Even after court agreement, it's not over...

[sanemom]

So an agreement was entered orally into the court record at our last hearing.  Our lawyer wrote it up.  We wanted to add a parent facilitator to it, but other than that, all the revisions were minor that we made (mostly times of exchanges) before we submitted to BPD mom.

Well, among other things, BPD mom is completely altering the summer possession schedule from the agreed upon order.  Really?  First, she now wants a weekend during our month of possession (we agreed she doesn't get one because she gets one of DH's weekends in May for Mother's Day), and the weekend she is asking for is precisely when we will be out of town (and she knows it).  Then, next year, she wants 45 days in the summer when we agreed she gets one month and we get the other. 

She just wants to fight.  Clearly.

DH is telling the lawyer to let her lawyer know that if she is insisting on blatantly going away from our agreement, we will just have a hearing.  This is ridiculous.

[crystal]

Sorry to say, its not over til all your kids are adults!  If your ex is starting in so soon, you need to develop serious parallel parenting,  firm boundaries and stick with the court ordered parenting time. It is tempting to be flexible--that IS what normal people do and sometimes you will want flexibility from her, but IT IS NOT WORTH IT!

good luck! It does get better with time but still comes in cycles for me-- we are 6 years out from divorce. 

[ForeverDad]

Sadly, you'll probably have to go back to the court.  Don't waste too much time trying to negotiate or reason with her.  Did the terms of the agreement get discussed or read onto the Record?  The ask for a copy of the recording and ask for it to be transcribed so it can be referenced right there while in the court room.  Hopefully the judge will accept what was written and right there have both parents sign and enter it right then and there into the record as a court order.

Looking back, don't you think this was predictable?

[Boss302]

So an agreement was entered orally into the court record at our last hearing.  Our lawyer wrote it up.  We wanted to add a parent facilitator to it, but other than that, all the revisions were minor that we made (mostly times of exchanges) before we submitted to BPD mom.

Well, among other things, BPD mom is completely altering the summer possession schedule from the agreed upon order.  Really?  First, she now wants a weekend during our month of possession (we agreed she doesn't get one because she gets one of DH's weekends in May for Mother's Day), and the weekend she is asking for is precisely when we will be out of town (and she knows it).  Then, next year, she wants 45 days in the summer when we agreed she gets one month and we get the other.  

She just wants to fight.  Clearly.

DH is telling the lawyer to let her lawyer know that if she is insisting on blatantly going away from our agreement, we will just have a hearing.  This is ridiculous.

So, please clarify... .

This was agreed to by you and her in open court, and is on the record, correct?

Are you sharing a lawyer, or do you both have one?

The reason I ask is that in this case, since she was clearly negotiating in  bad faith, and doing so in court, you might want to think about coming back and saying, "OK, if that's the way it is, then we'll have a full hearing, and I'll be asking the judge to force you to pay my attorney fees for the last appearance and the negotiation."

Legally, that may not work, but BPDs really, really don't like being called on their BS, and if the same judge would hold the hearing, then that's exactly what she's up against. That hits her where it hurts... . and so does threatening to stick her with the bill for the failed negotiation. Make sure she knows there are consequences to doing this.

Just a thought... .

[Boss302]

Sorry to say, its not over til all your kids are adults!  If your ex is starting in so soon, you need to develop serious parallel parenting,  firm boundaries and stick with the court ordered parenting time. It is tempting to be flexible--that IS what normal people do and sometimes you will want flexibility from her, but IT IS NOT WORTH IT!

good luck! It does get better with time but still comes in cycles for me-- we are 6 years out from divorce. 

Yep... . my BPDx is still trying to "renegotiate" the terms of our parenting schedule, two years after it was agreed to by both of us in open court. It never ends. I just tell her to go ahead and file a motion. That usually shuts her up.

[ForeverDad]

I wonder if it's too late to say, "Okay, no settlement means we go to trial... . "  As much as the judge threatened warned it would be bad for both of you, maybe it would be worse for her?

[sanemom]

I wonder if it's too late to say, "Okay, no settlement means we go to trial... . "  As much as the judge threatened warned it would be bad for both of you, maybe it would be worse for her?

I think that is what we are going to have to at least threaten... . hopefully, the GAL will not want this in court so he will reign her in ASAP.  I mean, we settled orally, and the order was read into the record, and the judge approved it, but I guess it's not totally final until it is signed off on.  

At the very least, we can have a hearing to show how impossible she is being.  I don't imagine a judge will be happy with her going back on the agreement that he approved.

[Forestaken]

Sorry to say, its not over til all your kids are adults!  If your ex is starting in so soon, you need to develop serious parallel parenting,  firm boundaries and stick with the court ordered parenting time. It is tempting to be flexible--that IS what normal people do and sometimes you will want flexibility from her, but IT IS NOT WORTH IT!

good luck! It does get better with time but still comes in cycles for me-- we are 6 years out from divorce. 

6 years? You're going to make me cry!

My settlement Dec 2013; Divorce decree issued May 2014; Property (stuff) division still hasn't been done yet. (children: S24 & D20) Realize it's a long painful road.  At least your goal is closer. 

[livednlearned]

Maybe it's different where you are... .

But in my hearings, when the judge rules something, my lawyer wrote up the order. Then she routed it to the opposing party counsel, which was N/BPDx because he was representing himself. Then he disagreed with what my lawyer wrote up in his own document... . and then my lawyer sent both to the clerk of court. And almost always, the judge just signed what my lawyer submitted. It was like N/BPDx's changes weren't even recognized.

[sanemom]

Maybe it's different where you are... .

But in my hearings, when the judge rules something, my lawyer wrote up the order. Then she routed it to the opposing party counsel, which was N/BPDx because he was representing himself. Then he disagreed with what my lawyer wrote up in his own document... . and then my lawyer sent both to the clerk of court. And almost always, the judge just signed what my lawyer submitted. It was like N/BPDx's changes weren't even recognized.

In this case, we agreed to something with the assistance of the lawyers and GAL, read it into the record in front of the judge, and the judge approved it.  Then our attorney wrote it up, including some details that were not mentioned (remember, this was a modification, not a brand new order).  Our lawyer changed some exchange times so kids wouldn't be bringing suitcases to school, etc., but nothing that big.  Then he sent it to her lawyer, and their revisions were completely changing the schedule.

But it sounds like our lawyer will just resend it with corrections and set a motion to enter it as ordered... . I guess if she wants to fight it then, she can in front of the judge?  Not sure... . but I think I will be ready for law school after this case is over.

[livednlearned]

Maybe it's different where you are... .

But in my hearings, when the judge rules something, my lawyer wrote up the order. Then she routed it to the opposing party counsel, which was N/BPDx because he was representing himself. Then he disagreed with what my lawyer wrote up in his own document... . and then my lawyer sent both to the clerk of court. And almost always, the judge just signed what my lawyer submitted. It was like N/BPDx's changes weren't even recognized.

In this case, we agreed to something with the assistance of the lawyers and GAL, read it into the record in front of the judge, and the judge approved it.  Then our attorney wrote it up, including some details that were not mentioned (remember, this was a modification, not a brand new order).  Our lawyer changed some exchange times so kids wouldn't be bringing suitcases to school, etc., but nothing that big.  Then he sent it to her lawyer, and their revisions were completely changing the schedule.

But it sounds like our lawyer will just resend it with corrections and set a motion to enter it as ordered... . I guess if she wants to fight it then, she can in front of the judge?  Not sure... .

That sounds the same as what's happened in my hearings, including modifications. After the lawyers duke it out over the language, there will be an Entry of Order. Usually, both lawyers go. I don't always go to these -- I'm trying to not let N/BPDx use court as a way to stay engaged. The judge reads the order and whatever the other party suggests, and then makes a decision. Sometimes the judge asks the lawyers some questions.

When N/BPDx tries to introduce new stuff, or interpret the oral argument in weird ways, the judge usually gets mildly irritated, and then signs the order that my attorney wrote up.

Hopefully it's the same in your case.