having doubts about NC

[Lion Fire]

I have had complete NC with my DBPDexgf for 12 days now and it's been tough but also healing.

Her father died 3 weeks ago and we had LC for a week after that. I found the LC was disturbing and impeding my grief and healing process. She wasn't hostile but I found her very needy (which is understandable under the circumstances) and she would ask me to come to back to her in London. In other exchanges she was smug and completely detached which also pushed my buttons... . she always pushes my buttons somehow ! My emotions would be pulled to and fro and I felt awful afterwards.

I then decided to block every avenue of contact and have held this since 16 May.

Today, I have been thinking about her and genuinely sympathising with her situation. I have great empathy and compassion and know what the loss of a loved one feels like. I wondered how she was doing and have really felt like reaching out to see how she is and send good wishes and love. The funeral is sometime this week and I know how heartbreaking this can be.

Put it this way, if she had not experienced this great loss, I would have no doubt about my decision in light of the mayhem and hurt she brought onto my world.

So far, I've stopped myself but I feel really sad. I see the humanity in all of this, especially in her, and that has disarmed me today.

I'm not sure if this a common weak moment or I'm way off track?

Does anyone have any thoughts or have experienced a situation similar to this?

[Cardinals in Flight]

I understand how you feel.  But? In light of how antsy you were with LC, I'd say to keep NC.  WHY? Because further contact could hurt both of you, and taking care of you is paramount.  If, and I stress IF, she wants you for something, she will reach out.  Otherwise I'd march onward my friend.  Contact = pain

My two cents.

CiF

[Lion Fire]

further contact could hurt both of you, and taking care of you is paramount. 

I hear you CIF. I have to do what is right for me and contact with her is not right for me. This is a new way of living and thinking for me with her... . it became all about what was right for her as things progressed and that almost ruined me.

Thank you for the reminder... . onwards

[Split black]

further contact could hurt both of you, and taking care of you is paramount. 

I hear you CIF. I have to do what is right for me and contact with her is not right for me. This is a new way of living and thinking for me with her... . it became all about what was right for her as things progressed and that almost ruined me.

Thank you for the reminder... . onwards

I can tell you that at 12 days I felt like I was on acid. It took me 4 or 5 recycles and her to launch a devaluation campaign, within a relationship that was just short of a year this June... . that campaign just about ruined my reputation locally. And then she contacted me a short time after with a business proposal ( I ignored) and then asking me if I was still alive a week later... . Still NC from me.  Its been about a month since those texts... . no doubt wondering if I would attack her back... .   They just do not care on any kind of reasonable level. You are used, and abused... . and discarded... . and if they think they need you or they are out of exes to contact... . sure... you might get a text. Don't do it.

My first two months NC... I broke it... and paid the price. Its been almost another month. Fog has lifted.

Lying,cheating, stealing, ... .   the sex, crumbs after a while, just wasn't worth the crap I had to deal with.

NC... . hard to do, but if you dont want to have your life dictated by an inconsistent lying flake... . I would strongly suggest not allow yourself to be recycled. Once your split black... . you just have to detach and stop suffering.

[seeking balance]

I have to do what is right for me and contact with her is not right for me. This is a new way of living and thinking for me with her... . it became all about what was right for her as things progressed and that almost ruined me.

With her father dying, I honestly do not think it is reasonable to expect anything from her - BPD or not (sorry if that is harsh).

If you are capable of being a sympathetic friend with absolutely no expectations - then contact her.  But contacting her only to disappear again if you cannot handle her... . well being her... . seems a little unfair under the circumstances.

If you feel the need to send condolences, there is nothing wrong with sending a simple card to her, but calling or emailing her and expecting anything whatsoever is highly unlikely.

I know it is sad to be in the background during this time as you are likely used to being her rock - letting go is really hard.

Peace,

SB

[AwakenedOne]

Hi LF,

Maybe she is actually stronger than your giving her credit for being?

Didn't she also lie about her father being on life support and forbid you from talking to him during his last days?

Sure you'd be giving her a shoulder to cry on which is good, but might want to ask yourself this -> Does she respect you? Does she show that respect? Can she get the support from her family instead?

Do what you think is best is my advice, just some things to think about though.

Peace,

AO