Did I handle this situation well?
Hi Cat 21,
I gotta say that A) setting a boundary against tolerating Passive Aggressive behavior and then B) enforcing that boundary with direct confrontation... . well those two combined may not be the best strategy.
One of the fav strange acronyms of this niche community (and holy cow am I thankful for this niche community!) is JADE: Justify, Attack, Defend, Engage. And it's a big no-no because it leads only to escalation of hostilities on both sides.
Scroll through the pages of threads posted here and patterns quickly emerge, our BPD mates display many recognizable behavior traits. There's lots of threads asking/venting about traps - it seems like our loved ones are always setting up Argument Traps for us to fall into conflict with them where they feel like victims. You are probably nodding your head, but take a moment to appreciate that the Person With BPD does not consciously plan and execute diabolical traps... . it's just their dysregulated emotions driving their actions/words. Sometimes they really are trying to be nice (coffee and breakfast! that is nice!) and their disorder slips in a little unpleasant barb to go along with it. We all move in patterns, PA traps are one of the classic BPD patterns.
Another pattern you'll see here is one of Take Care Of Yourself. Keep your friends and hobbies safe with boundaries, even as your pwBPD tries to isolate you all to themselves, recharge your batteries, take walks, exercise, meditate, etc. But the next level of that is critical self-examination and personal growth. Quite frankly, your sensitivity to Passive Aggression could very well result in your undoing if you love a pwBPD.
We cannot change our emotional responses to things that happen to us, but we can learn to master our verbal and physical responses.
For example, my big weak spot is that I am deeply offended and hurt when I am told by my uBPDw something about myself that is both negative and grossly false such as "You don't love me" or "You think your family is so great and I'm not" Every time that little barb is flung out it's a direct hit into the heart and I steel myself so hard to not JADE. Sometimes I can keep my mouth shut.
So, as the Lessons say, before it can get better you have to stop making it worse. Do not JADE when the PA needles prick your emotional skin.
But what about the Boundary?
Boundaries are something the pwBPD needs, as part of their emotional immaturity they test boundaries constantly. Something to consider: Choose your battles. Remember you cannot control someone else's behavior, you can only control your own and hope it influences theirs. Passive Aggression is a deeply rooted behavior complex, it may be next-to-impossible to put up a wall against.
It may be more productive to work on
Defusing the PA incidents, as they are effectively landmines just waiting for you to trod heavily on them. Work with your pwBPD, not against them, recognizing that it's all really about their unmet emotional needs. Something like a smile over a sip of coffee and a soft, "Oh I was getting to the thanking. Just trying to wake up." You can try and establish a more reflective and intimate mood rather than a confrontational one. But be warned, the pwBPD will react badly to patronizing (oh boy do I have some scars) and sometimes it does not matter what you say - the dysregulation is on the warpath and a sheeeeeitstorm be a'brewin'.
But with the right mix of supportive validation, defusing, and calm not-rising-to-the-challenge responses you may be able to prevent disasters started by the Passive Agressive behavior.
Good luck!
