repainted white?

[JackBlacknBlue]

I read that other members on these forums know how to get repainted white?  how does a non do that?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

Hmmm... . I would like to know as well

I'm very interested in reading the responses.

I read that other members on these forums know how to get repainted white?  how does a non do that?

[MissyM]

Oddly enough, it is my dBPDh's therapist that has aided in repainting me white.  He has made it a rule that my husband is not to discuss me or our relationship with anyone but the therapist.  This way, my husband can't get negative reinforcement about me from others and paint me black.  We shall see how long it lasts.  It is working for now, while my dBPDh does a lot of work on himself and we are doing DBT therapy together.

[formflier]

Can you comment on doing DBT together vs separately?

That is a genius plan about who to discuss the relationship with... . love it.

Oddly enough, it is my dBPDh's therapist that has aided in repainting me white.  He has made it a rule that my husband is not to discuss me or our relationship with anyone but the therapist.  This way, my husband can't get negative reinforcement about me from others and paint me black.  We shall see how long it lasts.  It is working for now, while my dBPDh does a lot of work on himself and we are doing DBT therapy together.

[JackBlacknBlue]

Very interesting.  Hadn't heard that approach before. 

Any options without therapist?

[ziniztar]

It makes sense.

pwBPD have an unstable self-image. Because they know they can't rely on it, all they've learnt is to mirror other people's opinions. And yours.

Sometimes they feel bad about themselves and will seek arguments with you to get that feeling reaffirmed.

Sometimes they feel splendid, but you get slightly annoyed, which will drive them into a downwards spiral, as your opinion is Truth and they don't have an internal validation at place that will put your annoyance in perspective.

Not allowing a pwPBD to talk to others about The relationship makes sense. There is no confirmation of their (distorted) version of the Truth and both time as the black paint will pass. Advice: read "Staying 101" on this board. It describes how you and others are used as a filtering mechanism and how you can divert that energy. And whiten the paint. Or, better: allow for the (50 shades of ) gray to enter your lives.

[MissyM]

Formflier, the DBT for couples is based on The High Conflict Couple.  If you have read the book, then it is those basic principles applied to the couple.  My dBPDh is also in individual therapy with a CSAT (sex addict therapist) that is doing some DBT with him, as well as other forms of therapy.  Both the DBT marital therapist and my dBDHs individual therapist had said not to discuss the marriage or our relationship with others.  It was my dBPDhs individual that was very strong with him about not discussing me with anyone else but him, it has been a big difference the last couple of weeks with this new approach.  Things are a lot more even keeled.

[kfifd196]

Makes 100% perfect sense, or at least a good place to start.  EVERYTIME, my uBPD wife triggered and went into a rage, she ABANDONED ME and ran home to her parents, who enabled her.  Of course they saw her upset and what parent isn't going to wonder what their child's spouse "MUST" have done, to make her feel bad enough to go home to them... . ?  She would then devalue me and make me out to be the bad guy.

This final time, she bit me after telling me she was going to step in front of a bus!  I put my hand on her shoulder to comfort her and she bit me, then ran out of our house screaming at 11:30pm, waking our baby and left her crying.  She called her mother and told her I "Restrained" her!  I NEVER did such a thing.  The next day the ENTIRE FAMILY... . aunts, uncles and all, deleted me from Facebook... . I don't know what crap she told them, but I have been nothing but supportive and loving!  She painted me black and her parents believed her, from all of the times she cried to them.  I have DOZENS of letters from her contradicting this, saying how great a husband I was and how supportive I was of her and her trust, abandonment and insecurity issues.  Unfortunately, I can't show ANYONE this, due to a FALSE restraining order she filed!  This came 2 days after she professed her love for me!  I wish I could show SOMEONE the documents, as they show how she flips back and forth, sometimes within hours, saying she is grateful and blessed she met me and married me, I renewed her faith in men, She never expected she could love someone so much and that they would love her unconditionally, etc then an hour later say she wished she never met me, wished I was dead, etc!  She told her fam and friends that I ruined her pregnancy and made it miserable, when it was her own trust issues, that did it AND I have Romantic HANDWRITTEN Cards from her, saying how grateful she was for me being so supportive of her THROUGHOUT her pregnancy, from packing her snacks for work, massages at night, making sure she rested and I was "The best birth coach she could've hoped for"! 

Unfortunately this divorce is going through unless I can get SOMEONE to listen to me!  I PRAY SHE REPAINTS ME WHITE BEFORE HAND!