How to respond?

[FigureIt]

I see that I have co-dependency issues and I need to detach.  Usually on the weekends we do what my uBPDbf decides.  If my d8 is home I am usually with her and my uBPDbf will go out, come home sometime after midnight (never really know where he is.) 

This weekend I have a family wedding and after I responded to 2 attending, he has now told me he won't go.  I told him that if he is choosing not to go then he is choosing not to be in a relationship with me. 

I don't want to play this game & I'm not going to beg him to go.  It is exhausting.  Should I approach the topic again or just let Saturday come and see what he does?

[OutOfEgypt]

Let it go.  In spite of how he probably acts, he's a big boy.  You should expect him to behave like one.  If you made it clear, don't repeat yourself.  It shows him that you are chasing after him and trying to take responsibility for his actions and therefore are susceptible to manipulation.  It shows him that your "strong face" is fake.

My ex wife would do similar things.  We tried to reconcile after the divorce once she agreed to go to therapy (though she never admitted why... . never admitted to having BPD... . and soon felt she had no reason to be there), and at first things were wonderful and she wanted to do everything with me.  But soon she emotionally backed out and suddenly I wound up (again) doing everything alone.  It sucked.

But that is how it is with her and EVERYONE she has a close relationship with, my kids included.  She's completely absorbed into herself and her own little world and basically wants you to stop bugging her and expecting things from her, until she finally decides she wants to include you in something.  Always on her terms and her time.  The whole family used to literally wait around for momma to finally decide she wanted to be involved.  Sad.

But of course... . she had her reasons for it.  It was our fault, or my fault.  I wanted "too much", when really all I wanted was some mutuality... . like what I thought we had at first.  My way to deal with my frustration, pain, and anger, of course, was to chase after her and nag her, which frankly only gave her more ammunition to blame me with:  "See... . this is why I don't hang out with you... . because you are CODEPENDENT."  Of course, she took zero responsibility for triggering that with her emotional distancing and controlling.  What we need to do is face the hard truth that they ARENT going to meet us as equals at the emotional table of the relationship, and we need to accept that and face that loss.

In a healthy mutual relationship, you wouldn't have to pressure or cajole someone to be involved in your life and do things with you.  But with them, you ALWAYS will have to, depending on what phase of the relationship they are in with you.  Once they know they have you, its all about them and they are only involved with you on their terms and on their time... . or else.

Just be prepared to follow through if this is really what you are deciding.  He may call your bluff, or if you do appear to end the relationship, he will likely try to stall you or get you to give up your position somehow -probably by acting all sad and trying to make you feel guilty.

[FigureIt]

I am prepared emotionally to end the relationship.  I just don't have the financial means right at this moment.  And unfortunately, he won't leave the home.  I can leave emotionally and/or detach more.  I need to work at the detaching, yet still being friendly (like a roommate).

You are right.  He is a big boy and my expectation is that whether or not you like it, attending a family wedding is an expectation you hold.  He expected me to be there for his aunt's wake & funeral (someone I only met once.) And I was.