I need advice about finances

[DucatiDC]

I am new here, but I have been reading all over this forum for quite some time now and Im happy to report I made my first post 2 nights ago. I did write an introductory post on the new members board but so you all don't have to go back a read that I can give you little background so you can understand my situation better. I also posted this on the undecided board but really I belong here. Because for some reason I'm committed to staying. If he want to divorce me I'll let him of course, but right now he is the only one who wants/threatens to leave.

I have been with my SO for the past 10 years. About 3 years ago we got married. 1 year before we got married, I left him for the first time in our relationship and 6 months later we got back together. Yup I let him suck me back in. Not only did I go back to him but I moved my entire life to go be with him in another state. During the time we were apart, he couldn't handle it and lost his job, car and our apartment we had together. His mother lives in another state so he went to go live with her when we were broken up. Of course I didn't just forget all the bad that I had endured previously or the reason why I left in the first place. He said and did everything I wanted him to. He stated to go to a dr and was taking his prescriptions. That only lasted about 2 months after I was officially down there. We have since moved back to our home state, Illinois and have been back for about 2 years. 1 year was spent in our own apartment and another year was spent in my parents basement to save money for a down payment on a house. We ended up getting a wonderful opportunity to rent a house in a beautiful location from friends of ours. We have been in our house for about 2 months.

The first week moving into our new house my husband threatened to divorce me. Of course things settled down and that never happened. Now were at 2 months and he has once again threatened to divorce me, repeatedly actually. Even sending me pictures of him looking up how to file on google. Most of the time I have been ignoring him because I told him if he can't talk to me with respect that I wasn't going to participate in the conversation. He also sent me a text asking why I won't move out, and why I want to be around someone who doesn't want me there. Im sure he only said that because I said that almost exact same thing to him. That I wasn't going to be with someone who I feel doesn't love me. And he's right, I won't, just not in the way he thinks. Oh yeah not only is he threatening divorce, he really is trying to get me to move out. I hear him say things to himself like "he can't wait till she's f ing gone". He has even moved all our wedding stuff off the bookcase and took down and destroyed all our wedding pictures. The only thing I have said to him is that if he is deciding that he no longer wants to be in this marriage then it needs to be him that leaves, not me. Its not what I want. I will give him a divorce if he wants one because I won't stay married to someone who doesn't want to be with me, but I also wont let him seam roll me either. I worked my butt off to help get us in that house and I'm certainly not going to just walk away. On a side note, I have already spoken to our landlords, who are our neighbors and friends. She has already told me that if our relationship does end in divorce, it will be me they rent to, not him.  Which he thinks the opposite for some reason. Before I made him aware, he believed that being married didn't matter and that he could just kick me out for no reason just because my license isn't changed to the new address yet and his is. However he hasn't tried to pack up any of my stuff. Just moved it all after he destroyed the pictures to another room. I'm sure to get a reaction out of me. I have been really good with not giving him the reaction hes expecting from me, which is to fly off the handle and go crazy with hurt. Which I have done in the past when he did other stuff like this. He knows him leaving is a tough one for me to handle. Im sure thats a reason he always uses it, he knows it has power. However this time is different.

Back to my finance question. For the past year and half basically, I have been giving him about 200 or more every week. It's soo nice being paid every week instead of bi-weekly, anyways he's supposed to use that money for my half of our bills. Every week he gets no less than $160 cash from me, but most of the time it's $200. Our rent is $700 a month which is due on the first every month. He has already told me that as of June 7, I will have to get my own car insurance. I also pay about $100 dollars a month for his health insurance too that he always seems to forget I pay for. Since he is still threatening me with divorce, I don't think I should continue giving him more money than what my half of our bills are. That money could potentially help him pay for a lawyer. I was doing that before because were married and I thought staying married. Just as long as I have gas money to get to work and he pays all of my half of the bills, like car insurance and phone bill I can't complain. He is in charge of paying everything and I just hand him most of my paycheck every week. I am not going to give him money for bills if he's not going to give me credit for my half. What I mean by that is that I gave him $400 two weeks ago and this whole outburst happened because he said I didn't care enough about our finances. I can't afford to pay for my own car insurance and phone bills on top of giving him money that hes supposed to use to pay for it. The only thing I would still have to give him money for is rent and utilities even the rent I can probably just pay our landlords directly and not have to give him any of the money. I guess my question is how should I go about doing this? I know he is going to flip his lid if I only him enough to cover what bills I have left. I'm almost tempted to just give it to him so I don't make things worse than they are  right now. But that is really not fair. How can he threatened divorce and try to get me to leave/move out and then still get paid like were still a married couple? Any suggestions on how I should handle our finances? The only thing he is saying to me right now is that he will only talk about me moving out and divorce. I told him that was fine if he could do it with respect and of course since he can't do that we still have yet to have a conversation about how were going to go about this divorce. I'm not moving out unless I have a judges order telling me I have too and there's no way he can get that. So what do I do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

First off dont hand money over for him to manage, it gives a sense of power and control. it is far better for you to either take on certain responsibilities and let him take over others. Alternatively you can simply right a cheque directly to the utility for half of it. I know that feels divisive, but arguing over finances and the control of it can become a real power play causing escalation

What would you like to do as opposed to pressured into.?

A lot of what is said will be impulsive nonsense intended to try and provoke you into doing something so that he can feel justified in blaming you for his problems.

[DucatiDC]

Thank you for your fast response. Your absolutely right, money has been nothing but a struggle for us and a way for him to control. Right now my credit is ruined, long story but I don't have a checking account because I'm scarred of creditors taking money out of it. I had a bad lawyer and my bankruptcy was never finalized and I can't afford to pay another lawyer to get it fixed. So anyways, I'm sure I can get money orders to pay for whatever bills I take over and at the very least I can use my parents as a check writing service, which I'm extremely grateful to say that is a possibility for me. It's been a nightmare getting him to agree to anything short of me handing him over 90% of my pay check. Which to be honest I didn't care as long as he paid for all of my bills for me. So I guess my next question now is how to I get him to agree to that sort of thing? All attempts at me trying to control or even know about our finances in the past have been disastrous and didn't end well for me. What didn't cause problems is the arrangement we have now which is what I just described. However he's now not paying for my car insurance and soon to be other things, or at least threatening to.

[formflier]

Welcome to this forum.  You are in the right place to sort all this out.

For practical reasons... . you need to "worry about" money... . so you have insurance and gas in tank... and a house... etc etc.  Let that guide how you set up limits to make that happen.  Try to separate this thinking from it's impact on your pwBPD.  A limit is something you do for yourself... . not to the other person in a relationship.  If they react badly to that... . let them.  Don't get drawn in.

Please spend some time reading about limits before doing this... . the worst thing you can do is set a limit and back down.

Welcome to the ruined credit club.  I'm in there as well.  I made a thoughtful... . prayerful... choice that I would not blow up my relationship over money. 

As you get to know people on these boards... . it will help you understand their perspectives.  You can look at some of my other posts and quickly figure out that I did decided that I would "blow up" my relationship over my kids safety.  I'm hopeful it really doesn't blow up... . but I took a stand.

The threatening divorce thing is frustrating... . but it seems to be part of the package.  Please don't get sucked into that.  I would acknowledge that you were spoken to (not ignore)... . and then disengage.  Don't challenge them to do it.

STOP is a good thing.  Sorry you feel that way... . that's your opinion... . "ohh'"... . perhaps your right.

You may have to modify that to your situation.

Hang in there... . I would guess your number one need right now is to read and education yourself... . not to make decisions.

This is a complex illness... . which creates complex situations.  Knowledge will help you make good decisions... . get all you can.

Thank you for your fast response. Your absolutely right, money has been nothing but a struggle for us and a way for him to control. Right now my credit is ruined, long story but I don't have a checking account because I'm scarred of creditors taking money out of it. I had a bad lawyer and my bankruptcy was never finalized and I can't afford to pay another lawyer to get it fixed. So anyways, I'm sure I can get money orders to pay for whatever bills I take over and at the very least I can use my parents as a check writing service, which I'm extremely grateful to say that is a possibility for me. It's been a nightmare getting him to agree to anything short of me handing him over 90% of my pay check. Which to be honest I didn't care as long as he paid for all of my bills for me. So I guess my next question now is how to I get him to agree to that sort of thing? All attempts at me trying to control or even know about our finances in the past have been disastrous and didn't end well for me. What didn't cause problems is the arrangement we have now which is what I just described. However he's now not paying for my car insurance and soon to be other things, or at least threatening to.

[DucatiDC]

STOP has worked in the past, quite nicely actually. However the last 2 months he has been mocking me with it. He seriously repeats exactly what I say to him in a mocking way. And has of course used it back at me in an email telling me me he's sorry I feel this way. So that is now probably not a good thing to use. Or I have to find another, significant way to rephrase it.

I'm seriously at a loss, I started another topic and because most of the tools that have worked in the past are not working. All our conversations are now is him telling me to get out and the divorce is "full steam ahead". I said I love u and u can stop this at any time. At the time he was throwing the couch in the bedroom and the bed in the living room, I'm assuming cuz I moved my vanity into the bedroom with me to make my getting ready for work easyier. Like I named the topic, there's is just no soothing or calming him down. He keeps saying he wants me to leave but as soon as i take even tiny steps to give him what he wants he destroyed all our wedding pictures and other glass wedding gifts.

I'm at a complete loss. When I have free time, I do is spend time reading through this site. Again thank u so much for taking the time to respond to me.

[formflier]

STOP has worked in the past, quite nicely actually. However the last 2 months he has been mocking me with it. He seriously repeats exactly what I say to him in a mocking way. And has of course used it back at me in an email telling me me he's sorry I feel this way. So that is now probably not a good thing to use. Or I have to find another, significant way to rephrase it.

OK... this is good that you have seen that the tools do work... . and that you have also seen there are limitations.  And most importantly... those limitations come from the pwBPD... not from you.  You may get tired of this advice... but keep focusing on what you can do... . and try to do that better.  In this case consider, saying it once... if he starts mocking... . don't get drawn in.  Move along the conversation or leave his presence.

I'm seriously at a loss, I started another topic and because most of the tools that have worked in the past are not working. All our conversations are now is him telling me to get out and the divorce is "full steam ahead".

I would consider a response to divorce talk... and stick with it.  It seems to me that lots of pwBPD try to buly the other party into filing.  Then the pwBPD get to play victim.  Take some time and think this through... . so you can make divorce decisions without FOG.  If he is going to file... then he will file.  Don't beg or react.  I also think you should start spending a little time on the leaving board.  I spend some time over there but most of my focus is on staying.  You do not want to go through a high conflict divorce unprepared.

I said I love u and u can stop this at any time. At the time he was throwing the couch in the bedroom and the bed in the living room, I'm assuming cuz I moved my vanity into the bedroom with me to make my getting ready for work easyier. Like I named the topic, there's is just no soothing or calming him down. He keeps saying he wants me to leave but as soon as i take even tiny steps to give him what he wants he destroyed all our wedding pictures and other glass wedding gifts.

Focus on your needs... . not his wants.  He will "move the goalpost"... . so you can never win.  Very frustrating but that seems to be a pwBPD pattern.

I'm at a complete loss. When I have free time, I do is spend time reading through this site. Again thank u so much for taking the time to respond to me.

You are very welcome.  Hang in there... . keep coming back and posting. 

What books do you have to be reading?  So you can learn about BPD.