. And please keep this in mind, YOU CANNOT FIX HER, no matter how much you try or want to. I learned that through hard experience in my own relationship. It gets to a point where no matter what you do it won't satisfy her. You will want to, you will try to and you will fail. If she is in treatment or is willing to go you stand a much greater chance of having a happy relationship. I liken it to my own alcoholism. It is a lifelong endeavor to stay well and healthy and in recovery, taken one day at a time. Some rehab programs (the one my stepson was in for instance) actually use DBT techniques to treat addiction. Because it is like an addiction and DBT has a lot of the same characteristics as a twelve step program (which is why aa has been around so long, it works if your work it). I hope I have not overwhelmed you here, that was not my intention. But part of my own recovery is to, as we like to say in aa, carry the message to others, so that they don't have to suffer as we have. Good luck and God's speed. Faith, Hope and Love.
Logged
LoveLove
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 95
Re: Question for anyone/everyone...
«
Reply #7 on:
May 30, 2014, 09:18:25 PM »
Thank you for everyone for sharing... . it's very helpful.
As far as them wanting attention - yes they seem to always want to be the CENTER of attention. Even if you feel you are giving them 100% of your attention, it's never enough. I don't understand it exactly... . almost to the point of making a scene in public... . hm... .
And as far as therapy - luckily my ex chose to get help himself, because he wanted to "find a better path to get on" with me... . although I don't know if he'll actually return and I can't say that 100% he has BPD (but signs here point to him having it)... . now I'm not certain if I'll be able to "handle" it. I mean validating itself seems to be a whole new language on its own... . and my ex is one of the high functioning ones... . and I know therapy is different for each person - but his therapist has placed him in a 12 week intense program - where he talks/sees her twice a week or more - 2 hours per session... . I can only hope that he actually gets the help that he needs IF the therapist has diagnosed him with BPD... .
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
> Topic:
Question for anyone/everyone...
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...