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patientandclear
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« Reply #1 on: May 30, 2014, 02:52:01 AM » |
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LoveLove: sending you a private message also.
Effective therapy for attachment issues and particularly for BPD is a much, much longer process than anything that can be accomplished in 12 weeks.
To get a sense of the severity of the relationship challenges this man is likely facing if he has BPD, you might read The Buddha and the Borderline -- written by a woman diagnosed with BPD who undertakes a protracted, committed effort to "get better." She does DBT, one of the state of the art therapeutic approaches for BPD, for years; is a committed Buddhist practitioner; and ... . it is very very hard for her to get around the corner on the emotional snares and traps that BPD sets.
I read your other posts and I have to say I lived through almost exactly your story. Brief intense r/s, though I'd known my ex for a long time in a work context. He too told me he'd had a long term r/s of 10 years with a woman who was an abusive alcoholic. From snippets of other stories I concluded he'd dated about 3 women since then. Just like your guy.
Just like yours, the man I was with suddenly drew back as if in a panic. He didn't admit to feeling trapped but after reviewing events and learning more about BPD I am certain he did feel trapped. Like your guy, he was the one who had initiated all these conversations about going through time together and so on. Anyway, he broke things off and then like yours, started therapy. Like your guy, mine reported that his T wanted him to suspend the r/s (this came up when we connected and discussed getting back together -- his idea). Like you, I told him I'd be there later on if he decided he wanted to be with me and had insight into why he'd pulled away and how that wouldn't happen again. I had the impression he was doing therapy for me or for us, to save the r/s, figure out what went wrong with it.
Three years later almost, I've learned a lot that casts all this in a different light.
My ex was extremely deceptive about his romantic past. The 10 year r/s was punctuated by at least 10 breakups, and he dated a new woman each time. (Imagine the agony of the long term gf.) From the accounts of mutual friends, the gf is a great person and his accounts of emotional abuse seem to be projection. He seems to have nearly destroyed her.
He also has had many many short r/s, and he always leaves brutally and abruptly. I knew several of these women, and even asked him about the nature of his r/s with them when their names came up in conversations in odd moments (women I had no idea he was close to at all). He'd explain that they were friends. No disclosure that he professed to be head over heels in love with each of them and wrecked their hearts when he suddenly changed his mind. When he told me he'd always been looking for me and had been willing to be alone till he found me, what he really meant was "I was willing to break up with all those other women until I met you and now I know why I did that!"
Finally ... . after I gave him space to not be in any r/s per his T's supposed advice, and he was doing therapy, we were still in touch but not dating. I thought it was this intense special quasi-partnership thing while he was working on his intimacy issues. After all, I was the love of his life. He'd told me so so recently ... . One day about 6 weeks post breakup, he sent me something by email to review. When I opened this item, there were comments from the woman I'd learned he'd dated before me (one whom he'd described to me as just a friend). (Mind you she worked with me ... . I was highly liked to find this out sooner or later.) It was obvious he'd been hanging out with her and having the same intimate conversations we'd been having. I got grossed out and sent a brief note nicely saying I needed to say goodbye at least for the time being. Shortly after that I learned from mutual friends that he was pursuing her ardently, making all kinds of protestations about how he was so hung up on her all along and that was why he hadn't been able to make it work with other women (me). Ouch. They lasted a few months. He made her all kinds of promises. Then he brutally left her, too.
My point is that at the same point as you, I would have told the exact same story you did. I learned painfully over time that little of this if any was as he'd portrayed it.
I would NOT wait for him, assuring him that you love him while he deals with his problems. pwBPD (and most people, period) do not like to be the one with the identified problems. The more understanding you are about him and his problems, I suspect the more you will hear that actually YOU are the one with some serious problems. I think you want to stay far far away from his therapy, or loving him while he grapples with all this.
pwBPD feel engulfed as well as feeling abandonment terrors. That's why this is so darn hard to deal with. Many people who learn a bit about BPD seem to think it will help the situation to smother their pwBPD with overt statements of love and commitment. This often produces an engulfment reaction.
I think you want to be realistic here. IF he makes progress in therapy with these dynamics it will take far longer than 12 weeks. Those of us wrestling with easier attachment and other issues on this board in therapy can attest how very little is actually meaningfully changed in 12 weeks. Now add in the denial, self-deception, deception of therapist, etc. that may be involved in treating someone with BPD ... . it's just very unlikely that he will have gone very far at all in addressing his deep underlying fears of intimacy.
Besides ... . he is giving you no indication that he'll be pursuing you when he finishes, or if he doesn't finish. Waiting under these circumstances seems very unequal. It may be hard for him to respect that you would make that choice.
Why not just say you wish him well. And if things go such that he would like to reconnect, you may be interested down the road. Right now, you're putting quite a lot of pressure on the r/s with a sort of expectation that he improve for you and for this r/s.
Odds are fairly good that he will reconnect with you at some point -- it's common. That doesn't mean when he does he would have the capacity to have a highly functional r/s however.
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