Saw someone started a topic on BPD and lying.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I couldn't figure out how to reply to the post, so I just wrote my own.

I am a compulsive liar. I lie knowing that my bf is a very understanding person and would forgive me for anything I did. He has proved that to me after catching me in A LOT of lies in the past. He said all he wants is my honesty. So yes, to answer the question. Yes, Lying is prevalent in BPD.

[psychotic90]

I couldn't figure out how to reply to the post, so I just wrote my own.

I am a compulsive liar. I lie knowing that my bf is a very understanding person and would forgive me for anything I did. He has proved that to me after catching me in A LOT of lies in the past. He said all he wants is my honesty. So yes, to answer the question. Yes, Lying is prevalent in BPD.

[momtara]

So why do you do it?

Do you actually believe the lies?  Or are they just things you wish were true?  Or are you testing him?

I think it's great that you admit it.  I hope you can work on it.  If he is very understanding, he deserves less hurt and more honesty.

[psychotic90]

No. I don't believe the lies I tell. And, this is kind of hard to explain. I want to just tell you I don't know why I lie, but I lie to him because, I am usually ashamed of whatever I am lying about, and telling him about it means talking about it, and talking about it means facing those intense, overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame. If I lie to him, I never have to be honest with myself. Does that make any sense?

[Narellan]

Psychotic90, do you have BPD ?

[psychotic90]

Yes. I was diagnosed with Bpd, as well as bipolar 1 (mixed episodes)

[Narellan]

Hi psychotic90, that's great you're seeking help for your disorder. This site however is for people with loved ones suffering from BPD, needing support, not people with BPD. Many of the posts will be triggering to both you and other readers here. There are some resources on here for you " resources for people with BPD" I wish you well in your journey.

[Perdita]

I couldn't figure out how to reply to the post, so I just wrote my own.

Psychotic90, are you lying about that?  Sorry, just a bit of humour.  Your posts have given me better insight about the lying. Thank you.  Narellan is right though, the posts here will probably upset you more than anything else since the board is for people with loved ones suffering from BP.  We do vent quite a bit on here and that might hinder you on your journey to recovery. Thank you again for being honest about the lying and the possible reasons for it.

[OutOfEgypt]

psychotic, you wrote:

If I lie to him, I never have to be honest with myself. Does that make any sense?

This makes 100% sense to me.  After being married to an undiagnosed BPD woman for 13 years, I sensed that from her.  I know I still will probably never know the truth of all the things she did behind my back and all the ways that she hurt me and betrayed me.  It's almost like an unwritten understanding... . "You keep hiding it, and I will never ask you about it... . " because we are now no longer together.  But I always sensed that the reason she lied, and even seemed to really believe her lies sometimes, was the same reason she always blamed me for everything and in general couldn't look in the mirror at anything she did wrong... . even if her own child was the one confronting her on how her mommy hurt her.  Just lies... . excuses... . gaslighting... . blaming... . accusations... . all revolving around that terrible haunting sense of shame and guilt she was desperate to avoid.  She lived on the surface so that she would never have to deal with the underneath.  But it would come out... . usually onto everyone else, but sometimes in her depression, her endless skin-picking, her complaints of feeling "empty" often, and the litany of self-destructive things she did.  My therapist told me that it would be like staring directly into the sun for her.

In a sense, her life is a lie... . it is a facade she presents to everyone to appear sweet and strong and bubbly and fun and cute... . oh, and alluring and awesome and desirable.  But I believe somewhere in there it haunts her that she knows deep down the reason so many people don't like her and walk away from her is because of how she acts, and I believe somewhere in there it kills her knowing how she has hurt me and hurt our children for so many years... . and I believe somewhere in there it probably shocks her at how deeply her sadistic, punishing impulses run toward me and others.  I've had the unfortunate opportunity to see behind the mask on a few occasions, and at least (for once!) the words and actions I glimpsed finally matched what I always felt was coming from her.  But she won't ever really let herself look at it.

Thank you

[pipehitter]

Thank you.

Explains a lot. I was always wondering why she was telling me stories (that I now know where from her past), but with different roles.

For instance she told me about an engagement party etc.

It was her own.

But she wouldn't have had to lie about it, since at the point in time I would have never heard about her prior engagement. And wouldn't we have broken up I would have NEVER heard about it.

I always wondered why she lied about it... . when she didn't have to tell me in the first place.

[DreamFlyer99]

hi Psychotic90!

It sounds like you can be fairly self-aware about your behaviors, something my undiagnosed husband is not. To me that sounds like you can work toward improving your life and learning to have more effective actions in your relationships, which is pretty darn awesome! I do wish my H was able to see how he trashes me as something he's choosing to do rather than as something I somehow "made" him do. It would be great for so many of us if our loved ones with BPD were as interested in changing as you are, seriously.

So, are you looking for help with your BPD? if so, like narellan said, this site, since its membership includes many people who have just come out of a really confusing or difficult relationship with their loved one with BPD and are venting their hurt can be quite triggering to someone who is actively dealing with the disorder themselves. And we do have a great resource page here: Resources for BPD Sufferers.

The staff here at bpdfamily is concerned for everyone involved with BPD, those who love someone with BPD and those who are actually dealing with the disorder themmselves, and it's really important that this is a safe place for all. Since reading some of the postings here could be more detrimental than helpful on your road to better mental health they really prefer that the actual sufferers use the resource page to find a more fitting and less triggering environment.

I do appreciate what you offered in this posting about lying though, it's quite interesting to me! My H is more of the "embroiderer" since he tells a story but adds to it for "decorative" effect.

Do you have someone else in your life with BPD?

[nothing]

So the truth makes you feel intense feelings of guilt. Telling a lie causes zero guilt? I would think it would fester knowing I told a loved one a lie. How do you feel when your significant other outright catches you in the lie and there is nowhere to hide?

As a non BPD. I want the truth. I can handle the truth good or bad. You can not fix or move past something if you do not have the facts.

[AimingforMastery]

No. I don't believe the lies I tell. And, this is kind of hard to explain. I want to just tell you I don't know why I lie, but I lie to him because, I am usually ashamed of whatever I am lying about, and telling him about it means talking about it, and talking about it means facing those intense, overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame. If I lie to him, I never have to be honest with myself. Does that make any sense?

Thank you psychotic 90.

I am tempted to ask are you my girlfriend?

[AimingforMastery]

No. I don't believe the lies I tell. And, this is kind of hard to explain. I want to just tell you I don't know why I lie, but I lie to him because, I am usually ashamed of whatever I am lying about, and telling him about it means talking about it, and talking about it means facing those intense, overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame. If I lie to him, I never have to be honest with myself. Does that make any sense?

Thank you psychotic 90.

I am tempted to ask are you my girlfriend?

Probably not, as you say you have been diagnosed and you accept that... .    Good for you!

It was my thread.

If you want your relationship to work you will need to face (and heal) these feelings of shame, and IMHO share them with your significant other... .

Keep up the self honesty - good work.   The more you express that to your SO, the better.

[goldylamont]

I couldn't figure out how to reply to the post, so I just wrote my own.

I am a compulsive liar. I lie knowing that my bf is a very understanding person and would forgive me for anything I did. He has proved that to me after catching me in A LOT of lies in the past. He said all he wants is my honesty. So yes, to answer the question. Yes, Lying is prevalent in BPD.

courageous for you to share this and to do some thinking about the reasons. thank you for your honesty! i think if you told your bf the reasons why you lie sometimes it can really help both him and you. this is sharing a part of yourself with him and it sounds like he wants to be supportive of you and loves you (flaws and all).

i wish you the best. being honest and truthful when it may hurt us -- to me this is one of the most intimate things and highest forms of respect you can show for someone else. i hope you can learn ways to not be so triggered by guilt and shame -- it feels *sssoo* good to tell the truth sometimes even though you are ashamed. it's like a load off your back. hoping you have many opportunities to feel this unburdening. take care 

[AimingforMastery]

I couldn't figure out how to reply to the post, so I just wrote my own.

I am a compulsive liar. I lie knowing that my bf is a very understanding person and would forgive me for anything I did. He has proved that to me after catching me in A LOT of lies in the past. He said all he wants is my honesty. So yes, to answer the question. Yes, Lying is prevalent in BPD.

courageous for you to share this and to do some thinking about the reasons. thank you for your honesty! i think if you told your bf the reasons why you lie sometimes it can really help both him and you. this is sharing a part of yourself with him and it sounds like he wants to be supportive of you and loves you (flaws and all).

i wish you the best. being honest and truthful when it may hurt us -- to me this is one of the most intimate things and highest forms of respect you can show for someone else. i hope you can learn ways to not be so triggered by guilt and shame -- it feels *sssoo* good to tell the truth sometimes even though you are ashamed. it's like a load off your back. hoping you have many opportunities to feel this unburdening. take care 

What goldy said here is SO true.

By coming clean you build a bridge to a golden future.

One more thought, even though you may feel terrible feelings, ultimately even though feelings are important, you are "ultimately" not your feelings but the space inbetween thoughts and feelings... .

Keep up the great work in being self honest and expressing that to others. You are much more likely to be embraced for that... .